I always wanted a girl...

[2made3]

I am mum to 2 boys. Whom I love with all my heart. BUT all I EVER wanted was a girl :(. When I found out my first born was going to be a boy, it didn't bother me coz I knew we were going to have at least 2 kids. But when I found out my second baby was ALSO a boy, I was so disappointed. And all my friends managed to get one boy and one girl except me. My heart broke when they were so excited coz they got what they wanted. I was sooo jealous! I know this sounds awful and selfish, but I get really sad that I never got a girl. I told DH but he doesn't understand. Why would he? He got his 2 boys! I still love my boys dearly, but I desperately want a girl....

Is it horrible to feel this way?? Why can't I just get over it and appreciate that I have 2 gorgeous, healthy boys???? :crying: It makes me feel even worse :(.....

[2made3]

ok... I guess I'm the awful mother... :no:

[cmd'smum]

No you're not an awful mum :no::hugs:

I think these feelings are normal, I have always wanted to have 2 girls, I would probably have felt the same way as you if I didn't have at least one. It IS NOT because you don't love, appreciate and adore your boys, but your dream of a mother/daughter relationship hasn't been realised? Thats my 2 cents anyway!

I really hope you get your healthy baby girl one day, you never know!!;):D

[2made3]

Thanks cmd'smum. I think you are exactly right. I mourn for that mother/daughter relationship!

[LoveMyBoys]

I understand how you feel....I had 4 boys before i had my girl......i was never disappointed with my boys......i knew i wanted lots of kids and figured id hopefully get one eventually!! My dh really wanted a girl too....but the thing that got to me was when my eldest son asked for a baby sister for xmas!

I also wanted that mother/daughter bond too.....like i have with my own mum

gender disappointment is very real and you cant help how you feel:hugs:

[pixiemum2]

There is absolutley nothing wrong with what you are feeling. I was over the moon when I found out we were having a girl after a boy. If we had had another boy I would have been disapointed as well because I have always wanted a girl (what mother doesn't). I would have kept trying maybe until about 6 kids for a girl :D.
You never know what the future may hold for you so I have my fingers crossed for you :fingerscrossed::hugs:.

[cja]

My second baby was a girl otherwise I would have felt like you. The door would also have been open for a third baby....by the way we used the Shettles method to try and have a girl it is all about the timing and i think it worked (well it expalins why DS was a boy, and we were successful having a girl using it)

Of course it is so important to have a happy healthy baby first...

[QTB]

Gender dissapointment is a very real thing. its not that you are selfish, or dont love your 2 sons. so dont ever feel guilty for wanted a girl and being disappointed.

anyway, like you we wanted a girl second time round, but as we didnt find out the sex i just worked myself up that it was a boy. my DH was devestated we had a second boy and he really thought DS2 was a girl. he loves both our boys, but has wanted a girl right from the start.

we have always planned more than 2 bubs (although cant agree when to stop - he wants 3 i want 4 lol)

so we know we have at least one more chance to get a girl.

are you going to have a 3rd bub?

[sandy cheeks]

My second was a girl I would have felt the same way now I feel guilty cos most people I no have all the same and they planned there's I have one of each both unplanned:o
When i was preg with dd I didn't even believe the ultrasound I expected a boy so I wouldn't be upset.
I only wanted a girl and with ds(1 born) when I found out he was a boy I was so upset as I was never planning any others.

[Tam-I-Am]

I agree that gender disappointment is real and valid - and no, I don't think it makes you a bad person or mother, not at all :)

But I do think that sometimes when we get disappointed on the basis of gender, it can say something about what meaning you attach to gender. Ie - if you had a girl, what is it that you would do differently with her than you do with your sons? Is it that she could wear different clothes (ie pretty girly clothes), that you would share a different emotional relationship with her, that you could do different things with her? I think by examining the reasons you crave a daughter - and then debunking them (ie she might be a 'tom boy' who hates wearing dresses. She might be a daddy's girl who gets along better with her dad than you. She might challange you in ways your boys don't. You might have an absolute personality clash with her that you find difficult to overcome etc) that you might be able to realise that it's not necessarily gender that brings about the things that you crave in a child.

I always get a bit concerned when I hear of a parent craving one sex over the other - because sex has very little to do with how we interact with our children, particularly in the beginning...and perhaps you would be placing unrealistic expectations on any girl child that you had, if you were to have another?

Anyway...I hope you can find some peace with your situation :hugs:

[TuesdaysPrincess]

I mourn for that mother/daughter relationship!

You summed it up for me in that sentence. I feel exactly the same way, I am due with my second son in about two weeks, and as much as I am so happy and so blessed, it does hurt sometimes to think that I may not get that special relationship with a daughter. I am best friends with my mother, and when I pictured myself as a mother, it was always to a little girl.

People on here have very strong opinions about this stuff and I'm sure you'll get the inevitable post about how you should consider yourself lucky that you have two healthy babies (and I know you do!), but it is perfectly ok to feel this way!

It is almost like mourning for the loss of something that never was... you had ideas of how your life would turn out and it didn't eventuate, and it's ok to feel sad about that. I think you are very brave for raising this issue, but don't let people's negative posts sway you from expressing your thoughts and feelings if it helps you deal with this.

[gymmummy]

No your not awful:hugs:

i've always dreamed of a boy- and lucky i got one- but i sometimes think if i didnt get the boy i wanted would i love her as much as i love my son- i adore him.
to tell you the truth alot of my friends that have one of each say the boys are more affectionate- and believe me i think my boy is a little charmer to me.:kiss:i have the best close relationship to him.

and also the whole mother daughter thing can be over rated to- i know alot of girls as in grown up women who dont have that closeness with there mum at all including my sister- shes done some nasty things to my mum for the last 30years- never been close- so really its never garenteed which sex you get and the closeness they will have with either parent. my son is closer to me then his dad- and i'm sure men expect the same from little boys with the closeness to them but that dosent happen either.

enjoy your healthy boys:goodvibes:

[trin_007]

Hi Boymummy,

You are certainly not alone - I felt exactly the same way when I found out #2 was also going to be a boy and it took me a good couple of months to even get used to the idea. I am due in April and I think I still have some concerns about how I will deal with the difficult times - would it be different if he was girl?

I never planned on having 3 children, I'm not sure how we would manage and I've left it fairly late to start my family, so I just suppose I'll have to wait and see how I'm feeling in a year or two and see whether I can live without that special relationship I've always dreamed of.

[Lissa7]

Gender has never been an issue for me I don't know if that's because it took us 2yrs to conceive DD1 and I know that feeling of wondering if I could even have a baby???

I do however feel very, very lucky to have 3 girls they will be my best friends forever and like my DH says he has 4 girls (including me) that are going to spoil him rotten for the rest of his life!!! He adores his girls and wouldn't change it for the world.

On the other hand we get so offended when people ask us if we are disappointed that DD3 wasn't a boy!!!!! We just wanted 3 children :rolleyes:

I do have a few girlfriends that feel like you too and have a certain yearning for a little girl of their own. I guess I could get all defensive and say just be happy with what you have etc... but then I have 3 girls so I don't understand the feeling that you have!!!

I Hope you get your little girl one day but in the meantime enjoy your little men I watch my friends with their sons and they too have a very special bond with their mum's:flowerz: Although I'm sure you already are x

[just her chameleon]

It is definitely not horrible to feel this way. You had your heart set on something, and now you're realising it's not going to happen. It's only natural to mourn for your loss (so to speak).

Please don't beat yourself up over the way your feeling. It's completely natural and normal IMO.

:hugs: You will start to feel better soon, I'm sure of it.

[faroutbrusselsprout]

As the others have said, Gender Disappointment is very real and often a taboo subject.
It can stem from so many different places and it's good you have the courage to talk about it.
The last few weeks I have been very honest with myself and realised that I too am experiencing some mixed feelings about the sex of my baby (which I don't know.)
After losing Matilda, we were just so excited to be pregnant again.
Yet as the pregnancy has progressed I am worried I will be disappointed if this baby is a boy..
I feel I was cheated out of being the mum to a little girl and I want that so very much.
Matilda was our first baby together, we both have boys from previous relationships, so in a way it was nice to have something "new" to experience together..
There are people out there who won't understand how I feel and think I should be so thankful for being able to have a healthy baby, and after losing a baby, trust me I know what it means to be thankful.
Yet, our minds sometimes have other ideas and we can't help having these types of feelings, for whatever reason.
Nothing about feeling this way is wrong or evil, but it IS important to talk about it and be honest with yourself and your partner.
I know that when that tiny baby is placed in my arms gender preference will be a distant memory...

[becca022]

I would've felt the same as you if dd was a boy. Dp has always wanted a girl too & was more dissapointed that ds was a boy than I was.

What you feel is completely normal & you're not a bad mother.:hugs:

[2made3]

Thank you so much for all your supportive responses. It really does help. I have discussed with DH about trying for #3 but he is aware of my feelings and naturally worried "what happens if I fall pg with another boy?". I understand the possibilities of that happening. I'm sure I would absolutely love that boy like I love the 2 I already have. It just means nothing would change - other than having another boy to love! But sometimes I feel like we should try again just to know "I tired" for a girl IYKWIM.

I definately wouldn't have more than 3 kids. We were only going to have 2, but after having 2 boys, I have been really keen to at least try one more time!! And have really become used to the idea of having 3 kids.

I can't answer my DH with 100% confidence that I wouldn't be "disappointed" having another boy, but I would definately NOT have another baby just to have a girl. I think then I would be setting myself up for disappointment for sure if it were to be a boy. I think I could definately handle another boy, and love him just as much as I do DS1 & DS2. BUT I would still have loved to raise a daughter :(.

[cmd'smum]

Gender has never been an issue for me I don't know if that's because it took us 2yrs to conceive DD1 and I know that feeling of wondering if I could even have a baby???

I do however feel very, very lucky to have 3 girls they will be my best friends forever and like my DH says he has 4 girls (including me) that are going to spoil him rotten for the rest of his life!!! He adores his girls and wouldn't change it for the world.

On the other hand we get so offended when people ask us if we are disappointed that DD3 wasn't a boy!!!!! We just wanted 3 children :rolleyes:

I do have a few girlfriends that feel like you too and have a certain yearning for a little girl of their own. I guess I could get all defensive and say just be happy with what you have etc... but then I have 3 girls so I don't understand the feeling that you have!!!

I Hope you get your little girl one day but in the meantime enjoy your little men I watch my friends with their sons and they too have a very special bond with their mum's:flowerz: Although I'm sure you already are x


I'm going to have 3 girls too come July! :D I also get people saying to me "hopefully it's a boy this time" :eek: :rolleyes:Go figure!!!

I have friends with a boy and we see them quite abit and in all honesty, you don't even think about their diff "genders" they're just "the kids" and they act just the same when playing together :yes:

[cmd'smum]

As the others have said, Gender Disappointment is very real and often a taboo subject.
It can stem from so many different places and it's good you have the courage to talk about it.
The last few weeks I have been very honest with myself and realised that I too am experiencing some mixed feelings about the sex of my baby (which I don't know.)
After losing Matilda, we were just so excited to be pregnant again.
Yet as the pregnancy has progressed I am worried I will be disappointed if this baby is a boy..
I feel I was cheated out of being the mum to a little girl and I want that so very much.
Matilda was our first baby together, we both have boys from previous relationships, so in a way it was nice to have something "new" to experience together..
There are people out there who won't understand how I feel and think I should be so thankful for being able to have a healthy baby, and after losing a baby, trust me I know what it means to be thankful.
Yet, our minds sometimes have other ideas and we can't help having these types of feelings, for whatever reason.
Nothing about feeling this way is wrong or evil, but it IS important to talk about it and be honest with yourself and your partner.
I know that when that tiny baby is placed in my arms gender preference will be a distant memory...

So sorry for the loss of your little girl BM :hugs:

[cmd'smum]

Thank you so much for all your supportive responses. It really does help. I have discussed with DH about trying for #3 but he is aware of my feelings and naturally worried "what happens if I fall pg with another boy?". I understand the possibilities of that happening. I'm sure I would absolutely love that boy like I love the 2 I already have. It just means nothing would change - other than having another boy to love! But sometimes I feel like we should try again just to know "I tired" for a girl IYKWIM.

I definately wouldn't have more than 3 kids. We were only going to have 2, but after having 2 boys, I have been really keen to at least try one more time!! And have really become used to the idea of having 3 kids.

I can't answer my DH with 100% confidence that I wouldn't be "disappointed" having another boy, but I would definately NOT have another baby just to have a girl. I think then I would be setting myself up for disappointment for sure if it were to be a boy. I think I could definately handle another boy, and love him just as much as I do DS1 & DS2. BUT I would still have loved to raise a daughter :(.


all the best with whatever yo decide :hugs:

And if you don't end up with a daughter, I bet you'll end up with lots of grandaughters to spoil in the future! :D

[2made3]

all the best with whatever yo decide :hugs:

And if you don't end up with a daughter, I bet you'll end up with lots of grandaughters to spoil in the future! :D

Thank you again. I can only hope!!!!

[littlemissmoi]

Not even that, daughters-in-law as well... My mum absolutely adores her daughters-in-law, and even to me, they are like sisters.

[~Temet Nosce~]

:hugs: I understand how you feel. I would really like my second baby to be a boy, and I won't lie, I will be dissapointed if I have another girl. It is very real, and doesn't make you any less of a good mother.
But I also know that no matter what, the baby is still my child, my own flesh and blood, and I will love them all the same.

[melbryan]

Like everyone else it really does hurt and every time I would find out it was another boy I was disappointed but I would say God gave me these boys for a reason and I am s'posed to be here for them. By the fourth pregnany I was ready for another boy cause I thought that is what i would get instead I cried cause I didn't think I was worthy enough.
And when you see everyone else around you have one of each like my mum and dad I would feel why am I not good enough to have at least one of each.
The way I felt I knew I was not ready to stop until I had really tried for another. We wanted to try for a girl but we wanted a baby.
Dh and I sat down I really expressed how I felt and he felt financially and what it would mean for our family as a whole and that was the beginning he would love a girl too but I was willing to stop at 3 if we weren't in agreeance.
I went and did alot of research into gender selection diets and timing and thought if it doesn't work out our boys will have another brother I adore them all and have found even more love for the next one that came.
We decided we wanted a baby and not just a girl, we tried for one month and then came the BFP. Some people get 6 boys then stop or 4 or 5 and instead of passing judgement I learnt that these parents were meant to have this many boys. Deep down I think I wanted a good mother and daughter relationship and to see DH raise a daughter, my mum wasn't really a girly mum who did things with me which I think I missed out on. I really feel complete now and we are overjoyed to add our little girl to the mix. The boys will be protective but they will learn about how to reat girls and be sensitve to their feelings etc. We always wanted the chance to raise boys and girl they are very different in their natures.

[JessieLee]

I don't think there's anything strange about the way you're feeling. I found out that I'm having a girl this time after already having a son, and I know that if I had been told that I was having a boy(or if it turns out I do have a boy :p) I would've been very disappointed. It doesn't mean I wouldn't love that boy or feel so lucky to have that boy, it would just mean that I would be sad I didn't get to experience raising one of each. And of course, I think most mothers want to have a little girl. Are you going to try for another, or was your limit two?

[squiglet]

No your not an awfull mother at all. You love your boys, but would love very much to have a girl baby to spoil too.:hugs::hugs:

[Silvana]

I am the same, except I would like a boy. I have two girls, and we always did want 3. But we both agreed that if the third was a girl, then that's it. That's the way it was meant to be.

DD1 is such a tomboy, and really loves playing with trucks, running around in the yard and the garden, loves being chased, thrown in the air, getting dirty, and hasn't taken much interest in her dolls. She is a complete daredevil and totally lacks fear. She is affectionate, but not if it stops her from doing something.

DD2, while only 7 months is incredibily affectionate, quiet, loves being held, loves stuffed toys (DD 1 never did, still doesn't), even though she is only young, I know she will be different.

All I am saying is that even if we have a particular sex, doesn't mean that they will be girly if they are a girl, or completely macho if they were a boy, and it is really their personalities that determine how you bond with them.

I know how you feel, and I know you love your boys, but boys can be incredibily affectionate (I have heard!), even though they become aloof as teenagers, they will always love their mummas! (ask DH, he is a mummas boy!)

[2made3]

Like everyone else it really does hurt and every time I would find out it was another boy I was disappointed but I would say God gave me these boys for a reason and I am s'posed to be here for them. By the fourth pregnany I was ready for another boy cause I thought that is what i would get instead I cried cause I didn't think I was worthy enough.
And when you see everyone else around you have one of each like my mum and dad I would feel why am I not good enough to have at least one of each.
The way I felt I knew I was not ready to stop until I had really tried for another. We wanted to try for a girl but we wanted a baby.
Dh and I sat down I really expressed how I felt and he felt financially and what it would mean for our family as a whole and that was the beginning he would love a girl too but I was willing to stop at 3 if we weren't in agreeance.
I went and did alot of research into gender selection diets and timing and thought if it doesn't work out our boys will have another brother I adore them all and have found even more love for the next one that came.
We decided we wanted a baby and not just a girl, we tried for one month and then came the BFP. Some people get 6 boys then stop or 4 or 5 and instead of passing judgement I learnt that these parents were meant to have this many boys. Deep down I think I wanted a good mother and daughter relationship and to see DH raise a daughter, my mum wasn't really a girly mum who did things with me which I think I missed out on. I really feel complete now and we are overjoyed to add our little girl to the mix. The boys will be protective but they will learn about how to reat girls and be sensitve to their feelings etc. We always wanted the chance to raise boys and girl they are very different in their natures.

Congrats melbryan on getting your DD!!!!! :yelclap: Would love to hear how you find having her among all your boys :).

[Shananaaah]

Isn't it crazy how we beat ourselves up over things that are basically out of our control?

We had DS1 (didn't find out the sex until birth) I was completely convinced he was a girl. When he came out and had a penis, I asked DH to double check! :laughing: I wasn't disappointed in the slightest, just confused because I was sure my body had been sending me "girl" vibes. Plus we hadn't settled on a name, so he was nameless for about 2 days!

Then when we found out we were expecting DD1, the responses from people were so bizarre - I'm surprised I didn't go batty.

I would get: "oh aren't you lucky, a pigeon pair"
or: "gee that's a shame, DS1 could have had a little playmate"
or: "well you don't need to have anymore do you?"
or: "you'll have to have 2 more so they each have a little buddy"
or: "one for daddy, one for mummy"

It started to drive me nuts, like there were expectations of what my children should be like before they were even born. And I started doubting *myself* over what kind of mother I could be to a boy or girl and did that make me a bad person? Was I secretly "ok" with my kids? And this was all caused my peoples' (unintentionally) tactless comments.

I mean, come on!!! What business is it of anyone else what gender our babies are? I know everyone is always excited about it, but does it matter to them?? NO, its not their children!!

You have absolutely NO REASON to feel guilty - you feel like you have not been offered the chance to have the mother/daughter relationship, and I think that is a perfectly natural reaction. Hopefully it may come to you yet, even if it is in another form.

I also think you are VERY honest and brave posting about it here - hopefully it will make others who are too afraid to air their thoughts and emotions realise that it doesn't make them a BAD MOTHER!! :hugs:

[farmerswife]

Im expecting DS 3 in July. DH and i both had a period of disappointment when we found out and i will always wonder what it would have been like to have a little girl.

[removed by admin]

[guerin]

Oh pluck up , you never know one of them may grow up to become a gay cross dresser.

Theres always hope. ;)

[2made3]

Im expecting DS 3 in July. DH and i both had a period of disappointment when we found out and i will always wonder what it would have been like to have a little girl.

There is group on a different forum for mums with all boys. If you want the details let me know. Its full of posts exactly like yours and i found the support there amazing.

This will SO happen to me!! If we do finally decide to go for #3. Would love to have those details on the other forum thank you :flowerz:. Good luck with bub #3 :).

[2made3]

Oh pluck up , you never know one of them may grow up to become a gay cross dresser.

Theres always hope. ;)

Funnily enough I tell myself this all the time!!! Much to my DH disgust :p.

[Mischief]

Have you seen "The Family Stone" ? :D If not, you have too! LOL

[2made3]

No I haven't seen the Family Stone. Will remember that next time I have time to watch a movie :p thanks :).

[Mischief]

The one son is gay, and the mother says almost exactly what you did.

That she secretly hoped all her boys would be gay so that they would never want to leave her. :)

I love that movie. LOL

[SimplyMum]

I definatley get the gender disappointment.

I wanted a girl but was pleasently surprised with a boy.

My SIL has always wanted a girl. The first was supposed to be a girl (75% chance) and turned out to be a beautiful boy!

The 2nd we knew was a boy. :o Although when she found out she was visibly disappointed.

The third, we're still waiting. She said if it's a boy- she'll cry.:(

I am a little concerned about either prospect.

I'm scared if she gets what she wants and gets a girl than the girl will be spoiled and the 2 older boys will be forgotton about.

But than I'm scared if she gets a boy, she'll be really upset which may lead to resentment towards the boys.

I hope it works out.

[Moorish]

I also understand where you're coming from - we were always going to have 4 children if we could and when we found out that DD3 was a girl I felt a brief moment of disappointment - and then overwhelming guilt :rolleyes:.
So I was in the opposite situation to you gender wise.

When we decided to try for our 4th we put a little research into it and "tried". We got our little boy and all was right with the world (according to the family who got their grandson who would pass on the family name :rolleyes:).
In my experience the mother/daughter relationship can be over-rated. I never had a close relationship with my mum, however I vow for that to be different with my daughters - yet I feel that I have a more affectionate relationship with my son (although it could also simply be the age).
Now with one final baby on the way (another son by the way ;)) I feel a sense of balance and completion that I didn't feel after Alex.

Mothers guilt is a powerful thing and it does not make you a bad mother for having a desire for a particular gender. As heartbreaking as it may be to feel you may never have a daughter, you can always have a 3rd so long as you're prepared for having either gender.

I hope it works out for you whatever you decide and please feel free to pm if you need to talk to someone who'd (sort of) been in your shoes! :hugs:

[2made3]

Thank you so much Moorish. And congratulations!!!

I have been thinking about these replies and wonder to myself if I am not "satisfied" with boys because I never had good relationships with any of the men in my family??? I feel like I will be putting in all this effort and love with my boys and the end result will be like the relationship I don't really have with the men in my family - does that make sense :confused:??

Maybe I am just scared my sons will "leave" me when they are older?? I know I would love to have a mother/daughter relationship like I do with my mum, and even my sister. Perhaps it comes down to a matter of upbringing?? Maybe if I had good male role models I would be more than happy with raising 2 boys???? :(

Its sad to think this might be why I crave a daughter... what do you think??