Problem with not having my Mum here still

[Kat]

Hi there,

I wasn't sure where to put this query because it is technically a problem WITHOUT a family member! :confused:

My Mum died a few years ago and my DD is now 7 months old. I have realised since having my girl that I have been totally not dealing with Mum's death very well, but also I have begun to miss her even more intensely than ever.

Ok so this is relatively to be expected and there is not a lot I can do about it. I would love to hear how other new Mums cope who are in this situation.

There is another problem with having lost Mum - I am really struggling with some of the Mum-daughter stuff that I was kinda 'expecting' to have - like sewing curtains for our house, advice on time=savers, just 'stuff' that my Mum used to do but I was busy being a student and renting a share house and didn't care about then.

I know quite a few older ladies and many of them know my Mum is dead, but there just doesn't seem to be anyone who is even remotely interested in being 'Mum" in the respect of sharing that type of time with me. I think its a genetic thing - seems like they have room only for their families! This includes my MIL who pretty much treats me like some kind of alien being and isn't interested in us at all.

Yes this is a bit of a 'feeling sorry for myself' post. I am just really struggling along and today am really sick of always struggling!!!! :mad: I guess that is in part another issue altogether (the state of our life / home is a bit of a saga in itself) but then again - does anyone else have deceased Mother issues? Has it affected you and your ability to cope?

I am also concerned about how to portray to Phoebe her grandmother. My Mum would have been grandma and my MIL is Nana. *I* am really struggling with Phoebe not having 'grandma' or anyone else to call grandma either! It doesn't help that all the older ladies keep introducing themselves as Nana Jo, Nana Elsie etc so that she seems to have lots of Nana's and no grandma. Ok. I am going to stop typing now because I am feeling really self-conscious about baring my feelings which admittedly are all jumbled up.

Does anyone relate to ANY of this?

Kat
:confused:

[Michelle j c]

Hi Kat

Its Ok to feel ripped off. At least that is how I feel. My mother died when I was 16. I am now 36. I feel I have been ripped of in a big way. Not being able to share all the things that everybody else takes for granted. All the important things in life. My marriage, the birth of my 3 kids. To be able to ring her in the middle of the night to say help. To pack my bags and go home when things get tough. Although the pain has lessened over the years the needs haven't. I talk to my kids all the time about her. I tell them funny stories and let them know what sort of person she was. Although they never met her it makes them feel as though they know her. I miss her terribly and I understand how you feel. Don't feel guilty for feeling the way you do.

Michelle

[Manxie]

Hi Kat

Hope you dont mind me replying, I'm not in the same situation as you as my mum is still alive and I am lucky enough to be able to e-mail and chat to her. She is however on the other side of the world and unable to visit and obviously can not be there for me and bubs (when it comes) in the way I would like.

I think your mum will always be your little girls grandmother and nobody will be able to replace that. When she's older it will be easier to explain where her grandmother is and to show her photographs.

I dont think anyone can come close to fulfilling the mum role to you, certainly not MIL's as there is just not that bond there, certainly this is the case with me. I am just trying to accept that this is the way it will be and have tried to explain to my hubby that I am going to get very jealous of his families involvement, in particular his mum and that he will have to cut me some slack. I know its not fair of me to feel like this but I cant help myself. I am just going to try and make sure my baby knows lots about my family too.

Sorry feel like I've crapped on and dont really have a right to but hope it kind of makes sense. I really do feel for you

[Chickadee]

Like Manxie, my family is all on the other side of the world. So is my husbands. If we get to see them once a year it's lucky. I know they're just on the other end of a phone if I need advice, but my daughter (19 months) doesn't know them. What I did when she was about 9 months old was to make a picture book of family, using a small 3x5inch photo album. I put in pics of us, of her, her dogs, close friends that she sees here, and also family from home. You might start doing this as your daughter gets older, talking about your mum with her and showing her pictures of you and your mum together and the rest of your family.

If it's any small consolation about the abundance of nanas, I don't think children understand names until they're closer to 2. My daughter callls her care giver "mum", and any adult male is "dad". It's the only names she knows for adults so I don't let it bother me. Gently tell all the nanas that you'd prefer she only have your mum and your MIL as nanas or grans and that you'd like others to be Aunts, or just pre-empt them and introduce them to your daughter as Aunt X before they get a chance. Aunt or Aunty is still a respectful term, I had a lot of pseudo-aunts growing up who weren't necessarily related.

[Elfin]

Kat, i really understand how you feel as I lost my Mum suddenly and unexpectedly 3 years ago when I was about 26 weeks pregnant with dd1. She was only 59, it was so unfair. It was really devastating but I felt I had to cope for the sake of ds and dd. It is so hard not having that one person you can really trust and rely on to help you out. My inlaws are really good but live far away but it is not the same as having your own family. I have no family at all of my own except for a couple of distant relatives that live far away.

I think about Mum every day but only time has made things a bit better, at least my children have 1 set of grandparents which is better than none. Grief counselling may help, I chose not to do this personally I just didn't feel the need. I have just found that keeping busy and time has helped.

Like Manxie said, when your dd is older, you can explain your mum to her and show her photos so she can relate to her as a real person if that makes sense. My ds can remember her a bit and we talk about Mum quite often and look at photos together in a happy positive way.

I hope this helps a bit but I think time is only thing that helps with the grief.

[Kat]

I've been unable to get back to you all because our DD went back to cot sleepign and the typing woke her up! Thank you so much for your caring replies.
It is still hard, but we are trying and it is bringing our family close (the 3 of us) tho also very demanding and straining on our relationship.
will write more if I ever get the opportunity again!
love Kat