How to deal with DS14?

[Kathron34]

I had another argument with DS14. He got another infringement notcie at school. This is number 5. He tells me his given up on learning and he dosn't care about school. I'm always yelling at him. He is always in his rrom on msm or you tube. He hardly does his homework and he hardly hands his work in. He is attending a privale school and I all I want from him is to try. We all know that he can do it. Its just that when he gets it in his head that he doesn't want to do something or he doesn't like something, he won't do it. He believes that this is how he will go through life. I got so mad at him today that I have hime a choice because I didn't want to spend all this money for him to go to a school when he doesn't want to learn. His choices were that he goes to a State school or he goes to his grandparents in QLD. He chose QLD. I don't really want him to go, but I really can't cope with all this anymore. I suffer from depression and all this is really really hard to deal with. Want can I do?:hair:

[SimplyMum]

I would take him to a shelter and show him what people are going through. Tell him that if he doesn't buckle down and start working- this is where he is going to end up.

Good luck. Are you parents strict?

[Miss_Vicki]

hugs , its hard to decided whats best for a teen , dont have any myself but i was one myself , sending him to qld might be what he needs want ?

Have you asked him what wrong an what is the root of this ?

[SuperGranny]

hi, do the grandparents want him?? will he do as he is told while living with the grandparents?? I think the idea of some sort of councilling, where he can see where he could end up if he throws in his education, might be a good idea. some sort of glimpse of his possible future might wake him up a bit. Is there some school concilers?? careers advisers?? who he can talk with, and just see what he really wants to do. I dont think the private education is such a necessary thing, each school is different. You can get a very good public school and a very bad private school, so it is no guarantee of a good outcome for your child. I wish you luck, and try not to put the burden on yourself, he has to take responsiblity too for his future sometime. Marie.

[becster05]

:wave:

I'm not sure sending him to QLD would be the answer?? is it possible that a 14yo would view that as 'well it all got to hard so it was easier for mum and dad to send me away?'. I dont mean to come across as judging, that isnt want I mean at all. I'm just trying to wonder how a 14yo boy would think?? That may do him more harm maybe. He may also just view going to QLD as an easy way out, meaning that things seemingly arent going to plan for him at home right now, woohoo I dont have to live with my 'parents' anymore or do what they say IYKWIM. He may see it as a sense of freedom which may not be what you were aiming for as such??

Is it possible that he finds is school work too hard, but maybe is too embarrassed to tell you? maybe he needs some extra help... or maybe he has a short attention span? I know for me, or even now, I have to be interested in something to want to learn it IYKWIM. I am pretty smart in the stuff that I want to know about because I am interested in it. But trying to get me to learn stuff that I dont like is really hard. Maybe if you could work out what his interests are or what he may like to do when he finishes school, you could show him what he needs to do to achieve it so he can concentrate on that pathway rather than worrying about the things that wont matter quite so much?

It is such a hard age I reckon. I know I was a complete and utter nightmare for my parents!! I went through a really hard patch until I left grade 12 :eek: (sorry to scare you!), but I did find my way once I truly figured out what I was interested in and then actually excelled at it! Maybe he will do the same... Good luck for you and your family :goodvibes:

[iMischa]

he more than likely thinks that going to qld, would be easier to get away with things from his grandparents so i think that shouldn't be on the cards, if he isnt doing what u want, then he shouldnt get to do what he wants, if the constant msn is an issue, get rid of his computer..

my brother is 15 and has been through stages like this, everytime he gets a note home from school something else he enjoys gets taken away. no friends, no computer, no video games no freedom...he soon pulled his head in.

[Myztik]

he more than likely thinks that going to qld, would be easier to get away with things from his grandparents so i think that shouldn't be on the cards, if he isnt doing what u want, then he shouldnt get to do what he wants, if the constant msn is an issue, get rid of his computer..

my brother is 15 and has been through stages like this, everytime he gets a note home from school something else he enjoys gets taken away. no friends, no computer, no video games no freedom...he soon pulled his head in.

:iagree::iagree:

[Angroc]

How do his grandparents feel about raising a teen? I know my mum loves her grandkids, but she has been there and done that with us and I know she wouldnt want to do it again. How would you feel having your son living in another state where you wouldnt see him every day? I know it probably seems like the best option for you (and him) right now, but how are you going to feel in a months time when you are missing him like crazy?

I also agree with taking away his 'toys' as a form of punishment. If he isnt doing the right thing then why should he have his tv or computer, especially being as they are a huge distraction for him.

I would also look into getting him into councelling. There may be more to the problem then him just being a teenager. Is he having learning difficulities or being bullied at school?

[melbryan]

I s'pose there has to be something that has lead up to this has there been any stresses happening the aim is to find the root of the problem and then try to help find a solution to this. The best thing is to keep the lines of communication always open but if this has not always been the case then it willl be hard to start now. By sending him away you are saying you can't handle him and therefore he is getting his way.
I know it is hard to not yell when you are frustrated but remaining calm with a teenager is the best I tihkn. All my kids will reach teenage years in a while but I work with teenagers and the best thing is it to get them on side and then they are more likely to do what you want and do it because they want to. You can't always be their best friend but you want them to respect your decision and advice.

[Myztiks#1Fan]

does he like school at all? would he be better with taking up an apprenticeship or something like that? i didnt enjoy school one bit from the age of 14/15. i hated going, never did homework and also limited assignments as i wasnt happy and i was forced to go until i moved out of home at the age of 14. i was lucky i had a job i enjoyed though.

i still went to school but only for a class or 2 that i liked and to socialise with friends. once that was done i would leave and that might of been only 1 day a week but it just didnt faze me so to speak.

i gave my sister the choice last year(she is now in grade 12 and i am glad she is still at school) to either leave school or work full time as last year she hardly went to school and i told her there was no way i was going to let her sit at home all day and do nothing while she was living under my roof.

my view is prolly alot different to others esp with the job but i really dont think QLD is the way to go. he will have more freedom as my grandparents tried to raise me at one stage but they couldnt do it as they had already been there and done that and wanted to live their own life so i went to my aunties for a year or 2.

does he have anything to look forward to during the week or on the weekends? can you possibly reward him with something if he goes to school, does his best no matter what his results are as long as he puts in an effort and not get any infringements? maybe take him out for a day, go go carting or something like that, make it a special day, a reward and also a bonding session for both of you. he might eventually open up to you over time.

[Just Add Water]

Coopmum.. I was actually thinking along the same lines :)

Does he actually want to be there? We have some friends who's son just quite simply was not the school type. He absolutely hated it and caused them and the school no end of hassels. They all ended up sitting down with him (his parents, the principal, his main teachers, school counsellor) and asking him what he wanted. He wanted to leave.

So they agreed that he would stay at school until the end of year 10 and then he could leave (this was half way through year 9). But by the time he left he had to have secured a job and be prepared to pay money towards bills, etc. He agreed and during the summer holidays he secured himeself a job with a landscaper and worked during all the holidays in year 10 and the odd weekend. His boss then gave him an apprenticeship once he completed year 10 (an extra incentive for him to stay till then ;)).

He is now 21 and is still loving his job. He is glad that he stayed on to do his year 10 but honestly feels that had he not been allowed to make the choice he did then he would have gone down the path of self desctruction as several of his friends did.

I'm a big believer in kids doing what they're told and having consequences, however if he is truly that miserable then there is most likely more to it. I wouldn't send him to QLD, he may see that as you giving up on him and that will hurt him more. Not sure how old your other kids are or what his relationship is like with his father but perhaps a weekend away with either him and his father or him and you just to get away and talk about things might help - I know it did for me.

Sorry to ramble.. hope it works out.

[studyingECS]

I would probably encourage him to change schools, maybe he needs that fresh start?

I wouldn't go telling him what will happen to him if he doesn't get an education because it will do nothing to encourage him to continue in school.

I have been through what he has, it was only the end of last year infact. Give him options, if he hates it and he is struggling why punish him? your better off helping him find a solution to the problem:yes:.

Support is what he needs. I'm not saying you aren't giving that to him:hugs:. Ofcourse you would be:thumbsup:.

[iMischa]

i think most teens don't like school, but most of them suck it up and do it because their parents don't allow any different. i have countless family members who left school and have regretted it...have hadto go back and get their HSC to then goto uni and are still studying well into their 30's when they could have been done early 20's. sometimes children need to be pushed in the right direction for their own good and as his mother as stressful and hard as it can be, its your job to do it.

because at age 14, if it was left upto him to decide what he wanted to do in life, i'm sure most of it wouldnt be very realistic or make much sense, i know my brother changes what he wants to do with his life on a weekly basis! but ask him any day of the week or month or year if he likes school. guarentee'd the answer is no.

[Kathron34]

Thank you everyone for you input. I guess what teen really does like school? The thing is, is that he is seeing the school councellor and we are all trying to help him. It seems that he could have aspergers syndrome ( a mild fom of autism). I am finding it really hard to cope with his dark and negative attitude towards everything. He doesn't go out he doesn't really do anything except sit in his room. When you punish him he believes that if he is being punished then that means that he can punish us by being even more of a brat. He has always been a very negative person. The school has had specialists from Melb come down to the school to assess him. I know that he isn't a normal kid, and I know that I need to do something about it. Its just that he is making it really hard for me. He hates that I am remarrying. We also had a problem with me DHs' daugter (14) who thought that she could make the rules. She didn't last long. Now DS14 thinks that he can dothe same. I don't want him to go to QLD, because I want him to stay here and go to a god school. The school that he and DD13 go to is one of the best schools (education wise) in this area. I can't just give up on him. I need to know what is wrong with him. I get so frustrated that I make stupid decisions.

[SuperGranny]

hi kathron, I just want to add some more thoughts. There was a story on sixty minutes, about a young lad who was being 'cyber bullied'. He put on such a brave face for all the family, but it did really get to him, and it led to him commiting suicide. I just wonder if your boy has been questioned about this. Perhaps there is something going on that he is keeping secret. I dont want to alarm you, but just thought I had to share that information. good luck, Marie.

[Dreambeliever]

hi,
im not sure where you live, but in qld there are a few options for kids who dont want to go to school. perhaps he could try an appretiship. at some schools you can go to school for 3 or 4 days and then do your appretiship for 1 or 2 days a week. i think thats through tafe. Or he could leave school at the end of yr 10 and go into a full time appretiship. DP's cousins son had no interest in school and had learning difficulties. they agreed to allow him to start an apprentiship after yr 10, only if he proved that he made an effort at school till then. he's in yr 9 now and is much happier and hard working now he knows its almost over.There are also trade schools where he would be with people his own age while completeing his school studies and learning a trade.
i would also possibly recommend seeing you GP and being refered to a psychologist. being constantly negative and withdrawing from other people are classic signs of depression. it may not be the case for your son but its worth getting it checked. i suffered through depression for two years at the end of high school and hated being there. it was only when my mum practicly draged me to the GP that i started moving forward.
good luck with everything. hope you find a way through it soon. :fingerscrossed:

[iMischa]

definately get him some help then if there is something actually wrong with him. i agree gp would be the first step.

best of luck to you.