why do I do these stupid things??

[shellmabell]

I have this really wonderful boyfriend I have been dating for 9 months. I have been quite doubtful about our relationship at times, nothing to do with him, just my own issues and feeling the complications of balancing a relationship with being a single mother. However, in the last few weeks I have begun to feel like I am finally falling in love with him and I may be ready to take our relationship further (up til now it has been pretty casual).
But stupid stupid stupid me got drunk at a party last night with some old friends from high school and I slept with one of the guys I used to date a bit in school. I haven't seen this guy for around 10 years and although I still find him attractive I certainly don't want a relationship with him. I think the only reason I slept with him was because I was reverting back to those seventeen-year-old feelings I had for him and I guess I'd always wondered what it would be like to sleep with him as I never did in high school. It was absolutely great which makes me feel even worse.
So now I am thinking, I know I want to be with my boyfriend, I know I will never cheat on him again, so do I keep it from him or do I tell him and risk hurting him and losing him forever?
I have been in this kind of situation before with my ex-husband, but it was during a seperation and I wanted out of our marriage so I told him immediately that I had been with someone else. It hurt him a lot and I don't want to do that to my bf, especially since I still want to be with him and no one else.
If anyone has any advice or has experienced something like this before please help me! And I really am not a bad person- I just have a severe problem with my judgement when alcohol is involved

[subaruforestermum]

I'm not a single parent, but couldnt read and not reply...

I think honestly you should tell him for the simple fact that if you dont, it will eat away at you and make your relationship harder. You will get jealous and try to push him away, over your feelings of guilt...

But then it depends on how serious you guys are in the first place....

[MummyDaddy]

I actually disagree with telling him.

You don't live together.

You're not married.

Why ruin what you have with one stupid mistake.

Telling him relieves your ego and breaks his heart.

If you truly love him - then forget last night happened and move on...

Are you sure you love him?

Maybe you only think that today - in the aftermath of guilt.

Thing long and hard before you do anything.

Spur on the moment behaviour as witnessed from what happened last night rarely achieves anything postive.

[MummyDaddy]

PS. Have experienced this on both sides of the fence.

1. was unfaithful, told the person, turned out he had been unfaithful too, the relationship was never the same.

2. had my husband be unfaithful to me on a stupid one night stand where he couldn't even get it up properly. His admission relieved his guilt and sent me into a year long depression.

I could have lived without telling or hearing in both situations.

If you truly love this man and truly want a relationship with him - then seriously think of keeping what happened to yourself.

But, you really should get some counselling to ascertain why it is you fall into another's arms when emotionally things start to get a bit tough.

:hugs::hugs::hugs:

[Larski]

If you are serious about loving him and wanting a life with him, then I also wouldn't tell him. Just make sure you have no further contact with the guy from HS. This might be just what you need to really spur you on to putting a huge effort into your relationship and commit to this guy, and make a promise to yourself that you will never cheat again.

[lukaelmo]

Yeah, I wouldn't tell him either, as long as you feel okay with that and can let it go. You have said it's pretty casual, so yes, I'd write it off and put it in the vault.

[aprileviesmum]

I would tell him. How would you feel if he cheated on you, even a one off and decided to hide it from you. I cheated on my then partner and i told him and he forgave me. We are not together now for totally different reasons.
One of the most important things in a relationship is honesty and trust.

[happytobehere]

i guess u've got to question why u would tell him? is it because u feel guilty? (im guessing yes).. would u want to know if the situation was reversed and why do u feel that way? And MOST IMPORTANTLY will ur choice to tell or not make ur relationship better or worse?

Personally i wouldnt want to know and have told partners that in the past. I loved them and told them i dont want them to but if they do and its a mistake PLEASE DONT TELL ME!!! because i dont want to know!!! It will not help me to know! I do not want to know if its about clearing ur own conscionce (sp)..

Just my opinion and i dont feel i was condoning or encouraging cheating, if a relationship is going down the tube there are lots of signs not just infidelity and it seems u made a mistake.. u let ur inner 17year old out and she ran wild ;) its a horrible situation and im sure u feel incredible guilt. that guilt though is ur teacher and it sounds like u learnt ur lesson

[happytobehere]

oh and btw u r so not a bad person, ur a human being and we all make mistakes...

:hugs:

[shellmabell]

I actually disagree with telling him.

You don't live together.

You're not married.

Why ruin what you have with one stupid mistake.

Telling him relieves your ego and breaks his heart.

If you truly love him - then forget last night happened and move on...

Are you sure you love him?

Maybe you only think that today - in the aftermath of guilt.

Thing long and hard before you do anything.

Spur on the moment behaviour as witnessed from what happened last night rarely achieves anything postive.


i guess u've got to question why u would tell him? is it because u feel guilty? (im guessing yes).. would u want to know if the situation was reversed and why do u feel that way? And MOST IMPORTANTLY will ur choice to tell or not make ur relationship better or worse?

Personally i wouldnt want to know and have told partners that in the past. I loved them and told them i dont want them to but if they do and its a mistake PLEASE DONT TELL ME!!! because i dont want to know!!! It will not help me to know! I do not want to know if its about clearing ur own conscionce (sp)..

Just my opinion and i dont feel i was condoning or encouraging cheating, if a relationship is going down the tube there are lots of signs not just infidelity and it seems u made a mistake.. u let ur inner 17year old out and she ran wild ;) its a horrible situation and im sure u feel incredible guilt. that guilt though is ur teacher and it sounds like u learnt ur lesson

To answer some questions-

No, I am not sure if I am really in love with him or if I am ready for a full-on serious relationship.

If I were to tell him it would not be because I feel guilty, but because it would put the ball in his court. I am terribly indecisive and I can't decide whether to stay with him or break it off. I figure if I told him about it then he could decide if he wanted to forgive me and move on with our relationship, or let me go and possibly hate me forever.

At this stage I am leaning towards not telling him but breaking up with him anyway, using my inability to commit as the reason. I would actually like to stay with him because he is a great guy, but I guess realistically there are a lot of signs pointing to him being the wrong person for me. But as I said before I am very indecisive and could debate about this in my head for the next year unless I get some help!!

[MummyDaddy]

No, I am not sure if I am really in love with him or if I am ready for a full-on serious relationship.

Babe, you're not in love with him and regardless of the indiscretion it's not fair to stay with him because he's a 'nice' guy.

Been there - don't that - it will only end in tears for both of you.

Break it off now before it goes any further.

That is my advice and I speak from experience...

When you meet the 'right' guy - you will know and there will be no question or indiscretions when drunk.

If there were a movie out about this right now it would be 'baby, you're just not that into HIM'.

Take care :hugs::hugs::hugs:

[Issey]

To answer some questions-

No, I am not sure if I am really in love with him or if I am ready for a full-on serious relationship.

If I were to tell him it would not be because I feel guilty, but because it would put the ball in his court. I am terribly indecisive and I can't decide whether to stay with him or break it off. I figure if I told him about it then he could decide if he wanted to forgive me and move on with our relationship, or let me go and possibly hate me forever.

At this stage I am leaning towards not telling him but breaking up with him anyway, using my inability to commit as the reason. I would actually like to stay with him because he is a great guy, but I guess realistically there are a lot of signs pointing to him being the wrong person for me. But as I said before I am very indecisive and could debate about this in my head for the next year unless I get some help!!

maybe this infidelity happened because of your confusion with your relationship with you b/f:confused:

i am sorry you are in this situation, I don't think you are a bad person, only stuggling with what you want. Take a deep breath and a step back.

i would try to work out what you want and perhaps take some space from your b/f to think.

maybe the confusing feelings in a relationship are normal:confused: when afterall most people are single mums because of a bad relationship and these relationships need grieving and time to heal before moving on.

as far as the infidelity, you have to decide to tell or not to tell, personally i would want to know if someone did it to me,my consequence would be to end the relationship, so if you tell you must be prepared that is a very possible outcome. some couples can work through it though but i believe you must have a deep love to beable to overcome it.

:hugs:

you are probably doing your head in right now from the sounds of it. maybe there is someone you can talk to, to help you.

[happytobehere]

If I were to tell him it would not be because I feel guilty, but because it would put the ball in his court. I am terribly indecisive and I can't decide whether to stay with him or break it off. I figure if I told him about it then he could decide if he wanted to forgive me and move on with our relationship, or let me go and possibly hate me forever.

At this stage I am leaning towards not telling him but breaking up with him anyway, using my inability to commit as the reason. I would actually like to stay with him because he is a great guy, but I guess realistically there are a lot of signs pointing to him being the wrong person for me. But as I said before I am very indecisive and could debate about this in my head for the next year unless I get some help!!

sorry but telling him 'to put the ball in his court' sounds hurtful. if u r thinking of ditching the dude. why not leave him with a bit of dignity and jsut do the 'its not u its me' thing. I mean if its over its gonna hurt him and playing russian roullette with ur relationship is fine but i dont know.... it just kinda seems a bit mean

[Sammy76]

sorry but telling him 'to put the ball in his court' sounds hurtful. if u r thinking of ditching the dude. why not leave him with a bit of dignity and jsut do the 'its not u its me' thing. I mean if its over its gonna hurt him and playing russian roullette with ur relationship is fine but i dont know.... it just kinda seems a bit mean

:iagree:totally, I can't see the point in telling him if you are planning to break up with. Honesty is the best policy in most cases, but there isn't any reason if the relationship will end. Definitely will hurt him even more.

[justme77]

agree totally with sammy76

[shellmabell]

You ladies are right- telling him would be cruel and hurtful and he doesn't deserve that. I only briefly considered that as an 'easy' option- i.e- leave it to him to break up with me so I don't have to do the hard work.
I am definitely not going to tell him. So far that is the only decision I have made. My head keeps telling me that it is time to break it off and sort some of my own issues out before I get involved with anyone, but my heart is still wanting him. I know that he loves me, wants to take care of me, even wants to help take care of my kids and I think he could be good for me. I am so scared of having regrets later on down the track when I am lonely and desperate and thinking I have stuffed up what could have been a wonderful relationship. I have written down a list of the things I want for my life and the person I want to be and I know I should start working on them now, but it would be nice if he could be there to help me along... wouldn't it?

[MummyDaddy]

I have written down a list of the things I want for my life and the person I want to be and I know I should start working on them now, but it would be nice if he could be there to help me along... wouldn't it?

You don't love him.

You havn't said once 'i love him so much', if you have i havn't absorbed it. All I get from your messages is that you think he's a great guy and would be good for you.

Your posts are all about you - and not really anything to do with him other than how he can advantage you and your life situation.

If you were in love with him there would be no grey area - not after only 9 months together.

You need to break it off, and then ask him if you can still be friends.

You're a mummy, you're a grownup - time to act it and take responsibility for your future.

You can do it :hugs::hugs::hugs:

[SassyMummy]

I would tell him.

Painful as it might be, I'd be protecting a relationship that may not exist had he known I'd been unfaithful... and really, as we're BOTH a part of the relationship, I'd like for us to have a fair say in whether or not it's worth being in.

In my previous relationship, I made a lot of mistakes. In THIS relationship, I've made changes, and I believe things have been as good as they are, partly because of these changes.

One of things I've tried, is to let him know all of me... even the unattractive, undesirable things. Why? Because then I can rest assured that he is with me, knowing exactly who I am... not just the parts of me that I choose to show him. That way, it's harder for me to doubt him... or for me to hate upon myself... because I know that he loves me knowing ALL of me, faults included.

Having an affair would eat away at me. I would feel guilty, and I know I'd be in a constant state of distress as a result. I'd take it out on him, out on my daughter, out on everyone. I'd also be telling myself how much I DON'T deserve to be with him... because he doesn't love me for me, he loves me for what I'm pretending to be.

If I'm adulterous, then he should know that. He should get the opportunity to decide whether or not a relationship with me is worth it, knowing ALL facts.

Obviously, there's never enough time to tell him EVERY SINGLE THING about yourself, but this is a pretty big one.

He deserves to know. It may hurt him, but he SHOULD feel hurt, and should have the opportunity to feel that hurt. You did something wrong. You did something hurtful. It may have only been a once-off, but the fate of the relationship following your infedelity shouldn't lay in your hands alone. He is just as much a part of it as you are, and HE should have the opportunity to decide whether or not he's willing to be a part of it.

If HE did this, would you want to know?

Also keep in mind, that these things sometimes come out at a later date... long after it's left your mind. How would feel about his finding out then?

Given that the relationship isn't, as yet, completely serious, it should be an easier choice to make than if you were serious. Let him make the choice himself.

You owe him that respect.

It also sounds as if you think he's a great guy, but that's really about it. I know that I wouldn't want to be with someone, to be in love with someone, who wanted me just because, in theory, I was a great partner. I'd want them to be with me because they couldn't see life any other way. Because they thought about me day and night, and missed me when I wasn't there. To love me, and want only me... not just because I ticked all the boxes on the "things I want in a partner."

I think we all deserve more than that, and if you don't feel that way about him, then that's fine... but he deserves the chance to find the person who DOES feel the way about him... and he won't be able to while you're holding onto him.

[SuperGranny]

hello,:iagree: I agree with sassy, very wise words in what she has said, please read her post again, Marie.

[shellmabell]

You don't love him.

You havn't said once 'i love him so much', if you have i havn't absorbed it. All I get from your messages is that you think he's a great guy and would be good for you.

Your posts are all about you - and not really anything to do with him other than how he can advantage you and your life situation.

If you were in love with him there would be no grey area - not after only 9 months together.

You need to break it off, and then ask him if you can still be friends.

You're a mummy, you're a grownup - time to act it and take responsibility for your future.

You can do it :hugs::hugs::hugs:

Phoenix, you are a wise woman and I agree with a lot that you have said. However, I do disagree that what I am doing is all about me and the main reason I am considering staying with my b/f is because of the future he offers me and my kids. If I really was being selfish and irresponsible I would be out doing what that 17-year old in me wants to do- partying, having fun, dating all the 'wrong' guys (exactly the type I seem to be attracted to) and not thinking about the future.
My b/f has a young child of his own, he is a wonderful father, he is caring and loving and forgiving and responsible and he offers stability for me and my young children. I know that if I can just get over this current inclination of mine to act like a teenager that I can committ to him and allow myself to really love him and be faithful and devoted to him. The problem is convincing my inner wild child to calm down and let the respoibsible mum in me take charge and make the most appropriate decision for me and my kids.

[SmileyBJ]

If I really was being selfish and irresponsible I would be out doing what that 17-year old in me wants to do- partying, having fun, dating all the 'wrong' guys (exactly the type I seem to be attracted to) and not thinking about the future.

I thought this was the original dilemma written in your thread?? That you went out, got drunk and hooked up with some "wrong" guy?? & then your saying this is exactly the type of person that your nothing like... :confused: Lost me...

[SassyMummy]

Maybe it's just me, but I don't think you should HAVE to convince yourself to fall in love with someone.

You either fall in love with them, or you don't.

How you feel about "wrong" guys can't really be stopped... it can be ignored, but it's not something you have much control over, when it comes to WANTING to be with them, WANTING to act like a teenager.

You can push those urges aside and ignore them... but only for so long.

Perhaps you need to act on them, to some degree, to get it out of your system. Not be a complete trollop, not become a lousy mother, but you know... you obviously want to be that way... the other night was a clear indicator.

What if you get drunk at another point in time, and the same thing happens? It's easier to push feelings aside when alcohol isn't involved... but you're not going to give up drinking altogether are you?

I dunno, I would just hate it to be this guy. To be someone you THINK you should be with, so you have to CONVINCE yourself to really love me. I think it should be more of a natural thing... not something you pressure yourself to feel.

Like I said, maybe it's just me?

[MummyDaddy]

How you feel about "wrong" guys can't really be stopped.

Actually it can.

We are in charge of our feelings.

We are in charge of how we behave.

Usually feelings are an extension of behaviour.

If you don't want to love someone you can quite easily turn yourself off them.

All you have to do is tell yourself 'i don't love them' everytime you think you do.

Trust me, the brain is a very powerful tool and you are actually are very much in charge of your feelings.

If you tell yourself 'i am confused' then you will be.

If you tell yourself 'i just don't love him' then you won't.

If you tell yourself 'i love him' then you will. Look at all the women in terrible relationships that stay because they fool themself into thinking they love the person who punches them in the mouth every second day.

It's the biggest lie ever told on the face of the earth that we're not in charge of our feelings.

We are in charge.

That's what makes us human.

[MummyDaddy]

I know that if I can just get over this current inclination of mine to act like a teenager that I can committ to him and allow myself to really love him and be faithful and devoted to him. The problem is convincing my inner wild child to calm down and let the respoibsible mum in me take charge and make the most appropriate decision for me and my kids.

In that case ... if you do love him, then my advice is this.

- don't tell him that you were unfaithful, instead use that moment as the 'thing' that happened that made you realise what you ultimately wanted
- give yourself to him, entirely, all of you, your emotions, everything, that means telling him you love him and want to commit to him
- tell yourself everyday 'i'm not confused, why would I be, i'm in love with him, what's not to love, he's so fantastic and wonderful, i love this man, he is the best man and the right man for me'.

Good luck hon, you'll get there, sometimes it's something like infidelity that makes us realise what it is we exactly want :hugs::hugs:

[shellmabell]

I thought this was the original dilemma written in your thread?? That you went out, got drunk and hooked up with some "wrong" guy?? & then your saying this is exactly the type of person that your nothing like... :confused: Lost me...

SmileyBJ- let me clarify-

I went to a party with some old high school friends, drank a lot of alcohol and slept with an old high school boyfriend. That is not the real me- that person that reared it's ugly head at the party is a very small part of me that has been hiding inside me since I was a teenage and only appeared because of the company I was in and the amount of alcohol I drank. I had a great time as that person, and I'd love to be able to be that carefree, irresponsible wild child again. However, the dilemma is that I know it's not who I want to be, it's only going to give me pain and regret, yet she is very hard to supress.
I believe I may have an answer to part of the problem. I believe that I can train myself to think like a responsible adult and let myself fall wholly and completely in love with my b/f and forget this ever happened- as explained by Phoenix. I know I will always have this other side of my personality that will want to come out occasionally, so I have to learn some self-control and maybe find another way to feed her need for some fun, spontaneity and freedom that do not involve hurting myself or my b/f or anyone else. For example I occasionally get together with my girlfriends for a couple of drinks and have an awesome time letting loose on the dance floor. I'd also be happy to bring out that wild girl in the bedroom....;) (with only my b/f of course)

Anyway, I think this is the best option for me, my b/f and my kids. I know many of you think I am being cruel and deceitful by not telling him, but I know telling him would hurt him more.
I believe I can love him like he deserves, and be the woman I want to be- I just need to excercise some more self-control (and limit my alcohol intake!)

Thanks girls, you are all so wise and caring

[Issey]

Actually it can.

We are in charge of our feelings.

We are in charge of how we behave.

Usually feelings are an extension of behaviour.

If you don't want to love someone you can quite easily turn yourself off them.

All you have to do is tell yourself 'i don't love them' everytime you think you do.

Trust me, the brain is a very powerful tool and you are actually are very much in charge of your feelings.

If you tell yourself 'i am confused' then you will be.

If you tell yourself 'i just don't love him' then you won't.

If you tell yourself 'i love him' then you will. Look at all the women in terrible relationships that stay because they fool themself into thinking they love the person who punches them in the mouth every second day.

It's the biggest lie ever told on the face of the earth that we're not in charge of our feelings.

We are in charge.

That's what makes us human.

these are pretty powerful words

[happytobehere]

shellmabell i dont think bad of u. i did mention in a previous post that i thought telling him to make him choose whether or not u 2 should stay 2gether was cruel seen as u have so many doubts. but i still wouldnt think ur a bad person.

hope ur feeling better and remember there is nothing wrong with going out and cutting loose every now and again :)

Seems like tho uve been thinking long and hard and doing ur best to come up with a solution that gives u what u need longterm with the least amount of pain given out short term.

hold ur head high. be free if u wanna be free girl or work it out with ur man. Its ur choice and dont feel bad, k?