Dsperately need some advice....

[talia11]

My DH's DS who is 11 lives with us full-time.
He lived with us for about 12 months after DH and his ex split (DH came to NSW from QLD with his DS), went back to his mum in QLD for about 18 months then came back to us and has been here for 12 months now (permanently - his mum doesnt want him back - long story there).

Well DSS has some huge emotional issues due to the breakup and DH and I getting together fairly quickly after that...has been seeing a Pscyh to work through some of that, but I find that i just get so frsutrated with him and in a nutshell, find that i don't have those 'love' feelings for him at all.

I know it sounds horrible but I can't force myself to love him but at this point I am finding it hard to tolerate him - obviously being pregnant doesn't help!

Would really like some advice - I am a big girl so give it to me please!!

[MamaKoala]

I think you should understand that this child's life has changed in dramatic ways. His parents have split up after 9 years, he's been bounced around over the last 3 years, his mother no longer wants him and he has a new step mother whom he didn't get a choice in or much time to get to know before you became his extended family. There was no time for just him with his father so he hasn't had the time to recover and know that he is safe and secure with his family.
Kids can be frustrating but you really need to be more patient with him. He is broken and he needs all the support and love he can get.
I understand that you are only human but think of life from his point of view and all the damage that has been done to him over the last few years, it's been so unsettled and unpredictable. Moving is stressful, moving away from family and friends is horrible enough for adults. Think of it from his position. He had to move to NSW and has had no real say in who he stays with.
I wish I could give that boy a hug. He deserves a lot of tolerance and compassion right now.

[talia11]

Thanks for your reply Mama - you have said everything I already have thought of - I am just finding it hard to put into practice. I find that I am the sort of person who just gets on with it and works through it and have a hard time relasiing that he is not like that. And to make things even more complicated he treats me like a typical step-mother - doesn't seem to think I have any right to set rules etc....

I will say that he did have the choice to move back with us - although his mother didn't want him (she never told him that) he had wanted to come back to us months before he did but we said he had to finish the school year first and all of the family on my husbands side is down here so he has that. I don't necessarily think its the move that is the primary issue, more the abandonment from his mother and me being the 'intruder' who is stopping them from being together (Depsite the fac t his mum is re-married too).

[MamaKoala]

Blended families are very hard and it seems like everyone has moved on but he hasn't caught up. I suppose if you made a little extra time for him just the two of you (where possible) to show him that you are on his side and that you want him to be a part of the family he may eventually adapt. He also should spend some alone time with DH so that he gets the quality time with him and they can talk about how he is coping with everything.
I hope that you and DH have sat him down in a casual setting and talked to him about how the house will be run. As long as you and DH are consistent and united he will (hopefully) transition and adapt to his new life.
I'm sure you'll find the patience and strength to manage the situation and as long as you are open to him I'm sure you will eventually care for and love him as your son.

[SuperGranny]

HI talia, I think you can see the difference with you and your stepson, you just want to get on with things, and he is having trouble coping. There is a huge difference with your personalities from what I can see. That is nothing wrong, it just means there has to be adjustments on both sides. I would be trying to talk with your hubby and with your stepson, and just see what is important for the boy. It is a huge adjustment for him and I think just a little patience and understanding will go a long way, Marie.

[talia11]

Thanks for the advice.
We have had the rules chat but doesn't seem to make much difference - I think that is more that he is an 11 year old boy than any other reason'!

I am going to make more of an effort to be understanding and not engage in things when he back-chats etc which seems where the problems begin cause I get caught up in the discussion about it then he gets upset.

Thanks for the advice!

[lau]

i dont have any answers for you, but i would just say stick at it.
My parents seperated when i was younger (16) and my dad started living with a lady. My brothers were 5 and 9 at the time, and it took them quite some time to allow her into their lives. They just had so much to deal with already that i dont think they had the capacity to work on liking her as well. They wouldnt talk to her, hated going places with her and my dad, and basically made it really hard for her.
But, she kept at it for a few years in her quiet and beautiful way (as it sounds like you are doing), and as they got older they truely came to adore and love her, and appreciate not only what she did for them, but for my dad also.

Hang in there, vent when you need to, and just give him support, consistency and love.
Maybe he could suggest something he would really like to do, and you and he could go and do that once a week or so, just for a bit of added bonding??:hugs:

[DALLASMUM]

Keep at it, i think you will find if that even if he were your own flesh and blood you would be feeling the same way. i have a 11 year old stepson(who also lives with us FT) and a 10 year old daughter and they both drive me round the twist. It is the age. it is hard but worth it

[KatiesMum]

Thanks for the advice.
We have had the rules chat but doesn't seem to make much difference - I think that is more that he is an 11 year old boy than any other reason'!

I am going to make more of an effort to be understanding and not engage in things when he back-chats etc which seems where the problems begin cause I get caught up in the discussion about it then he gets upset.

Thanks for the advice!

You are doing a great job. That kind of attitude (that you will conciously make more of an effort ... understand where some of the problems are ... understand that there ARE some issues) is a great start.

You obviously care, and that will get through to him over time.

Being pregnant, your hormones, your insecurities and emotions are going insane .... and are affecting how you 'tolerate' him or react / deal with him anyway .... and his insecurities over you having a baby will be right up there.

All you can do is keep trying, show him that you do love him and hope that he comes around.

and most of all, remember that IT WILL PASS :hugs:

[Baldie's Mum]

Do you make him feel part of the pregnancy??? that also could be a factor in his life......

I think your doing a great job, your asking for help and advice and you have a wonderful personality that will get you through this time.

I would just say make sure you guys include him in everything that you do....and maybe sit down and have a chat with him with his pappa.

:hugs:

[Just Add Water]

Oh, you and I need to meet up for several coffees.... *hugs* I have 3 step children (live with us FT) (8, 5 & 4) and the 8 year old and I have major conflicts with each other. I have struggled with this since I have been with his father (3 years) and it is really, really hard. We still butt heads but I try to be patient with him. One thing I did figure out in the end was that he wasn't taking things out on me because I had done something wrong, but most often it was because of something his mother had done / not done. She left his father, left the kids and yet still tells the kids that her and DH will get back together one day and that they shouldn't listen to me. Then she's happy in her life and suddenly it's okay for them to mention my name again.

I am also pregnant so everything is much more stressful than I have ever thought possible. I am only now learning to read the signs of his behaviour and if I can then DH & I will try to stop it before it kicks off by asking him what's up, or saying "So, we're thinking you're feeling pretty disappointed by *insert whatever*?" and we go from there. His teacher last year was fabulous and the school was extremely supportive so they would encourage him to talk as well. It makes a HUGE difference.

I can honestly say that I don't "love" DSS1 either, I haven't developed the bond with him that I have with his brother and sister. He remembers life with his mother, the other two remember very little. I like him at the moment and that is increasing day by day, but there is no rule that says you have to love your step kids. You, like me, fell in love with their father, not them. Treating them with respect, including them in your life and being there for them, well that is enough. If the love is going to happen then it's going to happen. Don't focus on it, I used to and it made everything so much harder.

Good luck with it :)

[ally21]

I have a SS11 who lives with us full time too, I have been married and living with DS and SS for 4 years now.....it was really hard as I had two babies in quick succession and lots of problems with SS along the way - not accepting me, being horrible to me etc. This is the advice I would give myself, knowing what I know now
1) Don't do it!
2) if you decide to do it anyway, realise that SS is going to have issues with it all regardless of how much you try, and there are days you want to top yourself and him/walk out/go mental
3) you will never love him like your own children so don't feel guilty
4) he will never love you like his own parents so don't think you are not doing something right
5) if you hang in there it will gradually and slowly become better (4 years and there are days I actually like him)

[DALLASMUM]

I have a SS11 who lives with us full time too, I have been married and living with DS and SS for 4 years now.....it was really hard as I had two babies in quick succession and lots of problems with SS along the way - not accepting me, being horrible to me etc. This is the advice I would give myself, knowing what I know now

1) Don't do it!
2) if you decide to do it anyway, realise that SS is going to have issues with it all regardless of how much you try, and there are days you want to top yourself and him/walk out/go mental
3) you will never love him like your own children so don't feel guilty
4) he will never love you like his own parents so don't think you are not doing something right
5) if you hang in there it will gradually and slowly become better (4 years and there are days I actually like him)

This is very harsh. I dont agree at all. I have been a step mum to my DS for five years and yes it has been tough but so is parenting. i have 10 year old DSS and 9 year old DD and i find them both just as frustrating, but i love them just the same even though one is not biologically mine.

[SimplyMum]

Go out for some ice-cream just the two of you. Make it spontanious. Sit down and chat to him about life in general. What's his friends names? What's his favourite subject in school. Tell him what your fav subject in school was. Make it light. No obligation to tell you anything he doesn't want to at the moment. Just 'friendly'. Take him to the cd store and tell him that you're sick of your music lately- can he suggest something 'cool' to play in the car? Get on his side first, than tackle descipline and all the BORING stuff!

[jen023]

I have a SS11 who lives with us full time too, I have been married and living with DS and SS for 4 years now.....it was really hard as I had two babies in quick succession and lots of problems with SS along the way - not accepting me, being horrible to me etc. This is the advice I would give myself, knowing what I know now
1) Don't do it!
2) if you decide to do it anyway, realise that SS is going to have issues with it all regardless of how much you try, and there are days you want to top yourself and him/walk out/go mental
3) you will never love him like your own children so don't feel guilty
4) he will never love you like his own parents so don't think you are not doing something right
5) if you hang in there it will gradually and slowly become better (4 years and there are days I actually like him)

I think you need to realise your opinion may not be the same as others. I DO love my stepson as if he was my son. We have a different relationship, but there is not one thing I would;'t do for him. I think it is totally wrong you saying people can not love their step children like their own.
Actually I feel sorry for you that you have this mindset.
And he does love me, maybe not like his mum, but i'm the one who he wakes up when he's sick, I help him get ready for school, and I know how much he loves me, because he tells me and shows me.

back to the OP, you are doing a great job, I think it;s important to remember he is a child, and obviously had a bit of a hard time.
One thing I did was really work with him in his interests. My Dss loved building trains, we sat there for hours, it took almost a week making this train, he was so proud of it. It is now sitting on our wall unit, he made a sign "Made by me and my Jen" He calls me 'my jen'
Good Luck it's not easy, but think you are all this boy has a great family, and in 5 or 10 years he will be so grateful for the fantastic life and opprtunities you have given him

[DALLASMUM]

I think you need to realise your opinion may not be the same as others. I DO love my stepson as if he was my son. We have a different relationship, but there is not one thing I would;'t do for him. I think it is totally wrong you saying people can not love their step children like their own.
Actually I feel sorry for you that you have this mindset.
And he does love me, maybe not like his mum, but i'm the one who he wakes up when he's sick, I help him get ready for school, and I know how much he loves me, because he tells me and shows me.


Well said.

I actually feel sorry for her step child though..... not her