Just feeling abit sad...

[jessi]

DF and I have finally moved into our own place... and while its great to be in our own place- and have time together without my family in our faces all the time, I am feeling incredibly lonely and sad!

I feel like im not his fiance, but his house keeper and secretary... I pick up his clothes, make our bed, wash all our clothes and hang them out, bring them in also, prepare and cook meals, clean up all the mess after meals (taking plates, cutlery and cups to the sink and washing up), do his paper work for his business, do invoices, look up where his jobs are the next day, make his lunch, pick up all his bits and pieces... all the while, he sits on his butt playing his guitar or on the computer playing his killing games. (he doesnt notice how angry and upset this makes me, being his 'slave' and doing EVERYTHING for him- infact, he wouldnt even notice if I went into labour, thats how engrossed he gets with his guitar or computer games)

Over the last few days, DF has been really laying into me with the whole BLAME game... ANYTHING that happens, its my fault. Seeing that we moved house, I changed the address on the Invoices as we were no longer at the address on the Invoice. DF got a phone call, saying that the address had changed and that he may not get paid due to this. In the middle of the phone call, he politely said "Can I just get you to hold for 2 seconds" and came up to me and raised his hand at me like he was going to back hand me- he also had a really angry look on his face. After he got off the phone he went nuts at me for changing our address... (he never said to keep our old address on the invoice, I assumed, seeing that we we no longer at the old address- the NEW address had to go on there.)
He also called me this morning from a job, going off about how I HAD SCREWED UP AGAIN. Apparantly I had not put an important piece of paperwork in with the invoice and we werent going to get paid.... I clearly remember HIM sending it off to another place because it had a money order with it. He then made me search for a copy of it and drive into town to fax it. (we dont have a fax at home)... I didnt have enough money in my account or on me to fax it so I called him and he went nuts at me again, saying how I was such a b*tch and why was I doing this to him...

I dont even know what he was talking about... I was so upset by the time I got home, I thought about going to a friends house and just staying there the night, as I know when he gets home tonight, im probably going to cop it again.... But theres nowhere I can go. I only know a few people here in Brisbane, and I dont exactly feel comfortable confiding in them about this situation... I could have gone home to my family for the night, but I know that they would be in my face about this and keep hasselling me to decide whether its better for me to leave him... I feel so sad that I dont have anyone to go to...

and I feel so sad that our relationship is going this way... He used to help me, now, no matter how much I ask him to help me- he just ignores me and its like he EXPECTS me to clean up and pick up everything after him. (he made himself a 'snack' the other after noon, and I was already upset because I had been cleaning up all his clothes that he had thrown on the ground, and then I came down to make dinner- he had tomato sauce on the bench, his plate just left on the table,as with a cup, a pot with water on the stove, and bread crumbs all over the place- yet he just sat there while I picked it all up around him before starting dinner- and then he asked what we were having for dinner, when I answered him he said "do we have to? I dont like that meal", I burst into tears- sick of feeling like im nothing but a slave to him, and he looked at me and said "oh stop sulking will you?!")

Sorry... long post, im just abit over it... over feeling like I have nothing, over feeling like im his slave...

[SamanthaJane]

Sweety im so sorry... i dont know what to say:(

But i want to send you lots & lots & lots & lots & lots of hugs:hugs:

[MrsTwith3]

Jessi BIG:hugs: to you.
I was just wondering if you have spoken to him about how he is making you feel? Does he not realise how much you do for him or does he just expect it?
Im not one to put up with that kind of bulls*%$ and would just leave all his stuff lying around and not do his washing,cooking ,cleaning, invoices NOTHING till he realised that your not his slave.
I used to have an ex similar to that. He thought I used to sit on my butt all day in front of the tv doing nothing and couldnt quite comprehend how he always had clean clothes, clean house and meals cooked for him. He just expected it cause his mummy was still doing all that for him before we got together and moved in together.
You dont need to be treated like this Jessi. He is an adult and should start taking responsibility for himself. Tell him if he thinks you keep stuffing things up for him work related then he should do it himself so he has noone to blame then him.
Sorry if I havent made any sense but I just get soooooooo furious when I read of situations like this from insensitive, selfish pigs.
Maybe you should stay with your friend for a night or 2 to let him fend for himself and for you to get some much needed destress time.

Goodluck and more hugs

Mel

[SweetSerenity]

Hey Jessi!!

Im so sorry to hear he's being such a bast*** to you! You dont deserve ANY of that!

I think you should talk to him also and tell him how you're feeling and how dissapointed you are in the way he treats you, his partner and future mother to be of his child! He should have all the respect for you in the world! You do so much for him that you dont "have" to do...he needs to learn that he cant push you around like that, especially when your pregnant!

I agree that he should do all his damn paper work when he gets home from work, that way he cant blame you constantly.

I also think maybe tell him that if his attitude doesnt change that you wont cope or put up with living the way you guys are living.

I dont understand men! They can be such selfish pigs!

Sending you big hugs and i hope things improve!:hugs:

Luv Nat xxx

[jessi]

thanks ladies...

I have told him on many occasions, that if problems with his paperwork arise, its because he has failed to tell me something... I have also told him plenty of times to do it himself... He says for me to just leave everything for him, he will do it (by everything, he means, leave his clothes on the floor- he'll pick them up when he wants to wear them again).

He knows how I feel- I tell him often how I am not his slave. I tell him that I shouldnt have to pick up after him, hes an adult and its not a hard thing to do. I even said to him last night he cant keep making me feel the way he does, and he agreed with me... so, he knows hes making me feel like sh*t.

I have even told him, if this keeps happening, Im going to leave- but it doesnt seem to sink in... I thought that going to my friends house tonight would be good for exactly that reason, that he would realise what I actually do, because hed have to do it himself, only I realised that I would only return to a dirtier, more disgusting house...

I feel like leaving everything to him... just not washing anything, or cooking or cleaning and seeing how he likes it... but I doubt it would make a difference.

Maybe when the bub comes, he will finally see what I have been doing and how much of a help I am with his business.

[au01]

Hi Jessi,

I can really sympathise with you and I hope for your sake it does get better after bubs comes along. I really don't know your situation that well but in my experience in didn't for a long time.
I did pretty much everything including working P/T up until just recently.When our 3rd DD arrived this Jan and I realised I COULDN'T do everything I made it clear to him that he HAD to help out more.
He seemed to think I was coping fine until I did my na-na.:mad:
I don't mean to be a downer I guess what I'm trying to say is he needs to get his act together before the baby arrives (which is not long).
If you have a close friend go and stay there NOW and let him know your not going to put up with his garbage, it will be much harder after the baby arrives.
Yes ur home will probably be a pigsty when u get home but maybe a good friend will help clean up as you may not have the energy right now.
Sound like you deserve better:yes:
If you feel like a chat just PM me I am more than happy to listen.
Good luck:hugs:

[clairbear]

Jessi, I kind of know how you feel...I was in a similar situation (but not pregnant) a very long time ago, but I still remember the rawness of the wounds I felt when the person I thought who loved me, and who I loved so much and gave my whole heart to (and a baby too in your case) could be so insensitive and cruel.
My heart goes out to you, no-one should be made to feel that way, let alone someone who is pregnant and therefore has very delicate emotions and needs just the opposite kind of treatment!
I agree with everyone who says don't take the **** and stand up to him.....but i also understand how HARD it is when you just want to curl up and cry and have him make it better.
Please try to be strong for your and the baby's future though and do make some kind of stand that will hopefully get through to him...let him see what he would be losing.
Your doctor/midwife team or whoever is doing your pregnancy checkups can refer you to a free counsellor in your local community centre....please try to see one, you need to get it off your chest and maybe look at it in a different light and gather up the strength you need to deal with this. Thinking of you sweetie:hugs:

[jessi]

I was just thinking before, as I transfer all the TAX and GST and rent monies and bill monies over to the right accounts and what we have left at the end of it isnt much...

last week, we only had $400 left after everything was paid, and he completely did his Nana at me- asking me where all the money had gone (when, it was on the computer screen right in front of him where each amount had gone to)... It was like he thought I had just transfered half of his wage over to my account to go play with! (I put $100 for groceries, $40 for a loan payment and $60 for my mobile phone Bill and he questioned me about the "$200 I put in my account") I havent gotten anything for myself in AGES (except yesterday when I was out, I baught a $12 hair dryer becos my other one blew up and a new lipgloss which was needed as my other one had run out and I have very sore, dry lips atm)... I dont even take money for petrol because I know he will go crazy at me... (and he wonders why Im always saying 'I dont know if the car will make it-it doesnt have any fuel' and his reply is 'well get some then' Yeah, but I dont have any money and if I do transfer some he basically accuses me of spending it on something he doesnt know about) He can spend between $400 and $600 a week and If I ask where thats gone he gets even knarkier!

I can just imagine when he comes home tonight and he checks the bank balance... less than last week! I paid the home phone bill, rent, and put money in my account for groceries, loan payment and $30 for fuel as I have to drive to Redcliffe tomorrow for a Hospital appointment (we are in Shailer park atm, so its a LONG drive)... No doubt he'll have a go at me about this also...

