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View Full Version : Inlaws -am I as bad as they say I am.....Long.



jackieb76
26-05-2006, 09:37
I suppose I just really need to vent but I would be very interested what you all think about the situation that I currently find myself in.

My inlaws are making my and my DP's lives a living hell!

It all really started when my second daughter was born in February this year. Not long after she was born (around 3-4 weeks) my MIL and BIL decided that they were going to come visit one afternoon. At the time my DP was really unwell (with the flu, temps and aches) and he called them in the early afternoon and let them know that he was unwell and did not really feel like having visitors. They ignored his comments and said "We are coming over anyway we want to see the baby, you can just go to bed". Even though this annoyed us greatly we gave in to the fact that nothing that we would say would stop them coming. They turned up at 6.00pm right when I was cooking our dinner, trying to bath our girls and bf the baby. They sat on the lounge and held the baby (while she whinged cause she was hungry and tired) and kept telling DP to go to bed because he was obviuosly making them feel uncomfortable. Anyway to try and cut a long story short they stayed for a while then left (just as we were about to serve our dinner).

A couple of weeks went past and we hear nothing from MIL and end up finding out that she is annoyed with us because we didn't offer her and BIL dinner and that we were about to eat dinner around them. What I don't understand is she thinks that I am the rudest person on earth for not offering them dinner (I admit that maybe I should have at least said something) but how are they not rude for 1) Coming to our home when they were asked not to. 2) Exepcting a woman who has a new baby and sick partner to wait on her and her son.

This is not the only time that she is annoyed about. We went to pick up our daughters cat from the RSPCA one day and she invited herself along. We packed ourselves some lunches (for me DP & DD) as we did not think that we would be home for lunch and because I am bfing I tend to get peckish when out and we cannot afford to buy lunches so we always take them with us. MIL parked her car a little way from where we were going and we took her the rest of the way. Before we left to come home we decided to feed the baby and eat our sandwiches in the car. MIL is annoyed because we did not pack her a sandwich. For goodness sake, is she not responsible for feeding herself, since when am I reponsible for making sure she is fed, I have my own family to worry about.

Sorry that it is so long and it probably sounds petty to some people but I do not appreciate being labled a rude person because I do not wait hand and foot on DP family. I think that the problem is that they are from a big family and this is what is expected whereas I am from a small family where it is rude to just rock up at anyones house and expect to be fed.

It feels better to get it out, thanks for listening.

Jackie :(

bronny-jane
26-05-2006, 10:24
she should be able to feed herself, and when they came around to visit why didnt they help you with the cooking so you could feed bub. that was rude of them to come over univited at dinner time, dont worry about them. you have your hands full:D

mum33
26-05-2006, 10:28
you are not as bad as they are saying you are. and if i were in the situation u were in i would have done the same thing. my in-laws are as rude as yours and personally i'd be happy if they got that annoyed with me as it would mean i didnt have to go visit them. dont feel bad, you are just in your actions towards her. she is an adult and she carries on like a child. i just hope your dp doesnt think the sun shines out her a*se like my dp thinks about his parents.

Sarie
26-05-2006, 10:39
Don't worry about her, I have very similar problems.
When we brought DS2 home from hospital at 3days old they were on our doorstep with in 3 hours ( MIL, FIL, SIL SIL's boyfriend and daughter) they stayed with us from Friday night to Sunday and I had to cook and clean up after everyone. I also had to sit on the floor cause they were all on my couches and I didn't get to feed my new born as I was bottle feeding and my MIL and SIL took over.
Next bub will be different. We will be putting our foot down and I don't care if they get upset.

ButterflyKisses
26-05-2006, 10:43
I don't think you are a bad person - I just think their timing was a bit off.

maybe next time if it happens just say to them "we were about to sit down to eat dinner there's not enough for everyone so would you like something simple like some toasted sandwiches" and then just show her where everything is (if she doesn't already know) and tell her to help herself.

ButterflyKisses
26-05-2006, 10:47
Don't worry about her, I have very similar problems.
When we brought DS2 home from hospital at 3days old they were on our doorstep with in 3 hours ( MIL, FIL, SIL SIL's boyfriend and daughter) they stayed with us from Friday night to Sunday and I had to cook and clean up after everyone. I also had to sit on the floor cause they were all on my couches and I didn't get to feed my new born as I was bottle feeding and my MIL and SIL took over.
Next bub will be different. We will be putting our foot down and I don't care if they get upset.all I can say Sarie is that is just so bad. I can't believe people would do that.

My inlaws are saints compared to what I read in these posts. They never ever come unannounced and usually our visits to each other is made a couple of days in advance and we only live 25 mins apart. We're always fairly busy and they are too as my MIL breeds and races greyhounds so they are not always at home anyway so we always give each other plenty of notice plus I always like to make sure the house is nice and tidy before they get here.

Sarie
26-05-2006, 10:54
I actually stood my ground with my SIL over Christmas and haven't seen her since, I also haven't gone to visit my MIL and FIL at there house either as my SIL is always there and I'm not willing to put myself into that position. My DH is actually very supportive he was the one that said at Christmas that we won't be going back there for awhile and I have no problems with my MIL and FIL coming here, but it is under my terms.
Depending on where we are when bubs is born (mind you I'm still not preggie yet) we won't be having any family come and stay with us, it's just not fair on us as a family unit and I have been walked over for far too long.

~Emmylou~
26-05-2006, 11:27
Wow you are not rude at all. Your MIL and BIL are rude beyond belief.

You handled the arriving at dinner time with sick hubby and hungry baby better than I would have. I would have thrown them out and then probably not been spoken to for six months LOL.
Some people!!!

jackieb76
26-05-2006, 13:13
Thanks ladies for your responses.

It feels better to know that most of you would have done the same thing in my position. I don't even want to get started with the SIL and how she has been behaving towards us.

I suppose that I just need to accept that this is what these people are like and nothing that I do or say will change that. They are the ones with the problems and not me.

Thanks again, it is good to know that other women on bubhub know exactly what I am going through. It just makes me absolutely determined not to be the 'mother in law from hell' when my children are adults, they truely are a breed of their own.

ButterflyKisses
26-05-2006, 14:54
I actually stood my ground with my SIL over Christmas and haven't seen her since, I also haven't gone to visit my MIL and FIL at there house either as my SIL is always there and I'm not willing to put myself into that position. My DH is actually very supportive he was the one that said at Christmas that we won't be going back there for awhile and I have no problems with my MIL and FIL coming here, but it is under my terms.
Depending on where we are when bubs is born (mind you I'm still not preggie yet) we won't be having any family come and stay with us, it's just not fair on us as a family unit and I have been walked over for far too long.yes it's amazing how people can impose on other people without a second thought as to whether they are intruding or putting other people out - they just seem to expect being catered to all the time - good on you for standing your ground.

Jackson84
26-05-2006, 15:05
for the first three months that DS was alive, i posted a sign on our front door saying "do not knock as the door will NOT be opened". people only got in if they called in advance and arranged a time, and i would only let family visit. i told my friends that they had to wait, and they all understood. mind you, we didnt start having problems with the ILs untill Ds was almost 1...

Mischief
31-05-2006, 12:22
I dont think you are bad at all! You are tired and stressed and they should 1-respect your need for privacy 2-respect you are tired and not expect you to pander to them!

Chin up and hugs to you!

Daddy2Angels
31-05-2006, 12:41
With my family they know the score if they are invited by me and DP for dinner then they can expect food any other time... NO WAY NO HOW! Over the past couple of months I have cooked a few roasts (Roast Pork slow cooked for 7 hours, Potatoes, Pumpkin, Onions, Mint Peas, Gravey and Apple Sauce) basically all the trimmings any other time they can fend for themselves... If they do not like me and DP share the same view... Don't come over... :yes:

jackieb76
31-05-2006, 16:20
With my family they know the score if they are invited by me and DP for dinner then they can expect food any other time... NO WAY NO HOW! Over the past couple of months I have cooked a few roasts (Roast Pork slow cooked for 7 hours, Potatoes, Pumpkin, Onions, Mint Peas, Gravey and Apple Sauce) basically all the trimmings any other time they can fend for themselves... If they do not like me and DP share the same view... Don't come over... :yes:

This makes perfect sense to me.

I may be wrong in my thinking but in some way I think that coming over to someones house (be that family or not) and expecting to be fed is in some way bludging and I feel that this is rude. However, they see it as that they are family and they should be able to come over whenever they like and if that happens to be when a meal is due then they expect to be offered that meal.

Thanks for your responses.

cheezelkat
31-05-2006, 16:41
My inlaws werent as bad, but weren't great either. They turned up on the day I gave birth at dinner time and stayed for ages...and brought along friends and all that. I didn't really feel like seeing anyone! I was having issues breastfeeding and wasn't comfortable feeding Liam in front of FIL but had no choice.

2 days later they invited themselves over for dinner just to see the baby! I was tired, cranky and sore and did nothing to look after them. I thought they should have backed off a bit. Since then, we've had to drive to see them most weekends and had no time to ourselves.

Milliner
08-06-2006, 10:43
OMG! Your not rude, they are not thinking of you at all!!! I had the same prob a few days after I got home from hosp DP Grandma and his aunt wanted to come over for a visit, it was 40 deg that day. I was like can you make it another day!!! People jsut don't think about the mum sometimes and all they want to do is see the baby it feels like they don't care about you!!!!