What should I do dammit?! (DP problems)

[SassyMummy]

DP has slowly morphed from being a shy, softly-spoken sweetheart...to a sarcastic, rude, nasty and unappreciative pr*ck!

It's been pretty cr*p for a while now...we don't really go out alone anymore (because of DD), but when we do...he's often in a bad mood. I try to perk things up and keep the conversation flowing but he gives me yes and no responses to my questions...and in the event that I ask a question which needs a PROPER answer it's usually "I dunno." Even when I ask him if he wants to rent a DVD...it's "I dunno...what do you wanna do?" ALWAYS!

I usually end up mad at him. His bad moods drag down my mood as well. I start off happy and bubbly and nice and loving...and usually end up nagging, whinging and/or crying.

And I KNOW there's a real problem, because he usually ignores me when I try to get him into the mood for sex. I don't do anything TOO out-there...I just cuddle up and do general stuff...nothing like strip dancing or anything like that. Still, it's SEX...and we don't have it very often. I even BEGGED him (literally BEGGED) to have sex with me recently...we hadn't had sex in over 3 weeks (may not seem like "ages" to some of you, but compared to what it has been, even since DD was born, it's quite a while to wait).

I wonder if it's because I've put on weight. I've put on quite a bit of weight since DD was born. It wasn't from pregnancy...it's all POST PREGNANCY weight. About 20kg of it. I was never THIN...but now I'm just REALLY FAT. I admit it...and I know I need to do something about it...but I never thought that my weight would stop him from being nice to me. (Maybe it's not really about weight or size...I probably just put it down to that because it's my greatest insecurity).

I didn't know he had today off work (he didn't tell me), so I planned on going out with a friend for the day. Shopping. I planned to bring DD along. However, when I found out that DP wasn't going to work, I suggested he join us. He didn't want to, but offered to watch DD, so I left DD with him and off I went.

I felt a little bad that I hadn't taken advantage of his day off by spending it with him, and while I was out, my friend went into Jay Jays. At the moment they have World Cup-themed soccer supporters t-shirts. Only $20. DP LOVES soccer, so I got him an England supporters one and continued shopping.

When I got home, he didn't help me bring in ANY of the shopping (which contained 2 boxes nappies, 2 formula tins AND THEN SOME...so it was quite a few trips back and forth for me). I was a little angry, but let it go. I then informed him that I had gotten him something. I showed it to him and he said, "Why an England one?" I told him I thought that was the team he was going for, but if not, it didn't matter - I could exchange it for another one. He said he was going for Australia, but not to worry about exchanging it as he wouldn't wear it anyway. He told me I wasted my money and said nothing more about it.

I was so angry...even if he DIDN'T like it, I think he should just keep it to himself. I did it because I was trying to show him that I thought about him, and thought about his interests. He didn't even act APPRECIATIVE of the gesture...which is what bothers me the most.

After ignoring the top, he goes, "I'm going to get some dinner." I asked if he was going to get some for me too...he said, "Oh, yeah, I suppose," and asked what I wanted. I asked which shop he was planning on going to...I would just pick something from the menu there so I didn't send him driving off to some other shop. He chose KFC. I put in my order, off he went.

He came back only about 2 minutes later, and said that he'd changed his mind - he wanted pizza. I was feeding DD at the time, and he asks me if I can order the pizza for him. Pfft - I was doing something...he wasn't. I refused (kind of aggresively because I was still mad about the t-shirt).

It all turned into me crying and getting angry at him (even to the point of saying, "I HATE YOU! I HATE THE WAY YOU TREAT ME!")...and him kind of going "oh" and watching TV. He retreated to another room to play his PS2 (typical), and after a bit, I went in there too. I wanted to know how he felt about me...if I was putting effort in for no reason. I told him that I don't want to be with someone that doesn't really want to be with me.

I asked him plenty of questions...but he just said, "I don't know" and kept playing his game. The only thing he said "no" to was when I asked him to turn off his game and talk to me - because I really needed to know how he feels.

I asked him if he likes me, "I don't know." I asked if he'd care if he didn't see me again, he said he'd have to see because he'd want to see Chanel. I asked him if the only reason he's at my house is so he can see Chanel...he said "Um...oh...nah...I also don't like my other place." I asked if he loves me at all, he said "I don't know."

It's hard to know if he really DOESN'T know, or if he's just saying that because it's his standard response to EVERYTHING I ask him!

I'm getting sick and tired of being treated like I'm just "there" and that I don't really mean anything to him. I'm also sick and tired of never knowing how he feels because he NEVER tells me ANYTHING.

Sometimes I fantasize about random men flirting with me, or falling in love with me...and I think it's because DP doesn't make me feel loved or attractive or anything. I never used to feel like I wish I were the women in stupid romantic comedies...but sometimes when I watch them now, I even CRY because I'm so jealous that some guy came along and swept them off their feet.

Before a lot of my plans were made by thinking "we"...now I plan by thinking "I". Sometimes I just don't even feel like I'm in a relationship at all...sometimes I even think about how (when I lose weight) I should go and pick up guys...regardless of what's going on with DP. I feel bad because he's my partner, and i love him, and I shouldn't be fantasizing about cheating on him...but in my head, it's just so much nicer than it is in reality.

WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? Am I supposed to leave him? I don't want to...but I also don't want to be stuck in this god-damned loveless rut!

(PS...sorry for the LONG post...all my posts are long though...)

[MariaO]

Stacey,

Give yourself a big hug. What a terrible time you have been having. The situation definitely needs to change - your confidence is being eroded.

Could it be that your parter is suffering from depression? Is there a friend or family member you could involve to mediate?

You need to take care of yourself, and be happy for yourself and your daughter - remember this is his problem not yours. Treat yourself to a new top next time.

I wish I had something useful to say to you.

best of luck.

[Ange&Seth]

All I can say Chic is that this sounds EXACTLY like my mum and dad. All Dad said was 'I dunno' whenever mum asked him a question and she felt exactly like you (well, so she's told me, I wasn't even thought of then!). She ended up throwing a full glass ashtray at him (you know those big chunky ones they had in the 70's?). He left. They got divorced. My mum was only 21, with a 3 and 4 yo. So after 4 yrs, my Dad came back, and 4 yrs after that they had me and got married again!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that maybe he feels like he's too young to be the 'family man'. Maybe he needs to go and figure out what he wants? It certainly sounds like things aren't going to get any better. And it's just not good enough that you feel this way when you're around him. If he loved you babe, he'd tell you when you asked him, and he'd probably get upset at you for doubting that love. I think for your sake and Chanel's then you need to MAKE him talk to you. And if he won't, take the hard line and say talk to me about this or get out. See what he does. If he takes the second option, then you'll have your answer anyway.

I hope you feel better soon chic and feel free to PM me anytime, or add me to MSN if you like.

P.S. just re-read this and I realise that it might sound a bit harsh, but I really don't mean it that way, it's just late, and I'm stuffed and I need to go to bed :sleeping: so I don't have the brain power to rewrite it diplomatically.

[LittleBoysRock]

:hugs:

I kind of know how you feel. I feel this way sometime too and it isnt nice. I normally make DH sit down and talk things through with me. I find being brutally honest gets his attention.

I really hope things get better between you guys soon. If you need a friend, PM me. :)

[misskittyfantastico]

I'm sorry you're going through such an awful time. I think you really must sit him down and communicate to him that he is destroying your confidence. The idea of a mediator or cousellor is a good one.
You don't deserve to be treated this way. I hope things improve for you soon:hugs:

[the_queen]

The other girls here have given you good advice, I just wanted to add this :

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:


Do you love him? I mean, do you REALLY love him? Do you want to work things out and make things better? Not just for Chanel's sake, but for the sake of your relationship? You're always going to be co-parents, what you need to decide now is whether or not you want to be life-partners. From how you've described him, it sounds like he doesn't care one way or the other - but YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THAT. You deserve someone who wants to spend time with you. You deserve someone who would love you if you looked like that woman on Dr. Phil the other day who was over 200kgs. You deserve someone who not only loves you, but likes you and respects you and desires you.

If you break the relationship up, one of two things will happen: either he'll realise how stupid he's been and he'll change his ways and it'll all work out like those romantic movies you watch; or you will realise that you're better off without him. And btw, you being without him does not mean Chanel will be without him. Chanel will be better off in a happy household, regardless of the number of adults there. Like Dr. Phil says, children would rather be from a broken home than live in one.

You know what you have to do, you just listen to your instincts and remember what a fantastic person you are, and look at the situation objectively: if a friend of yours was in this situation, what would you tell her to do?

[ForeverMine]

I feel that I shouldn't really be replying to your problem, but as a friend I saw that you were hurting and I just wanted to say thing...short and sweet. A couple of people have already said it, but I'll say it anyway, just for repeatitive sakes.

Just listen to your instincts.

Hope everything gets better soon. :)

[SassyMummy]

Thanks for all of the replies.

I still don't know what's really going on...

Last night DP came home, and the first thing he did was give me a hug and kiss me...even though we'd been fighting the last time I saw him.

I can imagine he's sick and tired of me asking him to confirm his feelings for me...I DO pretty much ask him ALL THE TIME. lol. I'd be sick of it too I think. I'm just a pathetic insecure girly sometimes...lol.

Yeah, I DO love him. At least, I believe I do. I don't want to be with him for Chanel's sake...I don't really see the point in that. If we DID break up she'd probably end up seeing him just as much as she does now anyway (he works days AND nights - 10am-10pm, and therefore she doesn't see much of him anyway), so it's not really an issue.

I DO sometimes freak out though. I have this idea that I've chosen my partner and I've just got to stick with it. Mostly because I DO NOT want to deal with finding someone else WHEN I HAVE A DAUGHTER. I also wouldn't want a step-mother in Chanel's life...I would hate to think that some other woman was co-raising her. Selfish, I know.

LikeI said, I do want to make our relationship work. I imagine it's just that we've hit a rough patch...things are so...BORING for both of us. Neither of us have anything too interesting going on in our lives at the moment...each day just drifts into the next.

Thanks again for the suggestions and advice!:thumbsup:

[MumOfTwoBoys]

Thanks for all of the replies.

I still don't know what's really going on...



If I were you I would probably stop asking him what's is wrong/what happen/ etc as it can be quite irritating for him. I'd imagine how you keep asking, he becomes angry you become upset and angry too and...yet another conflict.

Try to step aside and please try to concentrate and remember the last time he was "his old self", the guy you fell in love with. Then try to remember when you first started to get those "dunno" replys. And (that's the hard part) try to remember EVERYTHING that happened to him or to you both in between these two events. A sudden letter, new person in your life, medical check, job change, house move.... Something HAD to trigger this behaviour change of his. If you are lucky, you might get the idea of the true reason behind his rude behaviour without asking him. If you know the reason, it is easier to find a solution. Good luck. :hugs:

[Jackson84]

hi stacy,

i thought i might try and give a blokes perspective, so apologies if it doesnt come out right.

firstly, i notice that your DD is still very young. nothing changes your life like a baby, and this is as big a change for your DP as it is for you.

also, if your DP is as young as you, there is something very important to remember - he is still in adolescence. i dont mean this is a demeaning way, but men do not finish adolescence until they are almost 30, so chances are his hormones are as crazy as yours (and trust me, yours wil be crazy for some time yet).

another important thing to note, is that men rely on physical sensations to determine moods (unlike women who use visual stimuli). this will have two effects: one, unless you are in physical contact with him when you are upset, he isnt going to correctly guage how upset you are. secondly, men tend to be prone to insensitivity as a result. this does however, provide some good news:
the same insensitivity that makes it difficult for men to read people, keeps men in good stead for cutting their losses when a relationship isnt working, rather than making futile attempts to work things out.

so if he is still coming home at night, then chances are he believes that there is still something worth hanging on to.

now, a few pointers from my "relationship bible" (after i read this book, my relationship with DH has never been better): over 100 things women should know about men

1) 94% of men would like to change something about their physical appearance. if you are having body image problems, he might be aswel.

2) men are basically nesters: researchers at the university of illinois found that men are happiest at home - he feels more in control in his own surroundings. instead of trying to go out, get somebody to take the bubs (if you are happy with that) and do something "romantic" at home.

3) stop dieting - men love curves.