But the funny thing is, before I even transfer any money over for Bills etc, hes visited an ATM and taken $400 out... I know he has to buy stuff for his business but I know for a fact that it doenst cost him $400!! Where is all the money going that he takes out?! (last week it was take away lunches-even though I make his lunch for him every day, a new guitar tuner, new guitar strings and a pair of new jeans...- yet he keeps going on at me about how we REALLY NEED TO SCRIMP right now!!)

ahh... im really not doing well. :gloomy:

[jessi]

We have a cheque for $950 comming and thats going straight into MY savings account next week... also next week we are getting a really good pay SO, again, I will be putting a nice $300/$400 away in MY savings account. I want to have the money there for when we move- so we can buy the ESSENTIALS that we need in a house... Like a washing machine! We are moving in about a month, at that stage, I will almost be ready to POP and DF said "we dont need a washing machine to begin with- we'll just use the laundromat"... I was like "You mean I"LL go use the laundromat... at 32-ish weeks pregnant?!" He kinda stared at me for a moment like I was just being silly and then goes "OK OK we'll buy a damn washing machine."
We also need a bed, as we dont have one... and most of, if not all of that cheque is going to be used as BOND money... So, we really have alot of saving to do!

I wish there was some way I could make some money-Id be saving every penny to make sure I had everything I needed for our bub... I was selling my paintings, but my drive to paint has dropped to ZERO atm...

[jessi]

That actually sounds great! I will mention it to DF and see what he says...

I just PM'd you too... blergh, i gotta go- this computer is giving me a headache... :wave:

[Kooy]

Hey there Jessi

All I can say to you now is keep strong. Most men don't know how lucky they are to have us!

I struggled when I was preggers cause my hubby thought every time I spazzed out that it was the preggo-brain talking... so he never listened to me. So maybe he is doing the same?

Maybe you guys just need some quality time together... can you organise a romantic date? Doesn't have to cost much.. maybe a picnic or something? I know my hubby and I bicker alot when we need more time together...

That is all I can think of to suggest for now.

Good luck and Keep us posted. :thumbsup:

[tasmum]

I had a similar problem a while ago, although my husband wasn't abusive, but he did take me for granted. I like you did most things, without a word of thanks. This all came to a head when I had a breakdown, I just couldn't take it anymore, I really felt like nothing (like you say a slave!).
Anyway I saw my GP and was diagnosed with depression and ever since that time I have realised that I had extreemly low self-esteem and I have worked really hard to improve that. I was put on anti-depressants which really helped just to keep my head above water (I went off them when I found out I was pregnant). But, once I realised that I was worth something I became alot more confident and managed to cope alot better with life itself. I would really recommend that you talk to your doctor about your feelings, even if you can get them off your chest you will feel better. I read the book " The Giant Within" by Tony Robbins and it really helped me. Good Luck. Just remember that you are never alone, there are so many people that want to help you.

[jessi]

yeah, I have an appointment with my GP next week, I have been too embarrassed to ask her any questions about depression during pregnancy... I will do next time though.

I nearly threw a chair at DF last night, I felt so upset- he ignored me most of the night in favour of playing his guitar... meanwhile I cooked a nice roast dinner... He turned to me at one stage and asked what was wrong with me as he could feel the 'negative vibes' i was sending his way. I replied "yeah well, Im sick of you thinking of me as your cook/cleaner/receptionist". That at least had enough impact on him for him to do the washing up for me.


This morning has been the worst though... DF asked me to take a cheque to the bank today for the business, but I said I couldnt cos I am busy (I have a sh*tload of washing to do, and have to go meet with real estate agents and go to a hospital appointment) and HE TOLD ME THAT I HAVE TO LEARN TO PUT MYSELF OUT FOR OTHER PEOPLE EVERY NOW AND THEN!!!!

I absolutley lost it- I was like "how can you sit there and say that I dont put myself out for anyone? MY WHOLE LIFE has been put out for YOU! I DO EVERYTHING FOR YOU, and YOU dont take one bit of notice! Im treated like your cook, cleaner and receptionist... I dont do ANYTHING for myself, ITS ALL FOR YOU! You obviously dont know how LUCKY YOU ARE!!! I dont have anything for myself anymore- I hate it... and STOP BLAMING ME FOR EVERYTHING that happens- its YOUR business, YOU are the one who is supposed to be running it!!" He then went nuts at me and walked out- I sat there bawling my eyes out and then he came running back up the stairs and asked me WHY exactly I was so upset? I was like "I think Ive explained that to you VERY clearly already this morning" to which he replied I only feel that way because of my pregnancy hormones. I pretty much growled at him that I would feel EXACTLY the same if I wasnt pregnant... It took him maybe another 5minutes but then he came and kept apologizing and hugging me, and asking me to please dont be sad and that he knows I do such a great job with everything...

I dont want to be told I do a great job, I want him to help. I want him to stop execting ME to do everything. I want him to realise EXACTLY what I do for him.

Who knows if that will ever happen... :gloomy:

[*Chels*]

Jessi,he needs to sort his **** out before the baby comes!!Or else you are going to be lumped with looking after the baby 24/7.
Easier said than done,but you sound like you would be better off without him!He sounds really nasty and controlling and you dont need that,neither does bubs.
Dont feel like youre alone!If you ever need to chat,PM me or email me!!:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:
Take care love

[Shelangelang]

You finally got a chance to have a hissy fit and from what you have written it may have had some affect on him for him to show some remorse and caring towards you. Sometimes these things are one baby step at a time...

With his youth and inexperience (guys take so long to mature) he sounds to me like he needs to snap out of it and realise that in a short time he will have a child and realise what it is to have the life of a helpless being in his hands...

I would suggest an option for you would be to sit down and actually write down what you do now at home over what period of time and what he does outside the home over what period of time - assuming that you both work a full day. Then list the things you do outside work hours and what he does outside work hours. Then sit down over a coffee and a bikkie and let me know that being pregnant or not you need help to manage the house and will need more help once the baby comes.

EG: I would like you to do the dishes every night if I cook dinner so I can be free to fold washing or wash towels or sit and watch tv for half an hour with my feet up and enjoy some time while our baby is still reasonable quiet on the inside.

See what his reaction is... I had problems with my hubbie and explained to him that I know he works full-time and does long hours, but my day is long too. I get up, get my daughter up by 5:00am, get ready, drop her at daycare, 1 hour bus to work, work all day, 1 hour trip home, bath her, feed her, put her to bed, then wash up (he cooks), empty dish washer, make lunchs for the next day, feed the dog, do a few loads of washing and then sit down at about 10pm.

Changes: He still cooks, but while I wash up he puts Lena to bed, feeds the dog - not a huge change but enough to relieve some pressure and allow me to relax a bit more... as I said Baby Steps.

Hope some of this helps, but at the stage you are at you obviously saw something in him to decide to be with him and have his child so my advice is to stick it out for the long haul. We all go through bad patches as I'm sure men and women were never designed to live together...

Good Luck :hugs:

PS - But at the first sign of violence as the raised hand worries me - you walk girl for your safety and your babies - no ifs buts or maybes...

[Miss_WingBat]

Hi Jessi and everyone in the thread,
yes, i totally agree that men can be totally insensitive and ignorant to the running of a household. I have a brand new bubba of three weeks and two other ratbags and even after three kids, I still have conflicts over "pink job/blue jobs" around the house.

Just wanted to let you know, if you are in need of furniture, very tight with the $$$ and don't mind second-hand stuff, log into:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/freecycle_brisbane/
I'm in Townsville and the one up here goes off with free furniture, beds, washing machines etc that people are GIVING AWAY. We got a great 3 pce lounge recently because ours was totally r..ted and impossible for a fattie preggie to get out of, let alone breast-feed in. My suggestion is to keep a constant eye on the sight because its first in, best dressed. The only condition to asking for stuff is that you have to post a give-away first.
Hope this helps and good luck. I know everyone says 'Communication is the key' but sometimes its hard when the other party is acting like a child!!

[kas_chat]

After reading your posts and the replies you have received I want to tell you that I think you know the answer :shame: (like I did) the time away at a friends house for a few days would probably do you wonders... as well as let you share the burden of your decision a bit... help you to get some perspective... I have been in a very similair situation except now we have a BIG mortgage and our son is almost 3, i had a ab in dec and nothing has changed :banghead: ... they were warning signs and I kept hoping that all would come good... things are even harder to change once you get married and so on... I wish I had of reached out for help and guidance like you have before I got married. I ignored all the warning bells that were going off in my head and let my heart cloud my judgement. and now it's soooo complicated. look after yourself and trust your instincts even if the answer is sad and scary... you need to take some strong decisive actions now so that he knows he not only shouldn't treat you like a doormat or hotel maid, but CANNOT. I'm trying to take my own medicine .... it can be a long and windy lonely road. Let us know how you are going. I am worried for you and think maybe others might be too. take care and be strong K