need advice 1st time 39+

[jackdemps]

Hi there,

[Ys_Woman]

Hello there JackDemp.
Truly I don't think the word selfish could even be used in the same sentence as parenting. It is probably the most selfless act anyone could ever participate in.
How awesome that you are both keen and your husband will undertake the SSC procedure. I have only seen it on those US fertility shows but it worked well for those couples.
I think the worry you are experiencing is natural for any age, particularly when you are a first timer. Certainly babies bring with them a fair amount of responsibility and hard work, but it is more than compensated for in the very first moment you behold your own flesh and blood.
I wish you well in the journey you are about to embark upon. If you want to chat about it feel free to jump in at the 40+parents forum (Jan-Mar09 chat) where we hang out..even if you haven't yet hit your 40's..lol.

Amy:)

[jackdemps]

thankyou Ys_Woman, :) its nice to hear something positive and supportive from someone. I turn 40 in may!!:party:

[bgbgbb]

I'm 40 next month and about to try for #5! Would you believe that more than half the mums at my children's kindergarten were older than me! One mum had her last baby at 44 and she had the maturity to deal with those kids in a way that a lot of the other younger mums didn't. She was great fun.

We older mums have had the advantage of having done it all before the kids. I know I dont long to go out to nightclubs, etc anymore because I've been there and done that. I've travelled and had a career, so I feel I'm able to advise my kids with first-hand knowledge when they seek to do these things later on.

Anyone who judges you is either jealous or too ignorant to appreciate what you're about to embark upon because they cut their lives short when they had kids younger and wished they'd lived a bit more first.

You enjoy every minute of this and you'll make a great mum for sure!

[Amara]

When I was pregnant with my first child at age 41 I had some odd things said to me. The weirdest one was "you are so brave having a child at your age". I was speechless. I to this day don't really know what she meant by it.

Don't worry about what others say. It's certainly not selfish. There's nothing wrong with having babies over the age of 40. Women have been doing it for centuries but usually it was the last baby in the family - not the first!!!

I was 42 when my little man came along and had a much easier pregnancy than most women half my age.

Being a parent is wonderful. I still can't understand why people say the first 6 weeks is the hardest when you have a bub. It certainly wasn't my experience. It was all pretty full on but not the nightmare that absolutely everyone warned me about. Even now that I'm on my own I'm loving motherhood and don't regret for one moment having him.

[jackdemps]

:wave:Hi and thanks Boygirlboygirl, and Amara, you have certainly both must have your hands full, and yet have the time to offer me some of your parenting experiences, thankyou so much. It is reassuring, yet I can't bring myself to tell anyone,(friends, or family) I have a feeling of guilt, and that I'm not doing the 'right' thing. Then again, I cannot imagine my life without trying to have my own family, and am terrified, and looking forward to it at the same time. take care,
Jen.

[DonnaR]

Go for it and grab it with all your might. Sure there will be bad days but most of the days as so sweet.

People will say things without putting their brains in gear. It is such a scary/exciting thing to be starting a family. Try to put your fear of telling friends and family aside and see how they react. You may find some will surprise you with support. Of course some are going to say the first silly thing that comes into their head, remember it's about how they feel not about what you are doing. My MIL had DH and "closed the shop", there was no way she would have anymore babies. When DH and I put out that we were thinking of extending our family I knew the reaction we would get and she lived up to it. She is know a doting Oma to 4 but we only see them every couple of months due to distance

I didn't become a Mum until 9 days before my 41st birthday. Thanks to tubal and other problems for me it was a long road. 3 years later I was a Mum again at 44.4. I'm now 47 (48 in July) and still sitting on the fence about "just one more":p

Sorry if I waffled on:D

[jackdemps]

Hi Donna,
Its good to hear your perspective, esp as we will have both been the same age group ttc, etc. I actually told mother dearest this morning , not too much comment, and I was happy with that, I thought it went well! Now I feel as a weight has lifted off my shoulders.
Do you feel up to trying for no3? My DH is 49, has 4 adult kids from a previous marriage, and is not really over the top with enthusiasm, but he is a wonderful man and i know will love and support me and a baby if we are lucky enough to conceive. At my age i don't really know if I will be up for it physically, how does any new mother know really...now i'm waffling LOL!
Thanks Donna!!
take care Jen.:ecomcity:

[jackdemps]

:idea: OMG 2 x 2!!

How do you do it Donna!! you are awesome!!

[DonnaR]

HI Jen

I have thought about "one more" quite often. We still have 3 embryos on ice from the IVF that gave us the "feral foursome" :) My niece came to visit today (she is only 2 years younger than me) and she asked if we are going to go again, she's the only one who totally supports me :)

I don't know how we get through some days but having the older pair at school has changed things and the little ones love having their Mumtime.

[OJandMe]

Hi there.

I'm not even close to 40.... but thought I'd just offer some encouragement.

My father had his last child when he was 51 to his 3rd wife (my step-mother) it was her first child. She was... lol.. I'm not quite sure, but in her mid-thirties anyway.

Anyway... he is the most active, with-it, fun father to my brother (who is now 8). So I wouldn't worry about age...

My dad always says "P keeps me young" :yes:

So I'm sure if you are blessed with getting pregnant, you'll do a wonderful job... and your DH will probably love another little bubba... I mean, it has been 18 years... and you can't help but fall in love with babies.

All the best!! I hope the SSC procedure goes well. :goodvibes:

[jackdemps]

I'm not sure how you do it all! Does your DH help you much? I am glad your niece is supportive of you. That would be a huge comfort. Your kids are a blessing, and I suppose one more wont add too much to your already hectic schedule. Just more love!!
I go to the doc on thursday for first appointment, there was a five week wait just to see the doc.
see what happens.
Jen :fingerscrossed:

[DonnaR]

Jen

:laughing: I'm not sure how we do it all either. My DH is my rock. He seems to handle the washing and he is very hands on with the kids. He does wonders considering he's an only child and never had much to do with kids :yes:


I'll keep you in my thoughts on Thursday. I hope it all goes smooth for you:hugs::)

[ascotmum]

Hi

Just wanted to post and say good luck.

My DP has one son back in the UK. When we first got together he said no more marriage and def no more kids. I had always wanted both but thought it obviously wasn't meant to be for me.

We've been together happily for 10 years. Last year was a big one, his mum died of cancer, I got sick with pneumonia and suddenly found myself pregnant and turned 40. I was so fearful of telling him. I have no family or real friends in this country so felt very alone.
However his reaction couldn't have been better. He smiled for months and we're 7 weeks away from welcoming our baby into the world.
Things change and I'm sure your hubby once he's sees that pink line will be over the moon.

Let's face it, it's bound to be hard esp the first 6 weeks but if it was that bad people wouldn't be doing it! My DP said it was hell but now he says well that was 11 yrs ago and life has changed him/you. And from what I've learnt about life anything difficult is worth while in the end.

As for expecting at 39, you are certainly a lot wiser so can make the right choices about things. Take all the tests offered. Listen to your body and you can't go wrong.

Best of luck
:shakehands:

[DonnaR]

:wave:HI Jen

How's it going? Hope you got good news :yes:

[jackdemps]

Hi everyone, thankyou so much for sharing your stories, they are so uplifting at this time, I have been a bit down lately. My DH is not much to talk with. Had some breast and thyroid ultrasounds yesterday, and going for a pelvic ultra sound tommorrow, and we go back to the fertility clinic on the 9th of april to start.
I have to do the injections twice a day, then they take my eggs, DH sperm and when we get a 5 day embryo, they will ivf me!!
Its about 45% success rate, so fingers crossed again, but not legs crossed!! LOL.
bless you all!!
Jen.

[canon]

Hi Jen,
Just wanted to wish you luck. I had my second bub at 42 & she's my dh's first.He didnt want kids & she was totally unplanned and its all been a learning curve. But so worthwhile - we cant imagine life without her now. I just had a pregnancy where the baby had extreme abnormalities & had to have a termination & am still coming to terms with that. They really are so precious - I just wanted to say good luck & dont stress (any more than you have to)

[jackdemps]

thankyou canon for your thoughts. My DH and I are fighting at the moment..seems to be the flavour of the month at the moment, so a bit down. Don't know what to do.
It al seems a bit overwhelming, and I wonder if I should go through it all as now DH isn't working and I am the only breadwinner and we have mortgage etc.
I already work 6 days, and was hoping to cut back. Last time DH was out of work it was for 14 months.
Sorry to whinge. I am sorry for your terrible loss, only know that in time your pain will ease.
Regards,
Jen.

