not sure if it is fair

[ZooKeeper]

G'day,
My DH really doesn't like to tell me how much he earns, and if he does, usually understates it by at least $20-30 (sometimes much more) which given it's not a huge wage actually matters. Housekeeping (I'm a SAHM with some casual WFH) is completely variable -- at his last job averaged $300 a week to housekeeping (and he had some cashies on the side he kept the money from plus $200 a week of his wage or so), at this job anything between $400 to $800 to housekeeping (the big amount just over holiday peak and because DD needs a bed). he keeps at least $200-$300 a week for fuel ($70 a week), smokes, snacks, porn, DVDs, booze, whatever. Housekeeping buys lunch supplies for DH and everything DD needs, pays rego on both cars, is saving for her school in the future, covers everything but his personal stuff (I even bake the bread which DD and I can't eat as we can't have wheat), and I have always handled budgeting for all bills and rent since we got together -- going on ten years now. we never had joint accounts because he is so bad with money (his preference as well because he likes to know I will pay the bills). I get the FTA and that goes mostly on household or DD stuff. With his last job I got FTB and some parenting (once I got him to give me the payslips Centrelink wanted, took nine months though), now with his income and my casual work it's just FTB and no parenting, so I'm a lot more dependent on his income.

I tell him exactly how much I earn and consult him about what I spend money on, not that he reckons he wants to know. I supported him for about five years before DD came along because he was 'writing'. he rarely consults me about major purchases (up to and including vehicles in the past).

I feel purty annoyed about it all, but maybe he is being fair and it is not any of my business what he earns or how he spends it? we are legally married, dunno if that makes a difference tho.

any feedback much appreciated,
:wave:
zooy

[Sheer Bliss]

If you were both happy with the situation, then i'd think it was fair. But if you aren't happy, then no way is it fair.

My sisters ex-DH used to have all 'his' money separate from her's and what she had to spend on the house and kids, she was scrimping and saving while he bought himself a dirt-bike with 'his' money (she was a SAHM mum too, only 'allowed' to work if she organised/paid for childcare) It wasn't fair, the kids suffered due to his selfishness.

Is there any way his pay could be directed to another account that you are in control of, and then you see what is there, and then you can divy up what HE gets rather than the other way around (i know not likely, but you might be able to convince him somehow....dunno how sorry mate). When Dh was working away (before kids) so we could save for a house, both our pays went into a joint account with no keycard access, and then i used internet transfers to give him his pocket money a week - he isn't good at controlling money, so was happy for that.

Good luck!!

[CaitlinArai22]

so you take care of housekeeping, cooking/baking, childcare, household finances, and he gets an extra 200 or 300$ per week because he goes to work and buys things like smokes booze and porn?

nup, doesnt seem fair to me!

and i cant believe with that much extra money, he'd feel the need to lie about a further 20 or 30 bucks - that seems wrong to me, but JMO.

My question would more be - WHY doesnt he like to tell you? what purpose does he have for hiding it? Seems a bit silly/funny to me...

I would be annoyed - but then me and dp have very strict rules about things being "ours" i hate the idea of yourmoney mymoney in serious relationships - we agreed to share our lives, so that is what we do! we share! we also have access to each others acount thru internet banking, which works well if we need to pay bills and have to get into the others account.

at the end of the day i'd say you both need to come to an agreement reguarding money that you BOTH feel is fair, and niether is being left out/going without. How to do this with a partner thats being dishonest re his pays.... i dont know.

I'd also be sitting DH down and letting him know what i thought of being lied to!! better he say "i dont want to tell you" then lie to my face!

[SimplyMum]

I agree with Caitlin, I HATE the idea of your money my money. I think you earn the money as a family!

My parents have your money my money type deal. I HATE it and think it's a horrible way to be married. My Mum buys purchases for the house, like a dishwasher. I think it should be a decision that both make and pay for.

Ideally, if and when I ever get the stage of being in a live together relationship (married or not), I would like all income be paid into the one account. Bills paid, savings taken out and an equal amount be given to each party for their own splurging and this will include lunches.

[nugglyboysmum]

I think your current situation is a recipe for disaster. Even if it doesn't bother you too much now, it will in the future. I think since you have a child together then everything should be shared out evenly. I am moving out from my DH tomorrow and a big part of that reason is moneya dn the way he controls me with it even tough he doesn't mean to or realise that he does. He is shocking with money, I will never trust him again with money, he has gotten us into trouble too many times.

I hope that you and DH can work out a fair way to deal with his income, i think he is being very selfish with it atm.

[2s'nuff]

:no: Doesn't sound too fair to me. I'd be having a chat and looking into creating a joint account where all your money goes to. If needed draw up a budget, giving him a allowance for the week and see how things go. He needs to be a bit more realistic when it comes to spending money.

:hugs::hugs:
Lisa

[mamajess]

Seems very unfair to me. I think if you share a home and a child, you share the income that provides for the home and the child. You're in it together!
How does the money making aspect outweigh the importance of home making aspect??
My DP and I have always just had 'our' money. Everything has been transparent since day one, when dp paid my parking fine because I had no money to pay for it. When we had our first surprise pregnancy and I had to stop work, he took on my personal loan debt without a blink.
Over the course of our relationship, he has generally worked and earned more than I have, but every purchase is discussed as a family unit.
If I was unhappy with the dynamic, I'd try to change it.
All the best, Jess

[ZooKeeper]

Thanks everyone, good to know I'm not being unreasonable. We've had every type of agreement under the sun, but DH has this strange thing where evn when it was his idea, he needs to rebel against it. as for joint accounts, he's honest enough to say that he'd just clean it out whenever he felt like it and buy whatever crud caught his fancy so that's just not an option. we have a tin, cash for housekeeping goes in (and Dh takes out money whenever he's run himself out). I have an account, it tops up what's needed over and above what's in the tin. he has an account, that's just his money whatever's left in after he takes out cash for home and cash for him.

rain -- gotta go and rescue washing
thanks again
:wave:
zooy

[sockstealingpoltergeist]

Completely unreasonable that he is living it up whilst you budget.

My husband and I work out all finances together, and he doesn't smoke, rarely drinks and would never even think of buying porn, let alone putting this type of thing before the wellbeing of his family.

I would be putting my foot down and tell him you both need to work out all of the money all of the time, if he lied to me he would be out the door. I just wouldn't be able to trust him.

I hope you get it sorted out.

[Pregnor]

Can you get internet access to this pay, and transfer it into your account the day he gets paid? If he is that bad with money, perhaps you could just give him $20 a day or something rather than a per week amount?

If it were me I would bank the housekeeping money so he couldn't get to it when he 'ran out'...

[ZooKeeper]

Completely unreasonable that he is living it up whilst you budget.

My husband and I work out all finances together, and he doesn't smoke, rarely drinks and would never even think of buying porn, let alone putting this type of thing before the wellbeing of his family.

I would be putting my foot down and tell him you both need to work out all of the money all of the time, if he lied to me he would be out the door. I just wouldn't be able to trust him.

I hope you get it sorted out.

The only thing that really stops me kicking his sorry butt out is knowing he would have to have access, unsupervised with our daughter. And as I've debriefed elsewhere on BH that is just too darn risky, he's careless, thoughtless, and has no ability to manage risk-taking behaviours around her. he'll leave knives, booze, lighters, poisons, porno, etc where she can get them, among her toys even. I clean up a lot. but none of that is enough to make a court stop unsupervised access, I know this because I have had a yarn with family services and law access line and beyond blue and lifeline and the women's info referral service about the situation. and of course I also can't trust that he'll have a home where the power, phone, water etc are in working order or there is enough food in the house.

I do feel love for the silly git (God help me) but I also know I look forward to the day DD is old enough that we can break this thing up. meanwhile, I'm just trying to get a handle on what reality should be like as my own family background was wayyyyy away from ideal.

thanks again everyone, it's all good ground to have under my feet. (and like the song says, these feet were made for walking.... once DD turns 12 or the line gets crossed in a way the law accepts).
:wave:
zooy
Ps and money isn't the only thing he lies about. and yes, I know I can't trust him. :banghead::thumbsdown::mad:

[fox_girl]

how old is your DD now??
I'd leave now and get her away from him. If he does all those things and is careless then he wont get custody or it would have to be supervised...
Does he have much to do with her now when you are together?