I think I have some serious issues...(long!!)

[faroutbrusselsprout]

.....toward my step son
and I am worried it may cause tension between DH and I.
Dh and I are trying to make 2009 a really positive year for us.
I am not feeling so consumed with grief for matilda and we are tackling DH's childhood issues and health etc.
However, I can't seem to get past some very intense feelings I have toward my 11 yr old step son.
In brief...Dh met a girl when he was 20, had sex, 6 weeks later she was pregnant...
Stayed with her as he thought that was the "right" thing to do but was a terrible partner and father for 5 years (they got married when their baby was 1-2 yrs old)
I met him when they had been seperated for about 2 years but it was very amicable and they had alot of civil contact (which stopped when I came on the scene)
My DS was 1 when we met, DH and I clicked and he just fell into the role of father and partner to me and DS, something which he was READY for at the stage of his life, we were engaged a year later, pregnant and married a year after that and now pregnant again and been married a year.
His ex and I hate each other with a passion:banghead: it has been a very complicated, angry 3 1/2 years between us and I won't bother going into all that.
Let's just say she and I are WORLDS apart in EVERY way possible....
Anyway about 6 months ago, I wrote a letter to my best friend expressing my anger toward the EX and my step son, who we will call "K"
I thought that it would help cleanse some of my anger, but unfortunately it hasn't and I still feel almost everything I wrote previously...


v\:* { BEHAVIOR: url(#default#VML) } o\:* { BEHAVIOR: url(#default#VML) } w\:* { BEHAVIOR: url(#default#VML) } .shape { BEHAVIOR: url(#default#VML) } God, I'd love to feel normal, no depression, anxiety, stress, irrational thoughts.
D says he wakes up every day and wonders what sort of mood I'm in. There's tension between us.
I'm either moody, tired, stressed, angry or any other wonderful negative emotion.
I know I love him and we are fine, it's everything else around us. I wish we could escape to a desert island with just Noah and live happily ever after. I hate all the external things going on around us at the moment, I can't seem to cope with it all.
I have confessed tonight that my feelings toward K are much deeper than I ever knew. We got into a heated discussion and I physically felt the ball of anger and hate inside me, toward the ENTIRE Ex and K situation.
It's gotten really bad and D's had enough of it. He is no longer going to parent in a way that is revolved around my emotions towards K.
D says it's like he cheated on me with (the ex) and she had K, and I agreee 100%. It's those intense jealousy emotions that is clouding everything
It's getting worse, not better. I am so angry when we have to talk about him, arrange anything to do with him.
How DARE you have a baby with MY D! How DARE you interrupt my perfect family every 2nd weekend (and half the school holidays!)
HOW DARE you be biologically related to D, when Noah's not.
HOW DARE you have sex with my husband! (even though he never knew me!)
HOW DARE you have a bond with him that will last for the rest of your lives.
HOW DARE you be a priority in his life.
HOW DARE you take his time away from me and Noah. HOW DARE you be so frustrating.
HOW DARE D loves you as much as me and Noah. HOW DARE my hard earned money goes toward petrol to see you.
HOW DARE we have to pay money each month, when we sometimes struggle.
HOW DARE you two even exist.
I think I need to see someone about it.
It was so emotional writing this out but I'm glad I did. I need to own up to these feelings and start dealing with them. It can't go on like this. I don't love K and I know I never will, but I have to get over these intense feelings. If I really loved D I would make this work and I'm not at the moment.
I need to be totally selfless (which I'm not AT ALL) and put him before me and think about how he must be feeling.
If D was like this to Noah I never would have married him.I am so lucky they have the relationship they do. I owe it to D to move on from here and start coming to terms with this sub-consicious anger.
It's eaten me and it's going to start eating everyone else if I'm not careful.I can't work out why it's gotten so bad, I know I never felt this bad previously. Maybe it's my resentment that I don't have our baby in my arms and there's this annoying, fussy eating, dumb 11 year old that is going to make no difference in this world wandering around with his stupid bogan f&*%$ up mum in tow.
Goodness, I am even angry at her that she is consuming this much of my energy hating her and being angry toward her. It's such a viscious circle.
I need a cigarette.


Ok, so six months on,, I'm at a loss at what to do.
I have no connection with this child and I wish he didn't exist...terrible I know.
Has anyone else felt this strongly and had this much resentment toward their step child?
Did councilling help??

Thanks
and congratulations for getting this far! It was a looooong post!

[Loopy Linda]

that is tough.

you can see the rational side of your dh made the effort for your child and you should do the same for his, but you just can't.

could it jsut be that you lost matilda and maybe when you do have you and dh baby in your arms you won't feel so much jealousy?

i am sorry but i really feel sorry for your step son. what happens when he comes over? does he know ho you feel?

i think you should do counselling. you need to try it and make you family work. K is part of your family and unfortunately his mother will always be around too. you need to be able to deal with this.

big hugs and i wish you the best of luck. it is a good thing that you can recognise all your feelings and know you need to deal with it.

[NibbleCurlynBub]

I don't honestly (not to be rude at all, I'm being genuine) see why you have to deal with his ex at all. You shouldn't HAVE to talk to her or see her. :no:

Genuine :confused:

Other than that... PM me if you have trouble connecting to someone here. I know how you feel. :hugs:

[delirium]

:hugs: You're in a hard position. But I really think you need to think about things from your SS's POV. He didn't ask to be born, he didn't ask for his parents to break up and his dad meet someone else who he has another family with. I may be way off, but I think the real issue lies with your partner's ex. You may be projecting your feelings of jealousy and distain that you feel for his ex, onto the child.

I don't have a step child, but if I did I suspect I could never love them like my bio kids, so I get that. But the poor kid is probably picking up the vibes that you dislike him.

I hope you find some resolution :hugs:

[Mathermy]

I think you should see someone immediately. having such anger and resentment towards a child is not only irrational and cruel, it is unhealthy.

Please consider getting help :(

[JabberJaw]

My honest opinion would be for you to talk to a councilor.

The Step child really is at no fault. If you expect your husband to take on the father role for your child from your previous relationship, then i think you should do the same for his child.

I dont mean to sound harsh but your fears seem irrational to me. It is fine not to like the ex, but it seems the ex and your step child are consuming your life, and it shouldn't.

Definitely speak to someone as this situation may have a devastating effect on your relationship.

:hugs::hugs::hugs:

[HunterzMummy]

aww sweet heart... I can relate to EVERYTHING you said :hugs:

And its really hard for people who are not going through it or haven't been through it to understand becasue it is just a mess of emotion. It may not make sense to them but to us it is consuming, heart breaking, life shattering and really just undescribable :gloomy:

I am in counselling (as is DH) atm and it is great. Pls PM me so we can talk in depth about it and i can share some things with you that i dont really wanna share on a public forum lol :p

But just know i know what you are going through. I hope you can find some peace :hugs:

[faroutbrusselsprout]

Thanks for the replies..
I am actually feeling a little raw and vunerable after posting such an honest account of my feelings. I didn't realise how brutal it may sound to some...
Please don't think I am some crazy evil step mother...just someone trying to come to terms with some very deep seated issues regarding my current situation.
In answer to a few of your questions..
His ex and I don't have any contact anymore, that ended almost 2 years ago in an explosive phone call and she has since refused to ever speak to me again, which is fine with me.
I don't know that K picks up on the intensity of my feelings, he knows I get very frustrated with when he revs up DS etc. But I also try and keep my feelings to myself and I do take care of both him and DS.
We have no physical contact (no kisses/cuddles etc) and I feel very uncomfortable being alone with him for various reasons.
He doesn't express himself very well and we are never sure what he's thinking.
He gets parented very differently here and at home and my adn DH's parenting style is a mirror image of his mothers so I can imagine it must be hard for him.
However I'm not sure I should feel I have to be the same with him as DH is with my DS.
Me meeting a 7 year old and then seeing him twice a month is very different from DH meeting a 1 yr old and being in a very constant and close relationship with him for over 3 years.
DH and DS's relationship defies anything biological and DH can honestly say he loves them both equally, his also sees his bond with my DS is stronger than with his own son, purely because of the type of father he is now...
He would never expect me to bond and love K the way he loves our son now...
If you haven't been in the situation before it can be hard to understand.
It's why adoption works, people can love other peoples children just as much as their own..

I think alot of this is stemming from my feelings toward his ex.
It's like my frustration toward K is an outlet of my pure distain toward the ex. However it is all very irrational and damaging to everyone involved and I need to know why i can't move on from these feelings.
Thanks again everyone who replied and managed to read my post. I hope you can see that I am just trying to figure things out, I'm not a horrible person....

[SuperGranny]

hi beachmum, I have read the post, and I feel you have reached a point where you know the problem but just not found the way out yet. All I can suggest is that you have to try to remove all thoughts of the ex, just get her out of the picture as far as you possibly can. Look at your stepson, as a total individual, with no mother other then you. Im not sure how to do this, but I think it might help. Let go of all the negative, all the hurt, start to pretend you have just met your stepson, and all the rubbish that has passed before is over and gone. Even treat each time you have your stepson as the first time you have met. I think if you really focus on the good times, and the good relationship you have with your family, the feelings might not have an effect on the now.

[Looshkin]

I am really concerned that was what you wrote 6 months ago and you still feel that way - what a horrible way to feel for 6 months, for you, your son, your step son and your dh.

I'm sorry I feel horribly sorry for your step son. It has hit a nerve with me as I had a step mom I knew hated me, she was pregnant with twins when I was 8 and I was smart enough to get that I wasn't part of her family and feel her seething hatred towards me like I was just some big inconvenience and seriously have strong memories of this, overhearing arguments with them and if you imagined if your own son had visitation with his biological father that had a partner that felt that way towards your son how would you feel?

Please get yourself more help with this , get a support network you can rely on because this is obviously damaging many relationships as well as an innocent child that did nothing other than be born.

[greengables]

I feel sorry for the little 7 year old boy whose father has married someone else...

if u think of his perspective it is very different....

I think you need counselling as you're acting out of understandably very painful grief from losing your child