Too let him go or make him stay?

[hsvmum09]

Hi just wondering if I could get some outside views on the situation I am faced with at present, I have 2 children 8 and 5 to my Ex and a 7 week old baby to my current partner. I am faced with a difficult situation regarding my 8 year old.

He wants to live with Dad (have tried this before grass wasn't greener came home and life went on) Dad cut contact with the boys in Feb, has only just resumed contact (long story) Our 8 year old has significant behavioural issues which are escalating we have tried counselling and with no success, he has an IEP program at school because he has a learning impairment (nothing formally diagnosed as yet) that has him way behind the other children in his class. I am struggling to cope with his outbursts and have tried many different techniques all of which have been unsuccessful.

My Partner has been my rock and has been very supportive but there comes a time when you can see his and my paitence has worn very thin. I have no idea what to do part of me wants to let him go to his dad and the other part wants him to stay. He idolises his dad always has and who am I to stand in the way I just don't know what damage may be caused by seperating the 2 boys. My 5 year old DS doesn't want to go he has never formed the bond with his dad like his big brother has.

What do I do??

TIA

[Pax]

What is your ex like? is he likely to help your son by making sure he is receiving the help at school he needs?
will he be living far from you?

will he be changing schools?

[hsvmum09]

Morrigan,

Yes he will need to change school, My EX and I have had a strained relationship have not been able to discuss a lot due to issues with SM which I don't want to go into at the moment. I would like to hope that he would help his son and make sure he receives the help that he needs.

He would be living within half an hour of my home.

[~Candy~]

Does your son know he will have to change schools if he lives with his dad?

Do you think that maybe you could come to some sort of arrangement where your son lives with you on school days and lives with his dad other times?
Does his dad go to work? If so, who will look after your son when his dad is at work..over school hols, sick days ect?

I too have been through this...my hubby and I seperated for some time out and my son wanted to stay with his dad. But we made arrangements so he didn't need to change schools etc.

[hsvmum09]

mumof4, as far as I know my EX is not working. Yes DS knows he will have to change schools and seems quite happy about it although I am unsure as to whether they will take him given the record of issues at current school.

In a perfect world I would really like his father to become involved in his schooling and be able to discuss the issues at hand with him but that hasn't been possible because SM doesn't deem it necessary, it's a very hard situation to be in I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I also thought of trying 50/50 shared care but that won't work due to schooling and what not.

I want my DS to be happy and at the moment he is far from it.

[Pax]

IF you feel that his father is going to care for him and love him and help him I dont see the harm. HE is his father and therefore why shouldnt he live with him.

I think that if the other parent is capable of caring for the child appropriately, and the child wants to go there, then let him go. Its his dad and if dad wants him, let him.

Your other son MAY follow on too. I know it hurts us a little when they choose the other parent, but they are not exactly CHOOSING.. its just they idolise the absent parent more.

my girls have done this recently, they are much older though. But they are learning Dad is not as glorious as they thought :laughing:

i dont like him and i dont like them leaving me, but he is their dad and they want to be there. so be it

[SuperGranny]

hi, Im thinking with them being only 30 minutes away, that will not be too difficult to separate the two brothers. If you can see no obvious problems with making the change then I would give it a try for a year or somthing. There are many people involved with the decision, and if the lines of communication stay open and workable, then I would be willing to go ahead with it. good luck. Marie

[Beachside Mumma]

Hmmm how about saying to your DS that he can go and live with his dad but seeing as he has to change schools etc he has to stay there for the whole school year (or until the school year ends etc). And unless some drastic happens that he needs to be back with you for him to be safe, stick to it. He could very well learn that the grass isn't always greener on the other side... but in my opinion he probably needs to stick out the 12 months (or whatever the designated time) to allow him to realise that he can't always swap and change between you whenever he wants due to school etc. I hope that makes sense and come out the right way...:)

[Lucy in the Sky]

There are a couple of problems that I can see here.

Your son is having a lot of problems at home and at school, so the prospect of changing schools AND homes probably seems like an ideal solution to him. But he is not an adult, and cannot see the bigger picture, so it cannot be his decision. You have to consider his best interests before what he wants (just like it is not in a kids best interest to eat chocolate for breakfast every day, no matter how much they want it).

And the reason I am suggesting it might not be in his best interests is because you mention that your ex cut contact with your kids in Feb, which implies he is a less than consistant father, and you also mention that the step mum (thats what SM is, right?) doesn't understand/want to understand your son's problems. So, are you sure they are capable of being the primary caregivers consistently and unfailingly while your son has learning and behavioural issues that seem to demand a lot of patience, understanding and extra care?
Are you sure their school has the facilities and staff to help your son, and do it as well as the school he is in now?

Because your son won't be thinking about that. He just sees a grass is greener solution to a lot of issues in his life (kids can be very self-conscious of their own issues). But changing schools and homes can be very uprooting for kids, and 12 months is a long trial period if the new situation proves to be detrimental to his learning/behavioural issues.

I know there are a lot of stories and aspects her that we aren't privy to, but that is just how it looks to me from the outside.

[Pax]

But he is not an adult, and cannot see the bigger picture, so it cannot be his decision.

I agree with this to a degree. But i do feel that its better if the child learns that grass is not greener on the other side of the fence earlier than later. if he moves to his dad's say in grade 11... he may stuff up his senior years.

earlier the lesson is learnt the better :thumbsup:

[Lucy in the Sky]

I have to disagree.
i think this too big an issue to be a lesson for an 8 year old! If he needs to learn about the grass being greener, let him change from soccer to karate, or sell his lego for the latest Ben10 toys. If the outcome isn't good, that is a big burden to place on the shoulders of an 8yr old.
If she does want DS to come to a realistic vision of his Dad, maybe give him weekend access first, or all of next school holidays. But wait and see if the ex stays on a pedestal for long before disrupting his life completely.

[Pax]

I have to disagree.
i think this too big an issue to be a lesson for an 8 year old! If he needs to learn about the grass being greener, let him change from soccer to karate, or sell his lego for the latest Ben10 toys. If the outcome isn't good, that is a big burden to place on the shoulders of an 8yr old.
If she does want DS to come to a realistic vision of his Dad, maybe give him weekend access first, or all of next school holidays. But wait and see if the ex stays on a pedestal for long before disrupting his life completely.

its not that big a decision if his father is a good parent.

it will be no different, or should be no different than if Mum is caring for him.

some boys really need their fathers :yes: some do fine without them.. this one obviously isnt.

[~Candy~]

its not that big a decision if his father is a good parent.

it will be no different, or should be no different than if Mum is caring for him.

some boys really need their fathers :yes: some do fine without them.. this one obviously isnt.

:iagree: When dh and I seperated for a few months, it was fine for my eldest son to stay with his dad. He adores his dad and they are inseperable. If ds was sick and couldn't go to school, he would come here while dh was at work. It all worked out very well :)

[jo101]

:iagree:with Kayta, it such a tricky situation..for your ex to cut off contact like that cause of a squabble leads me to believe he must be quite immature. I had the same problem last year. My 12 yr old son wanted to go live with his dad, as we had moved 1000km away and he was having trouble settling in to his new school and missed home :crying: it was heartbreaking seeing him so upset.
I held out though and wouldn't agree. My ex while he trys to be a good parent, is sometimes very irresponsible, drink driving and going out to the pub ( conviently located down the road ) some nights, leaving my 12 yr old home alone. Perhaps try mediation to work out a parenting plan, if your ex and his partner are serious about trying to come to an agreement, they will welcome the idea of mediation. Good luck, its not an easy situation at all. Pm me if you need to talk. Good luck

[hsvmum09]

Thanks for the replies, we actually have court orders in place obviously not worth the paper they are written on. I tried to get him to come to mediation but he refused so I am struggling with other options at the moment.

Things are getting worse here I have an appointment at the school tomorrow to discuss new stratergies in regards to DS's behaviour and outbursts etc. I am struggling at the moment DP is away.

I seriously don't know what to do, is it wrong of me to need a break?

[Pax]

I seriously don't know what to do, is it wrong of me to need a break?

:no:

you just need to take each day as it happens. :hugs:

avoid worrying about things that may or may not happen

Is your sons father a good father?

[Lucy in the Sky]

Wow, it sounds like a very stressful situation for you! I don't blame you at all for wanting a break! I feel like that sometimes even with my 4 month old! I can't imagine all the strains on you right now.

At the end of the day, you need to go with your Mummy instinct. only you know whether your ex is capable of caring for your DS without returning him in 12mths time with more problems than he has now, whether your DS is trying to escape problems or genuinely needs his Dad, and whether you are capable of continuing on without giving your ex a turn at helping out. Your Mummy instinct knows the answer! And no-one would question your dedication to your DS which ever way you decide!

[hsvmum09]

Thought I would pop in and give you all a quick update. DS went to stay with dad but it only lasted a week and he wanted to come home, which I knew would happen as the grass is never greener so to speak.

We are organising counselling for him and am hoping the GP will refer him to a paed to see if there are any underlying issues that are causing his behavioural problems or if it is due to the stress of being in a blended/stepfamily environment!

Thanks again.