View Full Version : What is appropriate?
my timing is a bit off as I only just ended a relationship recently and by chance or fate or whatever you want to call it I have been asked out for coffee by a man.
my delima is my DS, I don't feel comfortable fobbing him off on my friends for a coffee date.
would it be ok to take him, i expect it will be pretty low key:confused: well would have to be wouldn't it lol.
what are your experiences and how have you handled / juggled these things :confused:
and if there is no alternative that is take him or not go what would you do :confused:
Personally, no I wouldn't do it.
I would find it too hard to concentrate on getting to know the person when having my son/sons there. I also would like someone to get to know me as a person first instead of just as a mother.
But if you feel okay with it then go for it!
MummyDaddy
16-04-2009, 21:47
Hmmm... do you think he has asked you as in a date situation?
If you just ended one situation - and have the cancer scare situation with the FOB - then I think you could be in an emotionally precarious situation and would be hesitant.
I'd put him off for a couple of weeks and then go for the coffee with your little one.
But that's just me :)
I've had ops to repartner quite a bit since becoming single and rejected all of them because I know I need to be single for a while before I step into another situation - I want to do personal work before going into another relationship so that hopefully the next one is healthy :yes:
I do go on dates however! Dates are harmless - as long as you know where you boundaries are and what you do and don't want.
Logan&KodasMumma
16-04-2009, 21:50
hi hun,
I am newly single, but if you would feel uncomfortable having your son there you can always book him into a short stay daycare. You can book him in and pay for the care by the hour, which is a good way to make sure that he is being looked after and you do not feel as though your palming him off to your friends, however if you feel comfortable taking him and you'll know that he'll behave, then do that.
You need to do what makes you feel comfortable, but thats just one option. I have generally taken my kids with me, bcuz theyre part of me and they are part of being with me.
have a good one
sockstealingpoltergeist
16-04-2009, 21:55
I personaly wouldn't take my child on a date, even just a coffee date.
I think keeping things seperate for as long as possible is a good idea.
I have a few male friends, and I hang out with them every once in a while and DS comes along.
With my last serious ex bf, I took DS along for our first date:eek:. I figured I would just introduce him as one of my male friends, because there's nothing wrong with your mum knowing both males and females, is there? I don't care if anybody critises us, but it was just a fun day to hang out where there were heaps of people, heaps of little coffee places, and a play area for the kids.
I'm evil. It was my way of trying to see if I could scare him off with my motherhood status;).
One last note - we had met before that, me without DS, so we'd had a few hours to just chat before he asked for my number. And we'd being texting and calling for while already, so it wasn't like he was a complete stranger.
anikasmummy
16-04-2009, 22:21
Hi Debster!
I don't know about you, but I find that whenever I'm trying to socialise and my bub is around adult conversation is hard to maintain... she's constantly diverting my attention. This would be especially the case in a cafe, even with a playground (not sure how old ur DS is?) you would still have to have an eye on him and not be 100% into the conversation. That's no way to start a relationship (friendship or otherwise). I think for the first 'date' you should give this man a couple of hours of your time... child free... and see where it goes and how you get along.
I also don't believe 'fobbing' him off is what you would be doing, it's one coffee date, a couple of hours at the most. I think you should go for it!
tyler's mum
16-04-2009, 23:00
Personally no I wouldn't take my daughter:no::no:
[quote=MissPhantom;3652299]
With my last serious ex bf, I took DS along for our first date:eek:. I figured I would just introduce him as one of my male friends, because there's nothing wrong with your mum knowing both males and females, is there? I don't care if anybody critises us, but it was just a fun day to hang out where there were heaps of people, heaps of little coffee places, and a play area for the kids.
I'm evil. It was my way of trying to see if I could scare him off with my motherhood status;).
quote]
yeah my first b/f I took DS to the date too :eek: he was 18months then, it was just coffee and a walk that was about 1hr.
ok it isn't ideal for me to bring DS if I decide to go.
I can't be expected to have no life because I have a child. If I organise something childfree I can't really until DS is with his Dad, so does that mean I should only go out once a fortnight :confused:
whats the worst that can happen? lol nothing might come of it anyway and I have no real expecations.
also someone suggested daycare however that is not possible on a weekend. :no:
Personally no I wouldn't take my daughter:no::no:
why :confused:
Firstly - you go girl!! Woo hoo!
Ok, I can see both sides. I've been there as well and this is my own personal opinion...
It depends on the guy - if he knows kids well, if he knows you well, if he is easy going etc will make it more likely to be ok. You are thinking - hey if he can't handle me bringing my son - he isn't worth it, right?? I used to think the same. And true, if he freaked out about it, he doesn't show a lot of strength and character...
However...
on the flip side...if he is truly a wonderful man, he still may feel overwhelmed when you bring your son. He may not know children or know how to relate to them. That isn't his fault, but it may be something that he needs to gradually warm himself to and get used to. He might feel a bit overwhelmed with the whole thing. Again not his fault and doesn't make him a bad person. And when you are with your child, you are a totally different person than when you don't have them with you (well I am anyway).
In my opinion, I would do whatever I could to not have your son for at least the first few dates. If you have a friend who could look after him for an hour or two, why not I say?? You should not feel bad, as long as he is in good and safe care of someone you know.
Then if it gets too hard to find someone after those first few dates (I think at least 4 dates) of just the 2 of you, explain that you can't find anyone to look after your son when he invites you out. Then this leaves it up to him to ask your son to come along, and he will know you a bit better. Then the pressure isn't put on him.
If you can't find anyone? I don't think I would go, but it depends on how you feel and what you think he would be like if you did bring him along.
If you do go ... good luck! :smiliedance:
For me, it would be a no too....
Esp if it was someone that was new to me, but for me "dating" (not that I have ever really dated) is not something I mix with my child.....
I have had one shortlived attempt at a relationship prior to my current partner whilst being a parent..... on both occassions our first "dating" encounters have been child free, although it did progress quicker to involvement around P due to the fact they have both been friends that have progressed to something more....
Having had a mother who had men in and out of our lives like nothing else as a child, I won't have someone in my childs life that is not the right kind of influence, nor a temporary thing.....
I don't think you're going to have an idea about the path things will take prior to at least a few dates with someone new, therefore there is no way I would even introduce my child until I had some idea either way..... for me I was lucky in that my partner is someone I have known for quite a while, and starting as friends we had the opportunity to discuss the way things were for me, and whether or not it was something we really wanted to pursue, knowing full well that it was all or nothing....
As I said, this is just how I feel personally, I know everyone has their own internal compass as to what is right for them, and at the end of the day you just have to do what you feel comfortable with...
All the best!
tyler's mum
17-04-2009, 17:35
why :confused:
Because i dont know him or if it would go any where, I dont want men coming in and out of our lives so tyler will not met a man im seeing untill i think/feel its goin to last
Debster, I wouldn't take my daughter on a first date/coffee date. To me they are possibly the same thing in your situation.
I mean, only you know, but it does sound like the new man has asked you out for coffee because he is 'interested' in you.
From a single parents (which i no longer am i guess) point of view, is taking your child going to allow the two of you an opportunity to chat freely? Or will both of you be 'distracted'. Of course your child is a pleasant 'distraction', no one would deny that. But quite often the focus is on the child and what it is doing and not each other.
From a guys point of view meeting a lady for the first time, i would prefer to meet you without 'distractions' (i'm certain there is a better word, please forgive me) and get to know you.
I recognise that you and your child are a package. but the same could be said for the rest of your family too (broadly speaking), and you wouldn't take any of them on a first 'date', would you.
