Who do I believe? WARNING: REALLY LONG!

[mum33]

where do i start..

sorry this may be long...

an ex gf of DP's that lives in a city just out of sydney where DP used to live has been making contact on and off since we got together 2 1/2 years ago. the first time i felt it was inappropriate and asked her via txt message not to contact him anymore and apparently DP did the same.

she stopped trying to call him for a while but the started up again several times before i got pregnant (we got pregnant on our 1yr anniversary) and again DP would talk to her again as if he forgot all the trouble she caused the last time they would speak to each other. but again i would tell DP to tell her not to speak to him and she wouldnt contact him for a while.

then when i was pregnant she contacted him again and she asked were we still together and DP also told her i was pregnant and then i found out they were talkin again so DP cut himself off from her once again and deleted her number.

then when i had DS and he was about a month old, DP was in the same city out of sydney where his ex is because he had a job to do there for his work. one night i started to talk to this guy friend again that i had stopped talkin to before because of jealous DP told me not to anymore. he was an online friend not an ex or anything like that.

when i told DP he didnt like it and got crazy jealous because previously he had told me not to talk to him and i did again anyways. he must of decided he needed revenge and as he was in the same city his ex was, as he was there for work, he called a few mutual friends from there and asked if they had her number and he called her and they started talkin again. like the previous times he talked to her we had a huge arguement and he convinced me that they didnt meet up but now i am not so sure.


i say that because when he got back, she again tried to contact him and i again txted her and she told me....

"Richard said that your baby isnt even his and that he doesnt even want it and that he still loves me and wants to come back to [city in question] to be with me". :eek:

i didnt know what to say. well it went back and forth, me and DP's ex fighting...me telling her to get a life and why cant she go get her own man etc and she telling me she doesnt want him anyways etc...

then she goes txting DP "why dont u get your woman off my back, she keeps trying to say i said all these things about u and i didnt...." she also said to him she didnt even know he had a woman (as in didnt know we had been together at all) and that i was pregnant and he had a baby now. blah, blah, blah all these lies just came out of her mouth. she said all these horrible nasty things to me then (DP even read the txt messages) and tried to tell DP i was the one that was lying!

then when it had all died down i logged on to DP's MSN. i waited to see if she would write to him. of course she did and i pretended i was him. she acted like nothing had even happened and said hello and was trying to be all nice.

but then she started.... "why did your woman tell lies about me?" I didnt even say those things".....etc

then this is where it gets really interesting. i tell her (as DP) that my gf (me) was telling the truth i saw the messages etc...

he told me before he never seen her when he went to her city right? she said on msn "then y did u tell her u havent seen me in 5 years, u make me look like the liar"

then later... me as DP when she tries to say hello on msn again i tell her to f*** off, she says "whats yr go". i said "whats yrs? talkin sh** to kristie last time" then i reminded her (about what she told me on the text msg about that DP said he loved her etc and when i asked her why she wrote it she said (and keep in mind she thinks she is talkin to DP still) "dont know, you said it. it was all true, u know that" she also went on to say that DP went and seen her when he was in her city for work and that he seen her mum and dad and her little girl (she has a 2 or 3 year old daughter to some dropkick, not DP) at her house coz he went there and she said that DP told her that i was having a baby to someone else and i wanted DP to be the father. she said he didnt tell her that i was with him and that i had a baby on the way. :eek:

she then said that he got her number off her dad coz he dropped in to her house to see her and her little girl and she wasnt there so thats how he got her number. she even knew that he went there in his dads white work ute (but dont all tradesmen have white work utes...i dunno) and that he said he wanted to go there and meet her little girl. she said he should get me to ask his dad (he works with his dad and he was in her city with his dad for work) if he went anywhere with the ute while they were there for work.

then thats when she went.

i confronted DP about it and he told me she was making it all up and i should believe him not her coz she is a nobody and i am his girlfriend :ecomcity: so i did (yes, stupid me) and it was all forgotten about.

until today....

while i was on the msn before with DP's ex, the ex's little sister came online and tried to talk while the ex went out for a smoke. she knows DP too and so for some reason she saved DP's email address onto her own msn. so today she came online and started to talk to me (as DP)..

she basically said the same thing that his ex did. first she asked is he with me still then she was saying how she read his txt messages and my txt messages we sent to DP's ex and when i told her some of the stuff that i found to be untrue was lies thats when she started up. she was very nasty to me (still she thinks she is talkin to DP) and swore alot at me, mind you she is really young, 16 or 17 i think and is quite immature.

she said that DP visited them when he was in their city and that he went there to meet the ex's little girl. that he is the one that used to love her sister and that he told her that when he was with me. then she was going on how DP was nasty to her sister and that he made her out to be a liar and that when he used to go to their place he used to be nice to her and that DP was nice to his ex's little girl. that he loved his ex's little girl like a daughter, ur a good dad n ex's little girl will never get anyone like that coz the little girls father A****is a f***wit and doesnt give a s*** the ex and thier daughter.

but as she is young and immature she went on and on saying she hated DP and that she hopes we all have a car accident and die, that our son is ugly and she hopes he cries himself to death, hope he turns into a druggie. tellin DP to go kill himself and that i am a b***h and a s***t and that i am probably sleeping around on him...etc

then she says something about "well you must have been talkin to c***** behind your gf's back coz 1 month after u came here yr gf had your son.

this is really long i am so sorry but i havent told DP about his and i know he will be mad coz i was the one that made contact this time after he told me to leave the ex alone but now i wonder what really went on with them two when they were talkin and if they really did meet up when he was there. and if he gets mad at me will it be coz i started this again or coz he wants to turn it around on me because he has something to hide. i feel really depressed and dont want to bring it up with DP just yet because he has gone away for work again (not where the ex lives this time) and dont want to argue on the phone where he can just hang up on me and not answer my phone calls/txts.

if you have made it this far to read m whole story, what do i do? who should i believe? the man who i am supposed to love and trust or some girl i dont know who seems like she just wants to cause trouble.

[BlueGin]

Hey Sw33tness, :hugs: darl, this sucks for you!
I obviously wouldn't know whether your DP is being honest with you or not, but you obviously love him a whole heap!
When DP and I were first together, for around the first year, there were a LOT of exs calling him, texting him, on MSN and all that stuff. I thought he must be encouraging them, and used to get really jealous. I was wondering how long you guys have been together in a commited relationship?
I ask because I found that when we were first together, he had been single before that for a long time, and it really did take him a while to learn to relate to girls from his past in a new way. (ie. he really didn't know when he was flirting or not, as he was used to talking to girls in this way).
In the end I realised that I seemed to be always upset, but he still came home to me every night, so I decided to chill on the whole thing.
In our case it was the best decision ever, now, after nearly 5 years together, we look back and laugh (I laugh at him for being a tool :laughing: and he gets a bit :o about how he acted).

Anyway, each situation is unique, and only you know how you guys are together, so just know that you are not alone!

At the end of the day, you do have a beautiful little boy together, which irrespective of whatever else is happening you can congratulate each other on every day.

If you were after tangible advice, well here goes (feel free to take offense, as I might have you and DP all wrong): I would tell him that although he feels you are over reacting, you want him to remember that it is because you love him and the thought of some sl*t chasing him around makes you sick. Hopefully this will convince him that the pain this causes you is enough to tell this girl firmly that this really is the end of their communication.

Oh, and I wouldn't log on to MSN again, I know I only ever caused myself heartache with stuff like that, and things really can get blown out of proportion when you're feeling blue.

XXXXXXX Look after yourself matey XXXXXXXX

[nemosmum]

Its very messy huh:thumbsdown:

This is for you:hugs: and I will pm you as what I have to say is long and not really for the open forum lol:o :D

Stay strong and dont forget to be the amazing women you are!!!

[Baby Girl]

I think it says it all in your signature.

Your DP is 21 - he is young and still stupid (sorry). He probably thinks its great that 2 girls are fighting over him/because of him. It is time someone gave him a good swift kick up the bum and reminded him of his ADULT responsibilities. As for the ex - ignore her, it won't be any fun for her when you stop worrying about the things she is saying.

It is a situation that sounds like it is cloaked in immaturity and maybe you need to be the mature one and either TALK it out or put it behind you, ignore her and move on.

You are the only one who knows whether your DP is trustworthy or not.

:hugs:

[nemosmum]

I agree with what you saying schmell but lets face it men can be stupid pigs at any age

:rolleyes: :yes: ;) :p

[bronny-jane]

i think you have to go with your instincts in this case and prepare your self for the outcome good or bad.

they sound like b!tches, but that doesnt mean that they are lying,

i hope you get it sorted, and that YOU come out the winner.

[PhAnToM]

I have a different take on this situation.:detective:
Obviously I have no clue who is telling the truth and let's face it, will we ever know?

BUT... sounds to me like you DP and the ex (and the sis- if it REALLY was her and not the ex playing the part of the sis on MSN.... confused yet??? :confused: ) know each other very well... and have obviously spoken on MSN before.. probably MANY times for who knows what lengths of time.

I know when someone I am chatting to on MSN is NOT really who they claim to be. See where I'm going with this? ;)

Perhaps DP has a way of greeting her or says something in particular or she just knows him so well, that she can tell from the style of talk (good or bad or neutral)... and you don't know this and hence the ex twigged to the person on MSN not being DP, but YOU!!!
She played you the entire time.
Then knowing she was getting your goat, she decided to play it up a little more and gave the "i'm going away for a smoke now..." line, to make it easy for her to assume the second person who will "back up" her story and do your head in.

Here's my advice... sit and talk calmly to your DP.
Explain that you know that you spoke to your friend and you understand that he feels very strongly about it and didn't do it to upset him. Tell him that you will delete any sign of this friend of yours... phone number, msn etc... and would REALLY appreciate it if he would do the same with his ex (don't make it like blackmail.. i will IF you will.. but more a I'm willing to do this for you.. and i'd appreciate it if you would do the same.)

Then concentrate on putting all of your energy and time (and i mean his too) into raising your little man together in a more secure and comfortable environment. HE will be picking up your stress and concern. And I will not for a minute suggest that you are not right to be concerned, but sometimes you have to weigh up if it's worth dwelling on what was done and was it done, rather than dealing with it once and for all.

I'm with schmell... don't bother making any contact.
Good Luck.
And i'd love to hear how you go... whether it be through this thread or PM.

[mum33]

first of all i want to say thanks to all of you for actually taking the time to read it. i know it was long. even if no-one replied, i felt i had to get it out because i needed to vent and since i dont have friends, i dont have anyone to assess the situation from an outsiders point of view.

thanks for all your advice. it really helps give me another perspective on things as thats what i was looking for. you all have different points of view on it and in some ways you are all right. i have thought the same things myself.

i trust him in the way that nothing is going on between them. i know DP wouldnt do that to me. if he wanted to be with her he would and he would leave me and we wouldnt be together. simple as that. besides, they were only together for a short while and that was long ago. we've been together for 2 1/2 years. we have a baby together, he is not goin to leave me and our son, our family for some silly little girl he knew in the past who he doesnt even really know anymore.

however, i am starting to believe again after this last msn conversation with the ex's sister last night that maybe he just did go there after all and is covering up the truth because maybe he doesnt want to hurt me and tell me he did go there and maybe he feels stupid coz if he did go there he knows he shouldnt have.

the only reason i feel that he may really have gone there is because of the ute comment, would it really be that easy to guess that because he is a tradesman that he would be driving a white work ute?

but then on the other hand i think the same way as Lut. maybe she knows its not DP on msn and she knows its me so she talks sh*t to me to stir me up. but then i think why does she bother? is she that bored/stupid to keep up with this just to stir me up? is it really worth all this trouble to her unless there really is something going on? but even if she is just talkin sh*t, i always come back to the ute comment. how did she know it was a ute that he had been driving? how did she know it was white?

DP also told me this, that she probably knows its me and thats why she is doing this. but then i get really mad at DP because its him who started all this. i mean she is to blame also but if he didnt keep talkin to her everytime she called up then only told her to f**k off just because i told him to then she wouldnt get this idea that maybe he is still into her and she wouldnt be harassing us all the time.

coz thats what i think, she still has a thing for him and is jealous that he is with me. more so because the father of her baby isnt around as he is a total dropkick and she knows how good of a father DP is to DS. coz in one of their conversations apparently DP was braggin to her how great his life is now and how happy he is as a father and being with me and how he's moved out of home and he has a job etc. she still lives at home with her parents so they can help her raise her daughter so i dunno maybe she is resentful of what DP has accomplished since being with her.

as you can probably tell i am very confused in all this. i thought i knew DP better than this. and i thought he thought of me better than this.

ignoring her from now on is probably a good idea. i was doing that but she keeps sending him invitations to his email from sites like ringo and webmate (there are sites like xanga and myspace) so she can add him as a friend on her page. to me thats another way to get into contact with him because she thinks i wont intercept his emails and that way maybe they can get to talkin again.

i dunno whether to trust DP or not. because the fact that he talks to her again and again although he knows i dont like it but he does it again anyway. he is sending her the wrong signals.

well this is gettin too long also. thanks so much for your :hugs: and kind words, advice and PM's. u dont know how much it means to me that someone cares enough to try and help me work things out and that i get so much support from people here when i dont have it in RL. sure there is mum but u know what mothers are like, she would just tell me to leave him but i believe our relationship is worth saving and giving another go. but again thanks.

i will wait and see what happens when DP gets home on wednesday. i will let u know how it goes.

:fingerscrossed:

[PhAnToM]

sorry... does this mean DP is still away? or is this a different trip?

and the white ute... it is a standard for most companies for 1. You're right, it would be a pretty safe stab in the dark on her part.
How long has he had the ute anyway? maybe he mentioned the ute at some point when talking to her and that's why ex and sis are making such a song and dance about the ute. Hardly like it's a ferrari and need to make a point about it. I think the ute thing is mentioned for your benefit frankly.

Take care and let it go unless you have evidence. The bored ****'s words wouldn't be enough for me. You did say that she and sis were immature.

:wave:

oh.. and as for the support.. you're welcome and anytime! :hugs:

[mum33]

sorry... does this mean DP is still away? or is this a different trip?

and the white ute... it is a standard for most companies for 1. You're right, it would be a pretty safe stab in the dark on her part.
How long has he had the ute anyway? maybe he mentioned the ute at some point when talking to her and that's why ex and sis are making such a song and dance about the ute. Hardly like it's a ferrari and need to make a point about it. I think the ute thing is mentioned for your benefit frankly.

Take care and let it go unless you have evidence. The bored ****'s words wouldn't be enough for me. You did say that she and sis were immature.

:wave:

oh.. and as for the support.. you're welcome and anytime! :hugs:


no this is a different trip. am i allowed to name the places where? i probably shouldnt say because i dont want to get myself into trouble.

anyways, where she was he was working ther for about 3 or 4 weeks. the work ute is his dads but if he did indeed go to her house, he would of had to drive his dad ute over there. its not a company ute, its his dads. so thats why i worry why she knew how to pick it out coz its a bit older model maybe a 2000?

yes he is away again but this time to another place. the thing with the work ute. i could probably ask his dad did he go anywhere in it for more time that it takes to go to the shop or to the TAB (DP and FIL like to go to the TAB occasionally) but then i dont want to get them involved. i hate FIL in law as it is, i dont want him to know our business.

oh geez. this is really doing my head in. i gotta leave this alone... :(

[Mummabear]

I don't really know what advice to offer. It's a tricky situation to be in.

Can I ask why you thought it was okay for you to contact your MSN buddy that your DP had previously asked you to cut all ties with, yet you get mad at him for contacting his ex? I'm not saying one is worse or better than the other, but my point is that you were probably doing it because you knew honestly that there was nothing going on between you and your MSN buddy and couldn't see the harm in having a chat. Perhaps it's the same for him. Why would it be so bad if he is friends with his ex? Why can't he stop by and say hello when he's in the same city? I think your biggest problem is insecurity. You're the mother of his child and his partner in life. Have a little faith in him and your relationship. My DH was married previously and still maintains a friendship with his ex even though there are no children. I'm fine with this because I know he loves me. He will always have a soft spot for her because she was his childhood sweetheart and to be perfectly honest I'd be a little disturbed if he had a hatred for someone that he had once proclaimed to love so deeply. That being said they don't catch up all the time, they talk on the phone occasionally and we sometimes stop by her mother's house and say hello because she adores DH and dotes on our DS. She's a lovely woman.