4)make it thigh-high and lacy. according to one survey, lingerie ranked way over toys, games and sharing fantasies as the average male's favourite erotic aid (by the way, the wowza-wowza combo is high heels and lots of make-up)

5) researches at bowling green university found that men rate making love as one of their top romantic acts. the one they hardly mentioned: saying/hearing "i love you"

6) the awful truth is, most men have no idea how they feel at any given time. studies show the men use language to establish difference, seperateness and independence (the exact opposit of women who use language to connect). so demanding that he talk to you is guaranteed to make him squirm and start rambling about whether new Cheerios really are improved.
these are some examples the book provides for guys "double speak:

he says: nothing's wrong, i'm fine.
he means: god, i konw you want to talk about my day and all my interrelationships with my colleagues and boss and the guy who drives my bus, but i am home now and i just want to drink ten beers, eat a bag of chips for dinner and zone out.

he says: i dont know what i want
he means: i dont want you

he says: i need some space
he means: im about this close to dumping you but i havent worked up the nerve yet

he says: i love you
he means: you make me incredibly happy whenever we are together. i thinky ou may be THE ONE

7) the university of housten psycologists investigating why men keep things bottles up found it was to maintain power in a relationship - when they dont talk, their partner is left guessing. you do the same and hell be putty in your hands.

a man will say "im fine" even when tortured by zulu warriors. its in his nature not to reveal weakness because that betrays vulnerability, which comes off as a lack of status.

8) men dont want to talk about the relationship - they just want to do it. in his mind, if he didnt love you he would leave. he thinks "if we need to talk about the relationship, it must be broken. if it is broken, it means its doomed. im outta here"

9) the following can make a man "lose his lust"

- too much desire (which leads to a fear of failure and then failure itself)
- univesity of housten studies found that anger makes men's desire wane, while anxiety (they used the threat of electric shock) actually increases the size of their erection
- depression is the most common clinical dampener of lust. even mild levels of the blues can make his "noodle" drop.

10) the most prominant life concerns for men are:
- he is scared of violating the code of guys: a man will not appear to be ruled by his girlfriend, his mother or his boss, or anything other than his penis for fear of being ousted from the group.
- he's worried about his thread count: most men would rather be castrated than go bald...
- he's afraid of you: this can be traced back millions of years to men being awed by the things that women can do (and they cant) - menstruate, have children, do more than two things at the same time...


ok. so after all of that. this is what i think: he is having a rough time too. when i ran into similar problems with my DH and i learned all of this i did a couple of things:
- i backed off. then i wrote him a letter explaining how much i appreciated him, how much i loved him, as well as what was concerning me and how if behaviour influenced my feelings. letters are good because they can take it into their 'cave' and read it in private. it also means he is allowed to reply in turn - by writing a letter instead of talking. it is easier.
- i bought some slinky black underwear and showed it to him... then waited... and then put it on LOL
- i thanked him for everything he did: from coming home each day, to playing with DS, to putting his dirty washing out in the laundry
- i made short, specific requests when i wanted him to do something. and always used "would" instead of "could" (they mean different things and guys tend to be pedantic...)
ie "would you please help me bring in the shopping" instead of "could i get some help???" (what kind of help? being the obvious question).


it really did change our relationship. it wasnt long before he started talking to me about the things that were bothering him. i think in just accepting him he learned that it was ok to feel insecure/upset/sad - i wasnt going to leave him for being "weak"

having said that, you need to decide what you want first. if you want to stay with him, you have to be prepared to make the concessions. this does not mean belittling yourself, and putting yourself under his complete control - this means making an effort to understand how and what he thinks, and how your behaviour affects him. the most important thign to remember is that YOU CANT CHANGE HIM. he can only change himself, and this is easier if you accept him and love him, and give him the opportunity to do so.

if you suspect depression or cheating, then do something more overt. if depression, go and speak to your doctor about it. chances are he wont want to, but if at least you know what is going on, then you will have a better chance of helping him.
if cheating - walk out. men thrive on competition, and if he really wants you he will drop the "other woman" and stay faithful. showing him that you are not prepared to be his "*****" (literally) will command his respect. whether or not you take him back is another thing altogether...

thats all i can think of for now. :) i apologise for the length, and best of luck! :hugs:

[SassyMummy]

Thanks for that Jackson84 and MumofTwoBoys! I'm definately TRYING to let things go a bit more...rather than harrass him for answers.


- i bought some slinky black underwear and showed it to him... then waited... and then put it on LOL

Lol...doubt I'll be doing THAT any time soon (just what DP wants to see...a stretch-marked saggy apron hanging over some nice undies...:laughing: ).