Am i being too fussy?

[emma26]

Am i being too fussy about people wanting to constantly hold my 7 week old DS?..

Ever since he was born my DH's family have been over DS like a bad rash (this is the first grandchild and i know i should'nt be complaining).
My MIL was a pest at first, constantly visiting everyday, but this has slowed down alot now and i'm finding her EXTREMELY helpful with everything.
My SIL (the wife of DH's brother) is really p!$$ing me off BIG TIME.
She constantly used too ask ALL THE TIME if she could hold DS. There was 1 time in particular where i was settling DS after his feed and she asked 3 times in a matter of 20 minutes to hold him - all 3 times i said "no" but do you think she quit asking???... NOPE. So DH's brother complained to his parents about this :rolleyes: and my MIL mentioned to DH that all they wanted to do is hold and cuddle the baby and we should stop being silly ...... ummm "hello" .... my baby is not a rag doll!!!!..

Another time - DS had just gone down in his cot, 20 minutes later BIL and his wife showed up, walked straight into DS's room, stood over his cot talking away and woke him up. They took him out of his cot and they both held him by passing him back and forth to each other for almost 2 hours straight - during this time DS is grizzly. Towards the end i was getting so mad because it's not fair, as they can just leave and not have to deal with DS and trying to settle him AGAIN, so i asked DH to take him, but DH got told by his SIL and brother "no" :rolleyes::(:devil6::mad:.
Once again, we were the bad ones and got told by MIL for making such a fuss over it...

It's now got to the point where my SIL and BIL don't even ask to hold him, they just take him out of the pram, cot, playmat and hold him. My SIL took him out of his pram the other day and was even passing him around to all their friends without even asking if it was ok (people i did'nt even know).
I'm getting so fed up because they seem to always want to disturb him when he's happy and content and then make him all grizzly. However i'm not aloud to say anything because i'm the 1 that is being rude if i ask for them to not pick him up (according to them anyway) and it's at the point where i don't even say no to my BIL and SIL, i just let them do it because im too scared to say so.

I feel like they seem to feel they have the same amount of right to DS as DH and i have, and they act like they are my DS's parents.

Im sooooooo fed up with them..

[Bunnyhugs]

and it's at the point where i don't even say no to my BIL and SIL, i just let them do it because im too scared to say so.



K - right here is where I see the BIG problem. You're his mum, if you and DH don't stand up for him no one will.

If you're worried about upsetting the in-laws, perhaps you could try shutting bubs' bedroom door when they're around - you have a baby monitor don't you? If the door is closed and they want to go in, say 'We're trying a new settling routine and it will really disturb him if you go in. Please wait til he's awake'. If they push the point, you can too. And hey, you know what? Pull out the 'hormonal new mother' card and go ballistic at them if you need to.

Bottom line - your son, your rules. Stick to your guns and speak to DH about it, make sure he knows that he needs to back you up on this.

Good luck :hugs:

[NibbleCurlynBub]

:yes: Your son, your rules.

Its called parenting and it turns out it is a GOOD thing. :p

Go with your instincts. Perhaps think about getting a carrier so bub is literally tied to you. They may very well ask less then. :)

and if he is asleep.. Well feel free to say that since he is sleeping, nobody will be disturbing him. She would hate it if someone wandered in while she was asleep, extend the same courtesy to bub.

[beaniebabez]

Your baby your rules..
If they dont listen then so be it.
Lay your rules down..Dont be scared,hes your child and not theres..Good luck!

[SuperGranny]

hi, I had inlaw family that would have done this from the start but I didnt let it get started. I breastfed, so if the bub was awake I was feeding , when bub was finished bub was asleep and I just put him/her to bed. I would never let anyone pick up a sleeping baby. They could look, but not touch. Once the baby was older and not so much asleep then I would pick the baby up and hand it to Nanna, but if I felt there was too much handling going on I would take the baby back. You have to put your foot down if this is annoying you. Either ask the people to ring before they come over so they are not going to disturb a sleep time. Or if they come unannounced,/ uninvited then just dont let them into the bubs room. Say I,m sorry but the last time little one was woken up I had the devil of a job to get him settled again. If you upset anyone then so be it, you have rights too, and your baby is the most important.

[Skittles]

I understand where u are coming from. I am one of six kids. And the only one with children. So DD got passed around like a cold. Was driving me insane becasue she would be so unsettled and then she learnt to only go to sleep being rocked and cuddled. Stand up for yourself. Make a rule if the baby is sleeping nobody goes into him but yourself or DH. They will be grumpy. Thats a given. But try explain how it is making htings difficult. And if that doesnt work i agree with Tasma. Go bonkers. They need to understand he is a baby. not a toy. If they insist on cuddling him all teh time buy them a dolly. :P

[MooMum]

I had this concern, not quite as intense as your family though.

You are DS's MOTHER, you say what goes. You have to deal with him when he is cranky from being passed around. Most of all NO-ONE has the right to pick up your child without your permission, that they are doing this makes my head explode! He is not a doll or a novelty toy to be passed around.

Feel no guilt at saying no, if you don't protect your little one who will? They are adults who should understand. Politely explain that you have had enough and as his mother you know what is best for your child. I'd also be asking DH to step up and say no also.

Good luck and be strong.

[MothersMilk]

I have have relatives who sometimes get a bit over the top with wanting to hold the baby etc. I just say something along the lines of "Baby is really unsettled today and needs space".
I know how annoying it can be but you are the parent and you need to stand your ground. Entering the babies room without your permission and passing him around like a doll is not on - tell them politely not to enter the babies room as he is sleeping and will very hard to settle if disrupted - if they don't respect that then get more assertive and push the point.
You are not being too fussy!
You're the boss :thumbsup:

[ladybugblue84]

You are sooo not being fussy & your complaints are completely justified. You are the parents you say what happens with your bub.

I was sorta in your position not too long ago in that I lived with my inlaws & from the moment I bought her home from hospital they had their time with her everyday. People dropped over all of the time & we couldn't say anything about it 'cause it wasn't our place. I hated sharing my newborn baby. One time when she was like 7-8 weeks old the in-laws asked if they could take her away from me on a trip but I just couldn't hack it 'cause it made me feel like they think that she doesn't even need me anymore & I was still breastfeeding! Needless to say I didn't let her go. Another time when she was crying uncontrollably they came down & tried to seattle her for me & I am like FFS I am the mum I will seattle her thanks & I just snatched her away & went into my room. I was/am polite most of the time but sometimes I just snapped!

You need to show your authority & seriously let them have it if they undermind it!

:hugs: from someone who has been there!

[missmilliesmum]

When My SIL had her first bub - noone but them held him for the first 3 months. While I thought this was a bit OTT at the time - I respected their wishes, as he was their bub, and enjoyed the cuddles with my nephew when they felt he was ready.

Now that I have a baby myself, I can understand why they felt this way. People can be invasive of your's and your bubs space without realising it.

It is a tough situation you are in, as they are your in-laws and it can be very hard to stand your ground.

My advice is to make sure DH is on side with you and BOTH explain to your in-laws how you are feeling and stick to your guns!

YOU and DH are your Son's parents and YOU make the rules and tough luck to anyone who doesn't like them.

We have a system going that when DD is sleeping her blind in her room is down and the door is shut.
So when family visit, they can see the blind is shut when they pull up and know that bub is sleeping, or the door is shut, when they come inside, which means noone enters the room until she wakes up! It seems to work.

Hope it all works out for you! :yes:

[MUMSIEOF2]

Hi, I went through Similar Circumstances, SIL & MIL why are they so Controlling. Arrgghhh!! I was Lucky because we moved interstate, but that didnt fix problems as they kept talking about coming over, I used to get bad anxiety at the thought of them coming in a taking over, I went to a counsellor and the main thing she touched on was That I had to be really assertive with them both and just tell them how it was, and the other thing she said was my DH must back me all the way, otherwise it wouldn't work, we have now told them how uncomfortable they made me, and I feel so much better. good luck there is nothing more horrible then someone else trying to settle your baby especially when you are still getting to know them...:)

[xkwzit]

You are not being too fussy. If ppl picked up my children out of their cot w/o asking me, I would be very angry too.

If they can't act appropriately, don't invite them over. If they come uninvited, don't let them in the door.

Your son is not there for their amusement. If they want to hold a baby that much, they should make their own :D.

[Mathermy]

Your bub must be very special to have so many people that love him so much that they want to be close to him all the time :goodvibes:

[Stretchmark Diva]

I heard somewhere that it is actually really stressful to a newborn to be passed around like a football. Don't allow it. Say to them - NO ONE picks up my baby without asking. No one wakes him, no one goes into his room when he is asleep. It is not fair to the baby to be constantly disrupted just because a grownup wants to "play" with him. And make it clear there is a consequence. The next time SIL picks him up without asking, calmly take him back and LEAVE. Or if they are at your home, take him back, hand her her bag and say "I'm sorry you couldn't respect my wishes in my own home as the mother of this child. Goodbye." and show her to the door.

It isn't just about people giving a baby "too much love" it's about them undermining you as a mother and showing you they will do whatever they like with your child. Today it's picking him up when he's asleep; next it will be feeding him solids before you are ready or giving him allergens before he is 12 months old. You will never get this special time back; don't let them ruin it for you.

Nip it in the bud, NOW. Find your inner Mama Bear and go into full on temper tantrum if you have to. You are your baby's advocate. He doesn't need ANYONE except his parents. Bonding with extended family can happen later.

Good luck.

[pennylane]

i know exactly how you feel!

You might want to consider explaining to them that its actualy advised by...just about every peadiatrician and neonatoligist to minimise handling of a newborn unless for feeding,changing and bathing or specific bonding with the parents for the first few months as it can over-exert them causing them to have to use more energy which can cause weight loss or hinder weight gain.

Thats why most mums dont get to hold their prem babies very often (my daughter was very small and prem at birth) but its the same case for term babies.

Maybe explaining that their over enthusiasm and blatant ignorance of your rights as his mummy could actually end up causing him harm ??

Might make them see it differently.

[jaq]

It sounds to me like you need to establish some groundrules, defend them, and then learn to relax a bit outside of those situations. Your in laws sound quite clucky to me, and keen to bond with your bub ... maybe they are TTC? Indulge them a little, but do it in a way that suits you, not them.

For example. When the baby is in his room, with the door closed, NO ONE goes in to him except Mum or Dad. NO ONE wakes him up, or resettles him if he wakes.

When its time for a feed, he gets fed, and not disturbed. Everyone has a right to sleep when they are tired and eat when they are hungry!

Maybe declare some visiting hours and try and be as generous as possible with the litttle one during those (limited!) times? Your need to hold and protect the baby is so intense, sometimes its very hard to step back and let someone else love them too ... but they DO have a right, as grandparents and aunts and uncles.

That right doesn't exceed yours, as parents, but it does exist. And your family life will be much more harmonious if everyone can learn to respect each others rights. :wave: