DNA testing and Birth Certificates

[Bountiful]

Hi all,

I'm a new member to the forum but not new to the sole parenting caper. I've been a sole parent since the beginning of my pregnancy - my DSs father and I were in a relationship of sorts, however he also had a fiance :banghead:

Fast forward almost 3years and my DS and I have moved interstate (DS father lives in Tasmania) and have started a new chapter in our lives. However, I have always felt strongly about trying to involve DSs father in his life.

The dilemma now comes from DSs father seeming reluctance to accept that he has another son (he has an almost 3yr old son and 1yr old daughter to his fiance). He was denying having fathered my son when I told him I was pregnant by telling me that he was infertile but that obviously isn't true! He and I tried to maintain a friendship during the latter stages of my pregnancy, however he was wanting more and I resisted, later on finding that he was still living with his fiance and had thus been lying to me the whole time. I then cut him out of our lives, which has given him the perfect excuse to deny parentage - he has emailed me a number of times stating that if he really thought DS was his would he have 'let' me leave the state etc. etc.

I have sent photos, Christmas cards, birthday cards and also sent photos to his parents. Some items were returned to me, some items have been kept (or thrown away, I don't know). He is wanting to know about our child, that much is obvious by his reading my weblog (although trying to disguise his tracks by pretending to be his relatives) and his reaction to his sister contacting me out of the blue earlier this year wanting to know about her nephew.

I have talked things through with my mother and I am seriously considering getting a DNA test done so that I can once and for all put the slander and the slights against my family to rest. I also want my son to know his father and his fathers family, which will never happen whilst DSs father believes that he can 'hide' behind his new family and his not being on the birth certificate.

What I am hoping to find out is how I go about getting DNA testing done? Being that he isn't on the birth certificate I don't think I can do it through CSA can I? Does that mean I have to contact Legal Aid to start proceedings? We live in different states and haven't spoken in over 3years, I don't even have his contact number anymore. Is a court ordered DNA test needing to be done with both of us being present in the courtroom? I can't afford to fly to Tasmania and I'm sure that he won't fly up here.

Also, if anyone knows ... when the DNA test is done and the results come back, am I obligated to have DSs father added to the birth certificate or can I leave things as they are? I am also worried that he may try and get us moved back to Tasmania for visitation (to make it easier on him and so he is in control), but I have University studies I am starting here come March and I really like my life up here, my parents are here and I have established myself.

This is all very long-winded and complicated and very Days of Our Lives sounding I know, but I am simply wanting my DS to have a chance to exercise his right to know the rest of his extended family. It's not his fault that his father is too cowardly to take the first step. It's not my fault either but I refuse to be held hostage by his behaviour any longer.

Any information you could pass on would be much appreciated :)

[pegasaurus]

Good for you for doing so well on your own.

Hopefully legal aid can answer your questions re. birth certificates etc. The only question of yours I am familiar with is DNA testing - apparently there is a policy not to test both parents at the same time in the same place, even if things are amicable. So it would be done at the genetic testing lab separately (and possibly in your own towns - not sure on this).

I'd be surprised if as primary carer, your ex would have any chance of insisting that you move. But by going down this route you may be relinquishing rights to precious days such as Christmas and birthdays.

Also, I suggest that you get your son a passport before you go through with this, as when your ex is confirmed as father, he will have to agree to the passport.

I think your desire to involve your son's father is very noble, but be careful as it may bring you a lot of heartbreak. A DNA test will not make the family love your son and it sounds like that is what you really want (and bravo to you for that).

[Amara]

I don't know about the legal side of things but it doesn't sound like he has any intention of getting to know your child. Why go through all of this if the result is going to be exactly the same? He's not likely to suddenly change his mind on it because a piece of paper says the child is his. I'd just leave it up to him to make contact if & when & if he's ready.

[Bountiful]

Thanks Pegasaurus for your help - it's much appreciated!

I don't know whether we'll ever travel overseas but I will certainly get DS a passport just in case .. hopefully I can get enough money together after the New Year (I have to purchase textbooks for University too so that takes top priority for the moment :laughing:).

As for my wanting DS fathers family to love him .. I know that they're interested and curious about him - that much is clear from DS aunty making contact completely without any prompting from me. Unfortunately, DS father threw such a tantrum when he found out that his sister and I were emailing each other that they are no longer able to keep in touch with me. I understand their position, although I don't think they should bend to DS fathers demands to stop contacting me.

I feel in my heart that there is love there for my DS, it's just unable to be expressed because of cowardice and pride on his fathers part (and I'm sure his fiance has had a say in all this too :shame:). As for DS grandparents and aunty, I think that once there is absolute proof that DS is their grandson/nephew that they will want to be involved in his life to some degree.

All I know and care about is that my child be given a chance to know them. I'm not in it for the money (I'd much prefer to not get anything from DS father). They're missing out on so much - my child is the sweetest, most loving and affectionate little boy, and I want them to experience that for themselves. It will change their lives, like it has mine :)

[Pax]

stace, my son's bio dad left me and him when he was 10 months old and i tried to contact his fathers family only to be met with absolute rudeness and suspicion. they dont want anything to do with him at all, because they dont trust my baby's father.

its very sad for him but he is now 11 and accepts this situation and i remind him when he is ready and older we will go together to track down his natural family for him to meet them. but only when he doesnt need their approval.. just for the curiosity.

i look at it as this is my son's challenge in life, we all have one. its something for him to learn from and overcome the adversity of. I encourage him to celebrate the adversity as an opportunity to be better than they are.

plus the future holds many interesting things. i met a man that he calls dad. so may you.

[*Cj*]

Do you get full money from centrelink? If so I would be looking into what would happen if you had DNA done. Will they make you go to CSA to get back pay from DS dad. Will you then have a big Debt to pay to centrelink. It could end up costing you a lot of money when it comes to centrelink. I would be very worryed about that side of it too.

Good luck

[Sammy76]

My sons father is not involved in his sons life, but his parents are and so is the fathers brother and sister (so ie sons aunty and uncle).

They never knew about their grandson until a year ago, and after saying to my sons father that he needs to let them know, or i would, he told them they had a grandson.

I have no regrets at all, because I always knew that my son deserved the grandparents love on BOTH side, if they wanted to be a part of his life. He has my parents, and they love him so much, and whilst i didn't know my sons other grandparents, i felt that they had a right to know about my son.

So whilst it hasn't been an easy road, they are pretty involved in their grandsons life (they live in another state tho) and i know that even though they show love differently, they do love him. I can see just how much my son enjoys spending time with them, so I have no regrets especially thinking about that.

Also my sons aunty and uncle absolutely love my son, and my son has a very good relationship with his new cousins who are the same age. They too, never knew about my son until a year ago, but love him heaps, and i feel very fortunate to have them in my sons life.

Anyway, good luck, it can't be easy with the decisions you have to make, but i hope it works out well for you.