View Full Version : Co-sleeping - when to get time ALONE????
We've recently re-started co-sleepign with our 7 month old daughter because she was getting totally unsettled in her cot. This isn't neccessarily due to the cot - we also upped her solids intake & left a fan / heater (white noise source) on in the room too at the same time so any / all of these things could be helping her getting a better nights sleep.
I am loving the extra hours sleep and the fewer interuptions, not to mention how easy it is to feed! However I do find that I am totally missing time alone with my husband!!!
Not to mention time alone alone!
Does anyone have any suggestions? Our girl is very comforted by stirring and seeing us both there and I find that feels right to me, but I'm looking for a bit of balance and not at all sure what to do...I am thinking of putting her in the cot for some of the night or perhaps for daytime sleeps?
Any suggestions?
Kat
Emily's moocow
29-06-2005, 21:32
I too am cosleeping with my 9 month old DD. I have been putting her in the cot for part of the night until she wakes for her late night/ very early morning 12:00am breastfeed. This way my DH and I get some quality time. I cant really remember when we had a whole night in bed to ourselves in the last five years :D
. Do what you're comfortable with, but isnt it so much easier co sleeping. I love it!
Best Wishes
Teresa
Mum to Brock 5 1/2 Jacob 4 and Emily 9 months
Hi Kat
I agree that the co-sleeping feels right ... infact I think it is just NORMAL to do so :D Co-sleeping can be done in so many different ways - and it is up to you to find the balance that suits your situation - and your child! If the cot is in the room with you, you can have it butted up to the side of your bed with the side down, giving extra sleeping space - but still close enough for the comforting pat - or look! If not butted up to the bed or even if the cot is in another room, you can do as Teresa suggested and have bub in the cot for the first half of her sleep and move her to your bed after the first wake.
I often find that we [DH and myself] get our quality time after the kids are asleep - they are usually in our bed, but we then go out and the rest of the house is ours!! We have a baby monitor to note any chance of waking. When we do go to bed we put the sleeping kids in their own beds - one in a cot beside us and when she wakes in the night, she comes into our bed and stays there until morning.
I know some have a king size mattress on the floor for more room for all, I've even heard of wall to wall mattresses :eek: - so as I say SOOOO many ways. But as for co-sleeping and intimacy for the adults ;), I heard one woman say once, 'My husband and I have never been too conventional about where we have sex - and the main bedroom is only one place in the house where you can have sex ... there are so many other rooms in a house!' :D
So as I said - really it is up to you to find what suits you best! So long as it is done safely, there is no 'right way' for all - just the 'right way' for your family!
Happy co-sleeping!
I usually start my children in their own beds (except for cooper he often starts off in our bed and gets transported to his own bed later) and when they wake up they come in, that way my hubby and i get some private time (although lately i usually just want to sleep!)sometimes matilda stays for the whole night, or part of the night or not at all, it just depends on what happens, i have even woke up to find dh in coopers bed because cooper has taken over his spot! and i totally agree with the last post, there are many other rooms in the house ;)
Hi everyone, thanks for the replies!
Tonight's been another aborted 'cot' attempt (admittedly I figured it was a waste of time!) and I hve to say that much of our problem stems from my 7 month old daughters ability to exit the bed!
She has already fallen out once being a speed crawler while asleep. After this unfortunate but non-damaging incident, we abandoned the bed in favour of a mattress on the floor, however the thrill of this situation being 'safer' was short lived as she crawled her way off the mattress and gave herself a fat lip with a bad landing!
So I must admit that the 'wall to wall' mattress idea sounds like it would have merit for us! (except that we are sharing what is going to become the 'playroom' in the future and it is 5mx5.5m so I'd say its beyond our ability to wall-to-wall with mattresses!
So at this stage their could be a dozen rooms in the house suitable for intimacy and it still wouldn't help us! :(
Monitors are well and good but our girl is a stealth crawler - if she wakes up and is alone she will silently explore her world - until an accident happens. Even with the most 'baby-proof' mattress (lower to the ground) we'd still run into strife as she is also pulling herself upright. Hmm - unless we picked a smaller room and did literally do wall to wall and that way nothing to pull up on or to hurt herself on...
By the time we cleaned/ renovated to be able to do this she'll probably be in a bed of her own. *sigh*
I am just thinking aloud here. No idea what to do. Despite the fact it seems crazy and pointless I am very tempted to do the controlled crying thing. I just think it is a horrible way to treat your baby (despite not thinking any of the family / friends I know who've done it are horrible people).. :confused:
Ah well the lack of sleep is melting my brain.
g'nite
Kat
Oh you poor thing, Kat :( . I hope there was some sleep at SOMEtime last night for you!!
