Re-considering my "10 year" plan...

[SassyMummy]

I decided after having DD that I would wait 10 years until having another baby. IMO, that works out best for my life.

HOWEVER...I've been watching a fair few TV shows recently, and watching families interact on them. It got me thinking about my own family, and the families of my friends, and the relationships inside of those families. The BEST relationships between siblings (generally, obviously not 100%) seems to be when the siblings are reasonably close in age.

I HATED my brother a lot of the time when I was younger. We're 18 months apart in age. I'm older. Still, while I hated him sometimes, I LOVED him the other times. He was funny...and an idiot and we could joke about stuff. We still do.

I also like that when we're old, we'll be able to talk about generational stuff that we both remember...we both remember silly shows like Mulligrubs, LOVING movies like Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure and Grease, and singing along to certain songs on the radio. We understand the pop culture of our generation...we can relate to each other in regards to that.

IMO, while you may HATE fighting with your sibling...I think it really teaches you something about other people. I have a friend who is an only child and generally sucks at interacting with anyone. She didn't have that "practice" that i had with my brother. I understood boys a lot better because I had him.

ANYWAY...

The point of this is, I'm reconsidering my "I'm not having another baby until 10 years!" thing. I want DD to be able to fight with her siblings. I want her to HAVE siblings. I mean, if she's 10 and I have a baby, she WILL have a sibling, obviously, but it will be different. She probably won't be able to relate to it until it's older...and even then, they'll be from different generations.

I'm wondering if maybe I should have a baby sooner...like, maybe concieve when DD is 3.

One thing I REALLY WANT is a VBAC...which really comes into my thought process when considering this. I don't want to have another c-section...so I want my scar to be better healed. I wonder if it WILL be healed enough for a VBAC...roughly 4 years 9 months after my c-section. I do hope so.

Of course, there's the added problem of convincing DP to go ahead with this...lol.

Any suggestions or advice? I'm a bit confused thus far.

[reAllytee]

Man !
Take a deep breath girl ! :p
How about you just take things as they come nice & slow you still have plenty of time till your DD is that age so let the stresses go for a little while & enjoy her. Also being more laid back etc about it all will help your DP get used to the idea im sure.
My DP took awhile to come around to the idea of wanting another bub especially when things werent easy the first time & the fact things didnt go smooth with the birth he freaked out about it all. He has now warmed to the idea so when the time is right is quite willing to let nature take its course.
So just read up about VBAC & get informed etc there is lots of info on here & then just take it slow :D
Good luck

[bronny-jane]

my dd's are all relatively close in age, and thats what i want, so i can get the pg and labour years over with and then watch them grow up together:D

im from a family of 7 kids and were all born with in 11 years of each other, now while we were kids it was always a full house, you'd either fight or play, but now were all older we get on quite well.:D most of the time:laughing:

[nemosmum]

I think your confused and hearing/reading conflicting ideas can do that to you lol but it also helps you make an informed decision :)

Just wait and see how you feel in a year or so and keep talking to dp about how you feel:hugs:

[Blessed Mum]

Hi sassymummy,

My two children are 10 years apart. So I thought I would share a little of my experience. I found being pregnant a lot harder. I had anticipated that being more mature, healthier etc it would be easier.That was not the case for me. I found labour & her birth also a lot harder. I just feel like I left it to long in between drinks IYKWIM? Having said that everyone is different & I know this. The positives - one big fat one - I am enjoying being a mother at my age now. I feel wiser, more at ease with my daughter then I did my son & I felt ready. I will not be leaving a huge gap between DD & the next & I'm sure that will be a learning experience as well. Like others have said just take it as comes. Time is on your side & talk it all out with your DP until you both make a compromise that you can both be happy with.
As I said just my experience & I'm sure other people will have had different ones to me.

Good luck
Tara:)

[FourAngelKisses]

Having 2 kids 15mths apart and having 2 kids 5.5yrs apart, I want to share my thoughts on this.

Jacob and Brooke.........BEST of friends. They grew up being together and they were the best of friends. Sure, they fight a lot, but what brother and sister don't?? When one is at a friends house, the other is totally lost without them. Brooke went through 6mths of separation anxiety when Jacob started school.

On the other end of the spectrum, with a large gap, we have Matthew. The older two don't want to play with him. he gets in their way, takes their toys, cries too much, falls over too much. He is left to entertain himself because they go in their room and close the door so he can't get in. I am really hoping this improves as he gets older, it isn't fair on him, and the older kids are missing out on so much fun by not including him.



Think about it, discuss it with your other half and maybe compromise on something. be honest and tell him your feelings, and have him tell you his.

[flib]

My two kids are 4 years apart. Exactly! They love each other and still fight but my DS is very good with his younger sister. I also had a VBAC without any problems but I don't think you have to wait that long for a scar to heal!

I think a gap of about 3 years would be good. Having a bigger gap gave us the chance to buy our house, for me to establish myself in a new job and the time I needed to recover from a first traumatic birth! It was right for us.

I am now expecting # 3. The gap will almost be 3 years. I'm a little nervous that this is too close but I know we'll all be fine. I'm 40 too so I wouldn't want to be any older anyway.

It's great you're thinking it over and I hope you can both come to the right decision for you!

Flib

[bec79]

Speaking from experience, I definately plan on having my children close together. (When I say close, I mean 2-3yrs apart.) I have an older sister by 3 yrs and a younger brother by 3yrs. I am extremely close to both of them. We are all the best of friends. Obviously it wasn't always like this...we would fight like cats and dogs when we were children...but grew close bonds in our teens.
In contrast to this DF has a younger sister by 9 years, and lets just say doesn't really know her. When I say 'doesn't know her' I mean he can't relate to her socially. They don't share each others lives, IYKWIM? It is the whole generational thing that you have already discussed.

Ultimately I think you should have another bub when you feel ready to. Don;t let 'societal' pressures make that decision for you.

[LittleBoysRock]

My DH wants our children somewhere between 2 and 2.5 years apart as he thinks it will be nice for them to grow together.

I have also been told by a midwife that when you give birth the first time the cervix has to 'learn' how to dialate which is why it takes so long to get to 10 cm the first time. She said that if you give birth to baby #2 less than 5 years after #1 the labour is usually a lot shorter.

That might seem like a silly reason to have babies close together but it is another advantage.

Another thing is, DH and I agreeed that I would be a SAHM until our children hit pre-school so I figure if I have them 2 years apart rather than 3 or 4 I get to go back to work quicker and it means we can start having a bit more of a life style and enjoy our kiddies. Best of both worlds. :)


Goodluck deciding....it is a very personal choice.

[SassyMummy]

Thanks for the replies!

The thing about the cervix having to learn...well, that's good for some...but it won't be making much of a difference for me. I didn't go into labour last time (DD was 2 weeks late...and after 3 failed inductions I was whisked off for a c-section), so I guess my cervix is going to have to learn this time!

I had a mini-talk to DP about it...he was sort of open to having another baby in mid-2008...which is better than I expected. I was prepared to fight for my case...but he was like, "yeah...maybe." I expected a flat-out NO!

[JATS]

my GP and Ob both told me waiting 5+yrs after a c/s to attempt a vbac isn't good, scar toughens over time and becomes more likely to rupture. Of course the risk is still low, but it's significantly higher than with a smaller age gap. :thumbsup:

[jennababe]

not to be rude but im half asleep and couldnt be bothered reading everyones post besides yours.. so if someone has said a few of the following things im sorry for repeating them!!

on the whole having 10 yr age gap between children .. just wanted to say a few quick things.. apparently its better to have kids closer together obviously because it will be easier for them to relate to each other...

but then theres another issue if you wait! jelousy!!.. my friend has an 9yr old daughter.. and a 2 yr old son and a new baby on the way.. while spending time with them ive picked up on a few things that i would never discuss with there mother.. but there daughter gets neglected.. shes very aware of it.. shes such an attention seeker.. because she doesnt get enough of it!.. while there the other day.. i was shocked when she turned to her 2 yr old brother and said "Domonic when the baby comes, your not going to be there favourite anymore, your going to get pushed aside.. cos thats what they did to me" i was shocked to hear those words come out of her mouth!!..

i think its better when kids are closer in age.. cos they wil be so young when new bubba is born that they wont be aware of one getting more attention... (obviously babies need it) but when the childs older all there memories will be after the baby has come so they wont know any different.

the other thing that comes to mind.. is wouldnt u like your kids to be close together.. so that u can start enjoying your life and spare time a little more.. if you raise this one.. go through them being a baby, sleepless nights.. starting school... and then wait 10 years then you have to start it all over again.. where as if u have children closer together.. in 10 years you'll have older children.. and wont have all the nappies and sleepless nights.. if that makes sence.. better do deal with it at the same time..

[MumsieMel]

JENNA
Thats excatly how i feel about things :thumbsup: :yes:

[V8]

You couldn't have said it better Jenna. :)

I totally agree, i plan on having 4 kids within the next 6 years, so by my 30th i'll have my family complete and can go back to work and have a bit of a life for myself. When you have little kids you really are living your life for them, not for you, IYKWIM.

[jennababe]

thanks im glad you girls agree with me.. didnt know if i was sounding a little harsh!

[SassyMummy]

I understand the reasons why mothers have their bubs close together, and the reasons why they don't. I don't think is a one "better" way...there's just DIFFERENT ways each with their own pros and cons...it's just up to the parents to decide which is the right choice for them.

I don't think that waiting until DD is 3 years old before TTC is a small gap, but not necessarily a large one either. I think it's kind of in-between. Providing all goes to plan, DD will be 4-ish when the other baby arrives...so when she's off to school, I'll still be raising a toddler.

I'd NEVER want to have two babies..or even a toddler and a baby. I couldn't handle having my kids 18 months apart...but that's just me. I wouldn't cope. I would be SO SICK of having kids whinge and sulk and cry and demand attention all the time...I mean, I know older kids do it too, but younger children don't understand as well as older kids do.

I'd like DD to be a little more self-sufficient (like being able to feed herself and walk) before I have another baby. It'll just make it a whole lot easier on me.

It's also a matter of money for a lot of people. While it might be ideal for some to have babies reasonably close together, the reality is not so easy. Having 2 or more kids in childcare could possibly mean that a single mother would be better off on the pension than at work...

I was a LITTLE offended by your post Jenna...but don't apologise. You didn't say anything deliberately offensive...it's just the way you said it really. It just kind of gave me the impression that I'd be a complete IDIOT to do anything than pop out babies close together.

Even if I DO have another one soon-ish...I won't have 3 close together. I very well may have a 3rd in 10 years time...so I guess your comments affected me a little PERSONALLY. But yeah, don't apologise, because I know you didn't mean to offend...I might just be a little too sensitive! :yes:

[jennababe]

i am going to apologise! because i didnt mean to offend you! and it wasnt directed at you its just my opinion in general.. after things ive seen and heared!.. im really sorry i feel so bad now!!... im actually quite sad that if i have another baby one day there will be a massive age gap between them! because im single.. and it will be a long time b4 i meet someone and have another baby.. so in a way i envy women who have the choice to have babies with only a few yr age gap..

anyway i dont think u should have got offended im sorry if i upset u!!.. all the things i said though are just common knowledge.. and its all thing ive picked up on.. so they werent coming from me!..

what ever u decide to do in the end, its your family and your decision so im sure it will be right for you!

[munchkin05]

there is 6 years between me and my brother (hes older ) and we have always had a very good relationship even though we have had fights but what brother and sister dont

my dp has 2 other boys 15 and 7 then we have ben
so theres 14 years between the oldest and ben
and 6 years between middle one and ben

and i must say the relationship between ben and his oldest brother is fantastic
we were a bit worried cause hes at that horriable age u know where its not cool to be seen with your parents etc but he loves spending time with ben and will often say to friends that he doesnt want to go out with them just so he can come and do what ever we are doing so he can play with his brother

the middle child is a different story he only comes to our house every second weekend (the oldest one lives with dp and me ) and his mum has told him that we dont love him anymore etc etc and its only cause she hates me and resents us for having ben
by the end of the weekend middle child doesnt wantto go home and he does spend alot of the weekend with his brother but their relationship is different than oldest and ben

i guess what im saying is it doesnt matter the age difference in between your children it depends on how they are involved in childs life and of course the children things work different in every family sistuation and you just have to work out which one is best for you

i know my sistuation is a bit different but just wanted to give you an idea on age gaps

[mumma_jessy]

Like everyone else has said, it's a personal choice. My two brothers and i were 2 yrs apart, and we always got along well, and still do.

On the other hand, my DP was 3 when his brother was born, and still rembers the day he went to see his brother and the day they brought him home, they have NEVER got along, my DP resents him. I guess he had been his parents life until his brother came along, and his brother was a very full on child so DP ended up with no attention. He rembers how good it was before his brother!

Personally i want my kids close, so they can grow up together, so they can't rember life without eachother, thats how it was for me growing up, and it was fantastic!


But if your not ready, your not ready. Having a happy and healthy family and Mummy makes a bigger impact on a child!!