I'm a young step-mum and desperately need some help...

[melly087]

First I'll introduce myself and my situation....

My name is Mel, and I am 21 years old. I have a partner who is 23, who has a 4 year old daughter.

When my partner and I first started seeing each other, about two years ago, I knew he had a child. I'm also from a blended family and thought that taking on the two of them wouldn't be too hard... But...

Over the years, I have found it increasingly difficult to deal with my step daughter. Not that any of it is her fault, she is so little and just caught in the middle of a situation that she didn't choose to be in. Her mother is a disgrace,:barf: she is 22 and has just had her third child. Two out of three of those children were conceived because she wanted the baby bonus (her words, not mine). Bio mum lives in filth, she smokes and drinks (even whilst pregnant) and has no regard for her children.

I find it really hard to relate to my SD because we play together and have fun but by the end of the weekend, once she hears the word 'mum' its like i become invisible. I hate it because we bond and then its like a slap in the face when I'm not wanted anymore. We treat her well and do the best that we can, and her mother is just hopeless but SD dotes on her. I know that she is little and doesn't understand, but it still hurts :(

I also have a major jealousy problem, sometimes it is directly related to SD just being here, but mostly its because my partner has a child with someone else, and we can't have that just yet. But lately i've been finding that my jealousy has been starting to interfere with my relationship with both my partner and my SD and I don't think it's fair to either one of them. Like I say, she's just a little kid and none of this was ever her fault.

I just need some reassurance and some guidance, that i'm not the only one out there feeling like this. To whoever reads this, thanks for listening and taking the time to read my post :)

[HunterzMummy]

Awww hunnie,

I am a 21 yr old step mum to a 4 yr old boy.

I understand the difficulties, i really dont like being one to be completly honest. I know what you mean about feelings of resentment and it comming between your relationship even when you know its not the kids fault but you cant shake these very real and raw feelings.

I am seeing a counseller (much more to my story) and am SLOWLY working through it.

But if you are fond of SD and the mother is so horrid would you and your DH go for sole or more custody then 1 weekend? Maybe thats an option.

Hope things get better for you. And i am always here if you wanna chat. Can PM me anytime :D

[NibbleCurlynBub]

Hmm.. Sounds like your SD and Brett's son might share a mother.

Whereabouts are you located? :detective:

[Mathermy]

Your capacity to see the situation from your step daughter's perspective with such honesty and kindness is a real sign of your maturity and beautiful soul.

It is our behaviour when placed in a really bad situation that shows what we are made of IMO and in this situation you have obviously done exceptionally well to look beyond your own feelings and how the situation affects you personally. So often the children are left to bare the brunt of the bad choices the adults around them have made. I really applaud you and think you are a blessing in your step daughters life.:hugs::flowerz:

[melly087]

oh my goodness, thank you everyone for your kind words.

HunterzMummy, thank you so much, I've always had the feeling that I'm one of few young step mums, so it's nice to know I'm not the only one, and that we share the same sort of feelings on being a step-mum. So if things get worse i'll definately PM you :).

Malol - thank you too, sometimes I feel so bitter and twisted about the whole situation, I keep having to bring myself back down to earth and realise that this isn't all about me. But I really am having difficulties dealing with resentment ad jealousy. Like I said though, I want to be able to deal with it without taking it out on anyone who doesn't deserve it.

My SD arrived a couple of hours ago, saying that her 'mum and dad' dropped her off at our house. my DH said 'what do you mean your mum and dad?' but SD couldn't answer because she knew that what she'd say would upset her dad. Her bio mum has been asking my SD to call her partner Dad, which I don't think is fair at this stage because she is so young and doesn't understand what she is being made to say.

So it looks like we're going to have her every weekend, hopefully she will understand the difference between her real dad and her bio mum's partner.

We're located in Hobart, so I kind of have to be careful of what I say as everyone knows everyone down here:(

Again, thank you guys for your kind words, it really means the world to me to finally have someone who understands :hugs:

[NibbleCurlynBub]

Ah, well nevermind, not the same one.

Though I swear, it sounds like it. :o

[AlyssaMayChloeMay]

hi,

i understand the feelings of having a DSD and my own DD, im 21 too and my fiance is 23, we both find it hard wen the other baby leaves to go to their bio parents, my DD is with us 99% of the time, as her father doesnt want to have her coz it ruins his life and his plans, and wen he does have her he doesnt feed her or care for her properly, he only has her coz his family tell him too, and my fiance hates seein her go, as he loves her like his own, and pays for everythin for her and supports her, DD is 16 months old, and we spend time with her and teaching her things and setting routines for her and gettign her to sleep through the night, and she spends one night at her bio fathers place and shes miserable and tired and sick and wakes through the night wen she comes home again...then we are at square one again with her...my fiance wants to treat her like his own and love her, but he hates that she goes to her bio fathers and doesnt get looked after properly and then he says DD isnt his so he shouldnt care...or shouldnt feel like he does...wat are your views...??

[Amara]

I've been a step mum for a few years now although her dad and I are not currently together. I know exactly what you mean about how kids talk when it's time to go back to mum. It makes you feel like you are nothing.

Just the other day my exes ex bought miss 6 along for a visit to me as she was missing me and her step brother & dog. She then didn't want to leave with her mum cos she wanted to stay longer. I then got to see the other side of it, how disappointing it is to the mum when they witness "the other woman" being wanted by the child.

[Everyday]

:hugs: I know how you feel!! I was 24 when i met my DH and his kids where 6 and just turnt 8. We had then 50% 0f the time i found it VERY hard and resented it. But we ended up having to move 3 hours away for Dh's work and had them every 2nd weekend and half school hols. But his ex has been filling up their weekends so now we only see them on the occasional weekends and holidays. I do miss them but i find my relationship with them is ALOT better and DH and I hardly fight now. But it isnt over, i think SD will endup living with us as she is in highschool now and *****y (like her mum) and they will fight big time.The thought of it scares me!!! I dont know if i will cope i dont think our marriage will be strong enough, sad to say :no:

Id love to say it will get easyer but it doesnt, There are alot of good times but! But you will have them for the rest of your life....

[melly087]

For Alyssa, I think it would be hard for you to see your child go to their father when they seem to not care at all about them. He seems very immature and still has his own agenda for his life and his child just doesn't come into it at all. So for your fiancee, I completely understand and relate to the whole 'why should I care' attitude. For me, it's not at all that I don't care, it's more of a self preservation type of thing. While the child may not be his, he is a major part of their life and seeing as their own father is no type of role model, the best your partner can do is to be there for your baby to provide a strong, stable, reliable role model for them. I really hope he doesn't give up because i beleive they do need that type of male influence in their life, whichever form it comes in. I wouldn't advocate for stopping your ex from seeing his child, I guess just hang in there and hope that he grows up soon. I completely understand that it would be really hard, especially seeing as it messes up her routine and makes her so upset.

Amara, i know exactly what you mean. Like my counsellor said, for little kids 'the grass is always greener on the other side'. Some of the time my SD will actually want to come and stay with us, but when its time to go home, like i say, we just become invisble. It seems like we just can't win...

Lil'muggos, I understand that the less you see them, the better your relationship with your partner. My partner's ex has started to do the same thing, filling up my SD's weekend to try and make it so that her Dad can't see her. But he stands his ground and says that there is no reason for him to not be able to take his daughter to the things that her mum has organised so that he still gets to see her. I know it's going to get harder as she grows up, especially through the teen years. I'm trying so hard to hang on to that last little bit of optimism and think that things will be ok, they'll be hard, but we'll all get there in the end.

This doesn't really have much to do with what we've been talking about, but my partner and I find it really beneficial to talk about things on 'neutral ground', like so that we're not in the house in our own territory, so to speak. If we go to a park or just a drive then we become a lot less defensive and can work through what we are both feeling, for example, my jealousy and the fact that I think that her bio mum is not doing the right thing by her child. I find it really beneficial just for my own sanity to go and see a counsellor, because she is removed from the situation and can see it from another perspective. I really hope that you find something that helps you deal with being a step mum and potentially having her more because the thought of your marriage breaking up over it really sad and I would hate to see that happen to anyone :hugs:. But having said all of that, I totally, 100% understand all of the feelings and sometimes how awful it can be.