What to do??

[Dreaming38]

Hi, I'm new to Bub Hub. Probably because my 'babies' are now 13 and nearly 15. I've been divorced for six years and late last year have met the most wonderful man. We've fallen madly in love. That's the good news! The other side is as he's a little younger than me and never had kids he of course would like to be a father. I myself thought my baby days were long gone. So, its a deal breaker. I understand totally his position as I would be the same. I really didn't think I'd be starting over again at this age though, I'm nearly 39. Has anyone got any thoughts they can share with me?

[jo101]

Firstly, welcome to BH :shakehands: one problem though, its really addictive :laughing:. I too was in your position, met my DH about 2 1/2 years ago my kids were 14 and 10 at the time. He was really keen to start a family as soon as possible! problem was, I'd had a tubal ligation!! To cut a long story short, I'm now 17 weeks pregnant with our first child together ( on our 3rd ivf attempt )
What I would suggest is asking yourself how you really feel about it. It sounds like your really weighing up what to do. Its a tough decision without a doubt and if your like me one you never thought in a million years you would face again!! what sucks is time isn't on our side at this age, and the pressures on to make a decision and quickly. I guess it depends on how commited and stable your relationship is, is it heading towards marriage? does he get on reasonably well with your kids and vice versa?? a blended family isn't easy, and takes a lot of effort and good luck to make it work. Having said that, what is your gut instinct telling you? do you feel able to cope with the rigours of pregnancy and birth again? I'm finding pregnancy at this age not easy, the first trimester I could hardly drag myself out of bed from day to day.What about when the babys born? how will you all cope on one income even if its just for a short time till you go back to work. My SIL was also in this position, a few years older than me, with 3 kids the youngest aged 10. Teenagers are expensive, and she was only able to have six weeks off before having to go back to work fulltime. These are all issues I'm coming to terms with and TBH it worries me how were going to manage afterwards. We also moved to another town for DH's work so I don't have any family around to help. Of course its a wonderful blessing and were both eternally grateful to be having this bub and my kids are very exited, they never thought they'd have a sibling.
Good luck with making your decision, I know exactly what your going through :hugs: you can alway pm me.

[Dreaming38]

Wow! It's like you're reading my every thought:wave:. It's very serious very quickly. Maybe because of the age thing that 'babies' (or lack of them) was raised by me early. I basically said early on that I wouldn't have any more kids, or hadn't planned to anyway. He wants at least one and was so distraught and sad at the potential situation that put us in. I'm so torn. All of the things you said in your email are going through my head. When I'm stressed I'm thinking there is no way on earth I can go there again. When all is ok with the world then....maybe (reluctantly!). A lot to consider and SO VERY MUCH appreciate you responding as not really discussing it with anyone I'm close to at the moment. I think they'd all be shocked to the core if I got pregnant!!!
Take care and stay in touch. Hope you're feeling better soon. M :)

[Amara]

My situation was a little different to yours but thought I'd throw my 2 cents in anyway.

After many years of unsuccessful years of TTC with my ex husband and a couple of single years I met a younger man. He already had a child. He wanted us to have one together. I was reluctant to start trying as I was worried I'd have trouble concieving plus I was also concerned about being pregnant, giving birth & being a mum to a bub over the age of 40.

I eventually decided to give it a try. It took around 16 months of ttc & 3 pregnancies to get a successful one (without any assistance). It was very stressful on the relationship. Think about how unsuccessful TTC & or m/c would effect your relationship.

I had a very easy pregnancy with no m/s, no issues with high BP and no complications. The labour & birth was not so easy but that could be different for you because you've already done it before.

Bubs and miss 6 get on very well and our family unit went along quite nicely for around 5 months. Bubs dad & I are no longer living together but are trying to get things back on track. I guess that's something else to consider - how would you feel if you do end up being left with the baby?

There's also the high possibility that you will need invasive testing such as amnio or CVS as many women nearing and over 40 get bad NT results (like I did). You can read some really scary things about pregnancy & birth over 35 so if you do decide to go ahead with it try not to read too much about that. I had an OB tell me I'd be almost certainly off work from 30 weeks due to age related complications yet I worked til 37 weeks. Needless to say I went and found an OB who treated me the same as all the young mums to be.

I haven't found it hard being an older mum but I must admit it was much harder when miss 6 was around. Your kids are bigger though so they may not need so much of your time - but maybe they do.

Good luck with making your decision. It's certainly a huge one.

[jo101]

Thats what BH is all about, support! I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to discuss it with anyone yet. It does sound like its all very new and your still in the honeymoon stage of your relationship. If that is the case, I'd say take your time. Regardless of the biological clock, rushing it to anything could be a disaster. I do think you also sound pretty reluctant to go through it all again. Realistically, if and when the time comes and you find you have trouble conceiving, theres a lot of help available, such as drugs to stimulate ovulation, that aren't expensive. You won't neccessarily have to go down the IVF route by any means.
I'm so glad I could help in some way, it really does feel great to be able to talk about it! I only discovered BH once we'd started ivf and it was fantastic finding a community of women going through the same thing.