castlemum
24-05-2006, 13:46
So I'm after some advice, or reassurance or something, I'm not sure.
Basically, as the title says, I just am so confused with how to connect with DS. He's 7 in July and the older he gets, the less we have to do with each other. He's a quiet and sensitive child and has always been one to interact with himself better than anything, although he and his sister get on so well which is good. But I just have no idea! We weren't close from birth and then when I left DH back when DS was almost 3, it made a huge difference. When I came back, we were really close, and he was a lot more involved with me. Since then it has just slowly disappeared again.
I just haven't got a clue how to relate to a little boy. I was raised basically from age 4 by my mother, and for the majority of that time it was she and I, and that was it. So I haven't been around male children. I can relate to adult males, lol, I have many male friends, but I just feel the lack of parental connection with DS. His birth was the one I had PND with which added to everything initially but now I just don't know...I just don't know!
We rarely have conversation, usually he either gets sidetracked, stops listening, doesn't offer anything back or carries on in ways that just annoy me (rolling eyes, grunting like it's an inconvenience - and no I don't just take it when he does that). DH is actually having as much trouble as I am in some ways, both of us are getting a bit stressed about dealing with him. Dh though more sees himself in DS and that brings back less than ideal memories, although DS is more confident and outspoken than DH was.
Anyway compare this to my DD, who I get on brilliantly with! We are so close, we do things together, talk HEAPS, she wants to be with me 'everywhere I go' and asks on a daily basis, lol, we can cuddle and talk and kiss and laugh and do heaps together and I feel really tightly bonded to her. I can relate to her. She is also very different to DS and both DH and I find it easier to have something to do with her, as in she is a lot more upfront about wanting cuddles or time or conversation, and will get it from either of us, even if DH feels a bit out of his depth with a girl, having only had brothers, she runs the relationship so it still exists.
I start wondering if maybe I am favouring her but I also know that I didn't have PND with her, I had a better birth experience with her, I was more confident a parent with her and we were always bonded in that way, and DS and I missed out on that. They are also very different kids and she makes it easy by demanding the attention. And then I feel guilty that DS doesn't have that with me.
I find myself more protective of her than I was of him, more concerned about what ifs with her, more emotionally involved in her life and how she is - I don't know, I feel like she and I have a 'normal' good close relationship. It is only highlighted by the lack of that with DS.
Sometimes I just feel so incapable that I think about what it would be like to just have DD. That of course leads me to guilts for ages about it and feeling horrid for DS, and never wanting him to know I thought about things like that. I don't want to disappoint him, I don't want to damage him, I don't want to hurt him - I want him to have the close family I don't, and I want him to feel secure here, and I can't help but worry that he sees DD and I and feels left out, or that he sees it as me loving her more or wanting her more, instead of just me being unable to relate to him or find any common ground.
When I try to do something, he's just so uninterested in me, and so I try to have him and DH get close but he's similarly disinterested. I just feel like DS and I are on different planets. and I write it all out here because I'm terrified it'll cause bigger problems later, and I just don't know how to fix this!!!!
Basically, as the title says, I just am so confused with how to connect with DS. He's 7 in July and the older he gets, the less we have to do with each other. He's a quiet and sensitive child and has always been one to interact with himself better than anything, although he and his sister get on so well which is good. But I just have no idea! We weren't close from birth and then when I left DH back when DS was almost 3, it made a huge difference. When I came back, we were really close, and he was a lot more involved with me. Since then it has just slowly disappeared again.
I just haven't got a clue how to relate to a little boy. I was raised basically from age 4 by my mother, and for the majority of that time it was she and I, and that was it. So I haven't been around male children. I can relate to adult males, lol, I have many male friends, but I just feel the lack of parental connection with DS. His birth was the one I had PND with which added to everything initially but now I just don't know...I just don't know!
We rarely have conversation, usually he either gets sidetracked, stops listening, doesn't offer anything back or carries on in ways that just annoy me (rolling eyes, grunting like it's an inconvenience - and no I don't just take it when he does that). DH is actually having as much trouble as I am in some ways, both of us are getting a bit stressed about dealing with him. Dh though more sees himself in DS and that brings back less than ideal memories, although DS is more confident and outspoken than DH was.
Anyway compare this to my DD, who I get on brilliantly with! We are so close, we do things together, talk HEAPS, she wants to be with me 'everywhere I go' and asks on a daily basis, lol, we can cuddle and talk and kiss and laugh and do heaps together and I feel really tightly bonded to her. I can relate to her. She is also very different to DS and both DH and I find it easier to have something to do with her, as in she is a lot more upfront about wanting cuddles or time or conversation, and will get it from either of us, even if DH feels a bit out of his depth with a girl, having only had brothers, she runs the relationship so it still exists.
I start wondering if maybe I am favouring her but I also know that I didn't have PND with her, I had a better birth experience with her, I was more confident a parent with her and we were always bonded in that way, and DS and I missed out on that. They are also very different kids and she makes it easy by demanding the attention. And then I feel guilty that DS doesn't have that with me.
I find myself more protective of her than I was of him, more concerned about what ifs with her, more emotionally involved in her life and how she is - I don't know, I feel like she and I have a 'normal' good close relationship. It is only highlighted by the lack of that with DS.
Sometimes I just feel so incapable that I think about what it would be like to just have DD. That of course leads me to guilts for ages about it and feeling horrid for DS, and never wanting him to know I thought about things like that. I don't want to disappoint him, I don't want to damage him, I don't want to hurt him - I want him to have the close family I don't, and I want him to feel secure here, and I can't help but worry that he sees DD and I and feels left out, or that he sees it as me loving her more or wanting her more, instead of just me being unable to relate to him or find any common ground.
When I try to do something, he's just so uninterested in me, and so I try to have him and DH get close but he's similarly disinterested. I just feel like DS and I are on different planets. and I write it all out here because I'm terrified it'll cause bigger problems later, and I just don't know how to fix this!!!!