Sitting here trawling my mind for ideas ... but none really appearing! I know you can get bumper things that go onto the side of beds - and some kind of 'side-car' bed attachments ... but now you are down to mattress on the floor maybe they are not even sensible suggestions either :confused:
Do you have 1000 pillows in the house perhaps?? :D
Sorry. Not much help. Just hope someone else out there has a brain wave for you!
All the best anyway - and keep us updated!
:)
Kat
As someone who has also been sleep deprived for what feels like months, you have my sympathy. Co-sleeping hasn't worked for us either, and my daughter stopped being breast fed to sleep (i.e. she doesn't go to sleep on the breast like she used to), and there have been times in the last few weeks when she screamed for an hour even while I was holding her and cuddling and patting etc (in the middle of the night) so we are in the process of going through the "horrible" process of controlled crying. Don't dismiss it as an option as there are all sorts of variations on it which can minimize the distress to your baby and you - rather than controlled crying you can adopt a step by step teach to sleep approach, of finding ways to settle her in her own cot - like patting her for a couple of minutes then leaving her for a couple of minutes, and slowly increasing the time you leave her for - that way you know she isn't missing you but she starts to get used to going to sleep in her own bed. Then you can slowly reduce the time you pat her for until a couple of pats on the bum are enough for her to know that it is time for her to sleep.
And remember that teaching her to sleep in her own bed doesn't mean the end of the nice stuff about co-sleeping either - we have always had a policy that anyone who wakes after 4am comes into our bed, so everyone still gets cuddles and snuggle time but we get some time in our bed to sleep properly without worrying about who we are rolling on, or who is kicking and pinching us.
I guess what I am saying is that you shouldn't dismiss any solution out of hand - you can adapt anything to suit you and your baby!
Wishing you some better nights.
How are things going, Kat?
Any better last night?? I was thinking that you could perhaps just hope that this unsettled period is just 'the stage' that a lot of babies seem to go through at around this age - you know the separation anxiety thing - and maybe DD will soon be happy to settle in the cot again?? maybe?
Anyway - just thought I would check in with you and see how it's all going! :)
mattias'mom
12-07-2005, 05:51
We are co-sleeping with our son who is almost 6 months old. It isn't really by choice I suppose since most nights he wakes up and won't go back to sleep in his crib. The only real problem is the lack of space in our bed. I do love to sleep with my son and I find that when he sleeps in his crib I don't sleep as good and when he does wake up which is usually around 12-2 a.m. and brought into our bed I sleep great. I know though that he is going to have to learn to sleep by himself soon it's just so hard to transition him to his crib...the lack of sleep is hard to deal with and I hate to hear and see him crying and so upset. We have tried everything to get him to sleep in his crib he just seems to wake up after 3-4 hours. This has changed since he was about 3 months old, he used to sleep from 9 pm to 5 am but that changed about a month and a half ago and now we are just trying to find something that works.
How are things going now Kat? Hope you are getting some sleep at your house! :)
... How about you, Shelly? All sleeping OK at your house? :)
charlismum
22-07-2005, 22:46
What to do??? Charli is 5 months old and I am exhausted.....my daughter is "sleep challenged" over night and I am very sleep deprived. I guess one thing we learn the hard way as mums is that what ever our children do that is not perfect is entirely our fault....Charli is a bad sleeper because I stuffed things up by co-sleeping, because I gave her a dummy and now she will not go without, because she is breastfed, because I bath her at night time, because I stopped bathing her at night time, because I started giving her a bottle at night time, because she needed solids at 3 months, because i started her on solids too early at four months, because i wrap her too tight, because i don't wrap her tight enough......Enough is enough.....I feel as though I have tried almost everything and I am just so sick of trying......Is it ok to say that Charli is a bad sleeper at night because she just is? And is it ok that I am tired of trying new things to get her sleeping through the night?
How long should Charli be sleeping for at night and during the day?
I am so confused :mad:
..Is it ok to say that Charli is a bad sleeper at night because she just is?
Hi Charlismum!
I can sympathise with you completely! I have had two bad sleepers ... and it does get better! But I think firstly you have to stop listening to everyone else and start just doing what is best for you and your daughter!
And yes, some babies are just bad sleepers - I wish CHNs and Drs would get THAT through their thick heads!! Who has been putting all this guilt on you? Health professionals? who should know better? And then there are the 'sleep trainers' who only make it worse for everyone by listing all these ridiculous expectations of hours of sleep that your baby SHOULD be having!!?? Like they have any idea about YOUR baby?? :mad:
A newborn baby can sleep anywhere from 8 hours to 21 hours in a 24 hour period. At twelve months of age a child can need anywhere from 9 to 18 hours sleep per day. Anyone who tells you that your baby needs ‘X’ amount of sleep, or that your baby ‘should be sleeping through by now’ really has no idea of the complexities of infants’ sleep and the huge variations that can occur..... so it is just up to YOU to tell when your baby is tired and how much sleep she needs - no one else!
