Older Children Taking Care of Younger Ones?

[SassyMummy]

I was just reading a reply to another thread I started about wanting a large age-gap between my children (which I have now decided against...I think I'll have a 4-year gap instead of a 10-year-gap). The reply got me thinking...

Would you expect your older children to help out with the younger ones?

I've seen it happen SO OFTEN (with friends and such)...the older kids become like free babysitters, and like "replacement parents" whenever the parent needs a break. I was just wondering what the opinions on this were...

For me, I think I'd expect my daughter to be a little more self-sufficient when I have a new baby (if I'm carrying the baby, I certainly can't carry her around too!) but I'd never expect her to take care of the baby. If she got a little older and I needed a babysitter, I'd ASK her to do it, but I'd PAY her for it (or provide her with some sort of reward of her choice) and not EXPECT her to (if she didn't want to, then I wouldn't expect her to do it). I'd also not expect her to change the babies nappy or anything else. If she WANTED to, then I may let her (providing she is old/able enough to perform the task) but I wouldn't EXPECT it.

I was on holiday in Perth over Christmas 04 (I was pregnant at the time)...DP and I were staying with DP's sister and nieces, and DP's sisters SIL and kids. There were 4 kids in total (DP's neices, and then 2 boys)...one boy was a 18 month old. His mother didn't tend to look after the kids (I practically NEVER saw her out of her bedroom...she was on chat all day long) and therefore DP's 8-year-old neice did things like, take him to the toilet (he was toilet training so he just ran around with a naked behind all day so nobody had to help with his pants) and give him his bottles.

Anyway, one evening, Ashlea (the 8-year-old) didn't turn the microwave the proper setting when preparing a bottle...so the bottle melted. When the baby boys mother found out, she acted like a crazy person, yelling at Ashlea and blaming her for the melted bottle...telling her to be more responsible. I felt really bad for Ashlea...she wasn't the parent! She was only 8!

So yeah, I'll never EXPECT anything from DD when it comes to taking care of her sibs...she can HELP if she wants, but it'll never be expected of her.

[MrsScatterbrain]

That's a really great attitude. I know of two people who were made to look after younger siblings when they were kids, and they have literally been put off having kids themselves - which is so sad in itself, but also devastating for their partners.

However, that may just be the exception, not the rule!

[the_queen]

I think you're right Stacey.
People are always saying to Vallerie "oh you're going to have to be a big helper girl now! Helping mummy with the baby!!" And I always say "if she wants to, she can!" and I always tell her that she can help me if she wants to, but if she doesn't feel like it then she doesn't have to. Most times she wants to help - but sometimes she doesn't feel like it, so that's fine, I don't make anything of it. I managed to look after her all by myself, I don't need help looking after Curtis, but if Vallerie wants to be a part of caring for him I'm not going to stop her. I don't like it when parents take advantage of an older child by forcing them to look after younger ones. It's fine if the older child wants to help, but it shouldn't be expected or demanded, IMO. :)

[sopolicha]

It is a crock. Your children are exactly that, your children. You look after them all full stop.

I never, ever, ever expected my oldest child to help with my youngest child.

Shame for thinking so.................

[suemp]

dont know if this counts but my brother and i are 5 years apart (him being older) when he was in high school my parents left the 2 of us at home quite often while they worked etc. obviously i did everything myself so he was just there as the older but wiser brother. it actually made us closer. that was ob a few years ago. are there latch key kids anymore?

[MissBrightside]

No I would never expect my eldest to look after the younger ones. I dont think its fair on them they weren't born for our convenience. They should be allowed to have a childhood as the younger one would have.

[kymmy]

I expect my children to contribute...
If my eldest was old enough i wouldn't expect her to babysit
but i would ask!
she actually asks to babysit!
When she is much older then yes

[House full of Princesses]

I agree with you all to a certain extent, it's unfair to expect older kids to look after the younger ones....but I must say, my Miss 7 does a fair bit for Miss almost 3 - but they're all things that they do "TOGETHER". Such as, they have a bath together, and Miss 7 will wash her, and then help her get dressed into her PJ's afterwards. And if they have a drink or a snack, Miss 7 will generally get something for both of them. Just things like that.

But Miss 7 loves responsibilities and loves being 'motherly' - it's not that I've ever TOLD her to do these things for her younger sister, she just does it. It's just the way they are, and they both love it. :thumbsup:

[sam's mum]

On Sunday morning I woke up and my daughter was standing next to the bed holding on to Sam. (don't you hate waking up because people are staring at you) She told me not to get up that she would give Sam his breakfast and then bring him to me for his breastfeed. I was stunned, but I gave her a chance. She got his cereal made but couldn't get him to eat it so I had to get up anyway. But I was very impressed with the offer.
I wouldn't ever ask her to do this though as I think it is too much for her age. I do ask her to watch him in the lounge while I cook dinner or hang out washing and she is in there anyway.

[JasmineLouise]

I have 3 younger siblings. 12, 6 + 4.

I have found i am often a babysitter and although i don't get paid for this... more often than not, i will volunteer to do it. Usually i get paid with mcdonalds money (sad but true)... but it gives us a destination i suppose.:D

I think you will find that the older child will be more than happy to help. I took my youngest sister (3 at the time) to Robe (beachside holiday) for a week and gave my mum a rest!! Needless to say, they both enjoyed the 'time off', and i enjoyed the novelty of having such a well behaved, entertaining child to spend time with. (The man at the local newsagency kept calling her my daughter and giving her chuppa chups!) lol:laughing:

But i certainly have no issue with being the designated babysitter.:yes:

[cheezelkat]

I'm 7 years older than my sister and I helped out with changing nappies, bottles etc. But I didn't mind - I enjoyed playing "mum" and having my own wriggly doll :D I also often babysat my other younger siblings as I was the eldest. I don't think I should have had that responsibility though - 2 of my siblings have ADD, one has ADHD (and pulled a knife on me once), and one also has Aspergers.

When I have more children, I will expect some help with small things such as getting clothes, but I'll still be "mum" and expect to do the majority. Only when my eldest is an older teenager, and willing, will I allow babysitting if they want too.

[kymmy]

That reminds me when I was a child myself...
My older sister was mentally disabled
and I was expected to look out for her.
My mum didn't have much help or support...
I always felt like an adult though so didn't think much of it until I became a mum myself.

[shed]

I used to live with my aunty when I was at high school and I had a couple of younger cousins and one the same age as me.

Of course we were expected to help out with the little ones. We would bath the baby and entertain him while my aunty was cooking dinner or had popped down to the shop, and I would drive my 11 year old cousin to school in the morning (I was 14, no licence, in a big falcon, but it was on a country road and in a straight line, gawd, those were the days).

Of course we were expected to help out. I wouldn't dream of being quite capable of helping out and sitting on my fat ar*e while my lovely aunty did everything for all of us.

It takes a village to raise a child. Everyone should help out where they can.

[kymmy]

It takes a village to raise a child. Everyone should help out where they can.

I totally agree!
These days mothers don't get as much support as they used to
Now we are expected to be everything...

[SassyMummy]

I don't have a problem with older kids looking after their siblings if they're willing to do it...it's just that I find it wrong for children to be EXPECTED to take care of thier siblings.

I guess I kinda feel that if you can't look after your kids, then you shouldn't have them. That just means that if you're not prepared to do the mothering yourself, then you shouldn't rely on your children to do it for you. If they WANT to, then that's a different story...that's fine (so long as they are able to of course).

I don't mean small things like, "Honey, could you grab that nappy for me?"...that's only a very small favour...it's the same as if you'd ask them to grab you their shoes, or a cup or something else. Small favours, IMO, don't count as older children "raising" the younger children...it's just a tiny favour.

But yeah, like the example in the first post...about the 8-year-old and the baby bottle...THAT is what p*sses me off!

[SnoozesWithCats]

I personally think there's a big difference between "baby stuff" and "household stuff" - I had to do a reasonable amount of both, but I never really minded cooking or clotheswashing or cleaning so much (ok, well, cleaning I hated but I still do!) as babysitting, even though they were more work, because I could see the logic - I ate food and wore clothes therefore, fair enough, help out with associated tasks. But I didn't really get much GOOD out of my brother when he was a little kid, it's not like we were close enough together to play (and I've never really been a clucky person) so it seemed unfair to get just the responsibilities!

There's a basic fairness between siblings issue too - you presume, as an eldest, that the little ones will ALSO have to help out in the same sorts of ways you did once they get old enough (and obviously if one of your chores is babysitting ... well, the youngest one won't be doing that, will they!)

One of my friends moved out at 17 because she'd basically become "mum" in her household - she was doing so much cooking and cleaning, as well as trying to do uni, and her two sibs weren't even all that much younger than her, it had just become the pattern in their house that she was the 'responsible' one.

So many things to think about! ;)

[Maghan]

We are trying the 13 year old out with a bit of responsibility. Certainly not baby-sitting, but "looking out" for the little ones when we are at other people's places. Getting in the bath with the little ones and helping them wash themselves... I could never imagine any of them ever baby sitting each other without us around... oh god, it just would not work. There would be an uprising of mamoth proportions, we'd come back and we'd have our own little East Timor in the loungeroom. Lol...

[vanillabean]

My DS is only 3 1/2 and his sister is 16 months so there is not that much of an age gap that you are talking about, but everytime he gets out of the car he holds her hand and says come on. It is so sweet.

[CJJHRA]

My 14 year old kind of helps out, he will often get breakfast for everyone (just ceral) on weekends.

I dont expect it of him, but very much appreciate it.

He likes to take his brothers in his room with him to watch a movie while I get to have a little time to myself. But its not like I go out and leave him with them.

[mum2bubba]

If I had another child(ren) much later when Hayley was 10 or so, I would expect her to help me a little, eg help feed the baby when I'm making dinner or whatever, however I DO NOT expect her to take on a full baby sitting job, the baby will be mine and DP's responsabilty, my step mum used to make me and my older step sister get up at 3am to feed my half sisters when they were babies.
I was 9 at the time.

My SIL has 4 kids, ages 4 to 10, she gets her eldest to babysit while she goes out to do grocerie shopping.

My SIL's friend has 5 kids, her eldest is 14 and her youngest is 1, whenever we see them the eldest is ALWAYS looking after the baby (and her 3 other siblings) she feeds her, changes her etc, also the baby has Down's Syndrome so is more "harder" in a way to look after.

[EDIOH]

I have two younger sisters. Im now 20 and my sisters are 15 and 11. When i turned 15 all i can ever remember is baby sitting. Werever i went my sisters were with me. When i asked if i could sleep over at a friends, one of my sisters would come with me. I became known not as me but as a group. And i can tell you its no fun. My parents explained that everyone has to do there share because they have to work. Thats fine, but it wasnt just babysitting. It was cleaning the garage, vacumming the house, making luches and dinners picking girls up from school and so on. It became too much so i left home and moved in with my current boyfriend.
Whats worse is that they didnt even help me with a car, my DP brought it for my 18th and they were alway's calling asking if i could pick up the girls because my middle sister wanted to go out and so on. Then when it came to my second car, they didnt even help me out with a small loan. All i wanted was $200. So all in all, i really resented my parents for doing this. and not once was i paid to help out. It was alway's expected. Even now i moved away further so i wasnt too close to them and they still ask for me to baby sit and take my youngest sister to work with me and pick her up from school cause my spoilt middle teenager sister wants to go out. :banghead:

Very unfair.
Sorry, i need to vent. :mad:

[EskimoMumma]

I myself, being the oldest,although not that much older then my brother( a year and a half) When i was hmm 13 or so my mother had to work three jobs, fair enough. So most nmights it was just me and my brother but she ALWAYS had meals ready for us and all we had to do was stick it in the microwave to reheat. I have to say i was stuck with all the housework, cleaning up! EVERYTHING i hated it, i was young i wanted to work on my sport and the likes and it was so much! When we moved out here ..(15 going on 16) I had to do all the cleaning and cooking and getting my mother things! Those "small favours" would often turn into her becoming lazy :crying: She would go to the toilet(you have to go past the kitchen) and she would come back to her room, lay in bed, and then ask me to get her a bowl of cereal, something to eat or drink, etc. i mean come on, you just walked past the kitchen!!

Needless to say because of that experience i am not expecting my son to do any type of housework. When he is older and wants money, he can maybe do some weeding, take out the rubbish/empty bins once a week but thats really it! Of course he can keep his room tidy as well, i think that is always expected..(from 8years on IMO) My son loves to help with mary, he always asks if he can play with her(While she is on the floor) and i think even though my DD is young, she loves that interaction with her brother. The most i ask of my son is for him to get out his breakfast and I will do for him(Although he says he can do it now, he will pour the cereal..while half of it ends up on the floor and attempt milk..practice makes perfect!)

Because my kids have a 4 year ago gap, when older, i wouldnt expect him to babysit. i would ask and of course pay him, if he didnt want to thats fine. I think parents wnat their children to do that is because they trust them more than strangers.. BUt it is wrong to EXPECT them to become the babysitter...

I mean if you as a parent, could get your oldest to school and back while still working, why cant you for the younger siblings?? JMO.