So no, i would make it just the two of you to begin with and then maybe take your child on the second or third meeting/date if you really wanted to, or felt it was necessary.
i here where you are coming from.
i will just tell him that i have my son and can't make other arrangements, would prefer to go out with him one on one BUT am happy to still try to have a coffee (I don't think it will damage DS at all - but could possibly damage the start of something, as he could be overwhelmed - he has dated another woman with two children so it is not unknown territory to him). I don't want to sound disinterested either if I say I can't go.
was honest and told him that I can't get anyone to look after DS, and it would be better to out alone but still happy to meet for a drink on Sunday. Booked in next Sat. was a brief call but :fingerscrossed:
was honest and told him that I can't get anyone to look after DS, and it would be better to out alone but still happy to meet for a drink on Sunday. Booked in next Sat. was a brief call but :fingerscrossed:
Good for you. Ummm, just curious and tell me to mind my own business if necessary. But did the coffee invite eventuate from the 'event'?
If so, wicked. Congratulations.
Good for you. Ummm, just curious and tell me to mind my own business if necessary. But did the coffee invite eventuate from the 'event'?
If so, wicked. Congratulations.
:yes: yes it did :yes:
frayzlilso
19-04-2009, 15:55
Maybe you could do a 'brief' coffee date, have someone agree to walk around with your little one in the pram to a nearby park or do something near-ish so you're to hand if needed ... and then you also have the great excuse of not being on the date too long (treat them mean to keep them keen! I'm sure I read that somewhere ?? ;)) So then it's not so much babysitting because you could potentially then do something with that person afterwards, depending on how the pram-walk went.
Just an idea :)
i would if its just for coffee. Id just choose a place with kids toys so theyre entertained
Maybe you could do a 'brief' coffee date, have someone agree to walk around with your little one in the pram to a nearby park or do something near-ish so you're to hand if needed ... and then you also have the great excuse of not being on the date too long (treat them mean to keep them keen! I'm sure I read that somewhere ?? ;)) So then it's not so much babysitting because you could potentially then do something with that person afterwards, depending on how the pram-walk went.
Just an idea :)
my DS is too old for a pram. :yes:
I ended up going and taking DS, we went to a tavern which had a playstation room and a playground. It cost me $7 for a packet of chips and a lemonade plus $4 for DS to have a go on the chocolate machine or whatever you call it!
the date went well :thumbsup: & he has asked me out again.
lil miss
20-04-2009, 21:54
it is up to u what u feel comfortable with. I would take him, as this new guy needs to know that if he wants u, he gets the package.
when i first started dating my new dp, i made a point of bringing my dd with me when i went to his place... after a while i stopped cuz we started getting a bit serious and i didnt want dd to get attached. U need someone who will accept and love u for the fact u r a mummy first.
If u feel more comfortable taking ur son then do it. If u would like a babysitter, do ti. U r not palming him off to friends or family... u have every right to have a break, even if it is for a coffee with someone... u need to remember that u r a person too, not just a mummy. u need time out for urself.
hi,
sounds like things went well.
when i was single with just one dd, i used to have her minded if i ever went on dates, my decision was because i didn't want dd to see lots of men coming in and out of my life in a romantic way, and to bond with men that may then leave our life. however, as my family has grown and changed, and we have experienced relationship losses, not only through dating that hasn't worked out, i think it is much more important for me to support my kids through any losses than try to sheild them.
I also think more about relationships in general rather than just romantic relationships, my children and myself have all had friendships that haven't lasted and friends that have come into our lives for short times that we no longer see, in a way this is similar to meeting guys i may date for a short time.
If it's possible i would enjoy a date without children, as i cannot really spend much time talking with someone with my kids around, however i find that more often these days i have to plan social outings that suit me and my children.
new friendships i try and incorporate into these sort of outings now, like the date at the tavern that has stuff for kids to do.
i try and do group outings where i can hang with adults and children. often they are a mix of single people, single parents, couples and even my own parents/ fil and mil etc. if i have met a guy i want to get to know i will often invite him along to something like that where i invite our mutual friends or something, and my children are probably going to be around too. I have had to accept that i am a parent and most of my time my kids are with me.
anyway i never meet men and i have given up a bit of that sort of stuff! so i am really talking out of my...*ahem*:o
congrats on the dating though:thumbsup: sounds good so far.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.1.9 Copyright © 2012 vBulletin Solutions, Inc. All rights reserved.