When you met as parents..

[faroutbrusselsprout]

Dh and I were disecting a few isssews on a long car trip this afternoon.
We managed to have a fairly civil conversation about SS (11) and my "feelings" toward him and why our relationship is so.......crappy..

One thing that came up is the fact that DH and I met when we were both already parents.
I think I feel still a little insecure in our relationship as I have never had the chance to be "first" in his life.

I admitted I had feelings of jealously toward SS as I know I who he would chose in the old "if we were both falling of a cliff and you could save one of us" scenerio.

DH then admitted he would save DS before me as well! SO now when this baby is born I will officially be fourth in line in his life saving off cliffs! :o

Although we had a laugh and I adore the fact the DS and him are truly so close... I can't help mourning that fact that I will never was or will be the first one he saves...:(

We never got those years of just the two of us worshipping each other and saving each other off cliffs...

*sigh*...
I'm just being overly emotional today and having a cry about all things I can't change and how I ended up being a step mother to a kid I can't connect with, my son having a father he's not biologically related too, losing a precious baby girl and being absolutely terrified of having this baby...:crying:

[sockstealingpoltergeist]

:hugs:
I hope you are feeling better soon.

My DD is not my DH's bio daughter, and I would save both my children first too.
I would be worried if you were having a child to a man who didn't get how precious children are. So I think you are lucky.
However you are pregnant so entitled to some ranting and raving.:)

With SS, have you tried to connect with him, by doing something he likes every week just the two of you. Like watch a movie together or play a game, or something like that?

Best of luck I hope you feel better soon.

[faroutbrusselsprout]

Thanks SSP.
I don't often rant and rave but feeling a bit sorry for myself today! I hope I'm first on my Mum's "saving from a cliff" list..

I have been in a bit of denial over the last few months about my relationship with SS. I've just been concentrating on being pregnant.
But I do know that I have to sort it out.
It's all reared it's ugly head again now as he's staying for a week on Wednesday (as opposed to 2 nights every 2nd w/e) I feel sick and anxious about it....:(
To be honest in regards to your suggestion, the more time I spend with him the more our relationship suffers...
I find it really difficult to be around him.

[kyannas*mum*]

after reading through your posts beachmum about the hard time your feeling with you ss and the whole ex situation i was very hurt and pretty defensive about the situation,

but after reading this one im not feeling that now just feeling sorry that you are having to go through all of these feeling, i hope you can get things sorted out for the sake of your family before it goes to far.

being a child of a step family i understand what is going on, in my case i had a great relationship with my step mum, she never made me or my sister feel unloved for the fact that my mum and dad had us together and this was often talked about and joked in kind ways,

she always said from the start she knew she was starting a relationship with not just a man but also us as well and that is something you knew when you meet you dh that he had a past,

its just very sad for this son to be hated and talked about so badly just for the fact of his parents, i no if my step mum treated me this way that it would of impacted greatly with my relationship with my dad as i would not want to visit him noing i was hated for no fault of my own.

i guess maybe im just lucky in the fact that i have parents that cared how there actions affected us then and now, my parents never ever said a bad thing about each other to us children, we never felt tension there had never been a parenting agreement through the courts, they just both agred what was right for us and kept it going and it has made it so much easier through life,

in saying this i also see the bad side which is my dhs family, also split they had a horrible time with there stepmum, she never accepted the kids into her life and put up great barries to the point of every single gathering we had always ended in a fight between his mum and step mum and dad because she felt his kids were taking away time from her, she was even jealous of him spending time with his grandaughter, we never ever felt comfertable being at there house because of her and her negative vibes.

im saying this because although your situation doesnt sound as bad its not nice for a child to be in this situation, it has affected there relationship with there dad and being caught in the middle for your dh as my fil said there is only so much hate that wife feels for you kids you can take, your ss will always be a top priority in your dhs life as well as you and your children, but it will eventually drive him away the negativity you feel for his son, its only now that fil realised the sort of person she was and left her that dh and his brothers and sister have a good relationship with him.

so please get this sorted out and try and let go of all that you have up your dh loves you and is with you and his ex is and ex for a reason, they had a child together yes but this doesnt have to be a bad thing and can be a great addition to you family and kids.

[SweetSerenity]

I know it's hard, especially being pregnant, dealing with conflicting emotions.

Rather than focusing on the "who would you save first" scenario, feel privelaged that your DH has chosen YOU to HAVE children with.

He has married you, is spending the rest of his life with you and creating children with you.

I know it's hard not being "the first" but being the first isn't everything, being the last is the important thing... you will be the last love of his life and that is even MORE important than being the first.

Like STP said, you're also very lucky you have a man who sees the importance of children.

Any parent should choose their children in that situation (the cliff scenario)...it's not a bad thing.

I also hope your relationship with your SS can improve for everyones sake.

I'm very lucky in that my partner ADORES my son to bits and my son adores him.

Maybe once you've had bub you should maybe seek some counselling to work through your issues??? It will only damage you and your step sons relationship more if it isn't resolved.

All the best :hugs:

[JabberJaw]

Who would you save? Your husband or your child from another man?...................

I would save my kids. My kids come before ANYONE.

Your feelings are irrational, why is it ok for you to have been a parent before you met your Husband, yet it not be ok for him? How would you feel if your husband spoke/thought about your own child as you do of his son? Your Step Son....

You need to seek councilling to overcome your issues before the consume and ruin not only your own life, but the innocent Step Child.

[talia11]

Misskelz77 - I think your comments are rude and unwarranted and totally unhelpful.

Beachmum thankyou for your honesty and I appreciate your situation totally. I too have an 11 year old stepson who lives with us full-time and with whom I do not have a good relationship for various reasons.

kyannas*mum* I totally understand what you are saying - the other night my best friend gave me a 'talking to' on the same subject, saying that as a step-child she can understand how hard it is to accept a step-parent but I will say there is absolutely no comparison whatsoever. I am also a step-child and being a step-parent to a child is one of the hardest things I have ever done - especially if there bio parents break-up was not amicable as is the case with my DH and his ex.

Beachmum I am also pregnant aswell and can totally understand your grief and feelings - yes they may not be 'right' in the eyes of some - but you recognising them is a positive thing.

Please PM me anytime for a chat.

[kyannas*mum*]

im sorry this is on my phone so i cant get spaces and is quite long. talia i understand what your mean about it not being the same in regards to being a step child to having one i was just meaning i understand the situation, i can imagine that the whole thing is very difficult and my step mum has talked about how hard things were not being 1st etc and my sister was very difficult with her for the first 5 or 6 years, but unfortunat ly that is the nature that comes with being with a man with kids and my dad told my step mum from the very start we will always be there no matter what she feels and you have to accept that and work with the situation as it will never go away no matter how much you want it to., i just want to show you all how much this negative attitude has on family and the kids, i love my family to bits and would spend every day with them, i love them for the fact they always put us number one and everything they done parent wise was for us. On the other hand dh would prefere to skip anything family related as he nos the outcome he often says how hurt he feels by the way they acted and only thought of themselves and is amazed when he sees the way my parents are with each other. Also saying your dhs previous children can be a great asset to your future kids is absolutly correct i have 2 little sisters that i love and adore and my children love to bits and if the were made to feel like they should hate us like your children will pick up on i would be devestated. I just really hope things can be sorted out as this situation can cutse hurt forever

[JabberJaw]

Misskelz77 - I think your comments are rude and unwarranted and totally unhelpful.

.


I dont believe that my comments are unwarranted at all actually. How would you feel if you had split with your DH and Beachmum was your child's step mother? I imagine you would change your tune then.

My daughter is a stepchild, she has a lovely step mum (thankfully) i would be disgusted if a step mother had such ill feelings towards my child and totally resented my child for unwarranted reasons (such as my bio child not being the 'first')

As i said, the OPer needs to seek counseling, this is not her first post on the negativity she has to her step child, and she should take steps to correct them before further damage comes to the 'step child', or her relationship with her DH for that matter. My respect would go greatly for my partner if he had such negative feelings toward my children of a previous relationship. The fact that she is carrying a child to this man makes it even more necessary to seek help before her relationship is damaged beyond repair and another child's life is disrupted due to ill feelings.

This is a public forum, if the OPer didn't want to cop some real 'truths' then she wouldn't have posted.

If i was the mother of the step child posting how my child was being treated while in the care of its father and its 'step mum'....you would be disgusted at it all, i am certain.

If the OPer wants sympathy or 'i know how you feels' she wont be getting them from me. There are millions of step children in this world and they certainally dont need negativity off a step mother who needs to get a grasp of reality, and get over herself.

JMO.

[talia11]

I dont believe that my comments are unwarranted at all actually. How would you feel if you had split with your DH and Beachmum was your child's step mother? I imagine you would change your tune then.



Basically I am just gonna say that until you yourself have been in the situation - don't claim to have any understanding of what a step-parent themselves actually feel because I guarentee you it is not anything like what you may imagine for most people.

[frayzlilso]

Beachmum - :hugs: I'm not a step mum, but I understand the sentiment of what you're saying.

It *is* hard that the 'fairytale' beginning can never be, and our relationship histories are ever-present. And sure, it's all part of the reality, but I think it's okay to be a little whistful about what 'might have been'.

Even as a biological mum, I will always put my little girl first and I dont for a second regret that, yet I empathise with your feelings because I wont have that 'first' with my DP, which does sit as a sadness.

I think I would empathise if my ex were to repartner and she were having difficulties ... or similar thoughts ... it's only natural to want to be the first, even if it can never be, but still love and still care for the children ... still accept the reality.

After all, it's real life. We react and respond to things in ways that arent always PC or how we'd *like* to be able to feel and/or respond.

I just wanted to put in my two cents, and also - :hugs:

[JabberJaw]

Basically I am just gonna say that until you yourself have been in the situation - don't claim to have any understanding of what a step-parent themselves actually feel because I guarentee you it is not anything like what you may imagine for most people.

I am a step parent to a 8 yr old girl, who i love as much as my own kids :D I would never hold it against her that her father was in a relationship with someone before me.
As with OP , when me and partner went into the relationship, we where both parents, we also have our own children....no child is treated differently, nor do any feel any animosity. Anyone that feels as OP does needs to seek help.

[sunnyflower]

Beachmum,

I am not a step parent myself but have had a step parent so i feel i understand a little of the dynamics.

I think that for most people ,the expectation that you will love a stepchild as much as you love your own is as unrealistic one.

Your own child is your flesh and blood,a step child is someone else's.

It is particularly hard if your personalities clash because if they are not your flesh and blood ,you have nothing to fall back on.

I think if you just take time and continue to discuss your feelings you will get there in the end.

It took me and my step dad years to like each other.

To the posters that have been a bit nasty,how would you like being told to suck it up about your problems?

[UsThreeGirls]

Beachmum,

I am not a step parent myself but have had a step parent so i feel i understand a little of the dynamics.

I think that for most people ,the expectation that you will love a stepchild as much as you love your own is as unrealistic one.

Your own child is your flesh and blood,a step child is someone else's.

It is particularly hard if your personalities clash because if they are not your flesh and blood ,you have nothing to fall back on.

I think if you just take time and continue to discuss your feelings you will get there in the end.

It took me and my step dad years to like each other.

To the posters that have been a bit nasty,how would you like being told to suck it up about your problems?

:yes::yes::yes: Well said.
I am an Ex SM and I understand how you feel.
Also with pregnancy hormones, well amplify everything.
Misskellz77 thats wonderful that you are so great as a step parent but I don't think you are reading the post correctly.
Beachmums said they had discussed her "feelings" towards her stepson. Not her behaviour or actions.
All she was really venting about was who would you save first and the fact that her and her current partner had not spent time just the 2 of them before kids. Also take into account she has a child as well which I'm sure she does not regret..... just a lament probably caused by pregnancy hormones.
Can no one have a rant without people jumping in to tell of their own perfections.

[faroutbrusselsprout]

Wow..:(
I thought this post was dead and buried..
Thank you for all your replies.

Thank you to those who understood my point about "mourning" the fact that DH and I never got to have a time where it was just us.
The whole "cliff" scenerio was rather tounge in cheek and a metaphor for me to explain my feelings of insecurities that still lie with the relationship.

I really didn't want to enter another thread about my SS as I am doing the very best I can with what I have to give at the moment.
I am not going to bother defending myself on this issue. SS is fine, he is loved by his mum and dad and cared for greatly when he is with us.

I entered this relationship with my DH fully prepared and willing to be a step mother. Since losing Matilda my reality has become somewhat warped and has seen the relationship with SS diminish further.

I am proud of myself for owing up to these feelings toawrd DH's past life and SS and recognising that they are irrational. I am in councilling to try and work through them.

I wasn't after sympathy just some other mums who may too be finding "meeting as parents" a really tough journey.

I am just so lucky I have the most amazing, understanding DH who is supporting me through all my "craziness". :o

[SoloDad]

Hi Beachmum, i'm not a step parent, but my partner is.

I have a suggestion that might work, but it does depend heavily upon your own circumstances of course and i know little about those.

Maybe you and the SS should have some quality time away. Not just a day or 2, but a very long weekend, or even a week. Doing something that is fun and enjoyable for you both.

Being together one on one for a lengthy period of time forces bonding sometimes with no outside interruptions, influences or distractions.

As he is 11 years old, he is still at an age (in my opinion) where this can still work effectively.

Hope it helps.

Misskelz, that was a bit harsh. I do get the point you were trying to make and the advice you were trying to give however. But on Bubhub you need to try to temper it somewhat. Trust me, I know. I have made the same mistake of speaking out, believing i was right (and possibly was), but did it in entirely the wrong way. I'm still learning, as it is a new way of communicating for me.

[Jakois]

I am glad that you have a DH who is so supportive.

Blended families can be very tough going and finding that balance is difficult for even the easiest of circumstances.

I am lucky that I have a fabulous DP who is great with my two boys, but it has not always been smooth sailing.

There were teething problems early on whilst we all tried to find our own perfect balance.


I see that you mentioned you are already having some kind of professional help. I guess it's all just a matter of finding what is going to work best for you:hugs:.