Firstly read this http://www.kathydettwyler.org/detsleepthrough.html so that you can realise that your DD IS normal!!
Then these may help - 30 ways to get your baby to sleep better -
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/7/T070300.asp
and 10 reasons to co-sleep -
http://www.wearsthebaby.com/tenreasonssleep.html
and some things from James McKenna [a REAL sleep expert! who has OBSERVED babies' sleep patterns for over 20 yrs - so knows what is normal and what should be expected - as opposed to the sleep trainers, who have spent years forcing babies into a more 'convenient' sleep pattern that they have derived, and which apparently suits parents better] -
http://www.naturalchild.com/james_mckenna/
The ONLY way I coped with DD [who was the worst!] was to co-sleep - otherwise I wouldn't have manged to get any sleep at all! And during the day I had to carry her in a sling for a lot of the day, so I could get anything done. The time she needed to be carried reduced slowly over time, and when she was walking at 12 months it dropped rapidly then.
There is light at the end of the tunnel - though you might not think so now!! And my advice would only be to relax [if only!! she says :rolleyes:] and just start trusting yourself.
Hope things get better soon!
:)
charlismum
23-07-2005, 12:23
Thankyou so much for recommending the websites and your encouragement. I honestly feel a lot better about the nightime waking. I am going to continue to co-sleep and ignore my family's opinions on what i should or shouldnt be doing. I know what is right for charli and she feels most safe in the bed with me so thats how it is going to be.
It would be great to have a baby that slept throught the night in her own cot however it makes more sense to me that she would be better off in my bed where she feels safe.
atleast thats one thing off the big weight on my shoulders that us mothers carry around!
Thanks again
Jen :o :D :)
Charli :cool: 12/02/05
Yes good ole' family and friends - don't they have just the 'best' advice :rolleyes: ????NOT!!!!
Go with the flow - and enjoy your daughter, despite all the tough times ... she will only be small for SUCH a small time in your life, BELIEVE ME!!
All the best!
:)
summerly
25-07-2005, 11:15
Well firstly, in many countries in the world children co-sleep with their parents right through until they are about 7 years old. So it is not really that much of a big deal. I think for about the first two months my daughter slept in her bassinet by herself and then she gradually moved to the bed to sleep with us. I found that I was so tired I was falling asleep sitting upright and would wake up with her in my arms several hours later, ready for another feed. So it just seemed like the easier thing to do, lay down and sleep with her, feed her when she cried and pass out again.
I breastfed for 2 years, and even after I stopped feeding her she would still wake in the night, sit up and play with my eyelids or stick her finger up my nose. Some kids just aren't great sleepers. We tried controlled crying and all of the other things recommended by our doc and child health nurse and Ngala but I found it too stressful and upsetting. We would only just start getting her settled and she would come down with some virus or another and end up back in bed with us anyway. It was just easier and more peacefull for all to let her sleep with us.
But now she is 41/2 and she sleeps in her own room, own bed, by herself for most of the night. She still ends up in bed with us in the early morning hours, and after a few swift kicks hubby gets out and move into her bed so that we aren't so squished. She goes to bed at 7.30pm and gets up at 7am now so that we have plenty of time to ourselves. I think some kids just sleep better than others and we will probably co-sleep with the 2nd kid too. Just going to have to buy a king size bed! Good luck, you do eventually get time to yourself. Then you get lonely and wander around talking to yourself. :p
mattias'mom
26-07-2005, 03:28
I am happy to report that Mattias has started to sleep more in his own bed. He has even slept through the night a few times in the past 2 weeks. There have been a few night that he has still slept in bed with us but we will take whatever we can get.
Hi there everyone,
Sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you all, especially you Mimi, thank you for the posts!
The reason I've been unavailable is that our girl has been sleeping a lot more in her cot again, sometimes all night, sometimes only till 3am or so, but we're all much much happier.
Basically we let her co-sleep when she needed to and then she is comfortable and feels safe in her cot. We also put the stereo on and she listens and looks at the lights from her cot when she stirs at night. I also stopped eating peanuts / satay which has helped her tummy (she sometimes used to get bad pains at night).
When she seems unsettled first going to sleep we co-sleep straight away, and otherwise pop her in the cot.
She seems happy. We are happier.
Thanks for the support / advice.
Kat
hi
we are co sleeping with our 13month old & i love it & so does my husband but other people have such big opions about it .
i love feeling his little chest rise and fall and rubbing his tummy when he has wind in the middle of the night .
im so happpy to see that other people are doing it to .
this new thread is going to be great for me i cant wait to get to know you all and find out what great things your families are experincing.
love mummy b
I'm too slack to read all your threads and I am really sorry. But my two cents worth is: we have two queen beds side by side in our room, most nights we have two, but sometimes more in bed with us, particularly in winter... I breastfeed the nearly 3 year old and cuddle the nearly 5 year old at night. Everyone asks us how we get time alone and I have to say, think outside the square, when we first started in a relationship the bed was the last place we thought about shagging... there are so many better places than our bedroom... I don't want to wake the kids up.
P.S. Ask all those people who don't co-sleep how many times they wake up with their kids in their bed or are awoken by their kids. Every one pretends they sleep alone, but even my hard-hearted friends give in...
jembelina
20-08-2005, 09:23
Despite the fact it seems crazy and pointless I am very tempted to do the controlled crying thing. I just think it is a horrible way to treat your baby (despite not thinking any of the family / friends I know who've done it are horrible people).. :confused:
hi Kat,
we also co-slept with bub up until he was about 6 months old, then he started wiggling down the bed, well and truly under the covers and i really didn't feel happy about that. So, reluctantly we moved him to the cot, where he would go down fine but refused to go down after his middle of the night feed. as a last resort we tried cc (for this and some other reasons)and it has been hugely successful. just letting you know because i was totally against cc too, but i was becoming very frustrated with bubs sleeping habits so i decided it was better for him to have a mummy who was calm and content. anyway, just thought every little bit of info helps, good luck!
You have to do what keeps you sane, but what also keeps you free from guilt. Catch 22 when you're a mum! Babies and kids are only that for such a short period of time. In the whole scheme of their lives and ours, interrupted sleep and sharing our beds with them is just a drop in the ocean of life. That thought is what keeps me sane.
You have to do what keeps you sane, but what also keeps you free from guilt. Catch 22 when you're a mum! Babies and kids are only that for such a short period of time. In the whole scheme of their lives and ours, interrupted sleep and sharing our beds with them is just a drop in the ocean of life. That thought is what keeps me sane.
ditto :) I use that a lot too to remind me of perspective - this is such a short time we get to be parenting them as a baby, it doesn't last like that forever
Grubincubator
09-09-2005, 08:09
We've been co-sleeping with baby Ethan since the first night home from hospital. I even jumped ship from the hospital after 2 nights as he wouldn't sleep in the horrible plastic box in hospital and you can't co-sleep in a hospital bed...
It was horribly cold when we came home. We have his cot with one side removed on the side of the bed but he gets too cold there. I suspect he'll he happier to move over a foot or so once we hit the hot weather. ;)
His feeding/sleeping habits have varied wildly. At the beginning he was only waking once or twice in a night. But at the moment he seems to be wanting to feed about every two hours :rolleyes: sigh
It's definitely all worth it though.
IAdoreYou
10-09-2005, 19:18
:D
LOVE the "wall to wall" my SIL actually DID that ...
I love co-sleeping as well! We have a king sized ensemble and we all fit quite nicely .. I have a 6 week old and ummmmmmm a cot which has been touched "once" :rolleyes: I actually don't want to even think about the day she has to really sleep in it! can't believe I said that .. my hubbie actaully LOVES watching tv late and often falls asleep until 4am with the doona on the lounge and comes to bed about 5am .. MEN! .. so if "if" i get randy later "later" sometime in the near future I can always pop out and visit him ;)
Happy co-sleeping!
Imogensmum
16-09-2005, 19:57
I am soooo relieved to find this thread-my lttle lady(10wks) co sleeps with me from about 4ish in the morning- mainly because her cot is so cold, and she just doesn't settle well at that stage- up ever 30-45mins. If i tuck her in with me we both get to sleep til 7am! (never in my wildest dreams did i think a 7am sleepin would be considered fantastic :p ) I was a little wary about telling people she slept with me because i kept getting lectures "You'll spoil her" "She'll never learn to sleep on er own" etc,etc.
So thank yo all for making me feel normal again! :D
Imogensmum, like you, we were told those things too (now I know they are all a croc), so we were "closet co-sleepers" for a while, now I'm just loud and proud about it. Stuff everyone else, the greatest compliment I ever received was from a senior social worker who works with really screwed up/abused kids who said that he thought the way we parented was great. He could see how attached our kids were to us and how much they trusted us... wow! The in-laws naturally wouldn't believe it... mumbo-jumbo!
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