Repairing Relationships with MIL

[cupcakemafia]

Hi everyone, I thought it was time to share my story and ask your advice, because I'm not sure where to go from here.

(This may be long, bear with me)

When my husband and I first met he gave me a warning - "My mum is pretty crazy with my girlfriends, just don't let her fool you. She'd fight with herself if no one else will.". This warning was backed up by some of this closest friends - mutual friends of ours - "He's right. She can be pretty..uhh...crazy sometimes!" Me, every the optimistic, the girl who had been brought up around an older family with adult friends all of her life, the girl who had never made an enemy (that I knew of), replied "Oh don't worry, I'm sure you're overreacting. I'm sure shes lovely."

She was lovely... right up until the day my husband rang her and announced that he'd asked me to marry him and I'd said yes. Like a werewolf on a full moon, she went from Normal Human Being to Snarling Monster. It wasn't outright contempt she showed me, it was those poisonous barbs made to my husband and the rest of his family behind my back. It was those whithering looks she gave me when I didn't have dinner ready on time one night of the week for my husband when he came home from work (despite knowing that I also worked full time and came home wanting to pass out on the couch with hot chips and gravy). Nothing outright nasty, just "intentionally-placed quips" about me, my family, my lifestyle, my looks - basically anything that she could find.

My husband supported me through this, always stood up for me, and I'm pretty laid-back so I really didnt worry about it too much. Even when we visited her place one day and she showed me her living room - which was adorned with the prom photos of my husband and his ex-girlfriend, and even just photos of his ex-girlfriend by herself, accompanied by "She was such a beautiful, kind girl" (I know she was/is, we went to school together) - I blamed it on the "Mummys Little Boy Has All Grown Up Syndrome". So she soon realised she wasnt getting the desired effect. So she started ringing every night, and I mean every night, harassing my husband about his life, about our life together and the future (apparently we didnt have one).

That wasnt enough. She soon started to ring MY parents and ask them about me and my teenage years growing up (I was a bit of a sh*t when I was a teen, but my family and I have reconciled and we are extremely close now). My parents didnt take the bait, they just humoured her. So she started to bi*ch about my family to her family - not that my family has anything to ***** about, we all get along, we never fight or have any silly dramas - one time she bi*ched to her family that my mother had invited her and her husband over for dinner "just to show off all their fancy things". Get over yourself - my parents have fancy things because they worked damn hard all their lives and now spend their retirement in comfortable surroundings. They bloody well deserve it.

This approach started to grate at me from the inside, because I'm quite protective of my family and friends and dont put up with someone intentionally bad-mouthing them. So occassionally I slipped and started to give a little back to her when she tried it on me. This sparked her interest then!!

The clincher was our wedding. My husband and I made a list of people we'd like out our wedding and sent it to our parents to look over and add to if they wished. My MIL sent the list back with another 10 people, her friends and people that my husband had never met. When my husband politely told her that he didnt want people there that he didnt know (it was meant to be a small affair) she exploded and refused to come/threatened to withdraw all support/told her family that they should all "boycott" the wedding (whatever threat she felt like making that week). So we relented and invited all the people she had written on the list, just to make her happy. Only one person actually turned up - the rest said they werent comfortable coming to a wedding of someone they didnt know (well duh).

When my parents told me that, as a wedding gift to us, they would pay for the reception, MIL immediately stood in and said "No no no, we'll go halves with you guys". So as my parents started to budget and put money away each week to pay for it, when it came to a WEEK before the wedding MIL claimed amnesia and said "I never EVER said I'd pay for half" and left my parents with a $5000 credit card bill they could really do without.

AT the wedding was even better. Her family all stood in the corner and sulked the entire reception, didnt talk to anyone outside their circle and wouldnt dance. When it came for my brother (who is openly gay) and his partner to hit the dance floor with the rest of us, her entire family loudly made jokes and sneered and said how disgusting it was that two men dance together. MIL then went around to the waiters (it was a cocktail party with nibblies on platters) and told them to send four whole platters to their "section" of the venue, and preceeded to eat the food that should have fed around 20 people. When someone from my family said "gee the foods a little scarce at the moment" MIL quipped "If it was a wedding organised by MY family there would have definatley been enough food for everyone".

Ok... I guess you get the idea. It was hell. Theres so much more I could write about that she's done, but I'd use up all of BubHubs bandwidth :)

I will say one thing though - she rang me once when I was 30-something weeks pregnant with our first child and told me that she hopes our child will "grow up to be as disgraceful and horrible and selfish as you and my son are".

Now the questions for everyone are...

Am I silly to try and repair this relationship so my baby girl can know her grandmother?

Should I ever trust my MIL to be with my daughter, or will she just fill HER mind with poisonous gossip and snide remarks?

SORRY for the huge post - I just really need some help with this.

[mum33]

i feel for you. i thought my mil is bad but yours...oh my goodness...

there are some traits you listed that are in my MIL so i can relate somewhat.

i dont think she will ever change. it think u could try and repair the relationship from your side but its not likely to happen from her side.

and if i were you i would be very careful about leaving your DD alone with her.

[Maghan]

Now the questions for everyone are...

Am I silly to try and repair this relationship so my baby girl can know her grandmother?

Should I ever trust my MIL to be with my daughter, or will she just fill HER mind with poisonous gossip and snide remarks?

SORRY for the huge post - I just really need some help with this.

Yes you are silly to try and repair what was not there in the first place. I and my DH too once had the silly notion that rifts like this can be repaired. They can't when it's one sided. Don't put your daughter through a lifetime of disrespect from this woman.

Neither of us have spoken to MIL for nearly two years and we have a lot less stress in our lives and our relationship!

[cupcakemafia]

There are a few reasons why I was thinking about trying to repair this relationship:

1. My husband, although he doesnt admit it easily, wants a mum. He's very close with my mum, and sometimes I get the idea that he's even almost jealous of because hes never had that sort of closeness from either of parents

2. I'm afraid my daughter will grow up and ask "why dont we see daddy's mum and daddy's family" and I dont want her to think its OK to hold grudges with people.

[mum33]

There are a few reasons why I was thinking about trying to repair this relationship:

1. My husband, although he doesnt admit it easily, wants a mum. He's very close with my mum, and sometimes I get the idea that he's even almost jealous of because hes never had that sort of closeness from either of parents

2. I'm afraid my daughter will grow up and ask "why dont we see daddy's mum and daddy's family" and I dont want her to think its OK to hold grudges with people.


well like i said, you could try and make things better with MIL but whether she will do the same is another thing.

when your daughter is old enough to understand and if your daughter asks those kind of questions i think you just have to be honest with her i think. but i could be wrong.

thats just my opinion.

[Mamaduke]

You're my new best friend...:D

I've not long ago tried to 'bury the hatchet' with my 'smother in law' after we'd had no contact for 3 months...
I had to sit through a 15 minute lecture on why she was right, why I was wrong, why her and her husband have serious concerns about the way my 'type of personality' is having adverse affects on my children blah blah blah blah!!!
Run for the hills lovey...grandchildren don't seem to make an iota of difference to how these types of women act towards their daughter in laws or the terrorism they inflict on marriages.
We're seen as the enemy plain and simple.
My 'smother in law' even faked a 40 degree temperature when I was in labour with Jesse and tried to take DH home with her - "there's nothing you can do here" were her exact words!!!
The nurses in 'Special Care' got wind of this 'illness' (from a little birdie known as my Dad!) and she wasn't allowed to go in to see Jesse...that didn't seem to bother her too much - she wanted her little boy and was stopping at nothing to get him.

[Maghan]

Ahh yes, I always like the lecture on "how you've wrecked my son's life"... that's one of my favourites. I also like the one about "you have a sharp-quick-witted-tongue" and my personal favourite is the "you're not a real mother, you had a caesarian"...

Do what Mamaduke said, RUN!!!!!!!!

Our kids honestly don't ask about her, nor care that they don't see her.

[cupcakemafia]

Thanks for the advice girls, I really appreciate it. :hugs:

There is one thing that still bothers me though (well the whole thing bothers me, but this especially) is the issue I mentioned about my husband not having a relationship with his mum. Sometimes I think he still wants a relationship with her but I think hes kind of torn between loyalty to me and his family. I feel guilty about this because her issues are with me, so I'm responsible...

[brooke]

You arent even close to being responsiable for what she has done to her own family!

all i can say is OMG you have done better than I would of... I cant believe how rude some MIL can be!

Have you spoken to DH about it? How does he feel?
I personally wouldnt leave DD with her alone... EVER!

Big hugs! :hugs:

[mum2bubba]

I'm sorry, but if I had a MIL like that (and I actually DO have a crazy-nut SIL, just read my post "vent about SIL") I wouldn't even think about cutting all ties with her i'd just do it no ifs, buts or maybes , what a *****! :mad: I would be too scared to let my children go near her in case she brain washes them or something, you could TRY and reconcile with her but I really don't think it'd be worth it, I mean, if it were me I'd rather have my children (and my self and DP) happy and healthy then be around someone like that, she sounds like an ungreatful discrase of a human being and thats putting it nicely. :yes:

[Tam-I-Am]

Oh, this is an awful situation for you and your family, BUT I think the others are right:

1) Your DH WARNED you before he'd even taken you home that his mother was a psycho - he was well-aware of her capabilities and he has, by your report, stood up for you through all her silliness.

2) This woman is toxic. In every way, shape and form. She has actively tried to break you and DH up, she has actively tried to find something ANYTHING that will hurt you

3) Your life is more peaceful now. That will change if you let her back in - Do you think that she won't try to use your daughter against you in the future.

Sweetie, my FIL was exactly like this woman - he tried, right up until the day that he died, to break DH and I up. He told me that by the time my children were 3 years old, they would know what a b!tch their mother was. He.....There's more, but I'm over it, don't have to deal with it anymore, and this thread isn't about me. The point is - he never stopped, and he never changed. And if you gave and inch, he took 10,000 miles. There is no excuse for your MIL's behaviour, and your DH is obviously accepting of the current situation - he's and adult. Let him make his own choices about his own happiness. This situation might be different if your DH was expressing a desire to see his Mother again - but this is not the case.

Enjoy the peace. Put the witch out of your mind. Don't let her ruin another moment of your life.

[mummajuice]

Trust me you are doing the right thing - be strong and stand by your intuition!!

I was in the unfortunate position as a child of having a grandmother that despised my father and as I was so much like him, she despised me openly too. My older sister came along fairly soon after my parent's marriage and that seemed to "calm the beast" for a while as my mum basically stood back and did everthing that her mother told her and let her bag out my dad.

When I came along 3 years later my father had grown tired of his monster-in-law and put his foot down. She reacted to this by basically disowning me and blatantly favouring my sister. Try explaining that "nanny doesn't hate you" to a devistated 6 year old who was "never any good". Every picture I have of my childhood shows my nan scowling if she had to have a picture with my but full of love and cuddles with my sister. The final straw was when I was ten and she took my sister and I around her house pointing out to my sister everything that she would inherit when her time came. When I asked "what about me nan, what do I get?" her answer, which is true to this day was "don't you be so rude you obnoxious child!".

I can honestly say that I never had a relationship with my grandmother and even now she still refers to me as the black sheep through no wrongdoing of my own.

For your children's sakes you are better off waiting for her to eat humble pie and make sure you monitor her interaction with them as for years I grew up thinking I was no good and had no worth.

PS: I admire your willingness to forgive her and appreciate your dilemma!!:hugs:

[xkwzit]

Hiya LadyL

Please don't feel guilty about this: you really have the following a bit wrong:

Sometimes I think he still wants a relationship with her but I think hes kind of torn between loyalty to me and his family. I feel guilty about this because her issues are with me, so I'm responsible...

Her issues aren't with you, they would be the same for any woman who married her son. So it isn't your fault, the blame lies with her. The reason your DH can't have a relationship with his mother is that she has chosen to make it impossible for him to have a relationship with a wife and still have the relationship with his mother.

Best of Luck

[diamonds22]

Am I silly to try and repair this relationship so my baby girl can know her grandmother? yes!!! (lol..what are you thinking...this woman is a crazy cow!)

Should I ever trust my MIL to be with my daughter, or will she just fill HER mind with poisonous gossip and snide remarks? imo, unfortunately I think she would...she's shown how rude she can be..it wasnt just directed at you..but all of your family had to put up with her comments/deceitful behaviour too...I wouldn’t trust her anywhere near my dd, (for principals sake as well)

sorry. :hugs:

[newmum2one]

OMG I'd go crazy if I were you! (Well crazier LOL).

My MIL recently stayed for 2 weeks (tiny apartment) - I was dreading it but hoping we'd come out the other end ok. Well she didn't want to do anything, go anywhere etc, wouldn't change, bath etc DS (would feed him but that's all). Then came out at the end of her stay and said to DH "I can't wait to get home and start getting out and about again". I can't help it if she spent 2 weeks on my lounge! I couldn't very well take her out if she didn't want to go (she'd make the day miserable) and I didn't know what else to do with her so I just did my housework and my scrapbooking. By the middle of the second week we were ignoring each other and since then I have on occasion unplugged the phone if I think she's going to call! She and my DH spent hours chatting and watching "their" tv programs (they lived alone for years before I came onto the scene) when he was not at work - when I was in the room the topic would change mysteriously. She treats DH like he is 10y.o. and me like I'm incapable of doing anything properly. I have told her I'm not doing things her way and to stop treating DH like she does but to no avail.

Must be hereditary as my mother and her MIL have a similar relationship...

Sorry to get on my own tangent, the crux of it is, I hear you and can sympathise. Just be civil and don't put too much effort into mending a fence that doesn't exist.

Lauren

[newmum2one]

About contact with your MIL filling your little girl's head with poison...

My grandmother is very similar to your MIL - she got my sisters and I onside at different times, telling us lies and exaggerations about my mother. Luckily I confided in my mother and learnt the truth but one of my sisters still believes the lies much to my mother's dismay. My youngest sister is being protected as much as possible now from the lies. I no longer speak to my grandmother, so your little girl will possibly learn for herself about her grandmother's nature if given the opportunity. I learned many good and useful things from my grandmother eg cooking, craft, family history etc, but I also learned that a woman will never let go of her baby boy, a lesson reiterated by my own mother in law.

This is the perspective of "the little girl" of a woman with a MIL from hell.

Lauren

[*Chels*]

First of all,I just want to say I love your avatar!!Its gorgeous!!
The other girls have given you some great advice,so i cant really add much.You sound like a really lovely person,and have remained really patient and mature with your smother in law!
I think it would be a bad move to try patch things up just for your daughter and hubbys sake.
Your DD does not need a vicious person like her filling her head with ****,who knows the damage your MIL could cause!
Best of luck with it all.Just remember you are so above her,she sounds like the lowest of the low!!:hugs:

[mrsd]

Gosh, I'm sorry but I must disagree (is this contrariness coming out again ?).

I think that the olive branch should be extended in a careful way, if you offer her the opportunity to see her grandchild and your DH, at the odd social gathering, say. There'd be other people to draw the conversation away from the difficult stuff.

We're all future MIL's to someone and we could start acting pretty weird if we have to share "our" baby with someone else. I hope I'm going to be the perfect MIL, but I've met some really nice women who can't get on with their DIL's - I wonder what turns MIL's into witches.

You're being really mature in considering this, LL. I reckon that life is too short for grudges. If you do your bit, it's up to her to do hers then. If she can't, you've done your best.

My MIL is dead (died youngish). I wish I'd been nicer while she was alive. I won't get any more chances to mend bridges.

[reAllytee]

Im with Mamaduke & Maghan .... RUN RUN RUN !!!!!!
This woman will only make things worse if you allow her take conrol of this situation now not just for yourself & your hubby but for your babies !
I know how you feel in that i too see my DP wanting something from a mother who just has no idea how to give it. My DP took ages to get used to my family gatherings as we always have a laugh get along talk etc whereas his family is just plain awkward & weird. He now loves my family & finally feels he has a family so to speak cause he has interaction etc. My family is far from perfect but when i think about his it certainly looks it !!!!
We have distanced ourselves from my MIL also due to various reasons but i too have the guilt pang every now & then but remind myself i havent done anything for her to be like this. This is her problem not mine & its her thats ruining it all.
Hopefully you find a solution soon :hugs:

[Vespera]

WOW!! I was reading your post thinking how does she know about my MIL??

My DH has always had a prob with his mum she is very selfish and blames everything on everyone else.

The first day I met her she told me all about DH's ex and how it was such a shame that they couldnt work it out (hmmm okay then)

We always made time to see her and travelled to them (she wouldnt come to our house because it was too far - go figure)

But when we told her we werent getting married in a church (neither of us are religious) the S*** hit the fan! Suddenly we were going to hell, we
were evil and she wasnt coming to the wedding.

Things went way down hill from there, she called us to yell at us every week, she threatened to send a letter to my parents (hmmm they will believe what you say about me, and she rang me to tell me things DH did when he was younger.

So far we have been married for 3 months and we havent heard from her in 4 months and everything is going fine!! We are now TTC and if I have it my way she wont see our kids BUT she is DH's mum and I have told him that if he chooses to forgive her then I will support his decision but he needs to think about what is right for him, me and our family.

I know some times it is hard on him as my mum and me have a really good relationship but my mum knows about my MIL so she makes more of an effort to show DH the love.

Good luck and if you want to chat just PM me :)

[Holly_Golightly]

I really feel for you. If it were not for your love for your DH, this situation would be very easy. If this was anyone else we would not tolerate this. It isn't how normal, civilised people interact!

My MIL was never as outrightly vindictive as yours but still offensive in her behaviour. You are not good enough because you are not her. Very simple. You are a threat because she no longer weilds control over your DH. I find my DH still appreciates being babied a little by me and he looks to me for advice (like I do him). Previously it was mother knows best (yeah right). She feels threatened and useless because he no longer needs her. In her ideal world, you would look to her for advice and be putty in her hands, so she could be in control and have her way.

They really can be like another spoilt child. My Dh would very much like us to be one big happy family. He can put her (and the FIL's too) behaviour aside because she is his mum but also understands that what she has done is very hurtful to me. She very rarely comes over and I just act nice as pie when she does (well I try. I have been told I send off a 'vibe' that makes her feel uncomfortable). I no longer visit the in-laws and have this year decided not to even for Christmas. Why inflict that on myself? At first I wanted my DH to follow my lead (which he did until recently when I encouraged him to go. I don't want him to resent me) but now I truly don't care. He visits them (alone) for special occassions and never stays more than an hour. He gets to see his family, I don't have to. They get to see Dh (which is truthfully the only one they truly care about). I get my little dig in and humiliate them by not being there, particularly when other guests are around as they all bring it up and know it is because of the in-laws bad behaviour. Also, my DH realises how annoyed he is that it has to be that way becase of their behaviour. I suppose it could backfire and they could manipulate him, but be confident you have a strong relationship.

I think the stories some of the other ladies have posted regarding their experience as children are really enlightening. So cruel for adults to manipulate children in such a way and a huge eye opener to how wide spread the effects of their behaviour are. Sometimes you are not aware that these little people pick up on the jibes and conversations and overall emotions.

Remember, she is threatened by you because you are such a wonderful, strong woman.

[Pobblebonk]

Hi. Wow, your MIL is pretty bad. I wont go into what my MIL is like (because they could be related) but I understand how you feel and where you're coming from. However, I have both a mil AND a mother who are both as horrendous as each other.

I made a decision prior to DS being born that he had a right to have a relationship with his grandparents. Although my MIL tries to dictate to me when I am to hand over my baby son for the day to her (usually on the one day that DP isn't working and can spend time with his own son), I make the rules, not her and when she doesn't get her own way, she throws a bit tantrum. So far I've allowed her to have contact with our son on a limited scale - as I would probably do in your position as your MIL is just so poisionous.

My own mother hasn't even bothered to contact me after I threw her out of my house after she threw a phone at me with 4 day old son in arms because I had asked her to wash her hands after smoking before touching my son, and of course, she didn't want to.

But - this is how I see the whole MIL having trouble letting go issue: (sorry for such a long reply!):

For so long, they are the #1 woman in their son's lives.
Then boy meets girl, and MIL (should!) shift to #2, behind wife.
Then out pops a baby, and MIL (should!) shift to #3, behind wife and baby. At least, that's how I'm going to teach myself to adjust so that I don't become like the MIL's that some people have. <<< does that all makes sense?!

I'm actually going to try really really hard to be like a best friend to my son's wife - by teaching him how to be a good partner (including letting him know that his place in the house is to HELP OUT WITH CHORES instead of on the couch).

[~V&M~]

OMG I am sitting here crying. First I was thinking... ok so we must have the same MIL..... then I read all the responses which confirm exactly what my thoughts were.

My problem is though, my husband doesn't see how poisonous his mother is. He recognises she can be nasty but when I react to something, he always says I'm over-reacting or I'm being a drama queen versus saying to his mother 'that was uncalled for' or something else in support of me. He's the biggest fence sitter I know but it doesn't feel like he's sitting on the fence to me, it feels like he's taking her side IYKWIM. She makes me feel worthless, degraded, meaningless, unloved and completely unwelcome. It's dehumanising to have someone like that in your life and I resent my husband for never being strong enough to tell her to back off.

We've been married for 4 months and I feel like we need to be in counselling already because of the issues we/I have with her. We've been together for 7 years and I thought there would come a time where she would just accept me and leave us alone but after a wedding and a baby on the way, it doesn't look to be :no: :crying:

Sorry, I didn't mean to hijak your post. I just wanted to sya I'm so surprised how many of us have MILs who make our lives miserable!

[Stretchmark Diva]

Sweetheart, the fact that you worry about whether to give this horrible woman another chance to poison your lives shows what a lovely, kind person you are. However, I believe your forgiveness should only extend to being civil to her at family gatherings.

She is toxic. A grandchild will not bring out her best side. It will make her worse.

I had an "Evil Nanna"who despised my mother (Dad was too browbeaten by her to stand up to her) and had a favourite grandchild she picked over all the others (11 of us in total). She did not enrich my life. She made me cry, often, as a child, as she was rude, nasty and hurtful because I wasn't the favourite one. And although Mum tried really hard not to let it show until we kids were old enough to notice how badly she was treated, I hated her for treating my mother so poorly.

I feel sorry for your DH, but really, there is no "in the middle." He should be on YOUR side, as you are his wife, his family. Once you marry, your family of origin becomes "relatives" and your spouse and children are your family.

Don't try to make bridges with MIL, especially if DH isn't the one who is driving it. Just accept that she is a toxic person who has nothing positive to add to your lives.

[InSaneOne]

all i can say is thank god my mil isn't that bad. i would let your mil see the baby but there is no way in hell iwould let her spend any sort of time with her alone. if your daughter doesn't see or have much contact with you rmil it won't matter too much. i used to see my dad's parents nearly every week growing up and we only saw mums parents once or twice a year.

you know what you have to do - maybe you could write a letter to your mil about what she can do if she wants to see you guys and your children again. tell her if her attitude doesn't change and she grows up the she won't be a part of your lives as you don't want to (or have to) live with that sort of s**t.

see how she likes that.

[talon]

i really feel for you and good on you for even considering trying to make a go of it after all that has happened.

i think it is only natural that your partner wants to try and make a positive go of it with your MIL - they are his family and all that he has known throughout his life.

I do worry though that your MIL will not change regardless and the impact that this could have on your children is an important consideration. Sometimes leaving the link broken between your family and her is the lesser of two evils.

Yes, it is sad that your kids will miss out of what could have been a great relationship with their grandma but it could actually be worse if she is allowed to poison the relationship beyond that of you and your partner to your innocent and highly impressionable children. I say break the cycle now with her. She is a grown woman who obviously has control issues and in my opinion (based on your story) I think that given the opportunity she would use your kids to get back at you. They don't need to manipulated at such a young age.

I say protect YOUR family first. She needs to be a secondary consideration - that is the place she has earnt at the moment through her actions. I just don't think it sounds like she would be willing to change.

With that said, I hope everything works out for you. Family is so important and when there are personalities like this involved it really makes it hard for you. Hugs.