Please help

[skacey]

I am at my wits end. I am a separated mother of two boys 8 and 10 who are constantly bickering and fighting. I dont know what to do about it and find myself yelling and being angry all the time. I just want to enjoy my children but I am starting to not like them. I spend all day telling myself I will be nice to them tonight and not yell, as soon as I pick them up they start at each other and I just cant handle it. Im losing the plot, have even considered walking away and leaving them to their father. I have no family support here and life has become unbareable. I am crying all the time. Am already taking anti depressants, but am still depressed. What do I do?????:hair:

[Pax]

they are at an age where sib rivalry is really bad. my 2 eldest girls were like that but they are so close now at 14 and 16.

i used to say to them. you two need to stick together, when everyone else and everything else lets you down in life you two will always be sisters.

i would even say, be angry with me or angry with dad but dont be angry with each other.. stick together.

do tell the kids how their their fighting makes you feel.. be open and honest.

dont give up. boys are a huge handful for their mums. ((hugs))

take a break when you need to.

[Ronni78]

:hugs: You poor love! It's hard to think or manage when you are stressed and depressed.

My advice is to firstly take care of you and that depression. Go to your GP and get a referral for some counselling.

Secondly, take regular breaks - take the kids to a friend's place or daycare (Family Assistance hopefully should help with costs), and try having more time out with friends/yoga/gym/swimming/walking... whatever.

Thirdly, are the boys involved in hobbies or sports etc? It's a good way for them to use up aggression. My DH was an awful older sibling until he started martial arts and diving. There's got to be cost effective sports available somewhere.

I would also find activities that you would all enjoy, something you could ask them, as a condition of going, to behave themselves for the day.

Lastly if possible, I would read up on parenting books. Not saying at all that you aren't a good parent or that you don't know what you are doing, more that it's good to re-educate yourself and get some useful tips. I sometimes read inspirational and positive things to get me back on track - even if I think I've kept my eye on the ball because there's always room for improvement. No such thing as perfect parenting :rolleyes:

Scratching my head at the moment. It's all I can think of. Hope it helps and that things pick up for you. Good luck :fingerscrossed:

[ChicitaGatita]

Hi Skacey

You poor darling. It sounds like you're really struggling with this all on your own. :hugs:

I second the suggestion to organise counselling for yourself straight away to give yourself some support to debrief and problem solve. I know when I'm depressed or overwhelmed emotionally I can not think straight or problem solve. I have depression/anxiety. It's generally well managed with medication but whenever life gets stressful I'm at risk of deteriorating and I go and see my psych.

If you go to your GP you can get a referral to a psychologist that will allow you to get a set amount back from Medicare. I STRONGLY recommend you taking the time to find a GOOD psychologist before you see your GP. Go to www.psychology.org.au (http://www.psychology.org.au) and click on "Find a psychologist" which is on the right hand side of the screen about half way down. This will bring up a page where you can enter some information about the issues you want help addressing. Click on "medicare psychologist" enter your postcode and how far you're willing to travel then click "Search". This will bring up a list of psychs in your area.

Then call them and ask them how much they charge and how much you'd get back from Medicare. Give the psych a brief summary of the issues you're dealing with and ask them how they'd work with you. The purpose of this question is not so much to get clarity about how they'd work with you but to give you an opportunity to have a discussion with the psych. By doing this you'll get a sense of whether you feel comfortable with them, if you think they seem warm, compassionate, insightful, respectful as well as professional and competent.

Most of the psych's you contact you won't have any real concerns about but keep going until you find someone who you think "Wow! She/he sounds GREAT!"...That's who you want to make an appt with.

Then go to your GP with their details and get them to write a "Better Mental Health Care Plan" to refer you to this psychologist. If you don't get this before you see your psych you won't be able to get the Medicare rebate.

You can get rebates for up to 18 sessions each calender year. Most GPs don't know this, they think you can only get 12. But it's 6 then a review referral, then another 6, then a further review referral and the final 6 sessions.

I hope this helps.

But in the meantime be gentle with yourself. It's hard to stay positive in the face of ongoing anger and discord.

I'm wondering if there's anything you can do to protect yourself as much from the stress of this and focus on looking after yourself? The bummer is that you're not going to be able to control what anyone else does only what you do (this is something I'm trying to do at the moment with my own anger issue!).

Check out a book by two psychologists Cloud & Townsend called "Boundaries with Kids". I haven't read this but I've read two of their other books and found them REALLY helpful. They are Christian (I'm not of any religion) but don't be put off by this. Their advice is really insightful and concrete. From memory they refer to quotes from the Bible only to help clarify some common misunderstandings that undermine people's ability to be assertive and set boundaries (i.e. the turn the other cheek comment).

I hope I haven't overwhelmed you with so much info :p

Hang in there and post as often as you need to in order to reach out and get support. :hugs: