Soooo angry at DH!!! (long sorry)

[kimba80]

I am absolutely furious, hurt and in despair at DH. For the last four days I have moved into the spare room and barely speak to him. The only reason I am still under the same roof is because my parents house is full with guests. I'm 14 weeks pregnant with our first and feel absolutely stuck in the situation.

OK - here goes. I have a huge issue with porn. I know other people feel diffently, but I find it quite degrading, and I feel very self-conscious and second rate. The other half of the problem is that DH is very secretive of it, and is always on the computer when I'm asleep - supposedly on a game or studying. He is quite at home perving on some other chick when he could be with me. Our sex life is a bit dismal at times, and I really think the porn has something to do with it. We have had many heated discussions about this issue - with the last "discussion" ending in me telling him how much it hurts me and I would leave if it happened again. Please bear in mind that was the fourth or fifth time it had occurred, and DH knows in no uncertain terms how I feel about it.

The other day, I was watching a TV soapie, had finished and went to see DH in our room, who was watching TV, or so I though. DH was in the toilet with the laptop (a disgusting habit he's got into). Didn't think anything of it, until DH UNLOCKS THE DOOR and comes out. We live by ourself , and I have never heard DH lock the door before. THere is no reason for it. So I of course confront him about the locked door, instantly suspicious of why, and he denies all. Don't believe him at all, slightly crack the sh*ts and go to bed. THe next morning , he wakes up all fine, kissy kissy, and pretends nothings happening. I tell him I'm still ****ty and he says "Get over it, I don't deserve this."

That night DH is busy with martial arts, and I check the computer history. Of course theres porn on it. I knew there would be. I am so astounded that he lied straight to my face, playing totally innocent. The hypocrite - "I don't deserve this". So I sent him a text message "I found exactly what I expected to find - you liar. I hope 30 mins of pleasure was worth pain to your family." He rang me and fully admitted it, asking why I searched for it, which I told him I didn't trust him, and he had given me every reason not to trust him. We had a big arguement when he got home, he doesn't seem to see the problem, it's my problem with porn etc. He does not comprehend at all how hurt I am that he would deliberately do something that he knows would hurt me, and that I am just blown away by how he could straight-face lie to me. My wishes and beliefs are obviously worth nothing to him, he is quite prepared to step all over them to do what he wants, the selfish sh*t. To be honest, this is of a bigger issue to me than the porn, he doesn't respect my feelings at all. And the lying. I have put up with so much of his cr*p over the years, have always supported him, he has come such a long way with my help. I feel it is very one sided.

So now we are at an impass - we aren't talking, DH seems in no hurry to initiate any talking about the issue - I am always the one that starts to work through stuff. I don't want to seperate, but I see DH not changing in any way, and I can't just allow him to step all over my feelings and disregard them in this way. And how do I trust him again? How can I trust anything he says - I do believe he will say anything to get himself out of the sh*t. It makes me question what else he has lied about. I can see the situation spiralling out of control but I can't see any way of fixing it.

I do have to say that in every other way, DH is a semi-perfect husband , very loving and attentive. How can he be so two-faced and selfish?

Help required :confused::confused::confused: Kimba80

[OneNowOneLater]

Unfortunately i dont have any advice to offer, but i have this for you :hugs:

[MamaKoala]

:hugs::hugs::hugs:
I don't have much input.
Did he know this about you when you got married?
Did you know that about him?
If you feel you can't live like this then you should make it clear that it is a deal breaker and you will be leaving him over it. If he chooses to continue to lie to you and go behind your back then he is making the choice of porn over you.
Sorry I can't be of much help because although I don't like it, it has never impacted me as much as it seems to impact you.
I hope he chooses you over this fetish but if he doesn't, it's not your issue it's his as he is choosing his fate by continuing.
Feel better soon.:hugs:

[Tam-I-Am]

Kimba :( :hugs: It's such a hard issue - because it's seen as so normal within our society...and everywhere you turn, there will be women who tell you that your feelings aren't valid - that men are visual creatures who require pornography, that there's no harm in it - that there's no real 'other' woman involved so you should just get over it.

For the record - I don't believe any of the above. I believe that when there's a problem for you - no matter what that problem is - then if your partner doesn't respect, empathise, and respond - they're not being much of a partner.

I guess the only way I know of to suggest to approach this is to ask him how he would respond if you engaged in *x* behaviour - knowing full well that he didn't approve, and *x* behaviour was hurtful and offensive to him (whatever *x* behaviour would be to him) - and then liken that to what he's doing to you.

I seriously recommend couples counselling - these issues rarely go away on their own, and if you think your relationship is worth fighting for, then please seriously consider it. The only way to move forward is for him to make reparations to you - and then to start rebuilding your trust in him. If he won't do that - and you can't trust him....then I would say that there's little hope for your future together :(

I'm so very sorry you're going through all of this now :hugs:

PM me ANYtime :hugs:

[OJandMe]

No idea hun.

But I feel the same as you about porn.

When our third child was born I found out that DH had been looking at porn...

But he knows how I feel about this... and it was the second incident for us....

I've let him know in no uncertain terms... if he looks at that stuff again... I'm walking. He can have it.... he just won't have me and the kids.

I feel that strongly about it.

Those are someones daughters, someone's sisters, someones wives. Porn is about using women for male sexual satisfaction... it's about self-gratification, it's about the debasing of females to the state where they are nothing more than something for a man to masturbate inside of... it disgusts me.

So yeah... DH never lied to me about it though (after I found it).. and he knows it's a big deal to me... And I'm not going to be with someone who deliberately hurts me, then doesn't give a damn.

So yeah... I don't know what you should do... but I'd walk. If he won't even admit it's an issue... then he obviously isn't going to change.

I'd walk... but that's me. I can't live with someone who degrades women, and so by default, degrades me.... then disregards my feelings about it.

Good luck. I hope he can see how much he's hurt you and I hope he makes steps to rectify the situation.

[kimba80]

Thanks for your thoughts guys

OJandme - I was where you are at now LAST TIME!!!! I told DH in no uncertain terms .... couldn't be any clearer..... that I wouldn't stand for it. I am so hurt and confused - d*mn him for putting me in this position. And his reluctance to face the situation makes it so much harder to deal with .

[Bubs'n'Roses]

I am feeling for you in this situation. But I agree with so many of the previous posts. I too see viewing porn - in addition to that viewing, lying and hiding it - as a completely selfish and distrspectful act. The fact that your DH keeps doing it with disregard for how it makes you feel makes me wonder if he sees your threats as empty - just to scare him because you won't follow through. Which would be even sh*ttier of him.
You need to stand up for yourself here because if he doesn't care how this makes you feel you need to follow through and just go. Maybe that will jolt him back and make him realize that he should respect you and your beliefs.
Hugs and I hope that didn't sound harsh.

[OJandMe]

Kimba...

I'd leave then.

Even if you just separate while you undergo marriage counselling.

Or I'd make him leave... but if he wouldn't, then I would go.

If you've said to him last time that it's a deal breaker... then break the deal. He needs you to be consistent about this or he'll just always think you'll 'get over it'.

Walk.. and take the laptop with you. Tell him you're willing to reconcile if he gets councelling for his porn addiction, and if he undergoes marriage councelling with you.

Seriously.. I wouldn't stand for it. If it ever happens again in my relationship.. I'm walking. No questions. He knows. His choice.

:hugs: I hope he can get help for his selfishness and addiction.

[KatiesMum]

We had a big arguement when he got home, he doesn't seem to see the problem, it's my problem with porn etc. He does not comprehend at all how hurt I am that he would deliberately do something that he knows would hurt me, and that I am just blown away by how he could straight-face lie to me. My wishes and beliefs are obviously worth nothing to him, he is quite prepared to step all over them to do what he wants, the selfish sh*t. To be honest, this is of a bigger issue to me than the porn, he doesn't respect my feelings at all. And the lying. I have put up with so much of his cr*p over the years, have always supported him, he has come such a long way with my help. I feel it is very one sided.

:hugs:

To me - the part I have quoted is the biggest issue.

Porn is different for different people.... the issue is that he KNOWS how much it hurts you, how much you dislike it and find it so distressing, and he does it anyway.

It is so disrespectful and demeaning to your relationship. He thinks that his desires are more important than your wishes.

I agree with OJ - I would leave for a little bit until you can sort out your issues, and make him see that you things that are truly important to you cannot just be dismissed

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

[ILOVEBRODY]

Hi Kimba80,

I truly understand what you are going through and feel for you. I have a post which is also about my partner and what I believe to be his obsession with porn in the pre-natal depression forum under the title "advice please". If you have a chance and feel up to it, pls give it a read as it outlines my situation and saves me repeating myself.:)

Unfortunately, you are not alone sweetie. I have gone through some serrious tears and feelings of despair over this, and I can honestly say what hurt me most were his lies, betrayal and the unwillingness to give up the porn. If you love your partner and are doing something that they find hurtful, I believe you should stop doing it. If they won't or can't stop, it means there are other problems. One of those may be an addiction to porn. I have seriously been at my wits end and have been looking into this on the net and have found several websites dealing with this very topic. There are forums for partners of people who have addiction/obsession issues with porn that are very enlightening and that I have found helpful reading.

If you end up reading my post and you want to PM me, please do, as I feel I can really relate to your situation. I can give you some of the links I, myself, have found useful. Even if you just need support or to vent, I am happy to listen! Meanwhile, big :hugs:

Take care and know it's NOT you that has the problem.

[javalava]

Im going to go a different way with my advice. And please understand ive been where you are right now and felt EXACTLY the same. So im speaking from experience not lack there of.

The issue has arrised from the porn, but the porn itself isnt the problem. Its the realationship. Both of you are being stubborn on the issue, you with wanting him to stop and him by continuing anyway.

The thing is he needs to 'understand' why you feel this way. While he doesnt he wont see the issue in the way that you do. Someone suggested asking him how he would feel if you did 'x' how he would feel. While this is going the right way he wont see 'x' as what he is doing. Not until he is ready will he understand the problem. And its he who has to make a choice to change.

That said, you must take the responsiblity for your part in the relationship, and that is that you take the good with the bad. You love this man right? You should be supporting him to change so that it doesnt ruin the relationship (again when he is ready) not put pressure on him with ultimatives.

I should take the chance right now to say that ive been there, did everything you did, ultimatives the lot. And the reason im against it is plainly because it doesnt work. Bribing someone or trying to control their actions is a band aid fix.

So basically to break it down you need to go easier, while your down his throat and being so extremely emotional about the subject he wont really listen to you. He wont want to understand because he will start feeling resentment, which is already present and proven by the fact that he has hiden his behaviour.

He also needs to decide how important his realtionship and family is to him, to understand that he is in a 2 way street of give and take and should weight up what it is that porn is giving him in his life and he feels overides his wifes feelings.

These are things that a counsellor can help with. So hopefully he is willing to get some help, either with you or alone. To get to the bottom of the problem and be able to open up to you without feeling you will make him wrong about everything.

I know i will get nitpicked for this post but i think that alot of this is things we as women overlook. We have different emotions to men and will forever have issues alike to this caused by our gender differences.

[earthfairy]

The thing is he needs to 'understand' why you feel this way. While he doesnt he wont see the issue in the way that you do. Someone suggested asking him how he would feel if you did 'x' how he would feel. While this is going the right way he wont see 'x' as what he is doing. Not until he is ready will he understand the problem. And its he who has to make a choice to change.

That said, you must take the responsiblity for your part in the relationship, and that is that you take the good with the bad. You love this man right? You should be supporting him to change so that it doesnt ruin the relationship (again when he is ready) not put pressure on him with ultimatives.

I should take the chance right now to say that ive been there, did everything you did, ultimatives the lot. And the reason im against it is plainly because it doesnt work. Bribing someone or trying to control their actions is a band aid fix.
.

:iagree: 100%

While you DEFINATELY have the right to say what hurts & upsets you, he needs to take responsiblity for his problem. And that is exactly what it is - it can be a serious addiction, as serious as drugs or alchohol.

You need to support him through this too. Tell him you want to understand "WHY" he has this obsession with porn. ANd also tell him that you want to help him...

WHile my DH & I dont have issues with porn, there are other things or "problem areas" in our marriage. I found that threatening to leave & getting so angry did nothing. Talking & wanting to understand "why" helped immensley.

Sending you the biggest hugs ever:hugs:
Hope there is some light at the end of the tunnel for you.

EF x

[Looshkin]

I like many other women have been through this.
As many irc computer nerds have, DF had gigs, yes gigs of porn on his computer and although it wasn't a problem at first (because I didn't know about it) it became a problem that surfaced, and resurfaced a bit over a few years and took a lot of time and many discussions in peace time (not in a fight or argument but when we were both sort of reasonable)
Although the first time when I was maybe 16 or 17, I was incredibly hurt and confused and of course compared these tall leggy photoshopped perfect models with perfect boobs to my self and wondered what was wrong with me for him to need to look at that.

So I photoshopped them all to look like zombies /and put their faces on pictures of obese people rather than dealing with it and then did the silent angry 'whats wrong?' ' ..nothing' thing.
When he found it I'm pretty sure he laughed but I went off my head.
He tried to explain that it's just something he had done before me, thought it was totally normal.
See I didn't think it was normal when you are still having a lot of sex, but regardless he said he would delete it if it mattered that much to me. All was fine. for a few years.

Then when I was maybe 21 we would go sometimes months without sex, I was desperate to have sex and he would never come to bed with me, but would stay up late all night playing world of warcraft (looking at porn)
Anyway he had developed a total addiction and seemed to prefer to do that than actually deal with the problems we had been having, and to make the situation better, or put the work in to actually have sex.

This time when I found it I absolutely went crazy because he had been still doing it off and on and the problem for me was both the pron, which I will always hate and women can tell me they think it's normal all they want - it's not for me in a healthy relationship and I won't tolerate it - they can tolerate whatever they want.

Anyway it took a long time to work through it - but your partner needs to want to work through it or nothing will change.

Mine didn't get why it hurt me, although he could SEE it hurt me, he didn't understand it.
Now I think I used many analogies but one I remember using was - Look the problem isn't you masterbating, I understand it's a good stress relief but you don't need to look at pages of that stuff to masterbate. I understand men are visual creatures, ok so women are 'feeling' emotional creatures.
Would you like it if I went out to an intimate dinner with a man who, whilst not being sexual at all, listened to my every word and lavished attention on me, how would you feel if I used that to get turned on?
I wouldn't have done anything wrong, I didn't cheat on anyone by simply talking to another man or having dinner, but it would hurt you.

anyway I should stop rambling, this is an issue that nearly ruined our relationship - being totally real with eachother - finding a way to be totally open and honest and try to see from the others point of view was the only thing, other than time that got us through it.

[shaz77]

:hugs::hugs: to you. As you can see from the number of replies that you've had that this is a common (not acceptable) problem for many couples. My DH hid for the first couple of years of marriage, then confessed, hid it, confessed, struggled, hid it, confessed....you get the picture. He used to blame stress in our relationship to doing it, I blamed it for the stress....anyway, it is an addiction - that is not an excuse but something we all need to see, even if they want to avoid it, they will have to struggle to break the habit. I have a friend whose DH had never looked at it until they went through IVF and that got him hooked. It is something you both need to acknowledge and work through. There are books that are helpful - "Every mans battle" for the guy, and "Every heart restored" for the girl. If you are both willing to work on it, it can get better. We have now been married for 8 years with 2 children and I still ask every couple of weeks how he is going with it. Thankfully the "stuff ups" have become much less frequent, I can't remember the last time that he did it - I never thought we'd make it to this point but we have. Hang in there....

P.S. Of course he needs to acknowledge the problem and be willing to fight it - also needs to be willing to be accountable - if not to you then to someone you both trust :yes: