So help me out guys...whats the best way to get stuff done??

[megaminz]

I have a mainly lovely DH. He adores me and our son but we have a big issue in our house...the balancing of housework and our "shares" in it.

Even before we had a baby he really didn't do much. But now its worse, since i have been home from hospital he hasn't done a single dish.

Our baby is a bit full on during the day and only in the last couple of days have I been able to have time during the day without having to sit on the couch with him to get him to sleep.

How do I get my DH to help me out around the house? I don't want him to do much, jsut some of the dishes NOT EVEN ALL!!

He does do shift work, 2days shift, 2 night shifts then four days off, he tends not to recover on those night shifts and for his four days he sleeps all day and stays up all night, where he just sits on computer or watches telly the whole time. Surely 30mins doing some dishes isnt too much for me to expect? The dogs need washing and due to my tendonitis I can't lift them to do it and he keep saying he will do it but doesn't

I still do all the shopping, laundry, cleaning etc...

HELP, i dont want to nag but you do get frustrated when nothing gets done.

So, what motivates you to help out??

oops forgot to add I go back to work full time 1st of June and I really need it sorted by then!

[SoloDad]

Hey good question, it has left me scratching my head a little.

I think you're right when you say 30 mins doing dishes isn't a lot to ask. Nor is washing the dog occasionally.

What motivated me to help out when my partner came out of hospital? What motivates me to keep doing it?

Because i want to. Because i can. Because i think i should. Because i have the time.

But none of that is practical help in your situation.

I come back to that sage old advice of communication Megaminz. Not nagging or criticising, but constant asking and reminding might help.

Maybe starting very gently by doing it together if your tendonitis allows.

Maybe filling the sink and walking him to it and then through it.

Getting him to vacuum or mop smaller areas first

Make washing the dog a fun experience for the whole family. I'm in QLD so it is still hot up here.

Maybe even try a reward/barter system; I'll do this for you, if you do this for me.

I guess what i am saying is i advocate small gentle steps in these situations. It did work very well for another lady on this site in a very similar situation to yours. And it helps to keep the peace too.

I do know shift work is very hard on the body and the body clock for some people, but the four days off should be more than sufficient recovery time.

If all else fails, can you afford a dishwasher?

[misskittyfantastico]

Have you talked to him about it? My DH does his share because and I quote "It's only fair, innit?" Sometimes if I'm feeling particularly swamped I'll just say "Help!" and he will.

[megaminz]

thanks for your replies.
I have written letters to him before explaining that I need the help, and lately I have said to him on more than one occasion "I am not coping at the moment I really need your help" and then ask him to do something he says he will do it in the morning, so come the morning I ask again ...nada...then I ask again and get told that the more I ask the less he feels "motivated" to do it.

Being irish/croatian thats the point that I tend to pop and say that I am hardly motivated to clean the toilet but as I am the only one who will do it it needs to be done.

But I am trying to be better. ahhhhhhhh I don't know what to do.

I agree four days off should be plenty but how to get him to adjust his sleep on his own???

[MikeM]

My wife and I share our household chores, probably not quite 50/50 but we are working on it.
I've found that it helps to have a roster or list, we've divided the rooms of the house for example I am responsible for keeping the kitchen clean, cleaning out the fridge, microwave, oven etc... and she cleans the bathroom and toilet. We each do our own laundry, though she does all the towels and sheets, and I do all the vacuuming in exchange.
It works for us and makes it easier to see who is not pulling their weight.

As a reformed slob I can tell you that my wife used to get quite frustrated 'gently reminding' me to do my bit, which I saw as nagging. It wasn't until she explained to me that her nagging is actually my fault that I started to change. If she has to ask me to do something, that is me not taking responsibility for myself and our household, if she has to ask me again, that is because I didn't listen or act the first time. The truth is that you shouldn't have to ask him to participate in household chores, he should do them as a responsible individual, if he eats he should wash up.

It's not your fault that he's not motivated, it's his fault for not taking responsibility in his life. If he wasn't living with you he'd still have clothes to wash and he'd manage to do it somehow.

Another thing is I didn't even realise all the things my wife did, so maybe writing a list of all the things that need to be done around the house to keep it clean would be good as he might not even know.

Cheers,

Mike.

[megaminz]

thanks Mike, maybe I will try the roster list on the fridge, I don't want much done just the dishes and the dogs!!

Its very frustrating cause every dish in the hosue has been used and whilst I could chip away at them in the few minutes I get during the day when the kid is down, I have given in and done it before and we just get back in teh same situation.

But now the house is a mess and I just need a hand, I have a friend coming to visit on Tuesday so hopefully that might help him get cleaning! He likes people to think that we are always tidy!!

[sockstealingpoltergeist]

My wife and I share our household chores, probably not quite 50/50 but we are working on it.
I've found that it helps to have a roster or list, we've divided the rooms of the house for example I am responsible for keeping the kitchen clean, cleaning out the fridge, microwave, oven etc... and she cleans the bathroom and toilet. We each do our own laundry, though she does all the towels and sheets, and I do all the vacuuming in exchange.
It works for us and makes it easier to see who is not pulling their weight.

As a reformed slob I can tell you that my wife used to get quite frustrated 'gently reminding' me to do my bit, which I saw as nagging. It wasn't until she explained to me that her nagging is actually my fault that I started to change. If she has to ask me to do something, that is me not taking responsibility for myself and our household, if she has to ask me again, that is because I didn't listen or act the first time. The truth is that you shouldn't have to ask him to participate in household chores, he should do them as a responsible individual, if he eats he should wash up.

It's not your fault that he's not motivated, it's his fault for not taking responsibility in his life. If he wasn't living with you he'd still have clothes to wash and he'd manage to do it somehow.

Another thing is I didn't even realise all the things my wife did, so maybe writing a list of all the things that need to be done around the house to keep it clean would be good as he might not even know.

Cheers,

Mike.
:iagree: I also would say to him, do you have to be asked 3 times to do something at work?
Isn't our home life just as important, and don't we both deserve some time out?
I would also say I can leave everything tll the morning and then the next too, and then nothing would get done.

[misskittyfantastico]

thanks Mike, maybe I will try the roster list on the fridge, I don't want much done just the dishes and the dogs!!


Maybe you could grab a whiteboard marker and COVER the fridge in the sentence "Wash the dishes and walk the f#$%ing dog!!":p

[bigbadbrad]

The funny thing is that Tabula's suggestion would work on some men! Many would go nuts but some require a slap in the face to realise it is a bigger problem then they first thought

I think listing all the chores (particularly when you do most of them) is a good idea

Good Luck
BBB

[Jakois]

Maybe you could grab a whiteboard marker and COVER the fridge in the sentence "Wash the dishes and walk the f#$%ing dog!!":p

:laughing:. Maybe I could use that idea to get my boys to clean their room. Well maybe not with the f***ing part in it..:laughing:

[bennyh]

I haven't been on the forum for ages…..but had to reply to this thread.

Helping out around the place is a basic element of parenthood. In my case, doing stuff around the house was my way of getting out of bathing, nappy changing, settling. My monopoly on that changed as my DD got older.

In your case, it may work to sit down together and write a list of the weekly tasks, agree which ones have high personal value and which ones have low personal value to each other. A dirty cup may be high value on principle, but the reality is the world is not going to stop if it doesn’t get washed up. After that, simply agree to who will do what each week and use that as a start. Don’t expect the world to change overnight…it won't

In my case for example, I agreed to do the garbage, recycling, food shopping and I also agreed to tidy up behind me around the house. Note, I didn't say 'clean' up behind me…there is a difference.

Now while I'm committed to my responsibilities, I do of course help out with washing up….every now and then….when the football isn't on the telly.

Small steps and good listening ear first.

Oh yes, and this goes for both parties in the longest and strongest of relationships, a 'thankyou' costs nothing and shows respect and gratitude.

I certainly wish you well

[lovelymummy]

I used to feel that I should do all the housework as I was at home with bub, but quickly realised that I just wasn't coping.
I could say all I wanted, write lists, letters - whatever.
He only helped once I stopped trying! Yes, the house looked like it had been ransacked and bombed & turned upside down, before he pitched in. I also said in one flustered moment "it must be so nice to get to go to work and work 9-5, I wish I could just lay down after 5 and stop working!" but he actually helps now when he's at home - which is nice, although I still have to ask/remind for stuff to be done... at least now he complies without the whining!
Another trick is, invite his Mother over for lunch when the house really needs cleaning - he'll pitch in quickly, even if it is only moments before she is due to arrive!!!! Works a charm!;)