I think there is maturity lacking from everyone in your situation, sorry, but that's just how I read it. Someone can't make you jealous and upset unless you give them that power. Be confident in who you are and in the choice you have made in regards to who you chose to father your children and spend your life with. If he says you can trust him then trust him - if he does something to prove otherwise then talk to him about it, but going behind his back and provoking and prolonging the whole situation isn't helping anyone.

[mum33]

mummabear~i can see how you would get that from my post, me being insecure. and you are right, i am insecure but that isnt the issue at hand. his and her relationship although "supposedly" just friends, is in my opinion inappropriate. from his side it is innocent, from her side she has ulterior motives.

when DP and her were together it was a very short union. about 1 month, 2 at the most. it wasnt even a a serious relationship. apparently he was her first love but she didnt mean that much to DP.

i know it wasnt right that i contacted the guy that i was talkin to that DP didnt like. well actually he contacted me first but i responded so still my fault. i dont know why, i was lonely and at the time i wasnt on bubhub as yet, i had no-one to talk to as DP was away and this guy i could talk about anything and he was very supportive when i was feeling down. but i think DP would have contacted her regardless of what i would have done, as he had done so many times before everytime she contacted him. he contacted her once out of spite because i responded to the my guy friend that contacted me.

no i dont see any harm in me and my guy friend having a chat because we are online friends only, we met once in person (at a car meet with other car enthusiasts coz thats how i met him, through a car club forum and all we ever talk about is what we are doing with our lives or cars).

DP and his ex had a relationship previous to me and him. they liked each other enough that they were together for a short while and shared an intimate relationship once, she still have feelings for him i think and both he and her have told me that DP was her first love. everytime she calls him in the 2 1/2 years we have been together she always asks is DP still with me as if she expected us to have been broken up so she can make her move on him. when they talk to each other its reminissing about the when they used to be together, what it was like when he used to go to school with her and when he used to live there. to me thats inappropriate.

when her intentions are different to him then no i dont think they can mantain a friendship because i think she wants more than that. he doesnt feel the same way about her as far as i know.

when my ex contacted me after DP and i had been together for about 3 months he went ballistic when he found out i replied his messages. all the messages from my ex were....hey how are you.....what you up to these days.... wondering if you were ok coz i know you had depression and stuff.... just that kinda thing. he was genuinely concerned about me not after anything u know and he knew i was ok and i was happy and not as depressed anymore coz i was with DP. but that wasnt good enough, as far as DP saw it i wasnt to have anything to do with him, oh but its alright now that his ex tries to contact him all the time. :rolleyes:

i know you think i am also immature for continuing on with this and you maybe right. however i would rather get to the bottom of this and find out the truth rather than ignore it and hope for the best. i do trust him but only on some levels.

i dunno, there have been other things not involving an ex but things that he knows he is not to do and he has broken his trust there. one of which i found out today (although he doesnt know i know) so i think maybe he would like to me to do what he wants and to also prtect my feelings...

i dunno. i cant do much til DP comes home on wednesday anywyas.:mad: :banghead:

[brooke]

hmmmm....
this is a hard one... she might know its you on msn but she may also be telling the truth..

I would sit down with dp and ask the truth.. if he is telling the truth the he should be able to look you in the eye with out getting defensive...

Please let us know how you go!

[Kells]

Kristie - First of all, what an awful situation to be in! :hugs:

Please know that I am not trying to offend you in anyway, and I'm sure Mummabear wasnt either, but I agree with what she said. :yes:

I think it's pretty obvious you dont trust him, otherwise you wouldn't be sneaking around logging on as him or reading his emails etc. And only you can decide if you can stay in a relationship without trust, or whether it is time to move on and get over this ex thing and concentrate on what YOU have, which is him. :yelclap:

As hard as it will be, stop trying to track down this girl or the contact she is trying to have with him - you are only making yourself look bad, and making your DP not trust you....I know if I felt like my DH was "checking up" on me constantly it would drive me away from him - ESPECIALLY if I wasn't actually doing anything but having a conversation with someone from my past, who meant nothing to me anymore anyway.

Anyway, I'm starting to ramble..sorry...

Just try your very best to love what you have with your DP and DS and concentrate on your family and all will be ok:thumbsup: She is not worth the time or energy you are spending on hating her... Good Luck!!!!

[Briswegian]

I've been in a similar situation and the last time we heard from DH's ex was about a year ago and only because she no longer know's where we are. After about a year or so of us being together I put my foot down but at the same time that I made it VERY clear that she wouldn't be tolerated I put a LOT of work into our relationship and making HIM feel happy secure and loved. He quickly forgot about her and subsequently thinks that I'm the best chick ever.
You've got to find a way to trust him and move on from this. Don't go on msn and invite her into your lives or else she'll still feel as though she can stake some sort of claim. Take the high road, you'll feel happier and stronger for it.
:hugs:

[mum33]

i've been takin some time to take in all of your advice. i appreciate all of your comments. thanks for the :hugs: and well wishes. for now i am tryin not to get myself too worked up about it and trying to think about what is the best course of action to take. whatever i decide to do i cant do til DP comes home on wednesday. coz i wont get nowhere on the phone. hopefully its a good outcome :fingerscrossed: . i will let u all know how it goes whenever i decide to discuss it with him. :)

[Mummabear]

Kristie, Kells is right, I certainly wasn't trying to offend you :no:, just trying to offer a different point of view that you perhaps hadn't considered.

I understand that not everyone is as secure as I am, I just wish I could send you some via the internet :laughing:. If you can't trust and believe in DP then at the very least trust yourself and your instincts.

I also wasn't trying to make judgement or make you feel bad about your msn buddy, I was moreso trying to make the point that men are not very perceptive creatures at the best of times :rolleyes:. Us women have a sixth sense when it comes to other women around our men, but men are mostly clueless. You were chatting to your msn buddy because you knew that it was harmless and you knew that he had no other motives, your DP has already said that he's not interested in his ex in 'that' way and so he is probably totally blind as to what she is trying to do and he just thought that he was being nice and having a nice 'platonic' chat. Men aren't real smart when it comes to women - they pretty much need to be slapped over the head with it several times before it will sink in. He was probably thinking the chats were harmless even though his ex wasn't.

Sorry for rambling - I can just never seem to get things out properly on here, I always either end up offending or sounding like a looney!

If I were in your shoes I would:
1. sit down with him and be blunt and to the point, men don't understand 'hints'
2. take her number out of your phone and don't ever contact her again - it's just inviting trouble
3. TELL him to delete her number and her msn and block all her stuff, etc and like someone else suggested perhaps even change your phone numbers, etc. Do whatever it takes to remove all forms of communication.
4. work on doing things to build the trust back into your relationship.
5. concentrate on your wonderful little family and don't worry about boozehags from the past, eventually she'll find someone else to stalk and she'll become some other poor girls problem :yes:

[SassyMummy]

Wow...what a long post! lol.

I hope I don't offend you with my reply...but you might not like what I've got to say...:fingerscrossed: you won't be offended.

I think the biggest problem you have here, is not who is seeing who behind each others back...it's that you've both BANNED certain people from each others lives.

From what I can tell, you have "banned" this girl from your DP's life because you don't want her to try to get back together with him. So, instead of risking her try to weasle her way back into his life (or pants...? I dunno), you've removed the temptation by banning him from seeing her. While, in the short-term it may work (as in, he won't see her), in long-term there will always BE other temptations out there. By removing this girl from his life, it doesn't mean that the possibility of him cheating is gone...

When you tell someone that they cannot do something, they'll generally want it even more. Not necessarily because tehy WANT it, but because you've forbidden then from making that decision for themself. I think you may have done the same thing in this instance...you've told this girl that not only can she not have your DP, but she cannot even SEE him at all...hence making her want to see him more than she would have if you had just let her do it. You've also done the same to him - he may want to see her just because you said he couldn't.

I hope that makes sense.

He, too, shouldn't be telling you who you can, and cannot, see. IMO, that's not part of a mature, adult relationship.

Mature adults are not perfect...the MAY get jealous (and quite often), but they realise that their jealousy is generally something in their own minds...not because their partner is untrustworthy. Therefore, a jealous mature adult just sucks it up and does the best they can at controlling their emotions. They don't ban certain "threats" from their partners' lives...because if their partner is going to cheat, they'll do it whether or not they're allowed to see that specific person.

I think that your partner may resent you for telling him what to do - I don't think it's right to expect that your partner severe all ties with his past relationships. If he's the man you want to be with, then he'll also be the man that doesn't stray...