Step-parenting support thread - anyone interested?

[Cymba76]

Hi All :wave:

I am fairly new to the whole step-parenting thing. I have been with my DP for almost 10 months, and he is the most wonderful man! I committed to the relationship knowing that his kids come along with him, and that they have to come first in many ways. I have told all of the 3 kids that I am not here to be their mother, nor to come between them and their dad either...but am here for them if they ever need me and that I love their dad to bits!! :o

Asides from this, we have had so many ups-and-downs with his kids (and their mum unfortunately), and I have found it extremely stressful at times :crying:. I would really like to be a positive influence in these kids' lives as I know they've had it hard at times, and I do my best to try and not be the stereotypical 'evil' stepmum :laughing:. Sometimes though it can get extremely overwhelming, and I thought it might be nice to have a support thread going for a bit of support. Somewhere we can vent or cry and share the happy times too because I know they can happen too!! And preferably somewhere we can come for advice and support without fear of harsh judgement!!

Anyway, I may be the only one out there in need of this, so will keep it reasonably short this time, but thought I'd give it a go!

Have a great weekend!! :flowerz:

[pegasus]

Hi Cymba

I've been a step parent for 12 years. We've had many ups and downs during that time.

I'm more than happy to join your group. There are many issues that arise over time and the issues are there forever, they just change over time. My step children were 2 and 4 when I met them and are now 15 (nearly 16) and 13 (nearly 14) now.

goodluck in your journey and I'm sure we'll chat more as time goes on.

[YMo7]

hey there cymba (and pegasus)...

i am a step mum 2 my DH's 3 kids.... 14, nearly 13 and nearly 10. plus i have 1 of my own and we have 3 together.

my situation is a little different coz we took the kids off their mum due to neglect, so they live with us, hardly ever see her (its supposed to be once a month but she hasnt seen them since christmas coz she "cant afford to") and the 2 boys (13 and 14) have decided they will rarely visit her again after terrible things happening at christmas time.

so i have kinda had to take on the role of mum, not so much the step... they tell their friends i am their step mum but refer to me as their mum and the eldest actually got very defensive the other day when my 2 yr old said thats my mum not yours... he replied with "both our mum".

we have plenty of ups and just as many downs still. lol. i think coz i have them more often in my care than anyone else does, i have to discipline them (and coz of their past they need alot of it - gotta be on ya toes! lol)

would love to be a part of your group! :)

suze.

[musicalmummy]

count me in

[Cymba76]

Hi girls!

Thanks for your replies...it is nice to hear from people in similar circumstances!

I knew being a SM would be difficult, but never realised how hard it can actually be at times. The eldest son (18) got himself into a lot of trouble with the law not long after I came on the scene, so we have had issues with him being arrested, and numerous court dates etc. that are still ongoing.....his sister (14) has stolen jewellery from me, lied to us and gone home and lied about my treatment of her to her mum....and to top it all off BM is constantly telling them that their Dad doesn't love them anymore now that he has me...he has no time for them....he's not there for them anymore...etc etc. She is always stabbing us in the back. I understand that it would be hard being a single mum, and that it must feel horrible to have another woman in the kids' lives (I know I would feel threatened too), but I told her from word go that I wasn't here to try and take over, nor to come between any of their relationships. It just feels like no matter what I do, I can't win. I feel so bad for the kids, as they are being hurt when told that their dad doesn't want them or have time for them anymore. My SD has now improved somewhat....when we had the issues in the past I told her I was here for her but it would take some time to trust her again...she has been much better...but is now wanting to move in with us, as things are bad at home. Apparently BM is never there..always working..or out with her BFs (as advised to me by SD)..when she is home she is on the phone and/or in her room...the kids cook and clean...if the youngest is sick, one of the others stays home to look after him. Again...I know it can't be easy being a single mum, and I'm really not trying to judge, but I see the kids hurting and I know it hurts DP too. The youngest son (8) has become really withdrawn lately....we've heard that if he goes home and says good things about his stay with us, he gets in huge trouble...so now it has gotten to the point where he barely speaks up for himself, and he has totally withdrawn from me. It's horrible. I just feel so useless sometimes...and the guilt....I know none of this is my fault...that I've tried really hard to do the right thing and that I honestly care about the happiness of these kids....but I'm the reason that a lot of these bad things are happening...I know it is not my own actions but I can't help feeling bad...KWIM?? Wow...that became a big :ecomcity: didn't it? Sorry!! I really do want to build a good relationship with these kids, but it is so difficult when we are constantly being undermined. I can just see these issues happening for a very long time...if not forever...and it gets very disheartening. I have my good days and my bad days....it is all early days still I guess....did you all find it so difficult in the beginning??

Thanks so much for the support....am sorry again for going on a bit too much...just needed to get some of that off my chest! Look forward to chatting to you all!! :sunshine:

[pegasus]

Hi again Cymba

I am nodding my head as I am reading your post. Not sure if that is a good thing LOL>

I remember a distinct day (when my DSD was 4 and before her mum met me) that DH was sitting next to her on the couch as she spoke to mum, that he overheard her mum say "Please tell V (me) that she is a B!tch"

How do you fight that? My answer, you don't, but you bubble and boil in yourself as you know it's not the truth and it's soooo unfair.....!!!!:hair:

Even as recent as last year, we had DSD in tears calling DH saying her mum had hit her, DH called her said she could come to live with us for any period of time at any time, then heard BM in the background (DSD is now 15 nearly 16) saying "your dad doesn't love you, he never wanted you....." More but not warranted here.

These children are in such turmoil and they really don't stand a chance. We have been called on numerous occasions to come and collect the children as mum isn't coping, however, she always threatens us within a couple of days that she needs the children back and kids go as "mum needs them". Not that "they need mum"

Our situation is that DSD has been in trouble with the law (riding in a stolen car, assaulting another girl with stick, shoplifting ...) yet, when we suggest she get real punishment, or come stay with us so she can be monitored (we know she'll kick up her heels, but got to be done), her mum says..."but she is my little girl and I can't stop her - she's almost an adult!"

All I can say atm is that I feel for you and I'm sure we'll get to know more stories over time (I've heaps more to tell, but won't atm as I don't want to hog your thread...:D)

Just know we're here in this thread for your vents - as I've found - I can't really vent properly to DH -(they are his kids) can't vent to his family (For same reason) can't vent to anyone else (don't really understand situation as the kids and bm always present beautifully to everyone else - so must be lies) so I come on here.....

Hey Cymba - welcome to the world of step parenting - much as it has it's ups and downs, I actually treasure my step kids so very much and would walk through coals to get a better life for them. If they chose to come to live with us, would cherish them as if they were my own. (Since they don't I just look out for them as best I can, as they do have a mum, I'm just an extra person with their best interests at heart, no matter what they do)

[Cymba76]

Thanks so much for your thoughts Pegasus!! It helps to know that someone out there gets where I'm coming from! I can talk to a lot of my friends about it, but it is not a situation that too many understand, and I often feel like they must be thinking 'God...is she going on about things AGAIN!!....it's always Days of our Lives with her..' :laughing:

You sound like you are a wonderful SM, and these kids (and your DH!) are very lucky to have you! I hope that I'll be a great SM too....I definitely share a lot of your sentiments in regards to having their best interests at heart, and looking out for them....but I know I still have a lot to learn! LOL!

I look forward to sharing your stories....and please don't think of it as 'my' thread...I know I'm new to it all but hopefully I can help support you (and the other girls!) in some way too!! :thumbsup: