11 year old DSD, help please

[Mel W-C]

My 11 year old DSD is coming to live with her father and I and i have no idea about anything i have more idea of what to do with a baby then an 11 year old.

Do you shower/bath at night or in the morning? what is a good bed time?
Should she be making her own school lunch?
What sort of house hold jobs should we be getting her to do?
how much pocket money is ok at this age?

and if you can think of anything else that will be helpful that would be great.

thanks heaps

[talia11]

My 11 year old DSS has a list of chores he does every sat - change bed, vacume room, dust etc - all in his own room and the occasion other hosuehold chores he helps out with such as drying dishes - he also picks up the dog poo every sat.

He also makes his own lunch for school, and gets his school clothes ready for ironing.
Bedtime is at 8.30 on school night and 9.30 fri and sat and he showers every evening.

We don't give him set pocket mony but if he does additional chores gets $1 or $2, and when we have extra change we give it to him and he puts it in a money box to then go to the bank. If you are giveing pocket money set each week i would think $5 - $10 a week is more than reasonable.

[kirstenriley]

how about you sort all that out with her? Ask for her input and what she thinks is appropriate and that way she is involved rather than being "told" the houserules etc?

[LizzardLover]

It would depend on what sort of routine she's had with her mother. If she's never had to make her own lunches before or never had chores etc... you would need to slowly introduce those things so as to not overwhelm her.

I would probably sit her down and tell her that you want to work together to decide what rules will be put in place so that she doesn't think you are being unfair or hard on her.

[Ffrenchknickers]

I agree, you need to chat to her about what her existing routine is (if she has one.) Probably try and stick with as much of it as possible so that she feels comfortable and not like things are all over the place for her. Obviously if things are not as they should be (she stays up til midnight, doesn;t shower or do any chores....) then you will have to come up with reasonable guidelines - again, with her help. I think she would really appreciate having the input and will make her understand that you value her.

When to shower is probably a time thing...and when it works best for you and for her.

Good luck, I hope she settles in :)

[Pax]

Do you shower/bath at night or in the morning? what is a good bed time?
Should she be making her own school lunch?
What sort of house hold jobs should we be getting her to do?
how much pocket money is ok at this age?


I have a 16, 14 and 12 year old and have the same rules for all at 11 years of age.

shower at night, if not a bedwetter but not before bed so not sleeping with a wet headso about 7pm.. but you will need to tell her every night "its time for a shower now."

9.00pm bedtime

I make their lunches

chores include: feed the animals, empty the bins, unstack the dishwasher, homework All which need to be reminded to do every afternoon after school BEFORE any play/leisure time.

my kids didnt get pocket money, but i would say $10 per week if i could afford it. I pay for their social outings to the movies but no pocket money just to be spent on junk food.

I agree with PP you need to talk to your DSD about what she feels is expected from her but i would go about it like this. BUT only after you molly coddle her and do everything for her for a week, so she feels loved and welcomed. :yes:

"Dsd (name) welcome to our home, this is also your home now and i want you to feel that, because we are happy and excited to have you here. Now to help us all get along we need to talk about what about what the rules are and what we can expect from each other. I have put together a list of chores that you need to do every day. Just like your Dad and I have to do our jobs and chores, you too will have to be part of the family and pull your weight for this to all work out.

*give list* and ask where she would like to hang it for a couple weeks to help her remember. or just tell her you are going to put it up on the kitchen wall so as she can see it to help her remember.

remind her again how exciting it is to have her there and perhaps tell a funny story about when you were a kid.. trust me it helps girls to relate to you by humanising you with ones own stories.

But before all this is said, perhaps you could start off with the positives.

"Your Dad and I have decided that we want to give you pocket money, this is something we are excited to do because it will help you learn about money and give you a bit of freedom to spend some how you want, if you ever need more however you just need to tell us and we will talk about it"

you need to remind her about your views (if you dont have them you better get them in a hurry with a girl LOL) on conserving electricity and water. "We all only shower once a day around here unless something else happens that requires us to shower more. Dad and I shower in the mornings and therefore we need you to have a shower at night so as there is plenty of hot water to go around (reverse it if necessary). We only have 4 min showers as demanded by the water board so as water is being conserved. blah blah blah so your shower time will be at night and it is expected around here to shower once a day, so please do so and if you need any razors, soap or products like shampoo let me know and i will buy it for you"

discuss menstruation at this point and ask her if she needs pads and if she says NO then tell her that she will soon and that not to feel badly about it and just to tell you and you will sort it all out for her.

Explain the phone protocol. how many calls per day she is allowed and whether you allow mobile phone calls or not. We dont allow them here.

Computer allowance. you and DH need to work out what is allowed on that and track her MSN messages etc if you feel it necessary (this is where a lot of trouble happens at this age)

OMG i could go on for hours.

PM me and i can give you my ph number if you need to ask more :laughing: fingers are tired.

[my_lot]

Hi,

We've just had a child come into our care too, bit older than yours and i have four of my own too.

I would focus on setting a good school routine first.

Ask if she wakes up on her own or needs to be woken, if she gets ready for school on her own, if she likes to shower before school or before bed. You will have to ask what foods she likes to take for school.

Sort out the after school routine, put it on a wall if its going to be different each day. Make the free time and home work time clear and ask to see all homework. Keep in touch with the school over whats needed to be done each day. It will probably be a home reader or chapter book from home and a spelling list for each night with a test at the end of the week and maybe some mentals too. Best to put half and hour aside for the homework and chat about school work.

If you have to change schools your up for some hurdles. Get hold of the school website, if they have one and its kept up to date thats great. They may offer after school sports at a reduced cost to team sports or even free. Find out what they offer "in school" to see if there is something she is interested in joining, it will help her make friends and give her confidence.

In home rules can go with the flow of what she asks for. You dont need to be put on the spot and need to give and answer. If there is something you dont know about or dont know if she should do tell her to wait while you ask her dad and then get back to her.

Youll be able to judge what her bedtime should be by how tired she gets and how she behaves when shes tired! It could be drama queen, tears, shouting, stomping or all of the above :laughing: between 7.30 and 8.30 is about norm for this age i think.

Youll have to work out internet and TV time, as in how much you allow, or she may run with it! Youll have to start watching things for their ratings ( G, PG, M ) Something as simple as "im just watching a music show" is worth going past the TV to check out- it could be on the boarder line for porn!




I dont give set jobs, or paid chores or even a set pocket money each week. I expect them to make their own beds daily (and i strip it bare if they dont) I like them to keep their own room tidy and take out dirty clothes but thats it for what is set for them to do daily.

I think by living in a big family they already do so much to help that i dont want them having "chores" on top. I dont want them to feel narky about being made to do something but rather that they are helping our home run smoothly and we value their input and help

So they help when they are home and help is needed. It could be helping each other get out the door by one child making another ones lunch. Most nights i have at least one offering to help with vegies or making something to go with dinner, like putting on pasta or making a cake or jelly...Every now and then i give them $20 and wait outside the supermarket while they go in together and buy everything needed for dinner and then make it together. Some nights they help with the dishes and other days they help with folding washing, even if that help is matching socks its a great help!

11 is a grand age for back chat and "my friends are allowed"- good luck with those :laughing:

and its also an age where they are great fun to be with, they love life, can still laugh at themselves and all without the teenage hangups. Its interesting to listen to their ideas and views on the world.

:yelclap: Good on you for taking her into your home, I wish you All the best. Drop me a PM if you ever want to chat.

[anewme]

I agree, you need to chat to her about what her existing routine is (if she has one.) Probably try and stick with as much of it as possible so that she feels comfortable and not like things are all over the place for her. Obviously if things are not as they should be (she stays up til midnight, doesn;t shower or do any chores....) then you will have to come up with reasonable guidelines - again, with her help. I think she would really appreciate having the input and will make her understand that you value her.

When to shower is probably a time thing...and when it works best for you and for her.

Good luck, I hope she settles in :)


:iagree: Take things slowly.

[Mel W-C]

thanks so much for all your replies, you have been very helpful and i really appreciate it.
big thanks to Morrigan,talia11 and my-lot your info was great and will help me very much.
she eems to be settling in well so far but only time will tell i guess