He did it to me again!

[BayleysMum]

Okay, so my partner has actually proposed to me twice already. Both times I started planning our wedding etc and then we when got into an argument he told me he didnt really want to propose and that he only did it because we had kids together and I wanted him to. The last time was 2 years ago. The other night we were talking and he asked me if I wanted him to propose again or if we should just plan an engagement party. I said I would be happy to just plan our engagement party and get on with it and get married. I started organising it again, getting quotes and everything for the THIRD time. When we were coming home from work this afternoon, we got into an argument because I was talking about the wedding and engagement. He got really upset and he kept yelling at me 'I'm glad your happy', as if to say he's not! and that he wanted to propose. He was really angry :(I just dont get it. I cant keep being put through this as it really upsets me and it makes me really resent him. I guess I am just venting.

I was so happy for those two days though. I was even having dreams about getting married! Oh well!!

[MummyDaddy]

Sorry honey ... why don't you both try that premarriage counselling ... it might help ... maybe ask yourselves why you would like to get married.

- partnership (you already have that)
- have a party
- be together forever and put that in writing
- make your union legally binding for the children

Maybe ask him why he would like to get married and if he would like to propose to you why don't you say that you would love a surprise proposal whever he felt ready or wanted to do that.

But I think the counselling could be a good idea :hugs:

[missie_mack]

:eek: :eek: TBH I wouldn't want to marry someone who would treat me like that ...thats just a horrid thing to say and do to someone you are meant to love ... does he not realise that having children together is a FAR bigger commitment than getting married :confused:

A husband and wife may not always be the others partner but they will ALWAYS be the other parent of your child who one would assume you will have to deal with on some level til death do you part

[Naboo]

I hate to tell you this but it sounds like he really doesn;t want to get married. He doesn't sound very nice either to be honest!

[blessedmummy]

:iagree: with pheonix rising, defiantely try premarriage councilling, and see if he really wants to get married, cause i can tell you that its best not to get into a marriage if ya having troubles in the first place and cant work them out.:no:

[I love JJJ]

I am so sorry you are going through this....I know someone who went through very similar thing and TBH, it sounds like he just doesn't want to get married.
I hope you can work things out.
:hugs:

[BayleysMum]

Thanks for everyone's responses.

My partner is a good dad and provider, but he is still very immature. I just wish he would make up his mind up and stop telling me one thing only to change his mind a few days later :(

I am not sure whether he would go to pre-marital counselling but it does sound like something that would be worth mentioning.

I'm mostly disappointed that I started organising our engagement party and wedding and then he changed his mind. It makes me look stupid, especially when I am sending queries to the same venues over and over lol.

Thanks again, and next time he has a moment and think he wants to get married, I will tell him that he can organise it because I have been black listed :laughing:

[BayleysMum]

Mahlimae: what happened to your friends that were in a similar situation?

[Misheycat]

My DH did that whilst we were engaged (it took 6 years to get engaged), though he didn't call it off he threatened to and told me it was a mistake when we had an argument. 2 years later (last year) we got married, so far so good.

Hopefully your DP will sort himself out, mine admitted to have been scared of commitment and marriage but is now a dedicated husband and father.

Good luck! :thumbsup:

[Ardentwhispers]

Definitely seek out premarital counseling. If he doesn't agree to counseling I wouldn't agree to marriage.

I married my ex while we were fighting all the time - 6 months later we were seperated and eventually divorced. Marriage will compound any problems already there, I wouldn't go into one again without a clean slate with things like that.

Maybe you really need to think about why you want to get married, and if it's what you should really be doing at this point in time.

[Guest1234]

Hey,
Just a random thought, but is it possible he would like to help you organise it, not just you? Or has he been helping you?

Im sorry your going through this and I hope you can sort something out with him. It sounds like he really needs a good talking to. You shouldnt be put through all this backwards and forwards all the time :(

[moozle]

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through such a tough time, Sweetie. The way it has all played out is horrible and it must be really hard for you.

Try not to take this out on your partner although he has hurt you. He very clearly has issues and maybe it would help if he saw someone to sort them out and work out what he wants.

In the end, you have to do what makes you happy. It may be that he's trying to make you happy by proposing but it's not what he wants or he's just not ready. Have you tried talking to him about what it is that he's afraid of? Is he worried that things will change between you? Maybe you can suggest that you both go to relationship counseling - not because there is something wrong with him (men hate that almost as much as an ultimatum!) but because you want the relationship to be as strong and heathly as possible for your children. Marriage is not the be all and end all, it's a wonderful experience to share together but if spending the rest of your lives together is what you both have in mind - there really is no rush.

Keep us posted on what happens. I really hope it all works out for you :)

[lau]

I might sound totally silly here........... but would it be worth sitting down with him, telling him that you realise its a really big committment, and maybe asking him what his fears are around the whole idea? Maybe share with him the reasons why you are so 'for' the marriage, and what it would mean to you, and then see if you can get him talking about what he isnt so keen about????
Sometimes people react in a certain way out of fear or worry, maybe he is asking you to marry him because he really would like to, but then having those moments of doubt where he gets stressed and thinks its all too hard, money issues, etc etc! (and what you are seeing is the' too hard lets not do it!!!'.)

Either way, and however it works out, i think conversations like this are so so valuable as you get to learn more about the other preson, how they value your thoughts, their responses to things etc

just my thoughts anyway!

:hugs:to you, and i hope it all works out for you.

[lau]

oh, im not excusing the way he spoke to you either! i just think how you speak to each other is a whole other issue,and has its own entity, and i think you came on here to post about the engagement issue, so i just replied on that. :)