Egg Donation Tears and Tantrums

[FOURtunate]

Today I have very mixed feelings about my donation.

C (my recipient mummy) phoned me yesterday. I was really happy to hear from her, and we had a lovely chat. C told me that there was another lady who had phoned her about donating her eggs, and that C was talking to her as well. At this point, C still wants to go ahead, but I feel really up in the air now. Like when you're in a waiting room, about to go for a job interview, and you're looking at the other girl sitting opposite you with her resume. Then there's the agonising wait, to see if you've got the job.

It's just that it was a big decision for me to do this. I have invested alot of myself already, and have undergone preparations etc And mostly, I have developed a relationship with C and her partner. Now I feel a little.... awkward. Does this make any sense? I know C is running out of time. And I know that she needs to keep her options open. But I thought that this was all pretty special, and now I feel as though I'm a "reserve" or "backup".

Apart from this, I am still feeling very positive, and pretty happy with my decision and all it entails. I just need some support today. I don't want to give any more of myself for nothing. I still want to donate, but if C does "knock me back", I will feel very bittered by this experience and it will be difficult to trust again.:crying:

[PMS]

Today I have very mixed feelings about my donation.

C (my recipient mummy) phoned me yesterday. I was really happy to hear from her, and we had a lovely chat. C told me that there was another lady who had phoned her about donating her eggs, and that C was talking to her as well. At this point, C still wants to go ahead, but I feel really up in the air now. Like when you're in a waiting room, about to go for a job interview, and you're looking at the other girl sitting opposite you with her resume. Then there's the agonising wait, to see if you've got the job.

It's just that it was a big decision for me to do this. I have invested alot of myself already, and have undergone preparations etc And mostly, I have developed a relationship with C and her partner. Now I feel a little.... awkward. Does this make any sense? I know C is running out of time. And I know that she needs to keep her options open. But I thought that this was all pretty special, and now I feel as though I'm a "reserve" or "backup".

Apart from this, I am still feeling very positive, and pretty happy with my decision and all it entails. I just need some support today. I don't want to give any more of myself for nothing. I still want to donate, but if C does "knock me back", I will feel very bittered by this experience and it will be difficult to trust again.:crying:

:hugs: Hugs to you:hugs: Im sorry that you are feeling this way about your IM.
You might have to have a chat with her about your feelings and keep things in the open. My first IP's were wonderful; we got on very well and still do. I was dissaponted when they decided to go with their other donor; but in the end they made the decision that was right for them. It's great that you are still very positive about donating; keep the reasons that you are doing this close to your heart.
If things dont work out with your IM then take a break to sort your feelings out and then get back on track with your ED journey. There are many deserving couples out there looking for donors. I have found one of them and Im sure you will find another couple that you feel just as strongly about.
Best of luck hon; I hope things do work out with you and "C" but if they dont; you will be fine.
:hugs: Hugs again, Peta

[wa mum of 4]

Hi angeldoula :wave:
I am in the process of donating (bloods and all beginning).:smiliedance:
I feel with you, it is a big decision for us to do this, donating affects all involved.
How far are you into the journey?
Have you had any counseling sessions yet?
If it has begun than I think that C is being a bit unfair to you. :no:
I understand that IP's need to keep their options open but it is like you talking to another IP considering donating to them.
I think egg donation needs total commitment from both parties.:yes:
Talk to C and tell her how you feel, you both should feel comfortable about your decisions.
Neither of you should go forward if there is doubt.
That’s just my thoughts.
Sarah

[provencein3]

Hi Angeldoula

I can understand your frustration to an extent. I was recently chatting to a potential donor who had been in a similar circumstance. She had spent considerable time getting to know an IP and they had pulled out. I heard from her a few times and then no further communication though she said she was to send me an email. I didn't pursue it as I thought perhaps the effort of reacquainting herself with someone was more than she could do from an emotional perspective.

I guess that is the benefit of the donor programmes via clinics because it is "coordinated" and because of the reduced amount of information available perhaps less chance to be "selective."


I've often wondered what it is that makes potential donors respond to one person or another. I know some wonderful women that have placed adverts and gotten no responses and yet there are other that are in the situation of being able to choose. Some spend months trying to find a donor. Others find one in a week. Does the fact that you have more time to spend on forums or are better with words mean that you will get more responses. As someone said on another forum "we all have a different story but we are all deserving" .

I've spent the last six months almost obsessively looking at these forums. For what, I'm not quite sure. Whether I was hoping for some subliminal message from a higher being to tell me that at 1000 on day X I would receive an email from "the one". I've placed an advert everywhere I could possibly find and now have received responses from numerous people who don't know anything about these forums and have simply done a google and found an ad from me. I wouldn't consider myself the most socially adept person but I've been spending all quite a considerable amount of time responding to a number of ladies, trying to give them some information, perhaps trying to coax them a little and trying to determine how I could appeal to them. It's certainly not easy and extremely draining for both sides.

The "rules" are that a Recipient is to speak with one donor at a time. there is a fine line however as I have received several responses and been chatting with a few potential donors at a time but they are "potential". Many are simply enquiring. The donor coordinators at QFG which I enquired stated that of the 10 that will enquire usually only about 1 will follow through. So that is one element. Then as Jacinta mentioned, there is that element of caution. I had a donor lined up in December. She went to the initial doctors appointment with me and then her communications became quite sparse. I eventually had to ask her "are you going to do this or not". So there are recipients who have had donors pull out on them when they've had their hopes high.

I'm not saying there is a right or wrong side here. It's unfortunately the nature of the beast when people are operating in a free environment.

I would suggest you speak to your IP and ask her where you stand. She has at least been honest enough with you to tell you that someone else has contacted her so that is perhaps a sign of a good relationship.

[sarahstarfish]

Oh Sweet

I know how disappointed you must feel, but it's not over yet. I think the main issue isn't that they have another donor perhaps, but is that they haven't told you upfront? If you had known when you went to meet them last week that there was another person around as well, would have made your own approach a little more cautious and perhaps realistic that you might not be the one they choose. I too would be very upset, and regardless of how hard/difficult/traumatic it all is for recipients, there are certain rules of common decency that still apply - and that is being honest with you about where abouts they are up to on their side of the fecne....just as you would tell them your own plans of having another baby, being on long term contraception or even, talking to another recipient.

And doesn't mean they won't choose you based on anything at all about lovely you.....some recipients really want their donor to look like them for example, or another donor might live closer and so much easier for cycling, they might be younger blah blah blah..so many reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with being 'you'. So as hard as it is to put yourself out there, please don't take it too personally if it comes to nothing. So many of us have 'trial runs' that don't go ahead....put it down to experience my girl!

Let us know how you go.

Love

Cindy

[babydreams]

Hi Angeldoula,

Like the others have said, don't be too disappointed, this can be a difficult situation to negotiate, whichever side of the fence you're on, maybe knowing our story will help?

We were in the very fortunate position of having offers from two generous ladies. Having gone as far as counselling with a potential donor once before (she wasn't comfortable being a known-donor and changed her mind), we deliberately chose to take our time before making a decision.

We were open with both ladies about the fact that we were in contact with someone else too and that we didn't intend to rush into anything. We felt very strongly that we should take some time getting to know a potential donor before deciding to go ahead...after all, this person and her children would have a special link to our future child forever. We spoke on the phone, chatted on MSN, emailed photos to each other and began to form lovely new friendships.

After a couple of months we felt that it was time to make a choice for two reasons: 1. so that we could begin to make arrangements 2. so that the other person could move on and donate to someone else if they desired. We travelled interstate and had a lovely time with both of them. It was a very difficult choice, but in the end we went with the younger one, who might give us a greater chance at success.

I was very nervous phoning the person we didn't choose and felt awful about it...kind of like I had to dump a much loved boyfriend! :o Fortunately she has been terrific about it and although was disappointed has stayed in touch with us and the donor community (on Bubhub and AED). I am thrilled to say that I consider both of them to be friends. Our donor is having her first appt with our Dr on 13th July (very exciting!) and the other person has since gone on to offer her eggs to another lucky recipient. It has been a very positive and rewarding journey so far.

So Angeldoula, don't let your beautiful heart be too broken if this one doesn't go ahead. There are so many wonderful people out there who are praying that someone like you might come along. Take all the time you need to feel what you are feeling, we'll be here to listen and support.

Take care,
Babydreams xx:hugs:

[PMS]

Hi sweets; how are you going? Have you had a chance to talk about your feelings with "C"? Would love to know how you went......
Well stay positive; it is still a beautiful thing that you are doing no matter who you donate to.



:hugs: Peta

[babydreams]

Hi Angeldoula, just wondering how you are going. Hope things are a little brighter for you now. Any news?
Babydreams xx