When is enough, enough?

[babalooba]

I just though I would come on here, I need so badly to vent. So here I am and not quite sure where to start. I'm 21 years old and live with my fiance who is 27 and our nearly 4 year old son.

My issue at the moment is when is enough, enough? Plainly put I have had enough of DF's s#%t. We started together when I was 16 and he was 21 and since that time he has never held down a job, constantly getting fired and going months just sitting at home. At the moment he is currently in "sitting at home" mode while i am working hard to try and keep us afloat.

I work full time, cook, clean, wash, look after DS on my own while he sits at home on the computer playing counter strike and utheverse and having cyber sex. He goes to bed at 3 in the morning and sleeps until 11am. DS also goes to daycare 5 days a week as i can't trust him at home with him as he just sits him in front of the TV and continues on the computer.

He lies to me about going to job interviews and phonecalls he has apperently made, though i am not dumb and know he hasn't. I am working so hard for my money but see it get blown on cigarettes (a pack a day at nearly $90 a week) and online poker, and have to try to explain to the daycare centre why I dont have their money this week.

If I confont him about any of the above we end up in a huge arguement, me in tears and he has such a good nack of flipping it around and making me feel guilty and like living like this is normal. My credit rating is shot because of all the things he has bought, im never going to be able to own a house, I just feel like he has ruined my life.

The worst part is i know I don't have the guts to do anything about it, I don't have the guts to kick him out. Im too worried about hurting feelings, that is what happens when you are a people pleaser :o

I do love him and he does have his brief shining days that make me love him all over again. I have been with him since I was 16 year old and I really don't know any different.

Thankyou very much for listening to my vent as i can't talk to my family and dont have any friends I feels really good to be able to let out what has been stewing in my head for years. :)

[sockstealingpoltergeist]

Yep that's more then enough.

Sorry to be harsh but if you want to be a people pleaser then keep right on going. I personaly would care far to much for my child then to continue with a man who couldn't even be trusted to look after his own baby.

Why does he even have access to the money if all he does is waste it? You and your child should come first for him. It sounds like your relationship is one sided and that must be very sad and hard knowing that you can't count on him.

You will be in the same position in 5 years time if you don't do anything about it. The only difference will be that your child will think it's normal, that this is what dad's do. Do you really want that for your child?

ME I love my children to much to be a people pleaser.

Good Luck, I really hope you have a better future for you and your Little One.

[faroutbrusselsprout]

:hugs:
Hugs to you. I'm glad you have found the strength to start having a "vent" and realise that this situation is NOT ok...
It's really not. I think you are looking for validation of your feelings and to KNOW that your gut instincts are correct in telling you that this is NOT ok.
Believe in yourself, trust your gut.. Don't be afraid to stand up and make the decision to go.
As SSP said, it's more than enough.
You know deep deep down that you shouldn't be here and be treated like this. It's finding the courage and strength to actually DO something about it, that's the hard bit..
I'm not going to analyse his behaviour and tell you how terrible it is. You already KNOW that.
You don't have to move out tomorrow but you DO need to start thinking you and your sons future and whether this is really the life you want....
I think you already know it's not...
I hope that one day soon you will have the courage and strength to demand more from life for yourself and your son and end this toxic relationship.

[MW&S]

I have been in your situation minus the child & at your age, 21, I finally left. Not only was he taking all of my money and everything I worked hard for, he was taking who I was and who I wanted to be.
When I left him it was hard, he begged me to stay but once I made up my mind it was easy to go. I understand having a child with him will make it harder for you.
In the end, leaving him was good for me, and him. He got a job & started to live his life as well.
He is in a rut, you are as well. And I urge you to seriously consider at least taking a break. He needs a major wake up call, because he isn't going to change.
Put yourself & your son first!

[OneBabyBoy]

he has never held down a job, constantly getting fired and going months just sitting at home. At the moment he is currently in "sitting at home" mode while i am working hard to try and keep us afloat.

I work full time, cook, clean, wash, look after DS on my own while he sits at home on the computer playing counter strike and utheverse and having cyber sex. He goes to bed at 3 in the morning and sleeps until 11am. DS also goes to daycare 5 days a week as i can't trust him at home with him as he just sits him in front of the TV and continues on the computer.

He lies to me about going to job interviews and phonecalls he has apperently made, though i am not dumb and know he hasn't.

Oh my god! The exact same things happened to me :eek:
I understand completely the nightmare you are going through.
When it was all happening to me I didn't know what to do either, eventually he took the decision away and left me. It took me a long time to get over it but now I can see omg thank god he did or I might still be stuck with him!! Leaving me was the only good thing he ever did for me and my son.

Please please please don't let yourself go through it any more. It won't get any better trust me it only gets worse. You are worth so much more than that. Being single is 100 % better than being cheated on, taken advantage of and lied to.

Please PM me if you want to. I'll be thinking of you, let us know how you go :hugs::hugs::hugs:

[~Candy~]

Far out! Kick him out and let him learn to be a responsible adult. That's just :thumbsdown::banghead:

[SimplyMum]

Enough was enough when I got to the 2nd paragraph!

Can't hold down a job? Nope- sorry- that isn't a relationship. If he's not pitching in to help and this is a recurring problem than I wouldn't be accepting it. I don't know that I would even give chances- from my experience- guys in this respect DON'T CHANGE!

I think I would be kicking his backside out the door for respect of myself as much as my childs. You deserve better! It's not your job to do the work of 2 parents while he has a holiday while you are providing day in and day out for your family! It is supposed to be a partnership and your DP does not sound like he's holding up any part of the bargain let alone his own responsibilities.

[Cicho]

This story sounds just like my MIL's life.

I won't bore you with details but if you do not get out now, this is what may happen.. it has certainly happened to my MIL...

FIL could never hold a job either and sat on the computer all day buying model airplanes off Ebay
MIL worked. Always. MIL paid for everything.. Mortgage, bills, food etc

MIL is now 63 years old and still has to work full time to pay for a house she will never own, drives a 20 year old car and generally lives week to week

FIL and MIL are now divorced. MIL had to borrow $120,000 against the house she lives in to pay the old b!stard out, even though he never contributed towards the cost.

MIL would never wish to see anyone is her position and often says if she knew how bad it would become she would have divorced him earlier..

PLEASE do not let this happen to you :hugs:

Good Luck :hugs:

[HarvestMoon]

You need to get out.. think of your son! Imagine what type of man he will grow into if he spends his whole life in that kind of environment!

I know its hard to leave and it may be the only situation you know but that doesn't make staying any more acceptable.

You are only 21 so there are many organisations that will help you. Put your name on the waitlists for some supported accommodation. They will provide you with somewhere to stay, help you get on centrelink payments, get you counselling if you need it and basically anything you need help with at all. There is ZigZag at Camp Hill and othilias at stones corner.. both fairly close to you. There are many others out there too. Just make a few calls.

You need to do whats right by you and your son.

[babalooba]

Thankyou everyone for your replys, it's nice to feel supported.
SSP- Its not as easy as taking control of the money, I have tried this time and time again, saying to him that i'm going to give him one of the eftpos cards with a small amount of money on it every week but this would always lead into a huge arguement of me treating him like a baby etc etc.

Beachmum- you are EXACTLY right, I think I am looking for validation for my feelings because sometimes I do sit back and think "am I just being overly dramatic, I should be supporting him in finding what he is looking for" which I know now is not right. I also agree that I may not do something tomorrow but it will happen.

Angelzara- Im glad you got out and thankyou for the great advice.

Onebabyboy- I don't think he is cheating on me IN PERSON not unless you count the online girlfriends. He applys for jobs and gets calls for interviews and when I call him in the avo asking if he went to the interview he says yes and that it went well. I get home and his "interview" clothes are still hanging in closet, he NEVER hangs things back up so it is obvious he hasn't gone anywhere. I have also been asking him to ring up centrelink which he said he did and had an appointment yesterday which he never attended cause he never made the call.

Extraordinary- In the whole 5 years we have been together he hasn't grown up, and the funny thing is he tells me that I am immature and that he has been through so much more than me so is much more mature *laughs*

Cicho- I worry all the time about the future and ATM im still sort of hoping that he will get better, ths shows that there is a good chance he won't.

HarvestMoon- Thankyou very much for your concern although if anyone was to leave it will be him. I pay for this house every week and without his spending habits would be able to live a very comfortable life. I couldn't walk out and leave him with all the things (furniture appliances ect) that I have worked so hard for. He would get his car and his clothes and that is IT.

Again thank you all for your support :hugs:

[SimplyMum]

B- My ex used to do this. He was always saying that he hated mind games. Everytime I said something he didn't like- he would tell me to stop playing mind games with him, he hates it and he wont stand for it!

After a while- basically I just said F you!:laughing:

He was confusing me and getting in my head with all his 'mind games' crap. It would take something as simple as 'are you going to get a job?' and he'd start.

Eventually I found myself (so to speak) and realised that I wasn't being unreasonable. It wasn't fair that I was paying for everything and than getting messed with, and I deserved better than his low life excuse of a human being. (sorry- must still have a little bit of anger towards him!:p)

[Pregnor]

:no: I don't think thats acceptable at all. It seems like your life would be EASIER if you were a single mum. Thats not the way it should be.

Its all well and good for people to say that you should leave him/kick him out, and I agree. But you are the only person that can make that decision. You are much better than that. You deserve to be with someone that wants to please you too.

[shellmabell]

That is well and truly enough!
Only you can make the decision to leave and I know it is the hardest decision you may ever have to make. Actually walking out the door is the most painful part but I guarentee it gets easier. It sounds to me like you are practically a single mother already to two children instead of one. Leaving him would probably make your life easier. What is he contributing to the relationship? It sounds like nothing at all to me.
If you continue to stay in such a damaging relationship then you will begin to hate him and yourself soon enough and that is not healthy for anyone involved. You need to look after you and your son as your first priority. He is a grown man and he can take care of himself- give him the chance to do so and maybe it will be a wake-up call. You can always hope that he will get his act together and change, but there is little point sticking around waiting for it to happen. You need to live your life too.

I hope you can find the strength to change your situation and turn your life around. You deserve it.

[LilShenanigans]

Just to add to others I completely agree with!
He won't leave.. he's comfortable. Your supporting him, his habits, his stupidity. He has the good life, and so long as he can continue to walk all over you, he won't change. Ever.

Think about how much you can have in your own pocket as a single mum. You won't feel embarrassed talking to the childcare workers - you won't have a need. You will have the money there to buy your child clothes, occasionally you will get around to buying yourself stuff as well! lol These little things all add up.

Your doing wonderfully, theres just this thing in your way... It might be daunting the thought of being on your own, but it's seriously a lot less stress then what your dealing with. And I know it's all you've known so far, but there is a massive world out there and you deserve to enjoy it! The sooner the better :hugs:

[SassyMummy]

If it's easier to be a single mother than be in the relationship you're currently in, then I think that says a lot.

So, yes, I do think that it's more than enough, and time to leave.

It sounds like you're mother to a pre-schoolers AND a teenager... not the mother of a pre-schooler and partner to a grown man. That's not right. You don't deserve that.

I fell pregnant young, though not as young as you were, and ended up staying with DD's father for 4 years. I left him March last year, and it was long overdue.

He treated me like cr*p. He kept a job, he paid rent... but he resented me for it. He would yell at me, be nasty to me, as if I should be kissing his feet for allowing me to live in a home he was paying for. He would spend his money on whatever he wanted - he got a playstation 3, when they were brand new (so about $1000), when I was wearing really old worn-out knickers, with holes throughout them, because I didn't have the money to buy new ones.

His wage paid rent and bills... and whatever he wanted. My $150 a week from Family Tax Benefit paid for food and whatever DD and I needed. After feeding 3 people, $150 doesn't go very far, and DDs needs always got taken care of first... hence why I had holey undies.

He wouldn't touch me, wouldn't show me affection, and basically spent his days ignoring me. When he wasn't at work, he was sleeping in bed, or playing his PS3 or watching movies. Ignoring me while he did.

It doesn't really sound all that bad, but the way being treated like that makes you feel... nobody deserves it.

I think you're being treated the same way I was - but the way he's doing things is obviously different.

Still, you shouldn't be there.

The worst part in your situation, for me, would be the complete lack of respect.

He doesn't parent his child. He doesn't contribute to the household and doesn't even TRY to get himself a job. He goes online and says sexual things to other girls.

That's pathetic.

It might not be cheating, as such, but it's disrespect, at least.

I would be leaving. You SHOULD be leaving. Or kicking his butt out rather.

Your son doesn't need to grow up believing this is an acceptable way for a man to treat his partner. It's not. That's one thing I found comfort in when leaving - that my daughter would learn that as a woman, she has the right to a healthy relationship, and that she shouldn't put up with being treated like sh*t for any reason. I don't want her in a relationship like mine was with her father, but how would she know it wasn't acceptable if I never showed her?

I'm sure you don't want your son growing up like his father, so perhaps it's a good idea to show him that it's not on, by leaving.

[NibbleCurlynBub]

For me, it was realising that I was the one making all the effort but still being trampled all over.

When there is no happiness left and you start losing your identity.