Advice Please

[Rainbowbrite]

Hi again,

Really don't know what i would do without this place.

I have what i am deeming to be a BIG problem at the moment. My DD is now almost 6 weeks old and i love her more than i ever thought i could love anything. The problem i have is that ever since i had her, i don't feel the same way about my husband. I honestly just feel like i don't feel the same way towards him, which is painful and really scares me. It just seems that everything he does and/or says sets me off.

I have suffered with depression before and wonder if it is once again rearing its ugly head. I just hate that i'm pushing him away like this. It is so hard on both of us. Really don't know what to do and need advice big time because i really don't want to be a single mother. I adore my husband but just feel flat towards him.

Can anyone help or tell me what i should be doing differently?

[mumofethan]

Hi Rainbowbrite,

I can understand what u are going thru... i suffer bipolar disorder and it did play up a bit after ethan was born.

All i can say is explain to him how u feel, explain that it isnt really anything that he is doing but just a stage that you are going thru, and it is normal to feel like this after a baby.

:D

Michelle

[drewid]

Hi Rainbowbrite

I think what you are feeling is pretty normal. My bub is now 4 months old and things are much better, but at the beginning, I felt really ambivalent towards my husband as well.

After lots and lots of thought I figured it out.... I had fallen in love with my precious baby boy!! He occupied all my thoughts, time and feelings for those first few months. I was so totally in love that it blocked out the love that I had for my husband. It didn't erase that love, but baby-love took centre-stage for a while.

I suffered from the guilts, from not paying him attention and not feeling attracted to him for that period. But slowly, slowly we got past it. It takes a lot of understanding on both sides and you have to really TRY sometimes. Honestly, sometimes I still have to push myself to remember to give him a kiss when he gets home from work. It seems like there are so many things to do, that those things can fall by the wayside. But you just need to perservere and remember the love that you share. Especially seeing as that love created that special baby you love so much!

Just take it slowly...baby steps. Every time you look at your bub, remember how she got there in the first place...remember the joy of looking forward to her birth. Things will get better, please don't give up on your husband or your marriage so soon. I am a big believer that love conquers all...

Big hugs...

Nic

[alicesmum]

hi rainbowbrite
i haven't much time but wanted to commisserate! i was so tetchy towards my husband for those first 6-8 weeks. i felt everything towards alice and little towards him, he annoyed me over things that never annoyed me before. i also felt very indifferent to our cat (!!) and gave her away and now wish i had her back!! a bit different I know, but i think that that showed me that , my feelings at that time were very driven by my hormones and physiology. i look back now and realise I feel quite different now. so all i can offer I suppose is to say that your feelings will change. i didn't realise it at the time what a big adjustment it is to make in every respect (physically, emotinally, psychologically, etc) to go from being childless to suddenly having a baby. anyway, not much help was i, but as shakespeare said "this too shall pass!

have you got a mum or sister around? if so, can you spend some more time with her/them and maybe talk to them about your feelings? or other friends who have recently had babies who you could start seeing more often. don't know if that would help but it might get you back to some semblance of normality!

also, what about talking to your husband when the time is right, choosing your words carefully of course (as must be done when dealing with husbands!!) and telling him what you think is happeneing for you at the moment and to bear with you and all those kinds of things you just said in your post???

all the best :p
rachel

[AM]

It is such a difficult time of adjustment, and babies are just so all consuming, it can be hard to spread yourself out sometimes, especially if you are exhausted!

I have been exactly where you are now, and all I can suggest is to go easy on yourself, don't beat yourself up, you are in a major transition phase, and things do settle down - I remember being told that, and I did not believe it, but it was true - Your relationship with dh will probably never be the same, but it can be just as good, just different, and it is something which will evolve over time, as you both find who you are in this new role as parents.

Have you tried talking to dh and letting him know how you feel, because he is probably going through stuff as well, and is probably feeling quite confused as well.
If nothing else, you can both acknowledge that you are both confused, and feeling upside down, and that may be enough for you to relax, and just go with the flow for a while.

If you are truly worried about pnd, there would be no harm in just going to see a doc, and having a chat about it.
It may just put some fears at rest, and if you do need further help, you would be in the right place.

