more confused than I thought possible, help!

[lizzieiscontented]

hello everyone, I am new here and desperately seeking some advice and support. I am 22 years old and a few days ago I found out that I was 8 weeks pregnant. I have never felt so worried and anxious in my whole life. I go from one minute thinking that the most responsible thing to do would be to abort but the idea of terminating my baby upsets me. The next minute I think I want to go through with the pregnancy. I only work two days a week and I am a full-time uni student. It seems irresponsible to me to think I could raise a child. The confusion is not subsiding and I really need some advice from people who might empathise with what I am going through.

Yours in anticipation, Lizzie...

[gonnabeaGR8mum]

While i have never been in your situation i have viewed it from the outside as friends have tried to make this agonising decision. and there is no universal right answer.
putting aside your perceptions of how society would view you. how do you feel about continuing the prgnancy/aborting?

i personally don't think it is at all irresponsible at 22 to decide to raise this baby why do you thik this? If its due to inexperience with kids, i'm sure any mum would tell you (as many have told me since falling pregnant) there is no way of being totally prepared for a baby wither emotionally, financially or physically, yet none of them have ever regretted having their children- there must be a reason for that surely?!? With friends and family support i'm sure you would do an awesome job. you havene't mentioned a partner, but even as a single mum i have faith that you can do it if you believe in yourself.

the fact that terminating the pregnancy upsets you already and that you are thinking of the foetus as a baby says to me that you may have difficulty coming to terms with your decision should you decide to terminate- in which case i would suggest having a good talk with the counsellor first and afterwards.

i have had many friends at uni who were young mums (some single, some not) and they all coped admirably! they often had more drive and ambition cause they were doing this not only for themselves but for their family too. Most unis have childcare facilities on campus (if your family/friends/partner are not available to help out) and allowances can often be made for coursework etc.

i really hope you find an answer. i can only imagine the anxiety and worry as its such a momentus decision- but listen to your heart (note heart, not necesarily your head) and it will stear you to the right choice

[raisingthree]

I understand where you are coming from - different situation but I still had a difficult time with coming to terms with the baby I was carrying when my husband walked out on me.

I had him (I too could not stand the thought of a termination) and its a decision I have never regretted.

My only advice is that you must be 100% confident in your decision. I could never regret having a child but would always regret having a termination.

:hugs: - I hope you make a choice that you are content with.

[lizzieiscontented]

thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful post. It was much needed at this late hour on a friday night lol.

I do have a partner of 5 years and he is very supportive of me. However, he is older than me and has already had children. I'm not sure if this could pose any problems in the future or not.

The person I am most concerned about is my mother. When I broke the news to her she flipped out, so to speak. To say that she is not supporting me having a baby now would be the year's biggest understatement! My Mum had my older brother when she was 16, however, and she was alone and it was really hard for her.

She told me flatly that she will not support me going through with the pregnancy and that it would be a big mistake. has really got my head very muddled up!

[lizzieiscontented]

I only wish that I could be 100% confident in my decision :P

[raisingthree]

She will get over it and come around with time. Surround yourself with supportive people and by that I don't mean people telling you "what to do" but being there for you whatever your decision.

The most important thing is for you to make the decision that is right for you - try and put other people out of your head, even your partner and just think about what you want.

Then discuss it with your partner.

Then whoever else.

You are the priority here.

I had many people who thought I was crazy for having my second baby and my third with my new partner but I just had to keep going back to what I wanted and when I did that I knew what I wanted to do.

Once that little grandchild of hers is here - she won't be able to resist:hugs:

[JenL]

Sending you big hugs! :hugs:

To start with this decision is yours and yours alone, people can advise you in either direction but in the end this is your body and your baby. It is something you have to live with for the rest of your life.

I am sure your mother only wants what's best for you and maybe she is worried about your UNI and the fact you are unmarried or with your DP that is older with children. Mothers have a really crappy way of showing they care!:no:

In the end none of it really matters, life has a really funny way of working itself out. No matter what you decide you need to be confident and happy with the decision because it is one you are stuck with for life.

[lizzieiscontented]

I feel like I should listen to my Mum because she has been through it before and she also knows me very well. She thinks I am not ready and I have never had a child so I feel very naive. A big part of me wants this baby because I am a little bit of a fatalist, but another part of me is also very happy with the way my life is at the moment. Also, I share my house with another couple. They are very supportive and are excited about the baby. I am scared that this might be a little silly of them and they might not realise what they are getting themselves in to lol

[Pax]

I had my first baby at 21 and to be honest i think it is the best thing i have ever done with my life.

so many women wait too long and cant have them.. this baby is a gift for you..

best of luck.

[CaitlinArai22]

Sweetheart, i know your mums heart is in the right place, she obviously doesntwant to see her babies struggelling like she did.
But i would keep in mind that having a baby at 22 now, is VERY different from having a baby at 16 over 20 years ago! as GonnabeaGR8mum said, there are systems and services at school to help out, and childcare is more accessable. it is acceptable to be in school and have a child, there arent the same social restrictions.
Guess what? i've never had a child before either - in fact noone has until they have! I get so tire of hearing "you're not ready" and "you dont know what you're letting yourself in for". Well, duh, if its stuff i wont understand until i have children, i obviously dont understand it yet.
I didnt know how to swim at one stage, that wasnt a good reason not to learn!!

I'm not telling you to or not to have the baby, i'm just saying, dont allow scare statements with no real value or lesson to contribute towards your decision!

I would first find out the servioces available to you at school, and out, daycare services in your area, work out what benifits you'd be entitled to, and childcare rebates, etc.
then i'd sit down and write up a "life plan" or timetable for if you were going to go ahead with it.
write up every change that will be made, and how it will fit together - ie if you have to take bub to daycare, how much earlier will you have to leave the house? will there be services at school, or will you need to factor in extra petrol money to go elsewhere? If you're planning on b/fing, will you be able to schedual time between classes to go give bub a meal, etc.if there are young mum groups in the area, how would they factor into your timetable - cause these could be really nessisary if you're feeling alone.

Maybe by looking at it this way, just the simple predictable changes (obviously somethings will pop up you dont expect or arent "ready" for - that always going to happen first bub!), you'll be able to assess if this is something you could responcibly fit into your life, if thats your main concern? then after seeing if its "practical" for you or not, you can talk to a councellor and work out if its what you actually want.

many women fihnd their priorities change after falling pregnant/having a baby. Women that dreamed of careers and flashy cars and clothes, suddenly want to leave their jobs and deplomas and become sahms, and make hearty meals and fold the sheets and be really "mumlike", and i think thats cool. for some of us the greatest joy we will ever know/desire is to be a great mum and/or wife, and i honestly believe thats an admirable thing to aim for.

You need t decide what you want from life, and how you want to get to where you want to be. there is no reason why you cant be successfull with a bubby on yur hip, there is also no reason you have to do that if you dont want to!!!
you still have time, just make sure you are happy with your decision.
good luck:hugs:


I feel like I should listen to my Mum because she has been through it before and she also knows me very well. She thinks I am not ready and I have never had a child so I feel very naive. A big part of me wants this baby because I am a little bit of a fatalist, but another part of me is also very happy with the way my life is at the moment. Also, I share my house with another couple. They are very supportive and are excited about the baby. I am scared that this might be a little silly of them and they might not realise what they are getting themselves in to lol

[gonnabeaGR8mum]

Sweetheart, i know your mums heart is in the right place, she obviously doesntwant to see her babies struggelling like she did.
But i would keep in mind that having a baby at 22 now, is VERY different from having a baby at 16 over 20 years ago! ....I didnt know how to swim at one stage, that wasnt a good reason not to learn!!

I would first find out the servioces available to you at school, and out, daycare services in your area, work out what benifits you'd be entitled to, and childcare rebates, etc.
then i'd sit down and write up a "life plan" or timetable for if you were going to go ahead with it.
write up every change that will be made, and how it will fit together - ie if you have to take bub to daycare, how much earlier will you have to leave the house? will there be services at school, or will you need to factor in extra petrol money to go elsewhere? If you're planning on b/fing, will you be able to schedual time between classes to go give bub a meal, etc.if there are young mum groups in the area, how would they factor into your timetable - cause these could be really nessisary if you're feeling alone.



many women fihnd their priorities change after falling pregnant/having a baby. Women that dreamed of careers and flashy cars and clothes, suddenly want to leave their jobs and deplomas and become sahms, and make hearty meals and fold the sheets and be really "mumlike", and i think thats cool. for some of us the greatest joy we will ever know/desire is to be a great mum and/or wife, and i honestly believe thats an admirable thing to aim for.




hear hear! :yelclap::yelclap:

caitlin you really have a way of saying exacty what i'm thinking!
i am one of those whose prioities have changed and i don't regret stopping my PhD for a moment if it means i am going to be a more relaxed and focused mummy.

i think there's some very good advice here. you seem like a practical person, so have a go at writting up as caitlin says, you may even find that your mum understands your decisions better if you can show her that you have thought it through.

good luck sweetie, :hugs: and if you ever need any support or friendship, somewhere to vent or just collapse- Bub Hub is a great place to get it!

