A sad and disturbing story

[razzle]

The daughter of a woman my mum works with has just had a baby boy, he's 4 or 5 weeks old. This girl has just turned 17, has no job, no prospects, an abusive, pot smoking boyfriend and is completely naive. My mother comes over to my house after work each week and tells me new stories. The latest is that her boyfriend has set up a bed at his mates place to sleep over there a couple of times a week so that she can get the single mothers benefit. Last week, Mum told me that the boyfriend puts the dummy in his mouth to clean it and then passes it on to the child, its no wonder the child has recurrent thrush in his mouth. The girl's mother is over there nearly every day doing the washing up and laundry. The boyfriend brings all his mates over to the house to party and smoke pot. The baby never sleeps (gee, I wonder why) and the girl told her mother that she nearly smashed the baby's head against the wall because he would not stop crying. The baby is only 4 weeks old. The boyfriend yells at the girl's mother and calls her an interfering b**ch, and threatens the girl. The girl won't leave because she's scared.

I dread to think of the life this child is going to have. What can you do? :(

[Elfin]

That is such an awful story. Unfortunately it is probably not unique. You just hope the girl's family step in if possible to kick that loser to curb and give the girl as much support as possible. That guy sound like an immature jerk :mad:


It makes me feel so lucky.

Easterlily

[Eleni's Mum]

What you need to do is to tell the person who sees this to report the situation to DOCs. God forbid that baby ends up the next leading news headline. You can't do much as it's hear say but your Mum or even the girls Mum. It's a harsh reality but maybe it will be enough to wake the Mum up before it's too late!

[razzle]

Unfortunately this girl's mother is as naive as she is.... they're not overly educated to put it politely.

I've told my Mum to help where she can with advice, and I've told her to tell them to get some advice and help from Child and Youth Health. I've given her a couple of "how to look after your newborn" books, so maybe that might help, as well as a bunch of hand-me-down things for the baby.

The latest is that her milk has dried up because she's "tired of breastfeeding". It makes me realise how lucky I am.

[jakobsmum]

That's so sad Rach :( What makes the whole thing sadder for me is knowing my best friend will never have children (and so perfect for the role) and someone can have one just like that. Sad knowing the bub doesn't have much of a chance in life.

[H&B'sMum]

:mad: :( :mad: :(
I'm really sad and upset about this story Rach. As much as it hurts, you or your mum have to ring DoCS. You don't have to give your name just the information. I believe very strongly in child advocacy and I believe that we all must play our part to give that poor baby his voice. The child can not get up and leave but the mother can. We must give this child a voice and say "it's going to be alright, someone will help you and your mum". We must help children who can't better their situations by doing what we believe is right and getting that child and mother out of that house sounds like the best possible thing. You sound like you have helped already by providing books and clothing for the baby and that's a great place to start. Well done Rach but there is more you can do. If you feel comfortable invite the young mother to the park or a somewhere you can talk to her and find out what else is going on.
It sounds like the boyfriend would only miss someone to boss around and make himself feel important, not the baby or his girlfriend.
If you want to talk to me more about this pm or email me. I have been in this situation with work and it's sometimes very hard to handle on your own so feel free to get in contact with me. Lots of hugs and kisses to you and Eloise from Harry and I.

[Miss_Vicki]

Do they smoke around the child? Hope not You would think that if he is goin to Contuie to smoke that he could give the child the decently to keep it away from them , Keep it to his mates or somethin, . Not to get over thoughts but How trustin are his mates ? could be doin bad **** to the kid,,
Some ppl pick to do drugs but it should mean the child should do it to... It like those ppl out there that have sexualy fetishes an dont keep it from their kids an stuff..
Dont go gettin family in volved just yet, Try an just get her to the younge mums group or a free councilor .
Not alout of girl at 17 have much of goals an stuff , nuffin uncoman , But its sound more like judging her then helpin her, think about helpin in a way your not puttin her out to be a bad mother,
Hey im noone special jsut had loads of experienced with younge mums an troubled kids an just know a odd few things that might help.

[razzle]

Thanks for your concern guys

It is really, really sad. :( When the girl fell pregnant (obvioulsy not planned) and her mother told my mother about it, Mum urged her to take the daughter off to get an abortion, at 16 she was far too young and immature to deal with it. I don't want to turn this into an argument for or against abortion but I tend to agree with it in some situations, particularly in this one.

It really upsets me to think about that poor little boy. I don't know their surname, only christian names, but being such a small town, and the baby being so young, the midwives at the Child & Youth Health office would probably know of this girl and might be able to help. I have to go out tomorrow and thought I would stick my head in there to get Eloise weighed and measured and casually bring it up with the midwife.

Karena, I'll let you know what happens at CYH tomorrow, but thanks for your offer.

Cheers girls

[H&B'sMum]

Rach please keep me informed and I'm here if you need any more support. keep up the advocacy for this child and mother you and your mum are doing a wonderful thing.

[Gemma]

Oh my God, that poor innocent baby. Let us know what happens when you speak with child health.

Makes you think how terrible some kids lives are and how it becomes a vicious cycle due to lack of education and as such a lack of power. How lucky our babies are to be brought up in loving and caring environments (yet when they are a teenager they won't see it that way..."your so mean mum.")

Cases like that break my heart.

[razzle]

I still haven't been able to get a hold of the midwife I know down at Child and Youth Health... fingers crossed I will get to speak with her early next week.

I asked my mum about the smoking around the child and apparently that's the one thing that she's put her foot down about - she makes him go down to the garden shed to smoke.

[H&B'sMum]

Well I suppose that something!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[jake'smum]

Hi guys
just stuck my head on in this post and am really sad to hear that story. I work in an emergency department ( i'm a registered nurse) at a reasonably large hospital in Sydney west and that story , unfortunately, i see nearly every shift. I am a mandatory reporter to DOCS ie if I even suspect something is up i have to by law report it. The system is not great, as you can see from the news reports, but its something and its a start. Usually its enough to scare the **** out of people to get there acts together. I STRONGLY recommend that you pass this info on. It is confidential, your name is not on the report so no worries there. The harsh truth is if they do shake this baby and it ends up with severe brain damage or dead, how will your conscience sit? sorry to be harsh, if you need any more info p.m. me but you sound sensible enough and obviously care so no doubt you'll do the right thing!
Kel

[razzle]

Well, how about an update on this story from so long ago!

The little boy is doing great from what I hear - although he's severely overweight. When he was about 3 months old the girl took him to a Christmas party and was feeding him soft serve icecream for lunch. Although the baby is only about 8 or 9 months old now, he's way bigger than Eloise (who's 13 months). When I first saw him I was shocked!! The mother is so tiny and thin and was carrying this enormous baby!!

Apparently when they moved into their new rental home just before the baby was born, the stupid boyfriend went off to radio rentals and bought, on one of those interest free plans, a house full of furniture electricals and appliances. Then he promptly lost his job and now they're broke and struggling to pay the rent, let alone the payments on all the stuff.

Amazingly, the baby is fine, has never been sick. The midwives down at CYH don't know the girl, maybe she's never been down there, who knows. I just keep up with the stories from my mum. I feel so sorry for them...

[WeThree]

poor little fella, being overweight like that is a form of abuse this girl really needs to go to some parenting classes, get into a mums group, learn about nutrition for herself and bub, regular contact with other mums, constant support and guidance. its clear she has no idea and if she doesnt have regular contact with the right sort of people things will just get worse. oh and get rid of the deadbeat boyfriend

[razzle]

Well here's another update.

The other night the baby was rushed to hospital at midnight with vomitting and diarrhea, the doctor said that he had severe gastroenteritis. They wanted to keep him in overnight but the grandmother (my mum's friend) told the doc that she would take them both to her home and keep an eye on the baby. My mum asked lots of questions, had been sterilising the bottles etc and the grandmother said that <mother> had been too busy to wash them all the time and often left bottles lying around for the baby to pick up and drink.

They have been evicted from their rental house, even though they are still living there, I think they contacted the real estate institute and made some claim, I don't know. Isn't there a law that says you can't actually physically remove people from a house without good reason? I think they are about a month behind in rent.

The people next door to them are drug dealers and now the boyfriend "works" for them (since he got the sack). He still spends all his money on dope and tried to cadge money off her from her parenting payments.

She has NO money for food or anything and lives on peanut paste sandwiches. She barely has enough money for formula and was thinking about putting the baby onto cows milk early, he's about 8 months old. I think my mum convinced the grandmother that it was too early, but who knows, as I said in a previous post, the grandmother is not the most assertive woman in the world.

I am so distressed by this, and am not sure what to do. I've considered contacting the child youth health hotline, but I don't know enough information about them. I know their first names and the street where they live. Mum doesn't know any more than that either. The local CYH office may know of them, if they've been going. DP says that it's none of my business but a call the the local CYH might help. If I do nothing though... I want to do something! :confused:

Should I get involved? How? What would everyone else do???? :confused:

[BlueGin]

Hi Rach,
now this is just my opinion, but I would definitely step in here. It doesn't sound like that mum really knows what's best for the bub at the moment with the illness and that boyfriend.
Calling Child Services is a good option, but you don't know specific details as you explained. I would be calling the local police station for advice on who to call (they are also in a position to find out the family's details).
I have dealt with my local police before in cases where I was not sure what to do, and they are usually fantastic. THey know all the places she can get help, and they also know who to speak to if it gets to the point where the baby needs to be taken from the mother, but I hope it doesn't come to that.
My sympathies to you in your situation, close enough to be scared for the child, but too removed from teh family to know exactly what to do! :o

[razzle]

I talked more about it to DP and he suggested that a personal visit to the clinic might be better than a phonecall. I have to go up the street tomorrow so will call in. It's such a small town that even with the limited information I have about the family, they'll probably know who I'm talking about.

I'll keep everyone updated.

[H&B'sMum]

Rach,
You are certainly in a tough spot. But as a friend I'm asking you to step in and help this family. Even if it is for the child's sake. Obviously this family doesn't have any idea what danger they are putting their child in and as a fantastic mother, who I know cares a lot about the welfare of children, you need to help this family.
Going to the clinic will be a great start. Then the police station. You said it's a small town so the police will probably know the family already. The police are mandatory reporters as well. So if they suspect any abuse they can make the report instead of you.
I think you and your mum are doing a wonderful thing in trying to help this family. Even if they don't see it as being helpful you are doing the right thing by this family.
Good luck Sweetie and pm me if you need any more support.

[dna13]

Hi Rach,

I was just wondering if you had an update on this poor little boy? I feel so upset after reading this thread. I really hope something has been done to help him as it seems he has had to put up with this abuse for so long now. :mad:

I hope you can update us on his wellbeing.


Angela 24
DH 27
:D Proud Mum to Coban 3/4/05

[redbaby]

Hi,.... if you do step in and do something (and I think that you don't have very much choice there),..then please be careful and try and do it annon. you really don't want to put your family and your children in a situation they did not ask to be involved in,. the welfare of your family is your primary concern,...... some people can turn very nasty without much prompting,.

[razzle]

Update - last I heard the girl was moving to a different part of the state - about 7 hours away from here - to be closer to her family. She only has her mum here. I thought that she and the baby were going alone, but have recently found out that the father is going as well. Hopefully they'll have a better go at it where they're going. The girl and the baby will be living with an aunt, not sure where the father is going but he already has a job lined up apparently.

Who knows - maybe they'll have a happy ending. Fingers crossed and good luck to them!

[Kamaikia]

you know i read this story and while i feel sorry for the baby my sympathy also lies with the 17 year old mother. Has anybody stopped and though about what she is going through. Yes i think its wrong what shes doing about the pension - but maybe this is good for her in that she gets rid of the abusive boyfriend for a few nights a week at the same time getting enough money to provide for her child. And whats so wrong with her mother coming to help - alot of mothers, not just the young ones have someone help them like this. When you said about her wanting to hurt the baby - now if this was an older married mother saying this what would you think - "post natal depression", but no she is young so we just assume she is going to abuse her child. I don't think anyone can fully judge her unless we are seeing it firsthand. Having a child at any age is hard, and being single or in an abusive relationship is even harder. Its very easy to sit back and judge someone who is in and abusive relationship, say that they should leave but the reality is that sometimes its not just that easy. Now i'm not justifying the drugs and partying just saying that there are two sides to every story. This girl sounds like she needs lots of help, advice and understanding not just judgement

[razzle]

You won't get any argument from me - hey I'm all for giving this girl help and support - which I have done (via my Mum). But - I'm a big believer in the theory of "you chose the action, you chose the consequence".

I DO feel sorry for this girl - maybe she does have PND, who knows. Not once have I said that this girl will probably abuse her child (other than feeding it the wrong types of foods). The nurses down at the CYH don't know her, have never seen her, and yet she tells her mother that the nurses there say the child is fine.

You're right - there's nothing wrong with the mother going over to help, except that she wasn't helping other to do a bit of housework. If I was her mother I'd be giving her boyfriend a kick up the a*** and throwing him out and helping her find a job whilst offering to look after the baby or something.

And she's wasn't "getting rid of the boyfriend for a few nights" - it was all a ruse to get more money from centrelink. Legally, as long as your partner's clothes and belongings are in a different room to yours then you can say that you're not living together, despite living under the same roof.

As far as just leaving in an abusive relationship, I disagree, it IS just that easy. JUST LEAVE! No excuses.

And I'm not judging this girl, I feel sorry for her and her baby.

[Kamaikia]

hopefully you'll never have to leave an abusive relationship - its not quite that easy. Do you understand what an abusive man does do your self esteem, how scary the though is of what they will do to you if you leave, thats the worst part - they wear you down to a point where you honestly beleive you can't do it alone, without them. Its not pretty, its not easy, especially when children are involved and it can take alot of time and support. i was wrong to say you were judging if you weren't i just got that impression from alot of the replies. Life isn't pretty, things aren't black and white - its easy for people who have it alright to look down on people who are less fortunate or in a bad situation.
Sorry to ramble i just get frustrated with how people look at others in abusive situations. Its easier to say what to do than to actually do it :rolleyes:

[razzle]

I don't want to get into an arguement but....

I do know what it's like to leave an abusive relationship, and YES, it is just that easy. As soon as the abuse starts - get up and leave! Why should you have to sit there and take the abuse, let him "wear you down" as you say. Kids or no kids, there are places to go and people to help you - use them.

I too get frustrated when people talk about others in abusive situations. :rolleyes:

[Kamaikia]

:) No need to argue - i like a good debate :) I can agree to disagree seeing as though i take a lot of your advice on board in these forums. One things for sure just makes you realise that no matter how bad life seems someone has always got it worse - makes me really look at how calm and full of love my life is when this sort of situation arises.

[razzle]

Hear hear! :)