Hugs to you, I know how bloody hard it is for those first few months, but please believe me - IT DOES GET BETTER!!!

Angie

[Briannabear]

All I can suggest to you is to get some time-out with your husband. I know how hard that can be when you have a little baby, but its really important. Even if you can get someone to look after your bubba for just an hour or so, thats a good start. Do something like go to the movies or just have dinner together. Try and do something that you used to do as a couple. It starts to make you feel 'normal' again. :rolleyes:

Try and think about things that you have liked about your hubby, or nice things that he does for you.

Another really important thing is to take some time out for yourself. Have some 'you' time. Even if your husband just takes your baby for a walk or for a drive in the car. Run yourself a nice bubble bath and read a magazine, or do a hair treatment, or have a cup of tea and a choccie, or phone a friend that you've been meaning to call but havent had time to - just do something for YOU. If you're not feeling good within yourself its really hard to feel good about anyone else. Make it a weekly or fortnightly thing.
Once you have been doing these things for a while you will feel so much better, no where near as stressed, and probably more tolerant of your husband!

Marriage is hard work and most people will hit a rough patch at some stage of their relationship. Keep communicating and hang in there... if you work through it the rewards will be massive. Think of how much closer you will become because of what you have experienced together.
You are going through one of the most difficult (but also rewarding) things ever... you have just brought a child into the world! Thats massive!

Good luck! :D

[willsmum]

I have to say I agree with everyones comments. I felt ambivalent towards DH too. He couldn't see what the problem was and expected me to be, well, me.

I felt like Daisy the Cow (breastfeeding) and I was at the beck & call of a very active toddler as well as having a newborn. In the end I blew up at DH and said that as far as I was concerned, I was right at the bottom of the pecking order, behind two kids, a cat and him, and if I got 5 mins a day to myself I was lucky. That cleared the air a bit. Things are now better, but he had to come to terms with the fact that the world didn't revolve around his and my needs and wants anymore.

I think what you are feeling is normal. A whole extra human being has stepped into your life and you will need to adjust. And at the moment the new little person needs you more than the big old one, so your emotions are adjusting accordingly.

Hang in there.

[Chickadee]

From my experience, and the other replies you've gotten, what you're feeling is pretty normal. I went through a long period of off and on not really liking my hub. It basically came down to being angry at him and resentful of his apparent freedom to have a life while I was so busy and single minded about our daughter. I think I know what you mean about pushing him away - I'd be so angry and upset that I'd shut my hub out, and then be even more upset that he didn't make the enormous effort to ignore my hostility and come give me the comfort I really wanted. My feelings did cycle through a period of depression, I don't know how related the two are. But it's awful being in that state and can easily spiral out of control.

It does get better with time, as bub gets older and you get a little more free time to yourself. But I think it's something you both have to work at - it's very easy to become parents only and neglect each other. Like everyone has said, you really do need to talk to him about how you're feeling and that you need help from him. Even if it's just to come and give you a hug & kiss at odd times. Possibly he'll need gentle reminders of that more than once. If he was with you when you've been through depression before then talking about that might help, and if not then maybe you could tell him about it and your worries about heading down that path again.

[Rainbowbrite]

Thanks for that guys, glad to know i'm normal - kinda :p I'll just have to make hubby sit and listen to me without commenting till i'm finished (the one thing that sends me insane).

I'll have to make him have a more active role with bub too. Not easy because i breastfeed, but i just wish he'd attempt to change, dress or even comfort her occasionally.

Have an appointment at the Dr next wednesday for 6 (it'l be 7) week checkup for both myself and MJ, so i'll have a word to her then.

Not ready to leave MJ yet (killed me having my eyes tested last week :o ) but might have to all go to the movies for a day out.

Thanks again, and sorry if i've scared any pregnant future mums out there.

[draught]

I agree with what everyone else has said.
Something else that both myself and a lot of my friends have experienced is husbands really not getting involved much with the babies until about the 6 months mark - then all of a sudden they don't feel so helpless, the baby isn't so small and it is interacting more (in their eyes anyway!) So don't think he doesn't care - it is very common for fathers to take some time to feel they have anything to contribute.

[Milly]

Hey there!

I don't think it is that unusual to feel that way. Although, if you are really concerned perhaps see about talking to a Counsellor or someone.

I had been quite grumpy with my DH just because I was so tired and worn out. It was actually nothing really personal it was just he was the first in the firing line. But I was also a bit upset with him because of his mother and that he did not understand the few issues I had with her behaviour after our daughter as born and that upset me quite a bit. So, I have been harbouring a few issues there that have affected things. I actually went and talked to a Counsellor to talk about how to deal with my MIL and how to get my DH to see the problems I was having with her. Talking to someone objective was so wonderful. Really, my DH is great and has really been rather good with everything since our daughter was born, but I have just been so tired and had those other issues. But after my daughter's first birthday, I suddenly snapped out of it and was much brighter. We are now pregnant again and I feel a bit of grumpiness returning, but I really know now that it is fatigue related and I have had a good chat to my Dh about it and he is very understanding. He too has a lot of work stress at the moment too, so the pair of us are a bit off colour. With my MIL I have started to take the upper hand with that and be quite nicely blunt with her and have really figured that she is the sort of lady that you really need to spell things out too, so that bit of psychologly is gradually improving my feelings there too.

All I can say is hang in there. It will hopefully pass and I really encourage communicating with him. See if there are even any books for new dads that are available too. Perhaps get him to do some reading into new babies and how his partner may be feeling and if it gets more worriesome just see about talking to someone like a counsellor to get things of your chest.

All the best with it!

[Graeme]

Hi,

It must be really hard and pretty scary. I agree that it is important to talk to your partner and tell him how things are for you. It is a huge change for both you and him, and my experience suggests that the more we discussed things, the better.

It would be a pretty hard thing to hear, but it could also be something that helps your relationship grow in the long run.

I also agree that it is important not to put your needs totally at the bottom of the pile, and ensure that your partner shares in parenting.

Just as a lot of mothers have experienced a change in how they feel towards their partners (at least in the short term), it might help to remember that a lot of fathers have experienced changes in how their partners feel toward them and have got through it fine. :)

Good luck.
Graeme

[ThomasMum]

Hi Rainbowbrite,

Your feeling is normal. Brand new baby brings so many things into our life, the impact can be so overwhelming sometimes. Culture shocks.

Do something special for yourself. Go for a walk. Movie or catch up with old friends. Or do stuff that you would normally do before the bub is born, let your hubby knows also how you feel, share your feelings with him

Once a week I have my 'time-out' whilst Joshua babysits Thomas. Some week I go out shopping. Other week I just sit around the house doing nothing, following week I spent my time reading my old books or listening to my old iPod, its amazing how refreshing this little activities can be!

So go out, take a walk, listen to music, (if you live in big property out like my sis just SCREAM! let it out) just do something nice to yourself even just for 30 mins break, its all about YOU YOU YOU. Things will go back to 'normal' before you know it!

Smile :D

LovePeace

ML

[Rainbowbrite]

Well last night after DH got home from work and was checking his email etc he had a look here and read the thread. He was a bit upset that i didn't speak to him but understood that it was hard to say things like that to his face. I'm so lucky to have someone like him. We had a long discussion about how we feel and have promised to be honest with each other. All day today, i've been receiving sms's reminding me jsut how much he loves me, and that he is so happy with his life now.

His life had had dramatic changes as has mine in the last couple of years. His last relationship was for 7 years and there was never any talk of marriage or children so he never considered it to be part of his future. Then we met and within 3months he had propsed and 1 year later i found out i was pregnant. All i ever wanted in life was to be a wife and mother and my dreams came true, whereas he never thought this would happen to him.

After discussing everything I'm feeling a lot better and he has promised to start helping more. Last night I had a shower with DD (after baby love nappy failed to do its job :eek: ), then handed her out to him to dry and dress while i had a nice long hot shower and relaxed a bit.

So thanks again to everyone. It really does pay to talk about everything with your partner, and now i know that :)

[Chickadee]

That's excellent Rainbowbrite! :D

[Graeme]

That's great. I'm glad that he took it well and long may it last.
It sounds like you are both pretty understanding.
It is amazing how he found out too .
Graeme