Please help with delicate subject!

['Lil Mumma]

Hey Ladies,

I was just wondering if you could help me with this delicate subject.

A good friend of mine from work who is 21 weeks pregnant is in hospital and loosing her bubs, she has been having bloody mucous for 2 days and went to the hospital to get checked out and discovered she is dialating (i am guessing an incompetent cervix?). They tried to put a stitch in the cervix to stop it but with no luck. She is in labour now and fully dialated, the baby is still alive, but being only 21 weeks the baby wont survive. I am heartbroken for her.
We used to always talk about our pregnancies together (I am 34 weeks) and now I dont know how to support her and dont know what I should do as I dont want to be a reminder of what she should still have.

How should I go about supporting her and her husband in this hard time?

[PinkBinkie]

That is terrible, very sad. All I can say is to not turn your back on her, no matter how hard it is. She needs very supportive people around her. I remember after being involved in a pretty bad car accident, people who I thought were my friends completely ignored me. Obviously they didn't know what to say or felt uncomfortable seeing me like I was. It was very hurtful. I'll always remember those friends that came and visited me, brought me flowers, and tried to bring some happiness to me. So your friend will treasure your support now, and will remember that you were there for her.

[xkwzit]

How awful for your friend, I guess you won't know how she will deal with you and your pg until you ask her. But I agree with BLucy, don't assume that she doesn't want to talk or see you...just let her know that you are happy to support her in anyway she feels comfortable with.

I read some still birth stories in the paper on the WE and the one thing they all said was that they were glad they had spent time with their babies and wish they had taken more photos. I have heard of a woman who specialises in taking professional photos of still born babies. I have no idea where she is, but maybe the hospital or the stillborn and neo natal death ppl (SANDS)? could help you with where to start looking for someone like that. Maybe that would be a lovely gift, but you'd want to discuss it with her, to see if she's comfortable with that.

Cheers

['Lil Mumma]

Thanks for your advice. I cant think of anything worse than just waiting until the baby is born and then to watch the life slip away.
I dont want to turn my back on her but I dont know if it would be harder for her to deal with being comforted by a pregnant friend. Obviously I wont be flaunting it around her. I just wish there was something I could do.

Is there any gesture I can make that may help her, either now or once the baby has passed?

['Lil Mumma]

Hey Ladies,

I just wanted to let you know that My friend SMS me and she lost the baby last night. Are there any conforting words I can offer her?

[*Chels*]

Im so sorry to hear about your friend losing her baby:crying:
I find it hard to know what to do in these sorts of situations,and there will always be people that throw round silly cliches like"you can always have another one" etc.these dont help!
i would just say that you dont really know what to say,but you will be there for her and listen when she wants to talk.just knowing that you are there for her will be a huge help.
big hugs to you both.

[whitsundaysmumma]

Lil Mumma, no words at the time can help, but what did help me was touch. A hug means so much. It is the support after she leaves hospital that will be just as important. Cooking a meal, Buy a plant. Oh, it brings me to tears. Sometimes the world is such a cruel place.
But don't ever feel bad because your pregnancy continues, your friend I'm sure wouldn't want that.:hugs:

[MumsieMel]

i think you should still go see her and be there for her, if she feels too uncomfortable with you im sure she will let you know.

But make sure she knows that you are there for her :hugs:

[Percy]

Im so sorry for your friends loss, and for you.

I have been in a very similar situation, and even though we might think it must be awful for them to still see us pregnant, it can offer them a little bit of hope. They get to see that it is possible to go on and have a healthy baby.

Im not too sure about the words of comfort, but just be there with lots of cuddles and a sympathetic ear.

[Little_Toad]

Maybe do something like plant a tree or rose bush in her babies honour and then take her to go see it when she's out of hospital.

I'm sure shell be more than happy to see you.. she's not just your friend cause you are pregnant.

[candlelover]

hey girls..let's not give up on the baby yet my neice was only 575gr born at 21 weeks and today is a healthy 7 years old.. while the baby is alive there is life lets all say a prayer or light a candle in support of this mother and child.

[xkwzit]

LilMumma,
I'm not sure whether it helps, but I think I would like to be reminded that I was still, and will always be, a mother, even though I was not able to "mother" my lost child.

HTH

[Angelinalily]

Big Hugs to your friend - she and her partner have just started a long and painful journey.

My advice would be to ring her first and offer your support that way. Just be honest and tell her you can't imagine what she is going through and don't quite know what to say, but you're happy for her to talk/vent whatever. I would just ask her if she would be comfortable with you coming to visit, and take it from there.

Cards and flowers are always appreciated just as a way to let people know you are thinking of them, so maybe start with that. As the baby was 21 weeks, there will probably be some sort of funeral, so you could ask if they need any help organising that.

To be totally honest - when I lost a baby at around the same gestation, I didn't really want to be around pg people for a while. I was still extremely happy for them, it was just too painful. So if your friend seems to feel that way don't take it personally - keep ringing or texting/emailing.

Helpful things for me - were people who didn't avoid talking about my baby, used baby's name, remembered my due date & anniversary.

Let us know how your friend is getting on.

[Bel1978]

Thanks for your advice. I cant think of anything worse than just waiting until the baby is born and then to watch the life slip away.
I dont want to turn my back on her but I dont know if it would be harder for her to deal with being comforted by a pregnant friend. Obviously I wont be flaunting it around her. I just wish there was something I could do.

Is there any gesture I can make that may help her, either now or once the baby has passed?

I have lost 2 babies this year and i know of at least 4 people due in September when i was which does make me sad but my sister in law who i see her kids every week is going to make me a god mother to Leonardo who is 2 months old yay and my best friend who has Keira (3 1/5) months lets me cuddle and hold Keira when ever i want.. And we go on shopping spree's yes she's only 3 months but im sure she loves the toys and clothes.

What im trying to say is make sure you still keep her close as im sure she will love your baby too. You cannot change what is happening and try not let it upset you as in my case im sure my friends will get hold my baby when i have one and will love them too.

[CarolineF]

A colleague of mine gave birth to still born twins very late on in her pregnancy sometime ago. I had no idea and asked her how they were and felt dreadful when she told me. :gloomy: Rather than shying away embarrassed I started talking to her about it, and she thanked me and gave me a hug for talking to her about it rather than walking away embarrassed.

She said that people practically crossed the road to avoid talking to her about it and it hurt her very much as she just wanted to talk it out as part of the mourning process. People who she thought were her friends did not contact her out of embarrassment.

Your friend will need support, and will be thrilled that you are still in touch with her.

[Leslie]

I agree with what everybody has said - your friend contacted you to let you know that she had lost the bub - you obviously are someone she feels able to share this terrible time with. I can't imagine what it nust be like to ber her, or to be a friend trying to support her. If it were me, I would really need that hug - and remember, the eyes can say so much - don't worry about words yet - you obviously want to be there for your friend, and I'm sure that you will do fine. Don't forget, it is still okay to celebrate and enjoy your pregnancy - don't feel guilty for what you have. I am sure you will be sensitive to your friend......

[mich71]

2yrs ago i was in that position my best freind had a still born at 26wks but it was because the baby was inconpatable with life. a week after she lost her baby i found out i was p/g i didnt tell her i just listened to everything she had to say no matter what it was i ended up lossing that baby but i didnt tell her till after she will go through differant stages beinging so sad then really angery just let her get it all out and be the best freind you can be dont talk about your pg unless she askes thats all i can say its not an easy possition to be in but your support can only help her

[chindonly]

My heart goes out to your friend, this is going to be a very hard exp' for her:-(
Just be there for her, dont try and avoid her because she will need your support so much now!
Maybe encourage her to come onto BH and find other mums who have been through a similar exp' who can empathise with her completely. That would help her alot.

Hugs to your friend!

[Bel1978]

2yrs ago i was in that position my best freind had a still born at 26wks but it was because the baby was inconpatable with life. a week after she lost her baby i found out i was p/g i didnt tell her i just listened to everything she had to say no matter what it was i ended up lossing that baby but i didnt tell her till after she will go through differant stages beinging so sad then really angery just let her get it all out and be the best freind you can be dont talk about your pg unless she askes thats all i can say its not an easy possition to be in but your support can only help her

At the same time you shouldnt have to hide your emotions either, I have lost 2 this year and would always listen to you if you had a problem, no matter what i was going through. My friend started Bleeding with her bub (bub was fine), at the same time i was told my bub had too many problems and couldnt continue. But i was alway there for her as the same she was for me.

[Briannabear]

Is there any gesture I can make that may help her, either now or once the baby has passed?
Oh your poor friend. :crying: I havent been through this so I havent got any great advice for you on how to handle the situation.
However Im not sure if its been suggested yet but maybe you could make some meals for them and take them over. I cant imagine she would be in much state to think of cooking at the moment. I know its only something small but it may just help that little bit if you know what i mean. :hugs:

[mygirls]

:hugs: to you & your poor friend...this is such a hard time. We had a friend who lost there little man 7 weeks before he was due & it was heartbreaking for them..ring her & let her talk & tell you how she feels or how beautiful her baby was/is. I did that with my friend, ijust listened, our words to them aren't as important as what they want to say iykwim. My friend had a private (her & dh only) service for there little boy at the hospital, so maybe just ask 'if' they are going to have a funeral does she need any help etc. We bought a lovely bunch of flowers which we had delivered...ask your florist for ideas too & i guess the only other thing i can say is not to say 'i know', we dont. I read that in a 'Baby loss' pamphlet once in the hospital & it was the best thing i knew when talking to my friend about the loss of her baby...

I hope this helps some...:hugs:

Kristy

[Michaela]

I am really sorry to hear of your friend's loss. I lost my son last year at 27 weeks - he was stillborn. It is very hard seeing pregnant women and babies after going through something like that. One of my closest friends had a three month old at the time I had my son and I think she felt like you. Not knowing what to do she simply avoided me and as a result we have now lost contact.
Definitely call your friend and speak with her over the phone. She needs your support now more than ever. This is not something that you just get over in a few weeks - my counsellor at SIDS and Kids tells me that the average grieving period after the loss of a child is 12-24 months. Given that you are close to having your own baby you are both coming up against some hurtles. So I would advise being gentle and continue to be honest with her. Tell her how you are feeling about all of this. She will let you know whether and when she feels up to seeing you. She's just started on a real rollercaoster of a journey and sometimes it will just come down to how she's feeling on the day.
Good luck.

[Hokey Pokey]

I'm so sorry to hear of your friends loss. My aunt lost her baby girl at about the same time, I was with her when she was born and found the best thing was to just hold my aunt and cry with her.

[mum2nearly3]

I am so sorry to hear about your friend.... My mum had a still born at full term and it really knocked her for six. I can talk to her about it now (18 years on) but at the time I can remember how down she was (I guess it was post natal depression) I think the hardest part for her was the funeral. It was the first time I had ever seen my dad cry. My brother and I were shown a photo of my Little Brother and his hand and footprints which mum treasures.

I guess the best thing you can do for your friend is be there for her. If she wants to talk - listen to her, if she wants to cry - even cry with her...(I know I have cried for her loss) . That little baby angel will always be part of his/her parents heart.
Big :hugs: :hugs: to you and your friend.