Access.

[Single21]

Hey everyone,

I'm 22 years old, 36 weeks pregnant and single. The father and I broke up a week after I found out (I was 8 weeks pregnant at the time). I was not happy in the relationship, and once I told him I was pregnant he started pushing me to moving in with him and all that, knowing I did not want that.

Now, we get along ok, we can talk pretty good. But the other day we were talking about his visits and things. He has the impression we will be doing things every day together, I will go to his place every day so he can see his son, we will go to the park together every day. He pretty much has the impression we will be like one happy family, without us dating or living together.

I can't get up everyday and the biggest focus is him seeing his son and going out to do things with him so he can. I have things going on and a life to lead. He only works one day a week so it's ok for him, but I ahve my own life.

How often is appropriate for access visits? Is it normal for the mother to leave a newborn with the father for a day or a few hours? I don't want to leave my son with him for the day and go off. I would have to be there, this bloke doesn't know the first thing about babies, and has been a pothead for the past 24 years, all day, every day (and does not plan on giving it up 'because he won't be living with his son so why bother'.

Thanks in advance.

[MummyDaddy]

You should call legal aid for advice.

Then you should write up a parenting agreement.

They recommend short regular contact for small babies.

If he is a druggie - then this would need to be supervised access.

You may find when the baby arrives and he realises what actually needs to be done with a baby that his enthusiasm wears off.

Wait and see how it pans out when the baby is here.

Til then - arm yourself with knowledge.

[Issey]

You should call legal aid for advice.

Then you should write up a parenting agreement.

They recommend short regular contact for small babies.

If he is a druggie - then this would need to be supervised access.

You may find when the baby arrives and he realises what actually needs to be done with a baby that his enthusiasm wears off.

Wait and see how it pans out when the baby is here.

Til then - arm yourself with knowledge.
:iagree:

lots of things change when a new baby arrives so I wouldnt' get too far ahead.

The idea of seeing him everday at park etc seems ridiculous if you aren't in a relationship.

You would do what works for both of you which is 'reasonable' and I guess legal aid will be able to verify what 'reasonable' means :)
:hugs:

[pegasaurus]

best wishes for the new bub! I believe that the courts now work backwards from 50:50 access, however in the first few years, other factors such as breastfeeding etc. are a big issue.

I too have been pregnant and had an XP expect to be around the baby (and therefore me) more often than I expected. And I had to set this straight very soon after bubs was born (ahem, babies are NOT toys and they NEED their mummies, and their mummies DO NOT need to be around XP when they are sleep deprived!!!!)

1. newborns sleep most/much of the time for the first three months so there won't be much for him to see. Perhaps suggest 1-2 hours a day, several days a week, at a time you work out that the baby is likely to be awake
2. by ~6 weeks the baby (and you) will probably be up for outings to park etc. Perhaps try to shift access to a public location where you can get yourself a coffee etc. or go shopping (groceries?) for an hour (Westfield?)
3. by three months, you will be quite experienced. if you know XP is irresponsible, suggest he meet bubs for breakfast or at times that he is a) unlikely to appear if he is dodgy or b) more likely to be straight

I have a parental agreement in place for my littlie that is subject to review when he is one (until then: no overnight custody, 2-3 hours custody, three times a week). This works as we both work and it is giving me confidence that he is learning to appreciate the work involved such that he can be trusted to be sole carer for short stints.

At the end of the day, as much as we dislike XP, our babies will have the right to make their own decisions in due course (unless we know that this will expose them to physical/emotional risk), so a softly softly approach can keep things amicable such that our bubs will feel they at least had the opportunity to love and be loved by both parents.

If you want help with drawing up orders PM me.

[Bubmum]

The most access that can be legally enforced is 3 one and a half hour visits per week. If you do not want him to come to the hospital, he is not allowed to (to visit bubs). You will probably not have to see him for the first 3 months if you don't want to. That way, you and bubby can spend precious time together, bonding as Mummy and bubby.
I was in exactly the same situation as you are, and was completely panicked about handing my baby over. So I got lots of legal advice (btw, nothing can be put in place until the baby is born). I would put down what you want in writing. Life with a new baby can be very hectic.
It is lovely that he thinks that you will all be gadding about together, but once bubby is out, he will see the realith of things...probably freak out, and smoke even more pot, and then you won't hear from him half as much as you expect. Good luck. :hugs:

[sassichik74]

Wow Single21! For a second there I thort man i must really have pregnancy brain :dizzy:, because I dont remember posting this thread....

I am in the exact same situation :hair:, and from Adelaide, due end of March.

Only difference is my XP has a very good job though, but hasnt help out with any of the financial side of things, we both agreed on going through my PHI, but as we all know not much of having a baby is really covered through PHI, so i have covered all the medical expenses, nursery set-up, etc.

He says hell help financially when she is born.... But im not going to hold my breath... Which really annoys me as the initial setup seems to be the most expensive part.

He wants equal share in everything, naming her, being at the birth, visiting her etc, but wont put his short arms into his deep pockets.

I am so frustrated with this, as Im self employed and have had to work really really hard to keep my head above water, while he gets to go out boozing and partying with his friends, and he just expects to walts back into our lives and play the ever greatest father role, you know like have his cake and eat it too.

Ive been to Legal Aid, Womens Legal Services and Relationships SA, and pretty much been told that we (XP) need to make a parenting plan and then once our lil girl is 6mths we will need mediation.

Thank you for starting this thread :yelclap:, as the input from the other posters have been a really big help to me and insight to this situation :thumbsup:.

I will be following this thread carefully :smiliedance:.
:flowerz: sassichik74

[SPC]

Sassichick - I presume legal aid told you that he has to pay 50% of all costs for the first few months, including hospital bills, cot pram, loss of earnings etc? Then he will need to pay child support, which is a set percentage of his income, so you should be OK if he earns a lot! We have a single 30 something mum's thread in the 30 something forum, and most of us were single and pregnant recently, [I'm presuming due to your 74!].

If these men are half decent I assure you, you'll be glad of a bit of time to yourself after a few months! I'd give my eye teeth to have a reasonable bloke to leave Esme with for an hour so I could go for a swim. And grandparents! That would be marvelous...but my FOB has run away to Canada and not told his family in Melbourne about us. If you want to have a life I'd try very hard to keep things civil. A father to have Esme 6 nights a fortnight when she's school age would be my idea of heaven! Just think of all the sleep I could get....

[crazymuma]

The most access that can be legally enforced is 3 one and a half hour visits per week. It is lovely that he thinks that you will all be gadding about together, but once bubby is out, he will see the realith of things...probably freak out, and smoke even more pot, and then you won't hear from him half as much as you expect. Good luck. :hugs:


Just wondering where this information comes from. As far as legal aid has informed me with my situation is a father is legally entitled to 50% care if he chooses to fight for it. They told me the only way to get around this is if you are beastfeeding as they will not seperate a child from a breastfeeding mother for any long period of time
A parenting plan is definetly the way to go - contact legal aid so they can organise mediation.
As far as a being a pothead - this will only matter if it goes to court and even then unless you can show proof of his drug history it won't matter if he can return 1 negative drug test.

[Single21]

Everything has changed now. We spoke last night on the phone, and I said something about child support. He absolutely lost it, screaming that if he has to pay for child support, he's going for joint custody. Then he said "Well I'm quitting my job and going on the dole so I won't have to pay for anything". This is the jerk I'm dealing with here. I told him he's a pothead & there is no way the baby is staying in his care. So, now we are off to court. He's going for joint custody, I am going for supervised access.

Just a few questions - do text messages hold up in court? I have one here stating "Get the c*m out your *** - you're full of sh*t" - I think that speaks volumes about his sick nature.

Also, if I give my child my last name, can he get that changed?

And how long does this all take to reach court roughly?

Thanks in advance.

[Jakois]

Everything has changed now. We spoke last night on the phone, and I said something about child support. He absolutely lost it, screaming that if he has to pay for child support, he's going for joint custody. Then he said "Well I'm quitting my job and going on the dole so I won't have to pay for anything". This is the jerk I'm dealing with here. I told him he's a pothead & there is no way the baby is staying in his care. So, now we are off to court. He's going for joint custody, I am going for supervised access.

Just a few questions - do text messages hold up in court? I have one here stating "Get the c*m out your *** - you're full of sh*t" - I think that speaks volumes about his sick nature.

Also, if I give my child my last name, can he get that changed?

And how long does this all take to reach court roughly?

Thanks in advance.

I think your best bet is to get Legal Advice.

Timelines for Family Court can vary.

If you have Legal representation they will do up interim orders until you have a Court Date.

To my knowledge and information They will not separate your baby from you for quite a while.

Are you entitled to Legal Aid?

[pegasaurus]

If you are really concerned about access and not money, then I would completely back peddle on the child support issue.

Please don't put you having primary care at risk (by going to court) over a disagreement about child support. If necessary the CSA can chase that later.

I'd encourage not to talk about anything provocative which might interfere with you getting amicable written consent to have primary care, even if it means repeatedly holding your tongue. You can always come online and vent.

Yes it sounds like he's a jerk, but even if you are 'right' in your disagreements, there's a third person in the game now and you really don't want them in the middle. :hugs: Good luck!