[subaruforestermum]

I was 21 when I found out I was pregnant with DS. I had a long term partner too, for me I didnt have an option whether to keep it or not, as I was 24 weeks gestation. So I was in massive shock also...

I can totally understand where you are coming from, I wasnt ready to be a mum, have to go through a birth, have a child dependant on me 24/7, I was enjoying life, and what my life involved at the point in time.

But here I am, now and my son is now 3.... I'm not the perfect parent, I dont think anyone is the 'perfect' parent, I just do my best and look after him the best I can, and I'm doing ok....

And that is all you can do, is do your best, we all make mistakes, but if you dont make mistakes you cant learn from them..

I doubted myself so many times, and sometimes I still doubt myself, and to be honest I considered adoption, but when it came down to it, turning my back on the 'life' I helped create, I couldnt do it, and I had guilt for thinking about it.

To be honest about your mother, she may have been through something similar, but everyone is different. She went through HER version of life, and this is now YOURS... everyone is different and cope different to situations, and learn different things from similar experiences. You are 22, an adult, she was still a child, they are 2 big differences in the situation there. So there are going to be 2 different journey's.

Priorities change, education can still be completed either way you go, you can still get somewhere in life, you are still young, free to make your own choices, choose your own paths along your journey to your destiny....

As someone else said, you have to be 100% before you take that step to ending the pregnancy as its something you cant take back. If you cant cope as a mother, there are always means of help out there available to you to either help you cope, or give your child a different life.

Goodluck with your decision which ever you decide...but just remember every new mum has doubts about how well a life they can give their unborn children.

I'm now pregnant with my second, and I've been through all this again...unexpected, unplanned, same guy, wrong time in life....now 24 weeks along again..

[MagicalLeopluradon]

Hi Lizzie,

I can totally relate to what you are going through....at the end of the day you do what feels right for you, I am 22 and 19 weeks pregnant.....my parents are over the moon but when all my friends/work mates found out they thought it was silly of me to keep my baby, one lady in particular told me to stop thinking with my heart and think with my head.....if only it were that easy. As soon as I saw my baby when I had the ultrasound and when I got a printout I knew I was keeping him, I also only found out when I was 12 weeks pregnant and I just couldnt give him up. Seriously think hard because it will be a decision that you live with for the rest of your life. If you need to talk to anyone you can talk to me :)

Bec
xx

[GoldLeader]

I think there is no real right time to have a baby.
I married at 19 and went to uni, got my degrees, we both graduated and got professional jobs. We had double incomes and were well and truly used to our selfish lifestyle when we conceived our daughter at 26. Our priorities changed immediately. DH gave up work and has not gone back so he can look after dd while i work full time.
It was hard to give up the second income and very inconvenient to have to struggle on one income with a mortgage....but it doesn't matter because we have dd and she is our entire world...the only other thing that matters to us is number two who is growing inside me.

I have found that there has been no time in the last 10 years (I am now 30) that would have been the best time to have a baby. We just had to do it.

For a professional woman there really is no convenient time to have children. I work with many colleagues who are in their late 30s and having the realisation that they will probably never have children because they have left it too long. They have the money to buy whatever they want, but they don't have what I have.

I think you have already decided that you will keep this baby and you just want reassurance. Take the support of everyone you can, including your housemates. Your mum is just scared, but she will want to be a part of her grandchilds life.

[Briswegian]

Sounds like your mum is just trying to protect you. My dad has said to me my whole life that you want your kids to have more and do better than you did yourself.

There is a pregnancy counselling service offered by pscyhologists who are members of the australian psychological society and who have undergone specialist training in this area.

http://www.psychology.org.au/

There is a find a psycholgist section under community resources. You can see a psycholgist under medicare. This may help you to feel more objective about your decision. Good luck.

[lizzieiscontented]

Wow I am overwhelmed with all the good advice. I think it would be important for me to keep studying, even if it is only part-time. So making sure that is possible is a big part of my decision. Thanks for all the advice. It really does help!

[lizzieiscontented]

I would also like to say that you ALL have contributed such thoughtful, insightful comments and I feel very humbled. You make me proud to be a woman!