[Amara]

You need to think carefully. Going through IVF, pregnancy, miscarriage or a new baby all put enormous pressure on a relationship so if there are problems already they could well increase. I know this only too well as I am now on my own. At the time my son was conceived things were rocky but I figured it was quite likely my last chance of having a child and I was quite prepared to do it alone and that's exactly what I've ended up doing.

Financial issues need to be looked at as well. If he doesn't get work are you going to be able to (or do you want to for that matter) keep working 6 days a week after a bub is born? Even if you think you might be fine with it you might change your mind after bub is born (like I did, I'm now trying to go part time).

Good luck with your decision making.

[jackdemps]

Hi Amara,
I don't know if I will get another chance to have a baby, with that said, I already think I will be raising the child on my own as that DH is not really into it I think he is just doing it for me. Financially I have been paying most the bills etc always, even though most of the time DH has earned more. He is not the most "take control" person. How will I cope if a baby comes along? I do not have any family to help, and my friends aren't "kiddy types".
DH cares more about spending his own time doing his hobbies, as he already has a family from a previous marriage. What should I do? Will I be able to cope paying a mortgage etc and raise a child on my own? I face risking everything -marriage, home if I decide to be selfish and have a baby or try to. Thats going to cost too for the ICSI.
I know DH will be here for me, but honestly it is like having a teenager living here with me. Driving me nuts!
How do you do it on your own?
Jen.

[canon]

Hi Jen,
Sorry to hear your feeling down.I do know its such a hard decision to make -my first bub was unplanned & with a guy who was madly into having a baby, but not much help at all when it came to it. I had to decide knowing that we weren't doing well as a couple & had to consider that I might have to go it alone. We only managed to stay together till she was about 1 1/2. It was really tough being alone & a parent for the first time.I was really lost for ages, but I just coped & day by day things got a little easier. When I stop to look back now, I realise how close that made us & how you dont even realise at the time what youre going thru - you just keep on going for the childs sake. And my dd does miss her dad (distance is problem), but she sometimes reminds me of the great times we had together with just the two of us. I just remember living in a shack, sleeping on matresses on the floor, trying to study & make ends meet.Its nice to hear that from her & know I didnt ruin her for life! We did have lots of time together & thats what was important. Anyway, none of what Im saying is meant to influence you either way, but whatever you choose, dont worry about having made the wrong decision. You'll be fine.Good luck...C
Sorry to rave on - you just took me from my current state of mind back to another time completely

[jackdemps]

Hi Canon, Amara, & Ladies,
I chickened out at the last minute and cancelled my appointment for today. A thousand things going through my mind, DH is not working now, and is not actively seeking work, very frustrating. I don't know if I am mentally or physically ready for a baby, and am ****ting myself-hence cancelling doc appt.
Is this all normal, or am I overthinking the whole thing. I nearly rang and rebooked a minute ago, I was thinking I will rebook in a month and hopefully DH will have work by then. Talk about being up in the air, do I sound commited enough? The thought of never having a baby deeply saddens me.
Sorry if I am driving you all mad... I am doing the same to myself and DH. He thinks I only want a baby cause my mum has been nagging me about it for years. Oh stuff it I will rebook.
Time waits for no-one.
Hope you are all well.:wave:
Jen.

[jackdemps]

p.s It would be so much easier if we could do it naturally.
Rebooked for 1st may.

[DonnaR]

HI Jen

I feel that the will we/won't we is normal, I do it all the time about having 1 more :yes:

If the thought of never having a baby saddens you so much I feel that you are committed but apprehensive which is totally understandable.

Every month I hope for a natural miracle, even after 20+ years. Then again I know I am lucky to live at this time because of the technology that helped me get my kids.

