Taking it really hard

[GrowingMyFamily]

Hi,

I just found out yesterday that I'm having a missed miscarriage. I'm taking it really badly and can't seem to pull myself together.

My best friend is 20wks pregnant and while she would normally be a great support to me in most things I just can't stand the sight of her or anyone else who is pregnant for that matter. Had to stop and go home in the middle of the grocery shopping yesterday cause everywhere I looked people were pregnant or had babies.

I feel like I'm totally overreacting but can't get a handle on it. I'm also filled with fear that I won't be able to get pregnant again or that I will but I will just miscarry over and over.

How do you push past the feelings and get on with life? How do you find the courage to try again? I hope someone can help me...

[Manxie]

I am so very sorry for your loss:hugs: I have also had a missed m/c and so understand a little of what you are going through.

You know what you dont have to pull yourself together. You have suffered a loss and you need to grieve for that loss, take your time, be gentle with yourself.

I am sure that your friend understands that you find it hard to be around her at the moment. I had to drop out of my mums group for a while as I couldnt stand to see all the pregnant mums, they all understood as good friends should.

Just take your time, cry lots and in time you will be ready to try again:hugs: I got my courage from the girls here in bubhub.

[tess20]

I'm very very sorry for your loss :hugs:

Time seems to be the main thing that helped me.

I avoided shopping centres for quite a while-it was the same for me it felt like there was pregnant women everywhere.

Look after yourself :hugs:I wish I could offer something more useful.

[Amara]

Time heals all wounds.

For me I found the only way to get over losses was to TTC again soon as it gave me a feeling of power over the situation.

I also felt horrible in shopping centres - so many preggy bellys so many babies. I still had tears in shopping centres while I was pregnant last time - even when I was quite advanced as I never really thought I'd have a bub of my own.

Thankfully most women do not get to experience a second loss. Don't pay attention to my ticker as I'm over 40 and it's common to have losses at my age.

[GrowingMyFamily]

Thank you all so much for your responses. It's good to know that there are people out there who don't think I'm overreacting and who understand what I'm going through.
It's also good to know that time will start to heal this pain I'm feeling. I've never felt such a deep and aching grief. It almost physically hurts.

A special note to you Manxie for your comment that I don't have to pull myself together. It was almost like that gave me permission to grieve this baby and I needed that. Thank you so much.

[tahlias mum]

so so sorry for your loss.. :hugs::hugs: i have also had a missed m/c over a year ago.. over time it does get easier but u dont get over it you have to greive for your lil one. I haye shopping centres and i know that u dont want to be around your bbud at this time but we are all here for you if u need a chat :hugs::hugs:

[rynosmum]

As Manxie said already, it's perfectly okay not to pull yourself together. Miscarriage isn't fair and no one should ever expect you to simply move on.

You aren't the same person you were before the loss. You were pregnant with your first baby, full of hopes, dreams and lifelong plans for your family and beautiful babe. Now it's like someone has taken all of that away and you are well within your rights to feel sad, anguished, cheated and totally vulnerable.

The thing is, not all people who suffer a M/C will suffer more and even those who suffer a number will go on to have completely perfect pregnancies and deliver beautiful babies. I've had three losses and almost a year ago I gave birth to my beautiful daughter (a sister for our precious little boy). It's hard to try again, it's hard to remain confident but whilst every setback was like I lost a piece of my heart and life, the hope of having my children just made me continue.

It's a hard road but well worth it. As for getting over it, I still haven't - check out my recent thread in this very section of 'When will I move on?'. I have resigned myself that my lost babies will always be a part of our family - and honoured just as they deserve to be:valentine:

I'm so sorry for the loss of your little baby. Please have plenty of these :hugs: and be especially kind to yourself and baby's Daddy. They act tough now but quite often take it very hard themselves which only surfaces later. Best of luck with your journey.:hugs:

[Gabi]

Oh honey! The other girls are absolutely right, you are not over reacting at all! You've lost your child!

I could have written that post two years ago after my missed miscarriage. Seeing other women who get to go on and experience the joys of motherhood is really hard when you're grieving for not only your baby but also, in a way, your motherhood and your experience of pregnancy. My best friend was pregnant during one of my miscarriages, and I found it really hard to talk to her too. Especially because she (quite understandably) just wanted to talk about her baby and her excitement.

Give yourself some space and some time! It WILL get better in time, and you will make it through this tough time.

[Dot]

:hugs: Im so sorry hunny ... I also have had a missed miscarrige, I lost my baby 6 weeks ago, so the pain is all still very raw for me. Please dont feel like you need to keep it together because i felt liek I had to be strong for everyone else around me as I felt like a failure... and I ended up snapping about 4 weeks ago and ended up an utter mess.

Time does heal all wounds, and I still tell myself everyday to get up and make it through another day, I hate going to work as I currently have 7 girls who are between 12 - 28 weeks pregnant and all you here at work is babies babies babies... its very hard.

I can tell you though its been 6 weeks and I am ready to go again ... just waiting on AF. I have been going to accupunture as it makes me feel like I am that one step closer.

Sorry I am rambling, I just wanted to let you know that it does get a little easier, but please grieve you need to grieve your body needs to acknowledge the loss mentally and physically and in the mean time feel free to chat I know I felt comfort in knowing someone else in the world understood.

:hugs:.

[Queen]

:hugs: :hugs::hugs:

[GrowingMyFamily]

Thanks again to everyone who has called in to offer words of comfort and advice. I can't get over how many strong and beautiful women there are out there who have been through this and are willing to share their experiences to help others. You are all wonderful.

AFM at the moment I keep waking up each day thinking/hoping it will feel better and it never does. I know DH is finding it hard seeing me like this. It's also difficult cause if I hadn't had the ultrasound/blood tests I still would just think everything was normal. There is no sign of miscarrying or anything being wrong. It's so hard... :gloomy: I keep thinking I'm not strong enough to do this but then I get through another day and keep going somehow. I'm starting to have to face up to the reality of a d&c in the coming days. Can anyone tell me about it? Is there any pain afterwards (of the physical variety)? Does it have any effect on fertility?

[Manxie]

HI:hugs:

I also struggled with the fact I had a missed m/c. Everyone talks about womans intuition yet for six odd weeks I thought I was still pregnant and had no idea. I take comfort from the fact that there are lots of us on here who have had them and that it is "normal" not to experience any signs.

I had a d&c and can honestly say it was as positive an experience as these things can be. I was in a public hospital. I was given a tablet to help dilate the cervix a little while before going into theatre. I then didnt have long to wait before they performed the d&c. Next thing I knew I was in recovery, (crying my eyes out:o)


I dont remember any physical pain, just like a period really. You would need to take some pads in with you for afterwards.


The nurses organised for a social worker to come and talk to me after the procedure and it was really helpful to have someone to discuss things with. I had been agonising over who to tell about the m/c as the pregnancy had been kept a secret.

As for the affect on fertility I have read on here that it actually increases your likelihood of conceiving. I dont know what evidence there is to back this up but it didnt take me long to get pregnant again. DD2 is the result:bee:

Thinking of you:hugs:

[hailsntwang]

I have never experienced a miscarriage so I can't really offer any advice based on personal experience.

I just want to offer my support :hugs::hugs::hugs: and let you know it's ok to grieve how you see fit. :crying::banghead::gloomy:

Take as much time as you need to grieve your baby. Don't let anybody tell you other wise.

[GrowingMyFamily]

Manxie I hope you don't mind me asking - did you try again straight after the d&c or did you wait a cycle or two for things to get back to normal?

I wish I knew some of you girls in real life. None of my friends have ever been through this and they are just so hard to talk to...

[Manxie]

Dont mind you asking at all but will pm you;)

[Dot]

I can help with the d&c experience if you would like to hear it? I can PM you if you would prefer or if you have msn or facebook I can chat to you live on that? Its completely up to you, I too have not spoken to anyone about mine and am more then happy to answer any questions you have.

[mollym]

:hugs:I'm sorry for your loss hun.

I agree with the other girls, time is the only thing that seems to help.

I had a D&C only 11 days ago, after having severe pain & bleeding for over 9 days. I was 9.5wks.

My DH & I pretty much isolated ourselves for the first 2 days. We then went away for 3 days & have spent most of this week at home. I am due back at work tmo after 3wks away.

I would not push yourself to "get over" this quickly. It's important to cry & grieve the only way you know how. I have learnt not to fake my happiness anymore after my losses...I don't care how weak or emotional people think I am....you deserve to grieve the loss of your baby for as long as it takes.

There is nothing wrong with staying away from your friend for a little while. In fact, I think it's a sensible decision. I have found that keeping my distance from people or things that evoke sadness or make me feel "uncomfortable" right now is the only way I can deal with it.

I hope time helps you. :hugs:

[GrowingMyFamily]

Thanks again girls. I was actually feeling ok this morning until I called my GP's rooms to make an appointment to see her tomorrow (she doesn't work mondays and i haven't seen a dr since i found out about this miscarriage). I got the one secretary who doesn't know me and she told me my dr was fully booked until friday. I asked to be added as an "urgent" appointment so I don't have to wait till friday but when the secretary asked why and I told her, her response was "well that's hardly a medical emergency - you'll have to call again tomorrow and see if she has any cancellations". Now I know I can call tomorrow and get a different secretary who will fit me in immediately so I'm not worried about that but it doesn't take away the pain of what the first one said.

How can a woman who has had children be that cold??? :gloomy: DH has had to go back to work today and now I'm having trouble moving on from that comment. Just needed to vent. Thanks girls.

[hailsntwang]

I'm disgusted that a doctor's secretary would preach to you what is and isn't an emergancy.:eek:

This is an emergancy and you need to be seen to as soon as you can.

I would call up again and demand to see someone. You shouldn't have to reason with someone to see a Doctor.

Be sure to mention this to a superior of her's. She needs to learn some empathy and tact.:shame:

[gizmoduckus]

:hugs: I am so sorry that you have had to go through this.

I have also had a missed miscarriage and I understand the heartache that you are feeling. I remember going to the ultrasound and just being in shock afterwards because I just had no idea that anything was wrong

I agree with the other women, you just have to allow yourself to feel what you are feeling. I just remember crying for days and days.

The D&C is a fairly straight-forward procedure. The hardest part is just dealing with the emotional side of it. It is hard but you will get through it. Just make sure that you have someone to lean on with you. There will probably be some cramping afterwards but it's nothing that a heatbag won't help you with.

We waited a few cycles before trying again but only you will know when you are ready. Don't push yourself to do anything that you don't want to do.

There are a few things that I have heard that people have done to help with their grieving process like releasing a balloon at the beach, planting a tree or putting together a little box of stuff for their child. I never wanted to do any of those things but there is not a right way or a wrong way to get through this. Just do what you feel is right for you.

I know it might not feel like it now but it does get better. I promise! :hugs: