Help me - husbands addiction

[helpmeilost]

I am not sure what to do here, and I am too ashamed to admit who I am.
I am a regular hubber, asking for help.

I have been married now for a year or so, and have two children to my husband.

When we met six years ago, we were both drinkers, him more than me. Though when I fell pregnant, I stopped, but he did not.

He drinks every week, a bottle to two bottles a week. He does not drink everyday, as his current job has alcohol testing, but I am sure if we could afford it he would.
He does not physically hurt me, but his rude digs, jealousy and temper hurts me emotionally. He is not always 'drunk' but just ran out of booze so he turns narky.

I have just been out to the shed and found 3 empty scotch/bourban bottles hiding in a cupboard.

He does not think he has a problem, and believe he can stop at anytime, but of course won't.

I am not sure what to do, I love him dearly and do not want to leave him, but I do not think I can handle this hurt.

Please help me.

[JabberJaw]

Got no advice, my husband is also an alcoholic, i kicked him out about 5 or 6 weeks ago. Best thing i have ever done. The choice is now his...he can choose us and get himself help or he can stay as he is and have limited contact with his kids...

You can ring AA, they have counseling/meets for family affected by alcohol.

My husband was not abusive either, but he did lie about drinking saying blokes that he did work for brought him a carton or what not, in reality he was hitting his boss up for advances. So basically our whole family was suffering and going without, one day something clicked and i thought that i am not going to take it anymore. My kids miss there dad but he does call over after work some days, and all round there behavior is improving as they have stability (my hubby was getting very erratic with his parenting depending on his alcohol consumption and his mood of the moment).

Good Luck, i dont really have advice but i know exactly how you feel. Feel free to PM me anytime :hugs::hugs::hugs:

[helpmeilost]

I guess he knows I love him and realises I do not want to leave him.
I am thinking about going family AA meets, maybe that could help me and in the end help him.
I am so scared of losing him, but yet so scared things will just stay as they are.

[sockstealingpoltergeist]

If things stay as they are he will probably just keep on going.

What incentive does he have to change?

I'm guessing he hasn't allways been like this and it has gotten steadily worse?
It will probably just keep on getting worse, and it will happen little by little.

By saying and doing nothing, you are enabling him and creating a sense of normalcy around alcohol abuse. Do you want it to be a normal part of your everyay life?

I think you know that your children and you deserve better ten this. He has a problem and nothing will change unless you take charge of your life and tell him enough is enough.

[JabberJaw]

Totally understand. I love my husband too, but i realised i loved the man he use to be, not the man he had become. It took me a long while to realise that too, i would say maybe a good 3 years with his drinking progressively worse. In the week i kicked my hubby out he consumed
3 cartons of beer, 6 pack of wild turkey cans, 6 pack bourbon cans, 1 bottle of home brew rum.....and thats only the alcohol i knew about. As you can imagine it was very financially crippling. A few years back it was a carton a week and and odd 6 pack, which i could handle.
My husband also believed i would never leave nor make him leave, sadly he was very very wrong. This will either make or break us, and i am fine for it to go either way. I dont want my kids growing up with an alcoholic father. My kids always come first so the choice was easy. I had a plan B too if he wouldn't leave, i had been scrimping and saving secretly for some time incase it came to me needing to leave.
I was also scared of losing hubby or things staying as they where, unfortunately things got worse so that was when it hit home.
Ultimately the choice is yours what you decide to do, but i would definitely give AA a call and see if they have any options into persuading you hubby to seek help, my husband refused.

[~Bec~]

Just some more hugs from me :hugs:
I don't really have any advice from you but as a former wife to someone who has a drinking problem I can certainly empathize with you. ExDH was the only person in the world who could apparently be at the pub for hours and be sober :rolleyes: He would sway and slur his words when he told me this. I could tell exactly how drunk he was but how he held his beer, where he would direct eye contact, his stance etc.

[JabberJaw]

I agree 100% with SSP. Wise words :yes:

[helpmeilost]

I have decided to write him a letter, I think it will be easier to express myself.

[helpmeilost]

I do not want to leave him, I want this to work out. I remember some vows I made and I do plan on sticking to them.
Yes I do have my childrens interest at heart, they do not see the man I see, they see a loving father and that he is.

[delirium]

If things stay as they are he will probably just keep on going.

What incentive does he have to change?

I'm guessing he hasn't allways been like this and it has gotten steadily worse?
It will probably just keep on getting worse, and it will happen little by little.

By saying and doing nothing, you are enabling him and creating a sense of normalcy around alcohol abuse. Do you want it to be a normal part of your everyay life?

I think you know that your children and you deserve better ten this. He has a problem and nothing will change unless you take charge of your life and tell him enough is enough.

:iagree: People with addictions only change when they hit rock bottom. From his POV he doesn't need to change bc he's still at home, getting cooked dinners etc.

I do believe people can change and your hubby can get sober. But he needs a reason to.

If it were me I would tell him he either enters rehab (which has a higher success rate than outpatient, and cutting down or going cold turkey at home) or he moves out. That's just me though. I totally understand your commitment to the marriage and wanting to hang in there, but under present conditions it doesn't appear he will change.

:hugs::hugs::hugs:

[Mum2Bug]

I can understand you not wanting to leave. This man is your partner, your soulmate, the father to your two children.....you WANT him to be the best man you know that he can be. Alcohol is such a hard thing to get past...it helps them to hide any pain they are feeling but they dont realise the outside effects it has on their family, their friends, their relationships, their every day life.

If he used alcohol in the past as a coping mechanism, it has probably just ingrained itself into his every day life. My ex boyfriend was like that. He HAD to have 6 beers every night, no less, and over the years it just became habit to the point he COULDNT break the cycle. 5 years after i left him he is STILL doing it. Losing his partner just wasnt enough, losing his job wasnt either. Your hubby needs to get the help NOW before it goes any further. He wouldnt want to lose you and the kids, he just doesnt know HOW to accept that what he knows as normal, isnt, and that he is going to need some help. And that is the first step. ACCEPTANCE. Accepting that the new life he has made for himself does not need to be tarnished by the past. That YOU and the KIDS are his NEW LIFE. He doesnt need his past coping mechanisms. He doesnt need to continue that cycle into this life and turn YOUR family into something it doesnt need to be. YOU ALL deserve to be happy and HE needs to realise that the happiness will come within once he is willing to maket the changes to his current lifestyle.

Good luck. I wish you all the best :hugs: And I hope he is able to accept what he needs to do and get some help for ALL OF YOU

[~Bec~]

I do not want to leave him, I want this to work out. I remember some vows I made and I do plan on sticking to them.
Yes I do have my childrens interest at heart, they do not see the man I see, they see a loving father and that he is.

I totally appreciate where you're coming from but you have to also ask - is he sticking to his vows? It takes 2 to make a marriage. There's only so much you can do and there's only so much in your power to change. You don't have the power to help or cure someone of a drug addiction.

At the risk of sounding like Dr Phil, there are something that are 'deal breakers' in a marriage and I think alcohol addiction would fall into this bracket.

I don't think the other PPs or myself are saying Leave Him! Leave Him! Just don't expect anything to change if things stay the same :(

[helpmeilost]

I will be telling him tonight, or tomorrow (he is working late tonight) that I can not do this anymore.
The more I think about it, the more it hurts me.
I do not want it to be over.
Man I hope he can change.

[Mum2Bug]

.........in sickness and in health.............. those vows apply to this too hun :hugs:

You are in so much pain witnessing this, i really hope your family can sort this out.

[MamaKoala]

I will be telling him tonight, or tomorrow (he is working late tonight) that I can not do this anymore.
The more I think about it, the more it hurts me.
I do not want it to be over.
Man I hope he can change.

:hugs:Good luck tonight. I don't have any advice but I have experience with addiction in my family.
I was just going to point out what Bec's said, he is not upholding his part of the marriage by making your family environment toxic and unbearable.
I really hope he decides to get well and learn how to cope sober. He will miss his childrens' life and the life he has with you if he isn't aware and experiencing things through the alcohol haze. Your children also do not need to grow up thinking this is normal behaviour because then the cycle may continue and he may be inflicting alcoholism on your children as a result.

Let us know how it goes. I really hope this is the first step in recovery for him and you.:hugs:

[bronny-jane]

my dh drinks every day, after work.. i dont see it as an issue, but if you do, perhaps se if he is willing to compromise... instead of drinking every night, how about start with 2 alcohol days a week...

just let him know how much you'd appreciate it, as the drinking and behavior is becoming an issue...

or maybe turn it into a friendly 'dare or competition'
say i bet you cant go for one week with out booze, or even just drink 3 days a week for a month..

see what happens..

[helpmeilost]

my dh drinks every day, after work.. i dont see it as an issue, but if you do, perhaps se if he is willing to compromise... instead of drinking every night, how about start with 2 alcohol days a week...

just let him know how much you'd appreciate it, as the drinking and behavior is becoming an issue...

or maybe turn it into a friendly 'dare or competition'
say i bet you cant go for one week with out booze, or even just drink 3 days a week for a month..

see what happens..

Does you DH drink 2-3 bottles a week, plus 'roadies'?

DH has been drinking this much now for years, it is now more habit now.

He has been away the past few days, so I am leaving him my letter tonight. Wish me luck.

[~Bec~]

Does you DH drink 2-3 bottles a week, plus 'roadies'?

DH has been drinking this much now for years, it is now more habit now.

He has been away the past few days, so I am leaving him my letter tonight. Wish me luck.

:hugs::hugs::hugs:
Although it may not seem it at the time I believe that things always working out for the best in the end. :flowerz:

Good luck :)