Glad to see you have rebooked. Have a safe, happy Easter. May isn't that far away:hugs:

[jackdemps]

Hi Donna,
ah, thats a relief to know the will we/wont we is something other people go through, it drives me crazy sometimes!
Wishing all a Safe and Happy Easter!
Jen

[canon]

Hi Jen & ladies,
Hope you are all enjoying Easter. I know it won't make you feel any better Jen, but I think some (if not all) of us like to torture ourselves thinking things through. On the plus side of that for me is the fact that I have just about covered every possibility by the time I make the decision. And then I feel so sick of thinkiing.Once a decision is made, it opens a whole new set of things to think about!My decisions about kids were based on already being pregnant.I guess that was easier but I still thought & stressed for ages. The only time Ive actually ttc, it hasnt worked out.Go figure..I think if you went into this without thinking too much then Id be concerned. Maybe you just need to get some time away or on your own to sort out what it is exactly that you want. Im in a smallish town & just getting away from here & driving seems to clear the cobwebs for me & lets me see things more clearly. Having said that, thats exactly what I should be doing. Im going in for my ultrasound next week & the gyno in 2 weeks & am resigned to hearing its too late for another one for me. I am really glad Ive got 2 happy healthy kids, but having that decision taken from me now leaves me feeling down. My thoughts are with you & I hope all that thinking isnt becoming too painful...C

[jackdemps]

Hi Canon,
thankyou for your advice, I have done way too much thinking, thats for sure. I know what I want, my hubby is the one putting me off, but he said he wasn't ready for his 1st,2nd or 3 & 4th, so I just think he will never change, and will get over it! He is a committed father to all his, youngest 18, and a committed hubby.
I don't want to leave it too late, and we will go ahead with treatment from 1st may.
I hope all goes well at your next appointments, and feel for u, but at least you have 2 healthy children. I think all we all can do is be thankful for what we do have.
:flowerz:
Take care everyonex
Jen.

[canon]

Hi Jen
How are you going? I was going to wish you good luck for your appointment but I just realised its the !st today. Hope it all went well
Connie

[jackdemps]

Hi Connie,
Gee time sure does fly! Hope you are well, and did your dr's appt go ok?
I am satring treatment on the 12th may, and all going well the date for icsi is @10 june, fingers crossed, my dr said its about a 45% success rate, so we just hope.
Jen.:D

[canon]

Hi Jen
glad to hear you now have dates & its all going ahead.I just had more bloods done today, I saw the gyno a couple of weeks ago & after talking to him Ive calmed down again & I even got a period last week. He said to get bloods done on day 7 & is testing for a few other things including thyroid. im still upset that I have to bother the poor gyno/ob who is the only one in the whole shire & im sure has lots of better things to be doing..But so glad hes so patient & nice. I had another drama at the same surgery with a diff gp who said my eldest couldnt have whooping cough coz shes immunised & the two kids in her class & the teacher who have all been diagnosed as having it couldnt have been immunised. When school went back I spoke to the teacher & the kids were both up to date with whoop cough shots & still got it.So Ive just transferred mine & the kids records to a lady gp in another town & have an appointment to see her in a few weeks. Its amazing how long I have to wait to get an apptment anywhere around here.There are some things about city living I really miss & thats one..So Ive been busy dealing with other things & still waiting to find out her test results & now stressing that she may have passed it on to others.My sisters due soon & luckily we havent been around her or any babies lately.
Anyway - good luck with your treatment - would love to hear how its all going - stay in touch...Connie

[jackdemps]

Hi Connie,
Oh I hope your daughter is well soon.
gee that is so frustrating , I hate when "people" tell you categorically that things are definite. like they treat you like you don't know what you are talking about, and because of their stubborness you are forced to seek advice elsewhere which is very inconvenient to you. I have been seeing a few specialists here and they have waiting lists of up to 6 weeks to get in.Its crazy!!
Good to hear from you, Take care
Jen

[canon]

Hi Jen
Hows your treament going?Are you getting a little excited now that its starting?Or nervous? I cant begin to imagine the emotions you must be going through.Hope its all going well.
DD1 did have whooping cough - shes just started her second round of antibiotics to treat it - turns out the first lot werent the prefferred treatment but at least were in the same family of drugs & the health dept called & they think it would have stopped her being contagious at least. But in the meantime DD2 has been going to pre school & I hate to think what could have happenned there. It seems that her immunisation, being more current probably meant she didnt have it. She didnt have a cough for long so it couldve been just a cold and luckily there arent any babies there on the days she goes. It all makes me appreciate it so much more when you get a doctor who listens to you & doesnt fob you off...Hopefully thats my last rant about that surgery...Keep in touch...Connie

[Amara]

I lost this thread & just came across it again.

I see that you've changed your mind, then changed it back again. :)

How do I cope? Not much choice really. Working full time with a bub is not easy. It's really exhausting actually.... particularly when you or bub is sick.

