PLEASE HELP!!! My Mother Won't Leave

[FOURtunate]

For you to understand this, I have to start from the beginning. My Mum was adopted, and since she found this out at age 10, she has used this as her excuse for all of the bad things that have happened to her. She married at 17, to move out of home. Had me at 18, and divorced my Dad when I was 3. She then began a vicious cycle of drinking and sleeping with lots of men. Unfortunately, I know all of this by memory, not from what I have been told.

She fell pregnant when I was 5, and married a wife bashing alcoholic. They had 3 kids together. Then she finally left him 10 years later, and we went to a refuge. Despite all of that, she went back to him, and I moved out. She left again, when he embedded a silver wine goblet into her skull. Since then, she has been a victim. Constantly staying at peoples houses because she has dramas with people she lives with, money, jobs or anything else she can whinge about.

My dilemma is that she is still my Mum, and I really feel that she needs my help. But she has been at my house, uninvited for over a week with no word of her moving on. And today, she announced that she'd do some shopping on MONDAY!!!! My husband can't stand her. And she doesn't help with the kids, housework, or even answer the phone if it rings.On top of all of this, she somokes like a chimney, and doesn't contribute at all financially.

She uses guilt to get me to help her. And always brings up how she has no choice in her situation, and that she has had so many things go wrong for her, and so I owe her. I am scared that if this continues, my husband will leave me. Or worse, that my kids could end up like her.

How do I get tough? I have already got her a job, and possibly a place in share accommodation. What more should I do? The hitch is, that if I tell her to leave, she has nowhere to go but back to her loser alco boyfriend. So either way I'm either taken advantage of, or guilty if she's in a bad relationship.

Need some moral support!

[lukesmama]

My advice would be firstly, you need to realise that she isn't your responsiblity. Sure we all look out for family members (good or bad) but there is always a line to draw when to stop helping and let them make their own mistakes and eventually (fingers crossed) they will own their mistakes and take responsibility for it and themselves.
Ypou are a wonderful daughter for helping your mum the way you have. I think you should tell your mum about all the things you've done for her like the job and accomodation, and let her do what she feels is best for her. If that means going back to that scum bag, it's her decision. I9 know it sounds harsh, but remember you tried and thats all you can do.
All the best.

[misskittyfantastico]

I agree with lukesmama. Your mother is in control of the choices she makes. She is emotionally manipulating you and will continue to do so for as long as you allow her to.
I would tell her (calmly if possible) that her living with you is hurting you and your husbands relationship and while you are there to support her, you think it's time that she move to the share accommodation.

The way she reacts is up to her. I know this sounds harsh but you have your own family to think of:hugs:

[MumOfTwoBoys]

First of all - :hugs:

You are a wonderful caring responsible daughter that's being manipulated in the worst possible way. You are right, she is still your MUM but how about you are still her daugther? What kind of mother is she if she literally ruins her daugters life? She may claim that "so many things go wrong for her" but it is not your fault: it was her to bring home that alcoholic scum , that was her to bring all those different men home, all in front of her little daughter. Choices? The only choice she could not make was to choose her adoptive parents. Everything else WAS her choice. We must be responsible for our actions.

If we are to speak about guilt that I'm afraid it must be her who should feel guilty of robbing a child from childhood. You already did for her much more than she deserves, you don't owe her anything. Stay calm, talk to her openly, speak clearly in short sentenses and actualy say everything you think is appropriate in simple but strong words. And remember - you are there to help, if needed, and not to clear up the mess she created out of her life.

Good luck.

[worms]

I really don't know what to say but wow I wish you luck. I kind of get the dilemma, she is your mum so you feel you need to help her and she sounds like the kind of person that will use it against you or put the guilt trip on you if you tell her to leave.

It's hard for you but I agree with the other replies, it may sound harsh but you have to tell her to go. Just think, if she stays it will probably ruin the relationship you have together now and obviously you care for her.

My only suggestion is to cement accommodation for her. Have it all ready for her to move in and even give her 2 weeks rent or fill the place with food (if you can afford it). Then tell her you have organised it for her so she can have her own place and not have your family in her way. Basically have it ready for her and make it sound like you are inconveniencing (sp?) HER by her being there. I hope that makes sense. Hopefully then the guilt trip won't be as bad.

Unfortunately you are just going to have to put your foot down. Good luck.

[brooke]

:hugs: :hugs: Big Hugs to you

sounds like you are in a very hard place at the moment
I agree she does need to move out but I wouldnt say straight away.
She obviously needs some support right now and has come to you for that.
Maybe try and speak to her and tell her if she is to stay for a while she will need to help out as much as she can and have some type of plan of moving out on her own.
I wouldnt think that your dh would leave you over caring for your mum and he should try to be a little more understanding.

good luck and I hope things get better for you soon.

[FOURtunate]

Thanks for everyones advice. I guess I need somebody to reinforce what I already know.

But, as with all situations, there is more to the story. DH, and I have been together for 11 years. In that time, My Mum has stayed with us for on average of about 4-7 times per year. The longest stretch was 5 months, last year. At that time, we also had my sister staying with us. My sister contributed financially, supported us with the kids and eventually moved on. But Mum stayed for the whole 5 months without contributing a cent toward bills or food. Just the occasional takeaway, or milk (for her coffee!!!) and bread.

DH has been incredibly supportive. He is a wonderful guy, and I've been really lucky because I don't think many other guys would take the things that he has. I am concerned that in the long term, after the kids have moved out, and Mum is still coming to stay, that he will have enough and leave.

I don't really know whether to get really tough, and say everything on my mind, because I think she wants me to so that she can be the victim again. But what else can I do? She is trying cause trouble between DH and I. Last night, she pointed out how bad it was that I went to bed hours before him. DH runs an online business, and works during the day, so this is inevitable. She's also rolling her eyes every time he disciplines the kids, and pulling me aside to talk about my "strict" parenting style.

The last straw came when she had a talk to my 12 year old daughter about how it's okay to smoke marijuana occasionally! Sorry, but I just don't think that it's up to her to talk to my kids about drugs (or anything for that matter).

Despite all of this, I still feel guitly. She is my Mother, and a human being. What can I do? I know I have to get really tough, but I cannot describe how guilty I feel.

[Mamaduke]

The last straw came when she had a talk to my 12 year old daughter about how it's okay to smoke marijuana occasionally! Sorry, but I just don't think that it's up to her to talk to my kids about drugs (or anything for that matter).

When I first saw the title of your thread my first reaction was, "but she's your mum".
After reading what you've written, I still thought, "this would be difficult, but again, she's your mum".
After just seeing the paragraph above my reaction is now, "she's your mum, but this is not acceptable!"
Any person advising my children that it is ok to smoke marijuana full stop would be quickly shown the door, I couldn't care less who it was.
There's no need to be sorry for not being comfortable with this...this is not the sort of role-model you want for children.
The fact that she's having her 'two cents worth' in regards to this, your parenting style and your relationship with your DH makes me feel that she's a 'toxic' presence in your family unit.
The onus should be on your family (your children and your DH)...time has proven that no matter what you do for her she doesn't get her act together, and if the situation is left as is, she will always be taking advantage of your generousity and the guilt you feel.
I don't envy your situation and it would be very difficult - but with all due respect (to you) your mum needs to take ownership of the situation she is in and grow up.

[MumOfTwoBoys]

It's really bad that you feel guilty. Especially when you are really not. That means your mother has succeeded in making you do everything her way. Guilt is a very strong and DESTRUCTIVE feeling. I stress again you are being manipulated. You mum seems to be smart enough to see that living with you is financially very comfortable and easy: no expences, no responsibilities... She also quickly figured out that the best weapon against you is making you feel guilty whenever you try to make things going your way. Unfortunately this selfish woman is stronger then you are. She knows your soft spots and uses them in a mean way.

I'd suggest you talk to a psychologist because constant feeling of guilt can lead to very serious outcomes. You seem to be pulled in different directions with your emotions being mixed: anger and compassion, determination to do something about the situation and fear of the outcome. You are a human being too. Yes, your mother gave you life but she must not be the one to ruin it.