I feel like I am wrong... (this is a bit long)

[mumtok&z]

I will start from the beginning. I met my husband 4 years ago and his son was 18 months old. He had split from the mother for several months, any way we kind of just feel into a "blended family" routine. I was so happy to have a SS and couldn't wait to be able to give him some siblings to grow up with. Well we DH and i married when i was 5 months pregnant with DS1 and even after he was born things with SS were great. Then I got pregnant again when DS1 was 7 months old and naturally i was over the moon. Well DS2 came along and that is when things started to go down hill. Actually no, it all started on DS1's first birthday.
I had asked SS to do somethin and he answered back "My mum saisd i don't have to listen to you because you are a silly muslim". I was horrified. I know in my heart that he has learnt this from his other household and i shouldn't have been so upset with him but i was still angry. I didn't tell DH about this incident because I was so confused about how I felt about SS after ward. My reaction was " That isn't a nice thing to say to anyone, if you aren't going to say nice things in this house don't say anything at all". I managed to keep my cool...

The next incident was when DS2 was a month old and DS1 had just started walking. SS kept grabbing DS1's ankles and tripping him over. After repeatedly telling him off and asking him not to do what he was doing I sent him to the naughty corner and by this time was quite upset ( DS1's head had just missed coffee table by milimetres). DH intervened and asked SS why was he doing this? Was he trying to hurt DS1 and Did he want to hurt DS1? SS's answer was yes he wanted to hurt DS1. He wouldn't say why and DH reacted by saying things like he doesn't deserve brothers if he wants to hurt them etc. After his dads reaction SS wasn't even concerned about what he had done or said. He basically said he didn't care. Now he is only 6 this year and i didn't even know kids could be like that so young.

Any way since then SS has been nothing but trouble. He tries stirring me ( I am pretty cluey on he and his mum's games now so I ignore most of what is aimed at me) but he constantly bullies my boys. He comes to stay every fortnight and when he does come he bullies them, breaks their toys and is rough as guts with them both even DS2 who is now only 11 months old.

Ever since the first incident I have been battling with these feelings of resentment and I find my self thinking "If I knew things were going to go like this I wouldn't have married DH". I feel edgy when ever he is here and am constantly watching him to make sure he doesn't hurt the boys.
I don't like feeling like this about a child but I find the more I try to feel like I did before, the more I wish he wasn't around. i ddon't feel like I have the right o tell DH any of my feelings and I don't want my boys growing up knowing they have a half brother that they were stopped from seeing. But I don't want them getting hurt either. I anticipate the weekends that I know he is coming and when he doesn't come I feel relief.

Is there any way to fix this? I used to love him and would have done anything for him but now... i have all of this eating at me.

[anastacia 24]

hi mum to kz the only thing i can think of is that the boy thinks he is not getting enough attention from you so resents you and your kids for it .or his mother is a nasty piece of work and is telling him to theses things. has your husband said any thing to his mother about his behaviour ? could be add or somthing like that.

[pegasus]

Hi Mum to K&Z

I was horrified to hear the first comment your SS said to you about why he shouldn't listen to you - big alarm bells.

I fully understand about biomums feeding their kids values that really clash with your own and have been watching my stepkid's personalities emerge as very confused. I have been with my two stepkid's father for nearly 9years (married for nearly 7). In the meantime, we have gone through a lot of grief with things their mother has said to them and behaviours which have been modelled to them.

For example, when my DSD was 4 she was staying with us and was on the phone to her mother, when she got off the phone, she said "mummy told me to say a bad thing" - turns out mummy told her to tell me I was a b****.

In the following years, we've had a fair few incidents where at times I have questioned whether it is worth the heartache to be with a man who has children by someone else where I have so little influence, but am influenced greatly by. Lately we've not had as much contact as previously and we're more waiting for the kids to choose when they want to stay with us. I have sadly come to the realisation that we have happier weekends when it's just my hubby, me and my son when I'm not going round trying to make sure that my son isn't getting shown things I don't want him to be, and I'm not monitoring my stepkids. I do want them to have relationships between the four of them (my son, other bub and the two stepkids), but these days I just take it one day at a time. At times it seems like a bit of a waiting game for the kids to work out how they should be acting, while trying to help them see there are different ways to live your life, but at the same time not putting their mother down to them. The frustration is still there, but the more I've got frustrated, the more I've decided that I have to pour my energy into my children and just be there for the step children as they choose - if that makes sense. I also feel that no matter how hard I find this blended family stuff, it has to be 10x harder on them, but that shouldn't mean my 2kids have to suffer - they only have one mum (however, they are lucky, as their father is a lot more able to be part of their lives so they benefit from a father who is more active in their lives)

As for how I go with the father - I still get very frustrated with how he handles some situations, but (yes, it's taken me nearly 9years) I'm learning still that I have to be content with accepting a lot of the situations I don't agree with and having faith that it'll all work out in the end.

[pegasus]

Just wanted to add (cos my other post was so long - LOL), that although I went on about my story in my post, the main thing I wanted to get across was that it's not a wrong feeling, in many ways it's a natural feeling when in a situation such as you are.

Good luck to you and happy to talk more if you want.:fingerscrossed: :hugs:

[Blessed Mum]

Hi, first big :hugs: for you. I am a step-mum too & it is very hard. I have definately felt resentful & felt some of the things you are describing & questioned myself & my relationship/marriage. Your SS is treating you very nastily & at such a young age you need to remind yourself it is fed behaviour which is even sadder. Do not allow your sons to be bullied under any circumstance. You & your husband need to sit down & talk & set some ground rules & the next visit your ss needs to be age-appropriately told them & if he does do any of those things - he needs to have consequences & consistancy. Also you are handling the rude remarks very well. Try & not give an explosive or hurt reaction as this would be a payoff rather remind him of niceities & respect & praise him when he is being good or playing nicely.

We are here any time you need to talk. Being a step parent is a long hard road but my DSS is nearly 17years old & the relationship we have going is amazing & it does get better. Stand up for yourself & your children & hopefully feelings of resentment, anger,frustration etc will subside & at the very least you can live peacefully in your shared time.

:hugs: Tara

[mumtok&z]

Thanks for all the replies regarding my situation. After I wrote the first post i was really worried that i had done something wrong and that i would be seen as a nasty step mum, but I feel relieved. I have not spoken to many people about this and it was venting inside of me. I feel a little better I still don't like feeling the way i do about SS but I will take it one weekend at a time (when he is here)....

[Mum2Bug]

Ange get your butt to playgroup girl. How come none of us know how bad its getting?

[Mum2AandJ]

hey :hugs: , I have to say when I read the first comment from your SS, my jaw dropped. I know it may be hard and you may feel like you are treading on egg shell when it comes to saying how you feel and reacting to your SS. But it is your house in your care and while he is in your house, your rules apply, also because your children will see whats happening and learn things like the voilence and racisim, and you dont want that. You need to talk to your DH, because these feeling won't go away.

Also I know this might even be harder, but forgiveness and showing him the equal love and affection as your boys (not saying you dont) could be the solution. Even if he rejects you a couple of times, just say to him that ok, and continue on something else and he will realise he didnt get a reaction..... and keep trying. And if he is looking for a reaction for attention he will realise he will only gets reation from you when he is good and polite etc...and accepts your love and care!
Good luck chicky, and his first comment, dont take offence towards him, take offence towards his mother, his mother is the shrew, and the SS is too young to understand what he is really saying. It's women like his mother that start racisism in young children, and then grow up with that attitude :shame: