i want to try now, my man doesn't

[reflect169]

me and my man fell pregnant a month after getting engaged, however we lost him at 22 weeks in apri. i want to try now, however ive only just turned 18, and my man wants to spend some 'us' time together, as we got pregnant a few months after we even started dating. its a very hard time, when i got my last two periods ( ive got one now) ive felt very bad. and when its working u tp my periods too. dont quite know how to handle this, as he says we should try at the end of the year...

any suggestions...

[kacey]

Hi. I'm sorry to hear of your loss. I've never had a m/c, but all the women who have seem to say they just want to be pg straight away, so it must be a restless time for you.

My hubby was really reluctant about starting to ttc, and it was infuriating because I knew he wants children. I sat down and chatted with him, and discovered that he needed time to get used to the idea and he was concerned about the added responsibility and the way a child would change our relationship. I gave him a few months, gently encouraging him to think about it and letting him know that his concerns were valid, and now he is happy to ttc.

Please think about the future - the best thing you can do for your child/ren is to have a stable and established relationship between you and your man. Give him time to get used to it, work through all the implications in his own mind. Then you'll be more likely to have his support when things get rough, as they inevitably will from time to time. Give him time to get on the same page as you. Sounds like he has your, and your children's, best interests at heart.
Hope this is an encouragement to you,
Kacey

[cosmic]

Hi. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss too - it must have been heartbreaking!

I have been in a similar situation to Kacey. My husband was very reluctant to have children at all for a long time and I was getting more and more impatient. When we eventually talked about it (without arguing!) he expressed a lot of fear about the responsibility of children and the impact on our lifestyle. I think we women, with all our nurturing instincts, completely underestimate the man's 'provider' instincts. It is equally powerful for them and they often feel a huge amount of anxiety about the need to provide adequately for a family.

Given a bit of time and understanding, my DH not only came around, but now I think is more excited than me about the idea! :)

Reflect169, I assume if you are only 18, your partner is quite young too so the responsibility would be a big scary thing for him too - and there is a lot to be said for spending nice time together as a couple before a baby turns it all upside down as it inevitably will!!

I don't want to seem like I'm dismissing your very real feelings - but one thing that has kept me positive during these short months of unsuccessfully ttc is the thought that when that baby comes, it is with me for LIFE.. and so in the big scheme of things, while it might seem like an eternity now (!!) one more month or even six more months of waiting is really just a little drop in the ocean.

What I do is focus on doing all the things I can do BEFORE I get pregnant that I may not be able to do afterwards and that helps to make it not seem such a long time.

Cheers, Cosmic x

[Chickadee]

Losing a child the way you have is devastating. For both of you. Your man might need more or less time than you to come to terms with it and be ready to try again. And while trying again as soon as possible may help you to heal, it may not help him - he will likely have different ways of working through the loss. I know when I miscarried my hub was hurting too, but he expressed it & dealt with it so much differently than I did. We coped separately, but continuing to do things together and build our relationship helped us both of us I think.

[chellegoth]

You need to allow both of you time to grieve for the child you have lost. The death of a child is said to be one of the hardest things for a relationship to go through.
I was also pregnant after a month or two of dating and really wish that we had time to establish a relationship before our child came along.

Give it a bit of time

[reflect169]

cosmic, my man is 25, youngish, however we both expressed to eachother before even being angaged, that we always planned to have children at (for me) around 18, and (for shane) around 25. :p

thank you all for telling me your situations too, it makes me not feel as bad as i did.

i think shane really wants to eb able to go to the pub and gigs with me. which is fair enough. i mean we're already gotten stuff for te next baby...

[pinkandblue]

Hi

I'm sorry for your loss. I also lost a baby at 13 weeks last August as she was missing a chromosome and we had to terminate.

I had my first daughter at 21 and I wish I had waited at least another 5 more years. I miss being able to go out with friends whenever I want, going out for coffee, going shopping without a stroller and baby bag and million other things, just running out to the shops to pick something up, just being a normal young person enjoying myself.

Dont get me wrong, I love my daughter and would not give her up for the world, but I just wish I had waited till I was older and enjoyed my life a bit more and travelled a bit before I started a family.

You are still young so just enjoy being young for a bit, going out, getting drunk, spending all your money on clothes, just normal teenager stuff. Dont try to grow up too early because its not all fun and games. It is hard work looking after a little one so just try and enjoy yourself for now.

Sorry I dont mean to sound like I dont like having a family, I just wish I had waited.

Natalie

[reflect169]

i thank you for your concern and advice, however, i have heard this before, off a lot of people. and i do still feel like i would love to have a family now, i want to travel WITH my kids, its just always what ive wanted to do. i do apreciate where abouts your coming from, but i want to have grown up sons and daughters when im 35/40, that would be great, shane and i can appreciate our children for what tey are at the age that we are, we feel. we can have fun with them, beside, my family is old, and its horrible. my father is 55, very very ill, and he's dying. my mother dies when i was 6. my grandma is very old, uncles, aunties, even my brother is 14 years older than me. i dont want my children to go through this. i want them to have 2 sets of grandparents (my dads gf is only 35), as i only had 1 grandmother, and thats it.

thank you though, but i wish u to know that my thoughts are completely backed up.
xxx

[cosmic]

Hi Reflect, sounds like you have put a lot of thought into it! I think you are right that there are some benefits in having them young. My mum had my brother and I when she was 18-19 and yes, my parents were off travelling with us off their hands by they time they were 35-40! I'm not sure if she had her time again that she still would have had us so young, because she did miss out on a lot of opportunities, but I guess she's making up for them now! And for me, it's nice that my parents are very young and we can be great friends.

So I guess the only hurdle you have is that Shane wants to wait, and as Martha (I think) said, perhaps he just needs a bit more time to grieve the loss of the first one and also to be a bit selfish and have you all to himself. :)

Like I said before, it might seem like an eternity to you now, but once that bub comes along this waiting will seem like no time at all. When I was very anxious and impatient about having kids, my partner and I bickered constantly and now that we are trying I kind of regret that I didn't just relax and enjoy our relationship during that time instead of focusing on 'what comes next'.

Not sure that helps, but I wish you all the best anyway.

[maybe1more]

Im so so sorry for your loss, my heart goes out to you, it must of been sooo hard to deal with. You sound like a very strong person and i can understand that you want another baby, maybe your man is still greiving and maybe hes still in shock and is scared that this could happen again, maybe you could talk to him and explain that if his doesnt want a baby yet then can you talk about it again in 6 months to a years time and discuss having another baby, at least you have given it a bit of time and if your feeling are still the same then go for it. All the best to you and sorry one again for what you when through, you baby is another angel in heaven. :)

[reflect169]

thankyou so much for your replies, you have no idea how good it is to speak to so many people about this at once. thank you.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

i will speak to him tonight about it, and see what his feelings are at the minute!

love ami xxx

[Briannabear]

Good luck... I hope it works out for you! :)

[reflect169]

i dont quite know how to bring up the conversation with him. i dont want him to feel like im pressuring him. :(