Sharing our 3 month old

[anikasmummy]

My ex and I generally get along really well, and I've been letting him see our 3 month old daughter whenever he likes, sometimes at my house, sometimes I go to his, sometimes he has her a few hours on her own... and 2 times now she's slept over.
He tells me (and I do believe him) that our bub is perfectly behaved whilest she is there and mostly sleeps. But she comes back to me and is very unsettled, crying for no apparent reason and wanting to be fed frequently (I am breastfeeding).
He doesn't believe she is unsettled because of being away from me because she is fine whilest with him, but I don't know what else to put it down to. Im going to discuss it with the health centre next week but in the meantime would love to hear from anyone who's been in a similar situation, sharing an infant with their ex.
Thanks in advance!

[Bubmum]

Little babies need their Mummies, especially if they are being breastfed. Two hours is about the limit for your baby, at this stage, to go without the close comfort of Mummy and the boobs. Is he feeding her EBM?
I could never leave Dd with my ex, he was too scared to even take her out for a walk on his own, bless.. I would try to get housework done while they played/hung out, and I know bubs would need me as soon as she got upset.
How are you feeling about leaving your baby? It would be good for you to get that break, but it has to be a situation that works for everyone. If you are stressed, she would be picking up on this.

[anikasmummy]

I do feel a bit pressured into leaving her with him more then I'm comfortable with. He believes what is best for her is that she gets to bond now with both her families and spends a lot of time with each, but I'm with you (and probably the majority of people) babies need their mums. All he sees is that she's happy when she's there but she's coming back to me out of routine and really unsettled. He fed her formula the last time she stayed over but it made her really constipated and I would rather keep her on breastmilk.
Argh its a hard one because I don't want to keep her from him, but we're disagreeing on whats best for her and he tends to think I overreact. As far as he's concerned she's a 'perfect' baby who sleeps well and never cries.... don't I wish!

[Jakois]

I do feel a bit pressured into leaving her with him more then I'm comfortable with. He believes what is best for her is that she gets to bond now with both her families and spends a lot of time with each, but I'm with you (and probably the majority of people) babies need their mums. All he sees is that she's happy when she's there but she's coming back to me out of routine and really unsettled. He fed her formula the last time she stayed over but it made her really constipated and I would rather keep her on breastmilk.
Argh its a hard one because I don't want to keep her from him, but we're disagreeing on whats best for her and he tends to think I overreact. As far as he's concerned she's a 'perfect' baby who sleeps well and never cries.... don't I wish!

I am not a single parent, but just wanted to offer you a bit of support:hugs::hugs:.

Especially with the bit I highlighted.

Your Ex introducing formula against your wishes is a huge concern.

I strongly suggest seeking some legal advice as to making some firm parenting orders.

[amandaw]

I'm not single either, but did just want to say that that could be perfectly normal....both of my children have been incredibly happy and settled while I'm not around (either with DH or Grandma or FDCer) yet the moment I walk in they can turn into sook bunnies!

Yes they definitely need their Mum's (especially at 3 months!) but I do think that your ex does have a point in that she does need the oppertunity to bond with both families - especially if there is no reason (ie violence, illegal activity, whatever else) not to. Also as she grows up I'm sure you'll appreciate the wonderful bond and trust she has with his family (as well as the fact that he obviously cherishes the child he made with you)...I'm sure many of the other single Mummies on here would

In saying that I do think you need to come to an agreement of how much contact, when's most appropriate, and on all of the specifics (ie routine, EBM etc so that she can transition between all those who love her as easily as possible :hugs:)

[SPC]

Babies need to attach securely to one person for the first year or even two years of life. This is particularly true at night. Your baby is likely to be bewildered by the change over at this age. It's not surprising she is quiet with her father, if she's confused, and then gets distressed when you return, as she then reaises what was wrong!

Babies need consistency, routine and to feel secure. If I were you I'd talk to your child health nurse, and maybe even a child psychologist who specialises in early childhood. There will be a way to sort this out, but if it's making you uncomfortable then it's wrong for you at the moment. You'll find much has been written on attachment theory, and the research will support your role as primary carer in the first year and also the value of exclusive breast feeding.

I have to go back to work soon, so I put Esme into daycare one day a week at 4 months, [for 4 hours], two days a week at five months, [still only 4 hours], and at six months she's now there two days a week for 6 hours a day. She is coping well, but she now knows I come and get her everyday. We 'rebond' on the train home and she feed and we have a cuddle and it's a routine that's working for us. I think the fact that we are so closely bonded means she's quite a confident and independent baby. I think the slowly, slowly approach is needed with babies as they are naturally conservative.

[anikasmummy]

Thanks for the advice everyone!
You've all pretty much reaffirmed what I already thought, its nice to hear from outsiders who have the same opinions it's given me a bit more confidence knowing that I'm on the right track. My ex is going to come to the next appointment at the health centre and I'm sure everything will get sorted out there and we can come to an arangement thats best for everyone. :)

[Bubmum]

That is wonderful that he will come along to see the health nurse. It is also wonderful that you can work together to parent your little daughter..Just don't be talked into doing anything you aren't comfortable with. Baby needs YOU. I get stressed when Dd's needs get put ahead of grownup's selfish wants . And I know this stresses her out no end. As they say..a happy Mummy means a happy baby. Stick to your guns with the no formula rule...No one should get in the way of a breastfeeding relationship. I know expressing can be hard, but if you go to the breastfeeding threads or ring the ABA, it can be worked out.
Oh, and I second everything SPC said..

[MummyDaddy]

He believes what is best for her is that she gets to bond now with both her families and spends a lot of time with each.

Wrong. Experts say - short frequent contact with the FOB is desirable. It is not desirable to have a new baby away from her mother for as BubMum said - longer than 2 hours. You probably need to go to mediation to get this resolved.

Good luck :hugs::hugs::hugs:

[SoloDad]

I agree entirely with Phoenix Rising. I have had considerable custody of my daughter since she was 7 months old. I had to go to court to get it, and my case set a few legal precedents.

I was armed with research from some of Australia's and America's leading researchers (mostly women).

It's a pity that the two of you can't be together or at least in close proximity during his time with the child as it seems to me that would solve a lot of the problems.

I have a great deal of professional advice (all current) and much of it is what the courts refer to in making decisions about what is best for the child. It does conflict with some of the advice given to you by the other ladies however.

If you are interested, please PM me and i will try to email it to you. It gives recommended times and comprehensive reasons why. It might also help to show it to him, as it is easy to read (non scientific) and has simple and easily understood explanations why.

Because much of it is what the court reads, it might be beneficial to you if the two of you can't agree and your situation deteriorates. The extra stressors of court action (if it goes that far) are probably not what you need right now.

[tallara]

if baby is staying over night or for longer then a few hours then the formula being fed may make baby more settled ( we had a foster baby that slept like an angel- formula is magic for sleeping lol)... as breastfed babies tend to need more feeds etc...

however it might be that the baby is re-adjusting from one parent to another... my youngest was like this- she would be settled with anyone and everyone other then me and a right pain for the first hour until she was secure again that i wouldnt leave her... but it was also the timing-she would go to someone else in the daytime and be alert and going out and playing etc..by time back with me it was rest time and she was tired and irritable and needing extra feeds and cuddles to settle..

also if you are upset or nervous or anxious when she gets back she will be feeling this and feeding off it

[SoloDad]

Hey Tallara, you make some very helpful points from someone else that has actually been there. Having read your post i now recall that what you said was also very relevant in my situation. We experienced very similar behaviours. The Midwives, Clinical Child Psychologists and all the others we had supplying support and info to us said exactly the same.

[Bubmum]

It's a pity that the two of you can't be together or at least in close proximity during his time with the child as it seems to me that would solve a lot of the problems.



SD, Anika'smummy has said that they are spending time together, and he has even stayed over a couple of times. It sounds like he is wanting some "alone" time with bubby. "Alone time"???? I have been watching way too many episodes of the Batchelor!!!!! When did you have your Dd on your own? What helped swapping between the two families?

[HunterzMummy]

I would prehaps suggest very frequent visits. Even to bath and put her to bed a few times a wk. Then every sat or something take her out for a couple of hours to visit with family etc. If he wants whats best for her maybe he should do some research. I am sure he is a great father but sometimes being a great parent is putting aside your wants and desires for what is best for bubby. And really to expect her over night at this age not even the courts would agree to this..

Best of luck hun :hugs:

[SoloDad]

Bubmum, you're right, what a goose i am. I seemed to have overlooked those sentences.

Sorry i haven't seen the "Batchelor".

I'm hoping i understood your question correctly when i answer it here.

Up until my daughter was 7 months old i spent a great deal of "alone" time with her. We went on many outings together for a few hours at a time.

We slept together alone frequently. If she woke hungry i would get up and take her to her mom when she was breastfeeding. But the breastfeeding didn't last very long.

We never swapped between families even after we separated. Our daughter was either with me or her mom, no one else, ever.

[anikasmummy]

Thanks so much everybody for your replies and advice, I've been a silent observer of the bubhub forum since I became pregnant a year ago, I don't know why I waited so long to speak up with my questions (and I have had plenty I would have like to have asked!)

Armed with many of the points you've all given me, I spoke to my ex this morning, and we've agreed that keeping Anika in her routine so that she feels safe, secure and happy is our first and foremost priority. He also agreed that whilst I'm breastfeeding her, regular visits of over 6 hours are not ideal.

[SoloDad]

Good on both of you. Something the courts continue to emphasise (until some of us feel brow beaten with it) is, "In The Best Interests Of The Child".

That appears to be what you have both done in your situation.

[annie0712]

I also separated when baby was very young. And I entirely agree with Solodad and Phoenixrising. Short frequent contact is the way to go, my DD was 3 before she started having overnight contact time once per week with my ex DP. She is now 10 and stays 1 night every week and every second weekend, and 1 week of each school holidays. But while she was a baby, he saw her 5 days per week for a 2 hours at a time. I wouldn't stay with her as our mine and exDP relationship not exactly amicable, but 2 hours away from me did not seem to distress her. It also coincided with her breast feeding every 3 hours. That worked for us anyway, although we were lucky that we lived 5 minutes from each other.