Extremely curious about becoming a donor

[Sweetbabe]

Hi girls,

This is something I have been giving alot of thought ofver the past few months. The fact that I keep thinking about it makes me want to know more and more. I have been reading just about all of the posts on here about donations and from also the recipients or couples awaiting their Angel.

I guess I still have lots of questions and hopefully some of you will be able to answer them for me.

I have 4 children already and although I still have this yearning in me I know that my partner definately wants no more children. And I know that when I truely think about it, it is the right thing for us.

Still, I have plenty of viable eggs that I do not need and another woman or women out there would love to use. I think being able to give my eggs to create a beautiful everlasting gift for another family would be just perfect.

What I guess I need to know is am I romanticising (sp) it all. I understand that there is alot to go through as a donor and it's not just cut and dry.

For the girls out there that have already donated, how do you feel about knowing that you inadvertantly have another child out there. I know that you shouldn't be thinking of it as "your" child either. Do you see this child? Or do you think it's easier to have no contact at all? Do the hormone injections make you go feral? (LOL) something my partners scared about. When pg I get terribly hormonal and also when AF is due.

I think, well atleast now, that I would like to know of the recipients childs developement and achievements - that sort of stuff. How can you be sure that that is what is going to happen. I mean I'm sure people go into this thinking "oh yes we will keep in contact" and then just don't. What if the the recipients lifestyle becomes very undesirable?? I know that you have no legal holdings over the child but what if they no longer wanted the baby... A far shot I know and I'm sure that doesn't happen too often, but what if??? Do you think it would be/ or is/isn't easier living in a different state?

Sorry if my questions seem stupid. I guess I just have so many unanswered questions in my mind and I just blurted them as they came out.

Thanks in advance for any replies girls. I hope I haven't offended anyone :)

[Roxy]

Hi Trish!!

Lots of good questions there - and all the sorts of things that you need to have worked out before really making the decision to walk along the donor path....

At the moment, my recipient couple is nearly 16 weeks pregnant with their first baby. 99% of the time I am thrilled that they are going to be able to have their dream of a baby of their own fulfilled. There are times though (1% of the time), that I do have a small amount of panic about what I have done....only because of the unknown stuff. I have chatted to my couple about it, and we are both sure that there isnt anything that could make our relationship difficult in the future...we will be having regular contact.

The hormones affect people differently - some dont cope at all well, and others breeze through. Personally, I didnt have too many hassles with the hormones.

You do need to rely on the recipients to keep their end of the deal with contact - if they dont, then there really isnt a great deal you can do about that....what you can do is make sure that you are easy for future children to find.

I deliberately chose a couple who were interstate from me - we could have as much or as little space to be our own families as we needed. It's hard though, as we have become such close friends that it would be nice to be able to see each other more often, but it also makes the time that we do get to spend together a bit more special. Whilst I have no plans of donating to another couple, I am not sure "if" I did again if I would go with a more "local" couple...

Oh - and there are no stupid questions when it comes to egg donation. Every question is important in making sure that you make the decision that is right for you.

[Melanie&Lucky]

Hi Trish :wave:

It is wonderful that you are considering becoming an egg donor. To help you make your decision and see whether it is the right thing for you to do or not, a suggestion would be to contact an IVF clinic to see if they can give you more information about the process or even visit them for an appointment.

At my clinic in Qld, there is no cost for potential donors to go in, speak to nurses or councillors and find out all the information that is required. I don't know if the process is the same for you, whichever state you live in. This would would give you all the information upfront, and give you an insight into what is required to help you make your decision.

There is also another forum called Aussie Egg Donors and there are a number of women on that forum who have donated before also, as well as on this forum. I guess the more information you collect, from all different aspects, the more you have to help you decide whether this is something for you or not.

Good luck with your decision.

[sarahstarfish]

Hey Trish

Oh gee, bless your big, dear, precious heart. You've given this a lot of thought already it seems, good on you. And no, as Roxy said, there are never ever any silly questions...in fact, better to ask and ask and ask and have it all straight in your heart and head I reckon, than rush in and have things go pear-shaped.

What I guess I need to know is am I romanticising (sp) it all. I understand that there is alot to go through as a donor and it's not just cut and dry.

Wow, you go girl, yep, some potential donors are so caught up in the roses and chocolates of giving someone the chance to have a child that they don't stop to really think about what is involved, about the future, about the treatment etc. I don't think you are romanticising things at all, in fact, the contrary. The hormonal treatment (usually pills, nasal spray and then needles) differs in reactions for everyone....but seems to be that once you make that commitment to go ahead, just doesn't seem to be that much of a big deal given the bigger picture - does that make sense? I've had bad headaches and crankiness from the spray but is pretty easy to put it in perspective. The jabbing is probably the easiest part and only towards the end do most donors start getting that heavy, period-type feeling in the ovary area. Depending on how you go under anesthetic, and how many eggs you have, EPU can be anything from minor discomfort to full blown pain for some women, and there is also the concern of ovarian hyper stimulation for a very few donors, but clinics are very aware of this and monitor people accordingly it seems. So yes, medically it is quite a big slice to take on for someone else. However I think it is emotionally that it really makes you think - is a huge thing to give away the very unique part of yourself, to give your children genetic half=sibligns etc, and to have in some way a responsibility of being someone's donor and what that might entail in the future. BUT, is well worth it if you decide to go ahead.

For the girls out there that have already donated, how do you feel about knowing that you inadvertantly have another child out there. I know that you shouldn't be thinking of it as "your" child either. Do you see this child? Or do you think it's easier to have no contact at all?

There are two children, and one on the way, conceived from my first donation. Yes I see them, no I don't htink of them as 'mine' but I am very aware they have my genes, and they are related to my children, they both share half the same genes. I have a very good relationship with my first recipients and we talk once a week - there isn't any awkwardness cos we talk very factually about it all, and I hope to maintain that relationship well into the future.

How can you be sure that that is what is going to happen. I mean I'm sure people go into this thinking "oh yes we will keep in contact" and then just don't.

You take your time in getting to know them and don't go ahead until you are very very sure that what you see is what you get. When you see recipients around the boards, you get a very good feel for how they 'really' feel about it all. Even the questions they will first ask you in private tell you what they themselves are worrying about eg. "How much do you want to do with the child? Do you want a part of the child's life?" might indicate they are uncomfortable with ongoing contact. So you just need to take your time and make sure they are really the sort of people you want to donate to, and that as much as possible, you are sure you are getting the real deal.

What if the the recipients lifestyle becomes very undesirable?? I know that you have no legal holdings over the child but what if they no longer wanted the baby... A far shot I know and I'm sure that doesn't happen too often, but what if???

No, you have no legal right to any children conceived, but in the huge number of real life stories I have been privy too, no recipient has ever not wanted their donor conceived child....infertility, hundreds of thousands of dollars in treatment, heartache and trauma yes, unwanted children, no. IF this did happen, just as in your family, the child would go to guardians chosen by their parents. You might as a donor want to contest the courts, hasn't been done before but everythign is possible, but to be brutally honest, as a mother I would want my children going to the people who KNEW them the most, not the donor they didn't know much about at all. So as in all things with donor conception, put yourself in the child's shoes and have a wander about in them and see what they might want, what is best for them in any of these situations we worrywarts dream up.

Do you think it would be/ or is/isn't easier living in a different state?

I don't think it matters unless donor/IP has some contact issues, wherein they may be happier living in different states.

I think you are doing the right thing, just keep askign and making sure you are comfortable with your own decision, and then when you feel you are ready and know what it's all about, get a list ready of what sort of things you might look for in your recipients, and start looking! But honestly, take your time, just take your time and get it right the first time.

Love

Cindy

[Sweetbabe]

Thanks girls for your replies, they sure do help alot. I have joined Aussie Egg Donors too and although I haven't started posting yet I plan on it today.

Cindy your reply tells me heaps and I will really take it all on board. Anesthetic generally makes me throw up something shocking, although because I already know that anytime I have needed surgery they have put something in with it to stop the vomiting. Thank God, nothing worse than throwing up after having an op.

The more I think about the more sure I am that I would like some contact with the recipient and child. Afterall this child with be my other childrens genetic sibling and I don't see why they should miss out totally on potentially knowing there half brother or sister. This is a decision made by me as their mother and I don't want it to impact on them later on in life knowing that they have another sibling out there and not getting the chance to know them. KWIM?? I'm not sure if this is a reasonable expectation or not...

Thanks again for your replies girls. I know I have more questions, I was thinking of them the other day, but of course sitting here now I can't think of them :)

[sarahstarfish]

Hey Trish

Oh yeah honey, we DO know what you mean. It was a huge thing for me to make a decision that impacted on my children and any lives yet born, so hear you loud and clear. I have photos of my own kids with their genetic half-siblings, all of us together...is just a photo, but the story behind it is very special.

Good on you joining AED, but to be honest, is great you posting out in the open here at hubub and asking those fantastic questions that so many others are a bit scared of asking, so hope you keep your story going here as well, is so very helpful for others to see someone else's journey, warts and all.

Good luck Trish.

Love

Cindy

[Sweetbabe]

Thanks Cindy, I guess that is me Warts and All. I have a tendency to just blurt things out sometimes, just say what I am thinking. It can get me into trouble sometimes or should I say it has gotten me into trouble over the years. As I have gotten older I have learnt to be abit more careful, although generally in life things aren't as censored.

I will be of course sharing my journey as far as it goes with all of you lovely girls. I am hoping that this journey ends up with many happy people :)