Questions about donating

[Kit]

Hi guys,
I have been thinking about donating eggs for quite a while now and have a few questions... Thought you might be able to help.
I have always wanted kids but need a donor in order for this to happen. Over the last several years I have thought about adoption, anonymous donors and known donors. My preference was to use a known donor but unfortunately no one that I felt comfortable asking was able to donate for me. So I decided to look into anonymous donors who agree with the possibility of contact once the child is 18.
I live in Sydney and I don't think this is an option here (cannot use anonymous donor sperm at Sydney IVF and anonymous sperm at RPA doesn't have the possibilty of contact option guaranteed). So I have been travelling to Queensland for my doctor's visits and to undergo the required couselling.
Obviously this process has made me keenly aware of how much of an impact being unable to have children can have. As a result of this, I felt that it was important to me that I consider donation, if I were ever asked. The more I have had to think and wait, the more strongly I have felt about donating and I have decided that I will donate, regardless of whether I am asked.
What I am now wondering about is whether anyone ever donates to a family, who is able to donate in return? In some ways this would be perfect, as you would always be able to explain your child's genetic background, have access to medical history, even (hopefully) have easier access for your child to meet their biological "other parent" or donor. I can only assume that when donating eggs, a certain amount of contact must be made? Would that make the recipient family more inclined to understand/empathise with my own desire to use a known donor? And would they be more prepared for the implications of a successful 'donation' pregnancy? Having presumably had months/years to think about such things as they search for a donor of their own?
On the other hand, this would make any successful children full siblings. Would that make things infinitely more difficult? Or would it help the children understand? With anonymous donor material, depending on the state, there may be as many as 9 other families with half siblings. With no way of knowing them, would that be harder than knowing one family with full siblings?
I am really just clearing my head here. And hoping that some of the lovely people out there, who have been going through such issues, may have some thoughts or advice for me.
Thanks, anything you have to share would be greatly appreciated. Positive or negative.
Kit

[mauve]

Hi Kit, interesting idea.
I'm in NSW and need donor sperm as well. Have you tried all clinics in NSW? Might be worth an email to them all to check where they stand. Have you thought of advertising for a donor and then getting to know them via email/phone/then in person? Known donation doesn't necessarily need to be someone you actually know IYKWIM... Your child can still have periodic contact with them if that's what they agree to.
I may be searching for an egg donor in a few months so am currently learning as much as I can about this as well.
I don't have anything much in the way of advice. Which order were you thinking of doing this? You donate your eggs and then receive the donor sperm? I guess if you did it the other way around and you were successful, you wouldn't be able to donate your eggs until you'd finished breastfeeding (if you BF). The only thing I can think of is one of the standard questions counsellors ask EDs. How would you feel if you donated your eggs and the recipient was successful, then you were unable to fall pg afterward?
Just another thing to think about isn't it?
I look forward to following your story!

[provencein3]

Hi Kit

I am interested to see the responses you get as well. How old are you?
could it not be possible to egg share...don't know that its done here but if both parties are TTC'ing easiest way I guess...only issue then is what if one gets pregnant and the other not from the same batch of eggs.

[Kit]

Hi Mauve/Kim.
I was thinking about the order last night, after I posted the thread. I suppose it would be hard either way. If you used the donor sperm first, then the donor family would have a prolonged wait and the additional distress of (hopefully) seeing a successful pregnancy. Perhaps it would be better to donate your eggs first? But then, as you said Mauve, it might be hard to see a successful pregnancy if you went on to have difficulties conceiving.
I had wondered about the egg sharing idea. I suppose that there is still the real chance that only one family might be successful. But then again, if you are both using (presumably?) similar quality eggs and sperm, is it more likely that your own body is playing a larger role on the ability to conceive at that stage? That might make it easier to be happy for the other family, rather than to question whether it might have been you.
I would like to think that I would never begrudge someone else falling pregnant and that I would simply be happy for them, and feel encouraged myself. After all, you have access to the same sperm and eggs, and presumably a successful pregnancy increases your own chances? I honestly do not think that I would feel distressed but I can only imagine how I would feel, really. I am sure that the emotions are far stronger once the situation is real?
Has anyone out there got any feedback on sourcing known donors through the newspaper etc? I know of a friend who uses a known donor, but he has told her that he has donated for many families. I guess I have a concern about how many half siblings may be out there, as this might be difficult for a child (or adult) to deal with. I suppose it's a matter of taking the time to get to know the donor and ensure that they are honest, and have the same ideas towards as yourself?
It's all so difficult and I really feel for anyone having to go through this.
Kit

[Kit]

Sorry Kim, forgot to answer your question re: my age.
I am 30.

[sarahstarfish]

Hi Kit

I guess as a purely logistical question, it makes perfect sense...just when you add people and emotions into the equation that it starts to get a bit shaky hey.

Egg-sharing is not done in Australia so that isn't an option.

I have donated twice, onto my third go with someone very special, and I have to say in complete honestly I could not have contemplated doing this unless my own family was complete. There is such a tiny tiny chance of something going wrong and your own fertility being impacted, but enough of a concern for me. So I would have to say in your place I would want to have my own child first, and donate second, just in case.

Clinic-wise, I think clinics would be concerned at the blurring of lines between egg donation in return for sperm donation. The whole point of altruistic donation is to donate for no other reason but the chance to give, which couldn't be said if you were expecting something else in return? I just can't see many Counsellors giving the thumbs up to that.

Perhaps the major impact would be on any children conceived, being full genetic siblings, and how you would manage those relationships, between donor and donor conceived person, and between siblings themselves.

I suppose it's a matter of taking the time to get to know the donor and ensure that they are honest, and have the same ideas towards as yourself?
It's all so difficult and I really feel for anyone having to go through this.

Here here, taking the time to make sure your donor is who they say they are is just so important. At least going through a clinic can sort so many of the questions out for you re health checks etc, but at the end of the day, only time can let you make that right decision about their suitability, their motivation and their future intentions.

Good luck.

Love

Cindy