Anyone else's DH not keen on ttc?

[dido]

Hi everyone!

To cut a long story short, dh and I have been together for 17 years and I'm now 36. I really want to have a child and we are currently ttc but he is not keen at all. He has agreed to start the process but we don't really talk about it much.

Anyone else out there in the same boat? Maybe someone can reassure me that everything will be fine if we do have a bub... any experience from other mums? Anyone else have a nervous partner who turned out to be father of the year?!!!

We do have loads of nieces and nephews and he's great with them.

Thanks bubhubbers... :)

[anemone]

Hi Dido,

Yup I have this issue. Frustrating, isn't it? Do you think the prob is that he's afraid of upsetting the status quo, or reluctatn to give up some aspect of his life that he thinks he will once bub is here? I think that may play a role with my dp, who is heavily into sports training so it will be an ajjustment for sure!

Unlike you though, dp and me have not been together that long, so maybe that's part of the issue for us. We havent even started trying yet as we need to move house, which is stressful, and as Im 37 ... TICK TOCK!! I havent been pressuring him as Id rather he was complettely onboard, which I know he is on some level as he does mention..."when we have kids" etc.

It's good that your dp has agreed to start TTC, I think a lot of blokes just dont want to know the nitty gritty of it as they think it lessens the spontanaity or something.

Maybe its worth throwing out a gentle question or 2 about how he feels about the TTC process, so that you know wots on his mind...

Good luck and keep us posted!
A

[SJ1312]

I know the feeling!
My DH agreed to TTC, the thought of having kids was in teh back of his mind, like we werent going to concieve for a while (we both thought this for some reason)... but he was over the moon with all the nookie he was getting!! 2 months later without really trying (charting cycle etc.) we were pregnant... he was distant and i think i disbelief.... it took him a few weeks to 'come around'.... then he got the smack in teh mouth its definately real when we found out it was twins (i think he almost wanted to change his mind then, two babies - NOT ONE!)
Since he has been at an ultra sound he is really excited about it and reminds me almost daily "were having 2 babies".

Maybe men just need a bit of reassurance? If he isnt clucky himself then maybe it will take a while....

Wish i knew the answers for you, they're a strange breed (men) arent they!

[Tulp]

Before we got married my DH always said he did not want kids. Seeing how I was in my mid-30s and DH mid-40s I just decided it was ok with me.

After a year of being married I just asked him if we wanted to try and he agreed. After a month we became pregnant. He became a daddy at 48 and me a mummy at 37.

He is so happy with our little boy and we are stopping at one. DH is an awesome father. We enjoy having our little boy in our lives.

IMO if you both decide to go ahead with it and be prepared to go through it together, you can do anything.

[KatiesMum]

Me and my DH always wanted kids - but he kept puttng it off and putting it off.

We started trying when I was 29 (we had been together for 10 yrs at this point, and married for 4). He agreed to try .. but we didnt talk about it much as he definately wasnt that keen ...

After 2 yrs of not falling pregnant, and keeping my devastation to myself, I started talking to him more. He still wasnt all that keen on doing anything about it ...

Another year went by, before he finally agreed to see someone about why we werent falling pregnant ... and another 6 months before we got in to see the fertility specialist. (So ttc for 3.5 yrs now, still relatively grudgingly by DH)

The FS removed a cyst and sstuff, and told us we needed IVF, but we decided to try 3 more months of ttc before we went down that path (just for him to get his head around it really :p) and fell preg naturally in the 3rd month of that time ...:smiliedance:

So - after 4 veyr long years of it, it was only the the last 6 months that he was a bit more into 'yes its time now' kind of thing. Even when we fell preg he was still not really very excited about bubs coming etc.

BUT

He is a GREAT Dad. He was supportive and helpful all through the pregnancy, and has been great since she was born. Never once have I got the 'this is what you wanted' or 'you were the one who wanted to have a baby' kind of speech ....

Sometimes men are weird ... they dont want to talk about it - but are fine when it happens.

:hugs: and good luck

[dido]

It's great to hear that other guys have made the adjustment even though they weren't keen initially. Thanks everyone for your support :)

When dh and I met he mentioned he wasn't planning on having kids and I told him I was for sure! I told him he would need to change his mind if he wanted to be with me and he agreed. I have asked him about 4 times seriously over the past 17 years and he has said it was the wrong time. Finally in 2007 I told him we couldn't put it off any more due to our age and he said not ever! I couldn't believe it, I was so upset as I felt like he had lied to me all these years. I considered leaving him but decided that I would have to live with it.

Once I told him that I had decided to put him beofre having a child he said it was okay to start ttc! Although it was over a year of fighting to come to that decision. It was really hard for me and now I'm obsessed with the whole thing. It's only been 5 months since we started but I feel likes it's been going on for years because of the struggle.

I'm so glad other ladies out there have found their partners adjust once the bub comes along... it's really reassuring.

Hoping for :bfp: this month for everyone!

[anemone]

Dido,
Sorry to hear of the rocky road you've been on with your man. Many ppl would've left - my best freind had a similar situation and she actually left her husband over it (although they hadnt been married long) - and I can see why...the urge to have a baby is really strong for most of us and it must be devastating when your man changes his mind.

It must have been really tough, but you've been really determined to hang in there despite it and Im sure that will pay dividends :). In the form of a :bfp: soon!
take care.
A

[TacoFest]

Hi Dido

My situation is a bit different, we didn't try to conceive, so becoming pregnant was a big surprise (we were using contraception).

However, when DP and I first got together, he would always say he didn't want kids. I never though much of it as we are young and I thought he would change his mind down the track.

When we found out I was pregnant at a dating scan, I was already 13 weeks and as soon as my DP saw our little bub on the screen, he completely changed his mind, and has been over the moon since! He has bought me baby books, some little body suits and is always telling me what I should be eating our doing:rolleyes:
So I'm sure that once you conceive your DP will come around and share your joy!

[dido]

Thanks girls for your new replies. DH had a chat about the situation a little while last week and I think he's getting used to the idea. I think I'm stressing more than him at this stage! He takes everything in life pretty seriously so I think he doesn't want to get himself in a situation where he doesn't feel 100% in control.

Lulu... congrats on your pregnancy! Sounds like DP is really excited about your new arrival. Think it would have been easier for us if it just happened.

Anemone... I certainly did seriously consider leaving but we are really happy together except for this issue. I do worry that I will resent him in the future if we don't end up having a child. Good luck with your plans also, it must be hard if you only meet later in life and you hear the biological ticking straight away!

Katie's mum... Wow, you have been through so much. Your comment about your dh being such a great dad and not throwing back in your face has reassured me. Thanks for being so open with your story.

Tulp... what a great story! You guys sound like wonderful parents and there must be advantages to being slightly older when you have a bub.

SJ...Wow twins! It's kind of like a ready made family! Men certainly are a strange breed. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy, you must be getting really excited.

:) Hoping for a BFP in a couple of days, 12dpo and counting...