Demanding Ex-partner & his rights (long..sorry)

[Mummy1988]

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[Mum2Bug]

I hope you get some great advice here ( I also happen to agree with all the other advice you were given on the other site you posted this)

[smilewithme]

:hugs: for you mummy1988!
He sounds like so many guys i know, but in my opinion he is only saying all these things to get at you, the more you fight it the more he will jump up and down like a child!
So dont agree to anything you do not feel ok with, but dont make a big deal about saying no to his crazy wants!
Keep all the txt and emails you get from him, just to cover you if things go to court at some point, but they will not let him take your child from you!

If his name is not on the birth certificate then he cant stop you getting a passport, but if you do and he will not let you then you can apply to the court to get him to sign it, if you have a valid reason for needing it and i think family is very important!

All the best with it!

[MummyDaddy]

1. if you want to take your child out of the country don't put his name on the birth certificate. If you do, then he will need to co-sign the passport application.

2. if you don't put his name on the birth certificate you can give baby any name you want, include a letter that says you have no idea where the father is as he left you when you were pregnant. I highly recommend not hyphenating babies last name - this will cause problems with the birth certificate

3. suggest mediation after baby comes, tell him you need for the last few weeks of your pregnancy to be as stress free as possible and that if he loves his son as much as he says he does that he wants you to remain safe and healthy as you are babies support

4. i suggest you have counselling or mediation both before and after the baby comes, do you think you could reconcile with him - he did say he loves you, perhaps a good counselling session would resolve things, if he got freaked out but is now back then isn't it worth giving him a chance?

5. it is recommended that fathers have short regular visits, you could suggest that he does this after baby is born

6. tell him you will notify him as soon as you are in labour and that he can come to the hospital but not into the room, tell him if he tries to come into the room security at the hospital will kick him out and then he will most likely not see
baby until you leave hospital, tell him he can come into the room as soon as baby is born, you might even during the labour want him to come in even just to scream at him, that will ge thim out of the room again quick smart

7. tell him that the only way to resolve this situation is to be nice, and that if he can't be nice, then you will put an AVO out against him for 6 months by which time you will have done everything you need to do including birth certificates, passports and overseas travel

Good luck, once baby is here all the heartache will be worth it :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

[sockstealingpoltergeist]

I would tell you that you should speak to legal aid now. Get some advice before the baby is born.

He does not have the right to be at the birth, you will vulnerable and need support, it is such an emotional personal journey and it isn't about him. It is about your health and the babies health.

Secondly and again, speak to legal aid about the overseas trip, you havea right to visit your grandparents and show off your lovely new baby.

With regards to the name thing, I would compromise with him and say that you will take his suggestions into consideration. But at the end of the day he hasn't even proven yet that he can be trusted to stick around and is making ridiculous demands. So the last name should be that same as yours as you are going to be the primary care giver.

Don't let him bully you (as that is what he is doing) and keep a record of everything, including texts and emails.

[Teley]

:hugs::hugs:I think what he is doing is trying to have some sort of power over you, because it sounds like he expected you take him back after that first message, and you stood your ground. So now he's trying to show how cool/powerful/intimidating he can be, because you didn't do what he wanted. He sounds like a selfish moron, sorry!:no:

I don't think he is really interested in the baby, sorry. If he was looking out for the baby, he would care about causing you to be so stressed, since you are pregnant! He would ask how the baby is, and try to help prepare for the baby's arrival. But this isn't about the baby: this is about his selfish self and his ego. So I'm not sure whether he would even stick to his threats at all!

With the birth - no, only take who you are comfortable with into the birthing room. YOU are giving birth, not him, and if you're not comfortable with him, he can't make you or force himself in there. I'm pretty sure you would win any legal case if the name was hyphenated, although he would get a say in the name. You can't avoid putting his name on the birth certificate, or he will kick up a stint, and he could also use it against you for later in court to show how you tried to "stop" him from being a dad. And then he gets to pay child support anyway if he's on it:p, I'm sure he's looking forward to that! lol.

I think that you are allowed to take your child overseas. You will need to get a passport though, and he will need to sign it. If he refuses to, you can take him to court, and the court can give you an exemption order if you explain the circumstances about the grandparents, so you get to go overseas anyway. (Are you sure you're not me or my ex? Your situation sounds a lot like mine lol!:p)

I think with visitation rights, he will probably get more than you want if you end up in court, the system is incredibly biased towards fathers when they don't even want to make an effort or deserve (I know this might get quoted and debated by some members, woops), but anyway, he can't just walk into your house whenever he wants to, because that's what court orders are for. You guys can make a parenting plan and he will have to abide by those times. Either you can do it between him and you, or you will have to go to court. Doing it privately is more preferable to the court way though IMHO.

Anyway, I think I wrote too much lol! I hope I answered all your questions to the best of my knowledge. And another huge :hugs: from me!

[Jakois]

Although I am not a single parent, I do have a couple of very close friends that have gone through custody issues with newborns/young babies.


You will get a fair amount of conflicting advice about what access your Ex will/wont be entitled to, especially during the first 12 months. What I have encountered is access on the weekends for a few hours each day. Not to say thats what will happen with you, but it may.

Some will say that Breastfeeding wont be taken into consideration, though I am yet to hear of a real case where that has happened.

I do strongly suggest that you seek legal advice from a Family Law Specialist. They will point you in the right direction:).

[Teley]

you might even during the labour want him to come in even just to scream at him, that will ge thim out of the room again quick smart



I like this suggestion:yes:! lol. It's a way to be able to vent your anger, with an excuse:p!

[Jakois]

I would tell you that you should speak to legal aid now. Get some advice before the baby is born.

He does not have the right to be at the birth, you will vulnerable and need support, it is such an emotional personal journey and it isn't about him. It is about your health and the babies health.

Secondly and again, speak to legal aid about the overseas trip, you havea right to visit your grandparents and show off your lovely new baby.

With regards to the name thing, I would compromise with him and say that you will take his suggestions into consideration. But at the end of the day he hasn't even proven yet that he can be trusted to stick around and is making ridiculous demands. So the last name should be that same as yours as you are going to be the primary care giver.

Don't let him bully you (as that is what he is doing) and keep a record of everything, including texts and emails.

And :iagree: with SSP.

[mybabyandew]

:hugs::hugs:I think what he is doing is trying to have some sort of power over you,

I don't think he is really interested in the baby, sorry. If he was looking out for the baby, he would care about causing you to be so stressed, since you are pregnant! He would ask how the baby is, and try to help prepare for the baby's arrival.


I totally agree im a young mum ill be 18 next month and im 34 weeks pregnant and already have a toddler, my ex left me when i first got pregnant up until the baby was 9 months and came back and got me pregnant again and left. He is just trying to have power over you, I always get the textes (always) saying im taking you to court blah blah blah your a bi*ch. so far nothing and this has been for nearly 2 years now. If he cared so much about wanting to be there for the baby he would be asking how the baby is and buying things for the baby ( if he cared) and wanting to see ultersound photos. Thats what i feel my ex is doing just trying to scard me and still try to boss me around and have power over me if they really cared they would be asking about the baby and buying things( my ex has brought nothing and i mean nothing for either hes first son or 2nd son on the way. They just want us to do eveything they say and it just doesnt work like that. I wouldnt bother putting his name of the birth cert it will just cause problems i should know, and there is no way he would be aloud to come into the labour room with you not wanting him to, it would be way to hard for you just let him come to see the baby after the birth thats what i did my ex even spend came and spend 10 minutes there and all i got was a how much weight did you gain and did i get torn no hello no nothing, and dont worry about if they say he is staying to long just tell him your tired or you need to feed bubs and you want to do it in private.

[cheezelz]

Phoenix Rising is right on.

[Mummy1988]

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[missie_mack]

If I don't put him on the birth certificate, does he have any right to stop me from getting my son a passport and taking him overseas for 2 weeks? If he is on the birth certificate, can he stop me from getting him a passport?

No he cannot stop you from getting a passport. If you take him for childsupport and he proves himself a valid father you can add his name to the birth certificate later and then chose to hyphenate his name later (not had any problems with my sons birth cert being issued and he has hyphenated surname albeit his father and I being married)

You also need to consider if you add his name to the birth certificate and he becomes a absentee father later on every time you want to leave the country you will need to seek his approval.

I also have to wonder for a man who claims to have such a high interest in this child is he meeting half the costs associated with the pregnancy?? It might be a stepping point to see how interested he really is....

[Lilahh]

I agree with the above posters, get legal advice ASAP. Remember to take care of yourself and bub, you two are the first priority. So if speaking to him is too stressful, get your lawyer to insist he only contact you through a written letter. You don't need to deal constantly with his ****ty demands when you are also dealing with pregnancy. Best of luck! :hugs:

[I love JJJ]

1. if you want to take your child out of the country don't put his name on the birth certificate. If you do, then he will need to co-sign the passport application.

2. if you don't put his name on the birth certificate you can give baby any name you want, include a letter that says you have no idea where the father is as he left you when you were pregnant. I highly recommend not hyphenating babies last name - this will cause problems with the birth certificate



I would strongly recommend against doing this as it is fraud. You do know where he is and who he is so I suggest trying to do everything above board. Not only that, he IS the child's father and has every right to be on the birth certificate, regardless of him leaving you.
You sound as though you do wish for him to be in bub's life (which I commend you for) and even though he is being a little over the top at the moment, things may settle down.
When you decide to do mediation and/or claim for child support then it will come out that you do in fact know who the child's father is and then you could be in a world of trouble.
I really commend you for trying to do the right thing.
I suggest contacting a solicitor for legal advice and going from there.
Good luck.

:)

[anikasmummy]

My advice to you is to wait and see when your baby is born how your ex will act. It may turnout (as it did in my case) that he is a loving and devoted father. I highly doubt that if your giving him access to his son that he will turn around and say 'im not signing for the passport' when the time comes.

If you choose not to put his name on the birth certificate you'll need a stat dec stating that either 1. you don't know who the father is or how to find him, 2. You know who the father is and you have made a reasonable attempt to contact him but he refuses to sign (and they will chase him up for you). Either way, in your case, your lying on a legal document..... not a very wise idea!

I recommend avoiding any conversations about visitation, holidays, etc until your son has actually arrived.. both your life and your exes are going to change enormously, and you can try to predict and plan for what life as a parent will be like... but the reality of it and the feelings that come with it will shock you both. Its completely true that a mother becomes a mother from the moment she feels new life stirring inside her... a father becomes a father when he holds his child in his arms -
I'd avoid him as much as you can for the rest of your pregnancy... let him know you're happy to discuss visitation issues once your son is here, in my experience it's pretty useless discussing them now.

Goodluck with the rest of your pregnancy, and I really hope your ex calms down once your son is born and works with you to create a loving and safe environment for him.

[Mum2Bella]

If I don't put him on the birth certificate, does he have any right to stop me from getting my son a passport and taking him overseas for 2 weeks? If he is on the birth certificate, can he stop me from getting him a passport?my children have their father on their birth certificate but we have had no contact for 9 years.we have no idea where he is,my eldest daughter wanted to go overseas for schoolies but couldn't because her bio father had to sing the passport papers.but we have since found we could of gone to court n told the court we had no idea where the father is n the judge could of agreeded if my daughter could of gone overseas.

IMO get a diary start right all the contact he has with you,SMS.calls visits what is said times/dates etc.it will be good for you if you di have to go to court in the future for custody.

dont make it easy for him,if he wants to see his son make him come to you(dont go to him)make sure you have someone with you when he visit.
maybe set up some rules like a few hrs one a Sunday(weekly or fortnightly)with the times that suit you.if he cant make it then right it in your diary if he comes right it in your diary.if he disagrees when a few hrs or an hour then right it in the diary.

I'm sure you are getting the hint about the diary now.

some father`s what everything to do with their child n will walk to the other side of the world but some father expect the mother just to hand the child over n let her do all the running around.
you will know if he is serious about contact if he makes the effort to take you up on the contact on your terms(if he works dont make visit during work hours)


if he does sign the BC then he has to pay child support,maybe sit down n have a chat about child support n tell him its a % of his pay, n ask if he would like it taken out of his pay or a private arrangement.

if you dont want him at the birth then tell him no,also tell who ever will be in the labour ward that you dont want him in the room.just because he is the father doesn't mean he has to be in the room,I know couples that wont have their partners in the room

so get a diary,seek legal aide-with legal aide it wont go to court straight away. they send you to mediation to see if you both can work something out,but dont feel pressured to agree to anything that you dont want.

you have your family for support so dont let him ty to walk over you

[mybabyandew]

it just makes me so angry that he thinks he can just waltz on in and get anything he wants just because he's the father. He hasn't provided at all for his son yet, hasn't bought, or offered to buy, a single thing for him.


I know how you feel :hugs::hugs:

[Mum2Bella]

Originally Posted by Mummy1988 View Post
it just makes me so angry that he thinks he can just waltz on in and get anything he wants just because he's the father. He hasn't provided at all for his son yet, hasn't bought, or offered to buy, a single thing for him.
we have a mother like that,its bloody sad for the child

[SPC]

You need to be very, very careful. I'd strongly recommend talking to legal aid as soon as possible. You have to consider that he may do what he says. Perhaps have a chat to solodad, as I reckon he's a good example of what can happen if a father decides he wants 50/50 involvement. You need to get to legal aid first, if he might qualify for it, as they can't represent both of you.

Don't worry about him being at the birth. Fob him off right now. At the time, you'll be too busy to worry about him, and the midwives will absolutely not let him in if you don't want him there. If he makes a fuss they'll have him thrown out. You never know how you might feel at the time, but make it clear that you'll need several undisturbed hours with your newborn to establish breastfeeding. There may be some parenting classes that you can insist he attends before the baby is born. Certainly he needs to do an infant resus course and read some books about baby care and breastfeeding so he understands how things will be in the early days and especially things like 'nipple confusion', 'demand feeding' etc, just in case he gets any ideas about you expressing and him bottle feeding. A lactation consultant and the ABA will put him straight if you need any back up about those kind of issues.

Do you know anyone with a small baby that would be willing to let him spend a day with them?? Preferably a spewer who screams a lot!

I'd take it as written that he'll want to be on the birth certificate. There is no point in fighting it if he's around as trying to get around it is illegal and that's the last thing you need to do in your situation. This will mean he has to pay child support and he will be able to stop you leaving the country. I have a Canadian friend who has been stuck in Australia for 14 years because her child's father won't let his son leave. So if you need to go, it's best to try and negotiate this with him, perhaps for allowing him veto on names he doesn't like. This (http://www.uk.embassy.gov.au/lhlh/files/B9_2005.pdf) is the form I'm looking at to get my baby to the Uk without FOB's permission.

If you're not married I wouldn't give the baby his name, as hyphenated names are just a nuisance. Finally, if he's going to pay child support, and he will have to if he's named as the father, then he will also have to pay 50% of ALL your pregnancy costs. This includes loss of earnings, cot, pram, hospital etc, I think for the duration of the pregnancy and for several months afterwards. The CSA will take money from his employer, seize his passport, driver's license, and even sell his home or other assets, [motorbike!], if he doesn't pay child support. It's not all bad news. Child support is 18% of his income above a certain amount to live on, if you have majority residential care. You might want to mention that figure and let it sink in a bit...

You sound like you've been really reasonable and I hope you can work it out.

[Looshkin]

Just wanted to say really important to speak to legal advice about the passport thing.

My bestie had a massive drama with this because he was aroundand on the birth certificate.

If you can't find them/don't know where they are, you can get a judge to authorise the passport but if they aren't AWOL then the father can refuse to sign the passport application.

My friend spent 6 months trying to get her son a passport because the dropkick dad refused to sign the passport applications out of spite, refused to see his son at all but played a whole bunch of games with child support/naming/custody and then when that didn't work, tried to hurt her by not signing the passport application.
She had to take him to court and he was compelled to sign it in the end, but it was a bit of a nightmare for her so definitely get advice and be prepared now.

And :hugs:some of these ones.
I can not believe these dooshy men that abandon their pregnant partner and child like this and then as if nothing has happened expect to be able to just rock up to see their child whenever/where ever..

[Mum2Bella]

another thing we had with our daughter when she was older had to see her mother at the contact center as supervised visit between her & I wernt working out.

[Mummy1988]

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