My friends either have no kids or teenagers, none have babies so I don't really feel like I fit in with them anymore. I was starting to make friends with my mums group mums (all of them were at least 10 years younger than me) but then of course I had to go back to work and they meet midweek so I don't see them now... they are just facebook buddies now.

It's also very exciting, fun & rewarding. Watching my son develop through all the stages is just amazing. If I have a bad day I only need look into his eyes & I feel happy again.

I wish you the best of luck with what you are about to undertake and hope that it's a short journey to motherhood for you.

[jackdemps]

Hi Connie, and Amara,
Its so nice knowing I have you guys to bounce my thoughts off, and to get some highly valued opinions, without judgements at the same time!
I am into my 2nd week of lucrin injections, and on the 28th start the fsh injections. I am taking each week as it comes, not going to get my hopes up, as doc said there is only a 45% success rate. Will keep you updated.
Take care always!
Jen x:wave:

[canon]

Hi Jen & ladies,
hope its all going well - just wanted to say remember that 45% is 45 in a hundred & theres no reason you cant be in that 45. Keep your chin up!!Ive been obsessed with all things gyno lately. i never even went on the net until recently & this is the first forum Ive been on. These are whole new worlds for me!All the new terms to learn etc & I feel so dumb.Ive just gone from being peri to post menopausal & now it seems that Im not menopausal at all after the last lot of bloods, but I have ashermans syndrome..intrauterine adhesions/scarring as a result of the D&C I had.it all makes a little more sense now - my periods have been short & theres hardly any blood, just old brown stuff.The fact that the adhesions have caused a blockage(to what degree I dont know) makes sense now. Doesnt help me much - just nice to know!So Ive been busy trying to navigate the net & decide where to go from here. My gyn thinks I should leave it at this, but Im not sure.Im thiniking of having a test to see how much scarring there is at the least. I never used to get much pain but now I do & the fact that Im not menopausal yet means that Ill have to put up with this until then.And now Im getting them every 3 weeks.Thanks for listening - it is nice to have someone to bounce thoughts off(esp when Im ranting).
Hope its all going well with you Jen(one in 45) Take care...Connie

[canon]

Hi Jen,
how are you going? I was just reading about pineapple & how the enzyme in it can help with implantation (it was news to me) and I was wondering how you are going? Hope alls well...Connie

[jackdemps]

Hi Connie,
Nice to hear from you again!
Had the egg collection yesterday, which of 16 eggs collected, they successfully fertilised 11, they are going to call me tommorrow, I guess we are looking at wednesday for the implanting, they only do 1 embryo, at a time to avoid multiple births!
Its first time around, so due to the low success rate, I wont count my chickens before they hatch! Its a waiting game, so not much else to do.
Pineapple, interesting, I heard paw paw is supposed to make you more fertile, and I have had one in the fridge for the last week! Also avocado supposed to be good for your uterus! Saw that on tv last week, so have had some of them. Good thing they are in season.
Back to the fruit salad on monday!
Hope you are well,
Jen x

[canon]

Hi Jen,
I was just looking up paw paw but one site said they use the fresh latex in India on boils warts & freckles. And that its applied on the uterus as an irritant to cause abortion. Im really not too sure how you apply it to a uterus - the thought makes me cringe!
I do know that paw paw, kiwi & pineapple are all good meat tenderisers so assume the enzymes in them are similiar. Not much help for IVF but good for BBQ's! I guess as with most things they're meant to be had in moderation..
Wishing you lots & lots of luck for tomorrow - hope it all goes very well...Connie

[jackdemps]

Hi Connie,
I got my period today, so no luck, I have to go to see the nurses in the morning so we'll see where to go from there.
I wonder if stress can affect the outcome.. I had a terrible day monday following the transfer where I was on the recieving end of some abuse from a stupid customer at work. I may have to take a few days off next go so may have better success.
I have two frozen embryos left which I suppose is good. Will keep you posted.
Kind regards,
Jen
:bfn:

[canon]

Hi Jen,
Im sorry to hear you had no luck this month.How are you feeling? How did you go with the nurses?do you think you'll try again soon? I just read somewhere that even in your 20's (prime baby producing time) you only have a 25% chance of getting preg when you're trying. that seems to make your 45 much better..Im sure stress has got a lot to do with it - it affects us in so many ways it just seems logical. Hope your doing well...C