What wrong with me

[crazymuma]

Not really sure why I am writing this except I'm sitting here in tears wondering how one person could have such a hold over me.
Why is it that after 6 months of bein away from my ex does he still have a hold over me.
We are talking about one of the most loving, attentive men I have ever me - yet also one of the most violent and abusive I have ever met.
Yes we are back in contact - court appointed for the kids yet nothing in his eyes is about the kids - its all a game trying to get me back - so obvious from our contact.
Its stupid - I made the choice to leave this ******* and thought that I was completly over him - its just all of a sudden with him coming back into my life I am falling apart.
I don't even know what it is thats getting to me - Do I want to be with him? NO Do I love him? ????????? Do I hate him and the pain he has caused? YES
I just feel useless at the moment - its so hard trying to keep it together and stay strong - I have people pressuring me from all sides as far as access and everything is going - everyone has an opinion and it seems everyone want to tell me it.
Sorry for rambling but I need to - no one really understands - if I said to my family or friends that I am feeling like this they would tell me how stupid I am for even thinking about him after all he has done.

[sockstealingpoltergeist]

:hugs:

You have started a great new life for your selves. You don't want to have to restart if you go back and he is violent again.

It sucks that the court has given him visitation because violence around children is very damaging, and it would be better if your children never had to see that type of behaviour again.

You can help protect them by keeping them as safe as you can. Don't let him suck you back in, he is just pretending.

You and your children deserve so much better, and if you can be strong you will be so thankful one day.

[JabberJaw]

I have been in an abusive relationship along time ago and can totally understand how you feel. You may love him, but seriously if you got back with him, he will do the same things over and over. I kept going back for more, getting hurt (physically and emotionally) more and more each time i returned, the promises where lies, i came out with a broken heart and shattered dreams.

You really need to sit down and weigh up the pros and cons of a relationship with this man, decide for yourself if this is the best thing for your children, Imagine if it was your child's relationship, how would you feel.

Can you get the court to make a new judgment so you dont have to actually see your ex, maybe drop the kids off to a family member and then he can pick them up from there?

It will take time to heal, but honestly seriously think of the pros and cons, write it down, ponder it,,,i am sure you know what is best for your children.

Think with your head, not your heart. Come out of this stronger, more capable and a great role model for your kids.

Feel free to PM me if you need someone to offload your troubles.

:hugs::hugs::hugs:

[crazymuma]

Thanks guys. To be honest getting back with him is not an option - I will never put myself or my children in that situation again.
Its just confusing me - its like everything he says hits a nerve and I want it to stop.
I was doing really well, really strong but just talking to him has thrown me to back to square one. I am moody and struggling to sleep more than a few hours at night because of what he is doing, not doing and saying.
I have seen him once but all visitation will happen in a supervised visitation center on the sunshine coast but he has phone contact granted and because of the age of my children then I have to be avaliable to talk to him but the conversation doesn't remain about the kids for more than 30 seconds.

I am strong enough to stay away from him - trust me this has been a long relationship of me leaving then going back - I guess something snapped in me one day and I decided I couldn't take anymore.
Its just hard because most people who knew us never knew he was like this and now hate me for taking his children away and that hurts me more than I could ever admit.
Sorry ladies just having a hard time tonight - I know it will get easier - surely it will??

[sockstealingpoltergeist]

Thanks guys. To be honest getting back with him is not an option - I will never put myself or my children in that situation again.
Its just confusing me - its like everything he says hits a nerve and I want it to stop.
I was doing really well, really strong but just talking to him has thrown me to back to square one. I am moody and struggling to sleep more than a few hours at night because of what he is doing, not doing and saying.
I have seen him once but all visitation will happen in a supervised visitation center on the sunshine coast but he has phone contact granted and because of the age of my children then I have to be avaliable to talk to him but the conversation doesn't remain about the kids for more than 30 seconds.

I am strong enough to stay away from him - trust me this has been a long relationship of me leaving then going back - I guess something snapped in me one day and I decided I couldn't take anymore.
Its just hard because most people who knew us never knew he was like this and now hate me for taking his children away and that hurts me more than I could ever admit.
Sorry ladies just having a hard time tonight - I know it will get easier - surely it will??

I think it will get better, but I know how hard it is. It's really hard to allways have to be involved because you have children together.
I'm glad you don't have to deal with him much.

[JabberJaw]

Yes, it will get easier. Time heals.

Can you see a councilor to talk your issues out as a councilor is a neutral who you can off load your problems onto. They can give you some solutions to change the way you are thinking etc. Might be good just for a vent since you cant discuss with those close to you.
Dont feel bad for taking the children away. Children do not and should not have to see there mum suffer at the hands of their father.

:hugs::hugs:

I went though anger, hate, resentment, guilt....every emotion you could think of before one day something just clicked and i decided it was time to move on, forgive yet not forget. It was the day i started my new life. I found all the bitterness i had to wards the ex was eating me up and not allowing to live my life the way i wanted. Although i wasn't with the man, he was still ruling my life. The day i realised this, was incredible and i have not looked back since.