Freaking out about being an "army wife" [Archive] - Bub Hub Pregnancy & Parenting Forum

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neeshNgeorgia

31-05-2006, 23:04

hey everyone,
please tell me to stop whinging because that must seem to be all i do when i come on here but it's a great place for a vent!

Basically as some of u know DP finishes his training with the ARMY at kapooka in 2 weeks time, now for the last 4 months i've been stressing about what life is going to be like, and how we are going to cope moving away from canberra where all our family is and :ecomcity: but today it just struck me, that what if i don't fit into that "army wife" position :confused: and do i want to be in that "army wife" position. I mean i have always chose to be a SAHM, and yes i love it but i have always fought so hard to not fall into that stereo typical housewife position ( i know a lot of positions in one sentence! lol) i've always said to DP that i won't iron, and dinner will not be on the table as soon as he gets in from work, and this has worked for us in the past, but in the last few weeks, whilst speaking to him, small comments have come to my attention, for eg: oh honey it will be great to have my washing done for me when i get home (hello who ever said that things were going to change), and to have someone to cook home made meals for me. I know i sound very selfish but is this a kind of ARMY attitude coming out in him?

Another thing that has been worrying me is getting pushed into the background. I know that this is his chosen career, and i respect every aspect of that, but things are always going to be about DP's army stuff, and hearing u guys say that ur DP/DH go out and get drunk all the time and that it's just an "ARMY WAY" is freaking me out!!!
OK well now that's off my chest, is there any positives out of being an "army wife"???

thanks
Neesh

cwsmum

31-05-2006, 23:26

I'm not an army wife...my sis is tho...what you have said that your DH says about how things will be when he gets home kinda sounds like things BIL says, but once he gets home things get back to normal pretty quick, for my sis anyway.
My BIL doesn't go out and get drunk all the time...not when he's home anyway, when he's away it's a different story :rolleyes:
Umm...positives...what about the opportunity to move and live in different parts of the country? And not have to actually 'move' anything yourself?

Do you know where DH is going to be posted after Kapooka?

MilkOnTap

31-05-2006, 23:29

today it just struck me, that what if i don't fit into that "army wife" position

...

things are always going to be about DP's army stuff, and hearing u guys say that ur DP/DH go out and get drunk all the time and that it's just an "ARMY WAY" is freaking me out!!! OK well now that's off my chest, is there any positives out of being an "army wife"???
I guess the biggest thing for me about being a defence wife (navy) is about trying to remain optimistic about it. We have a guaranteed income every fortnight, I know that (if I choose to cook it :D ) I have the opportunity to have food on the table every day.

As far as the whole drinking thing goes I can see where you are coming from. A HUGE part of being in the forces is alcohol consumption, but that CAN be controlled. Its all about peer pressure and if your man is strong enough (and has enough of a thumb print from you) he can always make excuses to not drink. My hubbies favourite is that 'his wife has spent all our money'. I dont mind - it means that he is home with me :)

When you are a defence spouse, you are actually no longer a civillian. Yes, life changes - but you can be optimistic about it and look at the glass half full; or you can get down and only concentrate on all your personal sacrifices. I had to leave all my friends, family, career, home, comfort zone in general to go to Sydney! Fortunately there are places for support. DCO is pretty good (Defence Community Organisation) and there are other defence partner forums which I have found handy to communicate with other women who know EXACTLY what you are going through (I will pm them to you).

Best Wishes - and feel free to PM me if you need to chat some more.

Hugs,
Ally

kymmy

31-05-2006, 23:31

I think it is good to think of the pros and cons
and TRY to focus on the positives

MilkOnTap

31-05-2006, 23:31

By the way - I have had more than my share of annoying defence stuff! Every bed of roses has a few thorns... Just try to keep your chin up :thumbsup:

sharvs

01-06-2006, 09:52

Hi Neesh,

First, dont apologise for what you have written & you dont need to stop whinging. We know what you are going through & want to support you wherever we can.

The comments your DP has made about having dinner on the table etc do just sound like common army talk. While they are training they are surrounded by other guys, alot of them young & single & it is easy for them to become one of the 'guys'. I dont think you have anything to worry about when life settles down though.

My DF drinks a bit when he is away but hardly ever when he is home. He is in Darwin at the moment & has been going out nearly every weekend. Sometimes it bugs me but when I bring it back into perspective he is only doing it because he is away from home - there is nothing else for them to do. DF probably goes out once or twice a year when he is at home - no more than he would if he wasnt in the Army.

As for support, you do need to be careful where you go to get it. Some Army wives are great (like the ones on here :D ) but others can make you depressed. Some are bitter & end up dragging you down with them. 2 of my best friends are Army wives but I met them through my work & didnt become friends with them because they are Army wives. The 3 of us met years ago in Townsville & it just so happens that now we are all posted to Brisbane. I think it is important to have Civilian friends too, but from my experience I cant count on them for support with Army matters. An example, I was telling a friend the other day that DF is being deployed o/s for 6 months - her reply "Thats great news, only 6 months?" She just has no understanding of my life at all.

I am not the biggest fan of the Defence Force life but I do believe you get out what you put in. Being negative really does drag you down. My DF was talking about discharging last year & I started freaking out - where will we live, we will have to pay full rent, what will he do for work? It's no wonder alot of people are in the Defence Force for a long time, it comes with a nice security blanket.

If you are close to your family, it is hard to be away from them. I'm from Adelaide & our first posting was Townsville which felt like the other end of the earth. You'll be suprised just how well you cope though. Mainly because when you first move it is exciting & you are really busy. Before you know it you've been living there for a few months & it feels like home.

If you have any other info you want, just holler - we will help you out wherever we can. Good luck, enjoy this change in your life

neeshNgeorgia

01-06-2006, 10:26

thank you all for a bit of reassurance, just reading ur replies made me actually think that yes this will be a good change in our lives, and it will be a great deal of security financially and just every day life in general.
Also another thing i was worried about is the kids, especially when they hit school age with the moving around all the time, i'm not sure if u guys have school age children or not or whether u have noticed how it is on them? i have no idea about the defence force and what goes on so sorry for the 20 questions, i just want to know everything, so i'm prepared! i really should have started all this earlier but ah well...
cheers
neesh

kymmy

01-06-2006, 11:05

neesh, I think u should ask questions and get the reassurance you need
sorry I can't really help
All I know is, I can't imagine doing it myself
My girl is at school and she tells us she doesn't want to move
I think that is why my hubby is so unsure about the army
We think the idea of the financial security and the benefits would help us
But then ... you know the rest, I am sure
JUst try to adjust and enjoy it for what it is worth
I mean, you have to focus on the positives

sharvs

01-06-2006, 11:29

Neesh

My DS is only 6 months old so I cant help you with the school side of it. I have a couple of friends that have school age children and they seem to adjust ok. I know the DHA & DCO will help you when your kids get to that age. I think the kids will be ok during the first few years of primary school, after that it might get a bit harder. A friend of mine has a 8 year old & they just relocated from NSW to Brisbane - he has settled in at school fine, but each child is different. Kids do cope pretty well, it might take a bit of adjusting but they get there.

Most postings are for 4 years so unless you request to move before that, you are usually in the one place for atleast that period of time. Sometimes you can even request to stay in the same location when you are due for a posting.

Daddy2Angels

01-06-2006, 11:35

sharvs

01-06-2006, 11:41

My dad was in the Army for 21 years. And yes my parents divorced.... Reason you ask?

The ADF does have a high divorce rate, but who is to say that the people that do divorce wouldnt have divorced if they were living in civvy street?

Its a tough life but if you love each other & support each other, it's a good life. I know my DF wouldnt be happy outside of the Army & if he's not happy I'm not happy.

neeshNgeorgia

01-06-2006, 11:51

i guess that all i can do is try look for the positives in every situation, but it is hard to not focus on the negs.
Well i do have a little while till georgia is school age, but it's something that i have to prepare for, i guess by the time she old enough for school she'll have adjusted to moving around.
And as for the divorce rate, i know that it's very high, and i know that there is lot of stress on relationships as DP's are away alot, i just hope that we are strong enough to survive! tell u what though the last 4 months has been a strain on our relationship and has almost hit breaking point numerous times! Oh gee there is alot to think about hey, we were definately not prepared for the emotional side of all this!!

sharvs

01-06-2006, 12:01

I know its hard to believe at this stage, but it does get easier.

When DF left for Kapooka over 5 years ago, we didnt think we would make it. We didnt break up, but I didnt make my mind up about moving with him until he had finished his IET training. I had spent 3 months without him & realised that I needed him in my life - everyday would have been preferable but since that wasnt possible I needed him to know that I would always be there waiting for him to come home.

Since then we have survived a 6 month deployment to East Timor, about another year (here & there) out bush & we are starting another 6 month deployment in 2 months time. In the first 15 months of my DS life, DF will be away for 10 months of it - if we can get through this we can get through anything!

Even now, I still get upset when he says he is going away, we still fight about it but I know I can survive & he knows I can, it makes a big difference.

I quite often sit back & think about what life would be like if I was with someone not in the Forces..... then I think about life without DF...... he wins every time!:smiliedance:

MilkOnTap

01-06-2006, 12:14

My dad was in the Army for 21 years. And yes my parents divorced....

Some Army wives are great (like the ones on here ) but others can make you depressed. Some are bitter & end up dragging you down with them. Our friend Daddy2Angels is a perfect example of who you shouldn't hang out with.

we still fight about it but I know I can survive & he knows I can, it makes a big difference.
Well said Sharvs :thumbsup: ADF life certainly isn't the easiest life around; but each hurdle you get over makes it easier. Every obstacle you overcome together, reunites you both with an even stronger bond; after that you begin to face the world and say "if we can get through this, we can get through anything!"

Us ADF wives have gotta stick together - We are all here backing you - always!!! :hugs:

Strawberry_Shortcake

03-06-2006, 20:48

I agree with Sharon and Ally, Defence life isn�t easy but let me tell you it does get easier over time. My hubby has been in the defence for 16 years. Defence life has given me the opportunity to see Australia, (places where I wouldn�t even think of living if l was in cillvian life). Since being with my hubby I have been to every state except WA and SA and let me tell you that will change as we have been posted to Adelaide beginning of 2007. My 2 girls have been in a defence lifestyle from the time they were born. Kids are easy to adapt. My elder�s one has been to more school then she can poke a stick at and she loves it. At most school near defence bases they have a program called �Defence School Transition Aide Program�. The DSTA program provides practical support, which is integrated into schools, classrooms and communities. DSTA�s supports the smooth transition of mobile ADF students from school to school and upon ADF relocations or postings.

Neeshah I can tell you it will get better and as the girls keep saying on here, if you need to talk we are all here.

Little_Toad

03-06-2006, 21:05

and to have someone to cook home made meals for me.

I'd take that as a compliment that he's looking forward to having his meals with you and misses your cooking.

neeshNgeorgia

03-06-2006, 22:39

hehe yes but the thing is that i never cooked b4 he left, haha so his changed a little in those kind of aspects.

And thank you to u all for giving me such encouraging feedback! gezz i was really freaking a few days ago but i'm getting to know a bit more day by day and it is getting easier, so again thank you!
Cheers
Neesh

hannahizzy

05-06-2006, 15:21

My husband is in the army and my father was in the navy (and my parents are still together) I moved around constantly as a child, but i looked forward to moving each time, it was fun, a new school, a new house, new friends. I suppose that was why i married someone in the army, i cant stay in one place too long! :)

I have a 5 year old who has already been to 2 different schools and he is only in Kindy but there are plenty of resources out there to help them with the transition. I dont think i am at all damaged by the fact that i had to go to so many schools, and i am sure that my kids wont be either.

I did find with my husbands training that it caused alot of problems between us, but they do improve, my biggest problem was his pre-deployment training, as he was still in the country but i couldnt talk to him or see him even though he was going to be going away for such a long time!! eventually you get used to them going away for days here and weeks there and you learn to cope on your own. and the bonus is that while you feel like you are alone you arent, because eventually they come home, and in the meantime you have your independance and your own identity!!! something i think we lose most of when we are with someone constantly ( well thats me anyway).

neeshNgeorgia

05-06-2006, 18:37

hey hannahizzy, (and everyone else)
Thanks for the bit of reassurance, this is really a great thread i'm learning so much from u guys who have or are experiencing life as an "army wife" (i kind of don't like that term but there is no other way of putting it lol).
It's also good to hear that as a child ur self moving around alot and going to different schools didn't seem to affect u and that u actually enjoyed it! So even though i have a while for my little one to start school it's a weight off my shoulder, but i understand that all children are different!
So 5 days left of training for DP! it's getting much much closer and to tell u all the truth i'm not freaking out! i'm actually just more excited about seeing him and having him home with us regardless of where we are living! So again thank you to u all for giving me such great advice very very much appreciated!
Have a great night
Cheers Neesh:hugs: :D

Scout

05-06-2006, 19:18

small comments have come to my attention, for eg: oh honey it will be great to have my washing done for me when i get home (hello who ever said that things were going to change), and to have someone to cook home made meals for me.

When I was at the Navy's equivalent of Kapooka, our meal times were known as SCRAN. S**t Cooked by the Royal Australian Navy! Your husband is merely missing home-made food. What he would be eating in the Mess 3 times a day would be disgusting!

He would also be doing a lot of cleaning (of anything and everything) cause that is what they make you do - they are commonly known as activities that are merely an imbuggerance!

And yep, some do divorce and others don't - just like everyone else. I had a "military-made" divorce but I was also a serving member at the time and it was hard to get posted to the same location (generally not healthy for a relationship :laughing:). My partner (an Army boy) and I have been together for 7 years and we are happily committed to making each other miserable for the rest of our lives!! :D

hannahizzy

06-06-2006, 12:27

I am really glad that you are feeling better about the whole thing!

Just remember when he gets home, its very NORMAL to argue, feel frustrated when he gets back as you have become set in your ways and he comes back in an disrupts everything!! remember too that it will be difficult for him to come back home and get used to the new independant you! and he is likely struggle to get his place back in the home (poor dear) as it is hard for them to realise that life goes on when thay are not there. It shouldnt last long,things do get back to normal and just know that most of us go through the same thing everytime our partners come back, so if you feel frustrated and need to chat we are all here for you, and you can always pm me if you like.

Good luck and welcome to the world of the military wife!!!! (its not all bad):D

Belinda

KrisFox

26-06-2006, 13:39

My father was in the army (met my mum when he was a cpl) and we moved every 2 years (mainly between nsw and vic) and i am now currently serving as was my husband.

As a child you get use to moving around alot (its really the only thing you know) and you get to experince different locations. the down fall is leaving your friends and also the education systems are different in each state, (i learnt to do subtraction etc 2 different ways as well as writing) which can make things a little difficult but like someone else says DCO is there to help you.

As are serving member,the 'boys' can drink to excess etc however that all depends on the attatude of your man and his strength in saying no to his mates. My husband lost a few friends when we had our eldest because he couldnt go out etc and they just cut him out of their lives (which is away is good cause who needs friends that petty).

Its also difficult when they go away (i dound out i was preg with my eldest and hour after by DH left to go to rockhampton for a month). And my father was a way quite a bit (but some of the pressie we got when he returned were awesome). You need support to get you though that is for sure.

I know a lot of army stay at home wives that do tupperware, undercover wear etc as they can do it when it suits them and brings in some spare cash as well as they get to meet lots of people (both civie and military).

And if you can get a group of wives together from the same unit that helps for those long trips. I remember my mum being a part of groups like that. they organised savanger hunts etc for the kids and other fun stuff to suppor tone another (and friends partners who dont go on the trips can help with the mowing etc).

I am based at holsworthy at the moment if you need to talk just message.

KrisFox

26-06-2006, 13:43

I forgot to add, my parent shave been married for 30 odd years now so you can make it though the defence (my dad is out now) and still have your marriage at the end of it.

And look at the moves like a spring clean every 2 years its great.

positives all the way.

Oh and the cooking thing, if you every tasted cardboard with tar on it that about the quilty of food at kopka so he would be really missing any sort of real food, expeically any thing cooked at home.

TLTeam

17-03-2009, 09:30

Hi Ladies,

My name is Karlie and I'm a journalist for That's Life magazine. I'm currently working on our ANZAC Day issue and would love to talk to the wives/partners whose other half is deployed overseas in the army. We want to know what's it like, how you pass the time, do you write letters, etc and how proud you are of them.

We have a huge readership with a lot of family/friends in the army. We want to do a positive story that they can relate to.

You would be paid for your time and the copy would be read back to you over the phone.

Please contact me at karlie.jeffrey@pacificmags.com.au if you are interested...

Thanks

Karlie

KJEmum

18-03-2009, 11:34

I have a few friends I could possibly pass this on to. I know one who is in the midst of preparing for her hubby go go .. on yet another deployment. I'll ask her.
Great idea !!

ReneeRitaConnor

30-03-2009, 19:02

Hey darl,

Im new to the army wife... My darling fiance is in training will be back a month before our sons birth..
I feel sometimes im going through this pregnancy alone, like when he calls and i cant wait to speak to him but his too tired and hasnt got enough time to talk.
But they may be the cons, but the pros is i love him more then I love anything, that he may be in the army but to me he comes home to as my husband to be and father to our soon to be born son...

There is cons, but you find sometimes you may form friendships with people who are in the same situation.

About postings, if you choose to be with him and live your life with him then it doesnt matter where the army post you alongs your by his side.

Its scary sydney is all i have ever known but i signed on knowing his job, and the sacrifces ill make, but i wouldnt change him or his job for the world.

feel free to add me to msn if you need to vent... pinkfashiasandbarbie_singer_24_7@hotmail.com

ReneeRitaConnor

30-03-2009, 19:03

on top of that my darling fiance has along hertiage of defence is his blood

his parents met over 24 years ago and are still married!!!

you can make anything work if you want it to