how do you cope with housework & life in general and DH - vent

[Issey]

At the moment I do everything in the house except mow the lawn and take out the rubbish, sometimes DH will load the dishwasher and tidy the kitchen but that is it and he thinks that is half the housework :laughing: . It has been like this b4 kids too. I asked him 5 weeks ago to put up a swing for DS and still waiting for him to buy the bolts - I will probably have to get them.

I don't know how I am going to manage when I return to work full-time next month as I don't have the spick and span house I want now and I get all huffy about it.

Wondering if others share the housework and how do you get DH to contribute more fairly when you both work :confused: . Everything feels one sided in quite a few aspects of our relationship, I am always the one that has to do and organise everything and I am sick of it. I am at the point I even think it would be easier on my own as he comes home from work in a bad mood most of the time and sits on the couch, the spark is dying down and I am tired.:( He also goes out alot and says 'well you'll be asleep anyway!' so we don't have much time alone together. Saying that I mean when DS is in bed at night, I am tired also as having to get up to DS 3 times in the night at the moment. Feeling a bit lost and also not looking foward to returning to full-time work. No choice though as I have to financially support myself, this is another issue I am struggling with.

I just wanted to get it off my chest as been in a bad mood about it today while I've been running around trying to get the house looking half tidy & clean.:ecomcity:

[the_queen]

aww lovey :hugs: :hugs:

I'm in a similar situation, I am not sure what advice to give you. Don't have such high expectations of yourself (this is easy for me because I quite enjoy being a bit of a slob :laughing:) Don't get too hung up about the housework, as long as everyone has clean clothes and the dishes are done and there's food in the fridge, don't sweat the small stuff. When you go back to work, would it be feasible to get someone in once a week/fortnight to help with the cleaning? It might be worth the $50 a week it costs you, if it makes you less stressed and gets things running a bit smoother.

I know the feeling of "it would be easier without him" so I totally understand what you're going through right now. It's not easy being a woman, let alone a wife and mother... we're so intelligent and we're stuck with these idiot boofheads!!! Maybe you could try to explain to him in a calm rational way, how you are feeling overwhelmed and would appreciate his help a bit more around the house. Then if he doesn't co-operate, just stop washing his clothes :p Cook dinner for yourself only, don't make his lunch for him, don't do any household chores that are "for him".

More hugs for you mate, keep your chin up, and vent here as often as needed.

[Issey]

unfortunately paying someone to do housework won't be an option :no:

[zenifa]

:hugs: to you Debster.
Have you tried talking to DH about this? Letting him know how you feel and that you would like to work as a team to get the housework done? As you are going back to work soon fulltime, its good to start this now and letting him know to lower his expectations of what you can realistically do in terms of organising and housework. If you do it together and divide the jobs, they can still get done (sometimes even quicker) and then you can spend time together, with DS and even have fun. It sound like you are tired and need lots of rest, but you both also need to work on reconnecting and improving your relationship.

I know its hard, and hey my DH isn't perfect either - although he does his fair share and sometimes more with the household chores, but he can come home from work moody and we have times when we've been tired and irritable with each other. You just want those horrible times to last only a short time and for your DH to appreciate you and to help out. Try talking to him. Good luck!!

[rynosmum]

Are you sure you're not talking about my hubby ? I do all of the house tidying, kitchen cleaning, washing up, clothes washing, bathroom cleaning, grocery shopping, bed making and the majority of the cooking and taking out the rubbish. I also do pretty much all of the looking after of DS in terms of having him dressed, cleaned and fed. DH feeds the dogs and mows the lawn, does the occasional vaccuum and on the odd crazed moment, will clean the kitchen.

I, like you, need to have a clean home. Trying to teach him a lesson by not doing chores doesn't work for me because not only will it only make him rebel even more, I'll go mad with the mess before he will !:mad:

We sit down and talk about it every now and again and he starts contributing a lot more. I have to travel for work 4 times a year and he looks after our son perfectly so I know he can do it. He was just brought up with someone always doing everything for him so why change now ?

We get along well though so I try and put most of my frustration behind me. I know that it's not going to change (DS is now 2 and the swing was never put up....:rolleyes: )

We do now have my MIL come in and look after DS 2 days per week and whilst she is here she does the ironing which helps a lot. I also do the grocery shopping online to save time. I tidy the house every night when DS goes to bed just because it makes it easier.

So, no real advice - just that I hear ya' sister !!:yes:

What do you mean though that you have to go back to work to financially support yourself ?

[MumOfTwoBoys]

I agree that trying to talk in a rational way is a good start. But if he ever dares to tell you again that "you'll be asleep anyway" you may try to shoot back:"Well, if you'd helped me more around the house I won't be as tired."

Oh-h-h, may be I'm just angry. But I really feel for you. :hugs:

[cwsmum]

Hmm...you all have things pretty good compared to me. I do everyting around here, including taking out the rubbish, cleaning the bin when it gets maggots:barf: mowing the lawn, feeding/cleaning up after the dog, everything inside the house...the list goes on and on...

DH goes to work, he makes no money some weeks coz of the way the shop is going lately, then he comes home sits in front of the telly, complains that he's starving,eats a whole box of pizza shapes, then doesn't eat his dinner anyway.

I ask him to do something that I physically can't do myself and either I wait months for him to do it or I get my dad or 15yr old brother to do it for me.

I'll be watching this thread for other ideas on how to get DH to do more....I stopped washing his clothes once, so he took them to his mums one day when he went to help his dad out :banghead:

[aardvark]

I find the only way I get my house clean and tidy when I am working, and still have some sort of life, is to employ a cleaner, and have someone to do the ironing.

[LeighC]

I've had the husbands and housework conversation with most of my friends and it seems that there are an awful lot of men out there who are not pulling their weight.

DH says it isn't that he won't do jobs, just that he doesn't notice the dirt (and doesn't care what sort of pigsty he lives in IMO). Can you try sitting down with him and giving him a list of jobs that are his to do each week. DH says he is happy to do things if I tell him what he needs to do, this used to drive me nuts as I would think why can't he just remember what he has to do or offer without me nagging at him. We now have a deal that if I ask him to do something he does it that day so I don't have to keep nagging. I get him to do big jobs that I hate like the vacuuming and mopping the floors, it takes him forever and a day but at least it gets done and it easier for men to cope with one big job than lots of small ones. I also taught him to cook and he really enjoys that now.

A word of warning though, don't let him near the washing machine or everything will end up pink. It doesn't matter how many times I tell him, it still ends up pink.

[MrsMiggins]

Deb, I know exactly where you are coming from!! :hugs:

Dave is shocking at doing the housework! Every now & then he will surprise me and do something without me having to ask him a million and a half times, but he pretty much is just happy to live in a pigsty & can't for the life of him understand why it bothers me so much! He even had the hide to tell me one day when I blew up because I am the only one who ever changes the sheets & towels, "but that's your job"!! :eek: I can assure you 20 minutes later he was sorry to have uttered those four words!!!

I have recently got him into the habit of cleaning up the dinner things after dinner, but only because I had a bit of a snap one night not long after we started having Claire eat with us at dinner. I lost it at him because I would make dinner & set the table, all while looking after Claire and then after dinner, I would give her a bath, bottle & get her off to sleep & into bed. Then I'd have to clean up all the dinner stuff & wash & sterilise all the bottles from the day & he'd just be sitting there watching telly or playing the Xbox!

The only problem now is that he is forever half doing the dishes (eg, he'll wash up the pots & pans that can't go in the dishwasher, but he'll leave a wine glass and two plastic containers for some odd reason!!) It drives me crazy! Then during the day he thinks that because he does this super-hero task of cleaning up a few things after dinner, he doesn't have to do anything else! Dishes get left on the counter directly above the dishwasher! Empty packets on the counter directly above the bin (for god's sake! How hard is it to put something in the bin?!:mad: )

He'll do a load of washing, but it'll be his 3 shirts he needs for work for the next 3 days & that's it! Grrrrrr!!!!

I start work again full-time tomorrow & I am dreading what a disgraceful mess my house is about to become!

I can also understand where you are coming from re: the spending time together issue. Dave thinks that quality family time is either sitting in front of the TV together, or at the very least, being in the same house for more than 5 minutes a day! He reckons he is always "too tired" when I suggest going out somewhere or doing something together as a family. This irritates me beyond belief!!

I guess I don't have any real solutions for you, unfortunately, but I am here to tell you, you are not alone!!!!!

[Odessa]

I'm sorry, but I place the blame for these lazy, useless men squarely on the shoulders of their parents, and to be precise, their mothers. Men that are raised by mothers who do absolutely everything for them quite often don't have the skill or wherewithall to help with cleaning, cooking and general household tidyness.

My DP is one of these spoilt men, his mother did absolutely EVERYTHING for him, and now he all but refuses to help around the house, and says that the cleaning and cooking are "my jobs" because I'm the woman :banghead: I work full time too, buddy!

It's unfair, but I don't know how we're going to change our layabout partners. I guess all we can do is make sure we don't repeat the same mistakes with our future generation, and raise them to think housework is EVERYONE'S responsibility, not just the womans!

[melbryan]

I found it easier when I went back to work cause nothing would get done if we both didin't help.
Usually the house is a bombsite during the week but we both get stuck in for a few hours on Sat morning and get the washing done, he does the vacuuming, floors, I do the bathroom fold the washing, he does the dishes etc. He knows his jobs and knows I get tired (7 mths pregnant) so helps alot more. Each day he feeds, and clothes after bath time and gets DS1 ready for bed while I do his bag for daycare and cook dinner.
I felt like I had to do everything when I I stayed home, I have definitely changed my tune now but I resented him for being able to get out of the house. I didn't feel worthy, so run myself ragged. I am off with my secind bub for 6 mths before I return to work for 3 days a week next year. It was less stressful to work rather than struggle for money and feel like we weren't getting anywhere or couldn't look forward to a holiday once and a while.
When I finally did go back to work I felt like i had my own money and didn't have to ask (felt more independant). We got on alot better as we were more equal and I got to have a break from the kids (i don't cope well with small children). I felt like a dag never got out of my pJ's and looked a mess never really took pride in myself, I s'pose I lost a little bit of respect for myself. Returning to work made me a better wife, mother and friend.
You don't have to do everything make them do something even if they don't do it to your standard at least let them take some of the load off you.It will be worth it in the end.I made a roster which was fair and we did it until he learnt what share he had to do.It worked!!!!!

[Issey]

What do you mean though that you have to go back to work to financially support yourself ?

I have to pay half of the bills, food etc and pay for most of DS's stuff, he will not support me and he also has a gambling problem he denies :banghead: thats why I have no choice in working.

As for the cleaning YES his MOTHER did everything for him, but he knows how to do stuff but PRETENDs he doens't and won't do it. He says it looks the same to him the house, even if I can see all the fluff on the floor :eek:

He has hardly been talking when he gets home lately and then wonders why I am not particulary interested in nighttime activities :laughing: with a grumpy, non communicative ....person!!. He did cook tea last night but other than that not really any conversation he just went to bed.

[Mummytoone]

:barf: MEN!! :banghead: